His and Her Broken Bones
by NerdySkeleton
Summary: A bunch of oneshots made from my crazy mind. Some of them are sweet and normal, others are full of bad things, and others are just Skulduggery and Valkyrie arguing. Rated T for those iffy situations sometimes. Mostly Valduggery. Please read and review :D
1. Chapter 1

Hi all! This is my first fan fic. Not ever, but first SP one. It ain't like I'm the greatest writer, but I try my hardest. Don't yell at me and say I suck cause that would be mean D:

I'm hoping the stories will improve after a while, like the humor and such. And the writing in general. I'll see how this one goes and then change it around if need be.

I know that there are a bunch of drabble fics already here (which I've read and loved them all!). Some ideas have been altered from these, or they've inspired me. So YAY! I don't mean to steal! Don't sue me!

I've only read the first and second books. I'll probably finish the 3rd soon since I'm about half way through, but yeah. If you don't want to be spoiled, don't read. AND DON'T SPOIL ME GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

Last thing I say before my first 'story', I own nothin'. Except the concepts of the stories. Any other books, movies, TV shows, or Skulduggery Pleasant in general, I do not own. This is the main copyright saying for this chunk of stories. I'll just forget to put it in later. But without further ado, here it is!

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**Drabble 1: Seeing a Movie**

The rain poured down and clattered on the roof of the late Gordon Edgley's house. Stephanie Edgley sat staring out the window facing the damp streets of Dublin, Ireland. She pulled her sweater around her tighter when the wind whipped around outside.

"It's May for God's sake!" Tanith Low yelled out from behind Stephanie, a.k.a. Valkyrie Cain. "Aren't we supposed to have _flowers_ by now?! The saying goes 'April showers bring May flowers!'"

Ghastly stopped reading his book to look at Tanith. She grinned and sat down next to Valkyrie.

She looked out the window, but frowned and turned to Valkyrie. "I'm bored."

"I know, same," Valkyrie responded. It was cold, rainy, and no cases had come up. Both ladies sighed at the same time and then screamed and jumped back from the window. Ghastly ran up behind them and got into a fighting stance. Tanith and Valkyrie peeked out from behind him. They looked out the window and saw, of course, nothing.

"Ha!" Ghastly laughed. "It's nothing girls!" He turned around to head back to the chair he was sitting in, when he stopped suddenly. Valkyrie and Tanith hesitated and turned around to see what Ghastly was looking at. They found the big armchair of course, but somebody else was in it.

"Skulduggery…you suck," Valkyrie sighed and charged toward the skinny skeleton in the armchair. He opened his mouth, but instead took off his hat and placed it on Valkyrie's head. She mumbled something and took off the hat.

"I see you're happy," he said to her. Valkyrie stuck out her tongue at him and headed back to the window. She could hear the faint conversations over the wind. Ghastly was telling Skulduggery something. But Valkyrie didn't care. Skulduggery laughed loudly and was joined by Ghastly and Tanith. She sensed Skulduggery get up from the chair and head over to her. He plopped down beside her and let out a big heavy sigh.

"Wazzup?" Skulduggery attempted. Valkyrie turned her head and had a look of pure horror on her face.

"Skulduggery," she began. "There is a rule that says there are some people who should not say or do certain things. You just broke that rule." Skulduggery shrugged and sighed again.

"Wanna go outside?" He asked.

"Yeah, cause I love the freezing cold rain and wind!"

"How about a movie?" Tanith suggested. Ghastly looked up from the book he was reading.

"Sounds good….but what?" he asked.

"I dunno."

"Well, awesome then!" Valkyrie said.

"Fine, Miss Cranky Butt. Can _you_ think of anything?" Skulduggery asked Valkyrie. She blushed and turned away.

"Uhhh....the only thing I can think of is that Star Trek movie," she muttered.

"Alright! Star Trek it is!" Skulduggery said, jumping up and heading out the door. Ghastly shuffled out behind him, not bothering with a coat. Tanith grabbed her sword and coat and waited for Valkyrie to grab her purse. They headed out the door into the cold.

The Bentley was parked across the street and both girls had to sprint to get there. Tanith wrenched open the back door and crawled in next to Ghastly. Valkyrie slid into the passenger seat, next to Skulduggery. He revved up the engine and the Bentley went speeding down the road.

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When they arrived at the movie theater, it was completely empty. Everyone had just preferred to stay home than see a movie. All four headed to the doors quickly and bought the tickets. The clerk eyed Skulduggery and Ghastly suspiciously. Quickly, Tanith and Valkyrie headed into the bathrooms, leaving Skulduggery and Ghastly standing there awkwardly.

"Do you know what this movie is about?" Tanith asked, while drying her hands

Valkyrie shrugged. "There's a spaceship and stuff blows up? Plus aliens everywhere." Tanith smiled at that. They emerged from the bathroom and found Skulduggery and Ghastly staring up at a large poster with gangster style people on it. Two men with huge machine guns looked like they were yelling and were fighting.

"Ahh. Remember those days?" Skulduggery asked Ghastly.

"Some of the best."

"Uh Guys? Movie?" Valkyrie said from behind them. Ghastly and Skulduggery sighed and turned around.

"You would have loved the 1920's! Back when the music was good, the people were great, and there were no annoying girls to follow me around and bug me!"

Valkyrie punched Skulduggery playfully. "Yes, well, your life wouldn't be as fulfilled without me!" Skulduggery snorted.

"Correction. _Your _life wouldn't be as fulfilled. I taught you magic and stuff! Without me you'd just be a boring teenager," Skulduggery replied.

Valkyrie opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by Tanith.

"As fun as your word play games get, we're at the theater." The four shuffled in and took seats at the very top in the very corner. Skulduggery removed his hat and sunglasses.

"Without me you'd be a skeleton wandering around aimlessly just making people mad and beating them up," Valkyrie whispered as soon as the lights went dim. Skulduggery turned to look at her and smiled his strange skeleton smile.

"True that, dear Valkyrie," Skulduggery whispered back. Valkyrie smiled and popped some popcorn in her mouth.

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The movie was finally over. As cool as the special effects were, neither Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Ghastly, or Tanith were impressed.

"Maybe it would have been better if we knew who everybody originally was," Valkyrie stated. There was a quiet murmur of agreements. "Also, maybe I would have enjoyed it if I could actually see it!" Skulduggery shrugged.

"Hey, there were some _inappropriate_ parts. Don't blame me!"

"But I'm 14! Gimme a break!"

"Yeah geez Skulduggery," Tanith joined in. "It's not like she hasn't heard about it! Ghastly? Come on! Help out poor Valkyrie."

"I'm gonna stay outta this one, thanks." Valkyrie frowned.

"Fine. I did like that Spock guy. Oh Tanith, what was so horrifying about those parts where Skulduggery covered my eyes, _again_?"

"Just that chick with the mini-skirt was making out with the pointy ears guy." Valkyrie stared at Skulduggery.

"If looks could kill, Skulduggery…." Valkyrie muttered.

"I know, I know. I would be a _super_ dead man. Oh look, it stopped raining! Training?" Skulduggery asked. Valkyrie snorted and soon started laughing. Tanith joined in for no reason and Ghastly was chuckling at the hysterical ladies.

"What is so funny?" Skulduggery demanded.

"We're one screwed up bunch of people." Valkyrie managed between laughs.

"I take offense to that. But, I for one actually enjoyed the movie. Minus all the kissing and such. That was unnecessary. It was very…unique," Skulduggery stated after driving off. Valkyrie and Tanith started laughing once again.

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What did ya think!? Sorry I ended it kinda abruptly. I couldn't think of any endings! XD I had thought of something else to end with, but scrapped that idea. I really hoped you enjoyed it and please read and review!  
I apologize for any grammar, spelling, etc. mistakes. I proofread it a bunch but I dunno. I miss these things all the time. What can I say, I'm a Grammar Nazi!


	2. Valkyrie Cain: Not so Tough

**Pssst….Valkyrie is about 22 here…..pass it on

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"Ouch…OW……OUCH….holy….STOP IT!" Valkyrie screamed at Skulduggery. He put the strange bottle of liquid on Valkyrie's bathroom counter.

"How do you expect it to go away if you won't let me put the stuff on it!?" He huffed. Valkyrie pouted and looked over her body. Everywhere, her skin was a different hue of pink, like someone had given her awful rug burn.

"Well can't you feel how much it hurts?"

"No," Skulduggery frowned. "I'm not you. Nor do I have your body. That would be awkward and completely change everything around."

"But you can tell how hot I am, right?" Valkyrie asked in desperation. Skulduggery shifted uneasily on both feet.

"NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERV!" Valkyrie bellowed. Skulduggery sighed and picked up the bottle of liquid again.

"Ready for more?" he quietly asked. Valkyrie nodded and turned around, so her almost bare back was facing Skulduggery. He squirted some green liquid out onto his bony palm and placed it on Valkyrie's strangely colored back. She whimpered.

"Valkyrie, you've broken bones, lost half a tooth, killed people, seen killings, watched fights, watched me at work, and fought horrible creatures that are unimaginable to most people, and you're defeated by-" Valkyrie cut him off.

"Don't say it," she warned.

"Well, it's something to definitely be ashamed of, but it's not that bad. Wait. Nevermind. It's bad. Seriously, how can-"

"I'm warning you, Skulduggery."

"How can you be defeated by _sunburn_?"

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Hee hee. Oh Skulduggery. Surely you jest! I actually got some smelly sunburn as well. I was "tanning" and forgot sunscreen. Except Skulduggery wasn't be there to rub that fun green stuff on my shoulders to make it all better :3 ....I need a life D:

Hope ya liked it! And donke shon for reading and be sure to leave me a review. Even if ya don't like it, still leave me one! But no flaming..that's mean. I'd love to hear what you think I could do better!

Also, if you've got any ideas for drabbles, drop me a PM or leave me a comment/review! Love to hear them!

3 Love ya!


	3. Piano Rag

OMG I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH! I REALLY wanna thank EVERYONE who has read and given me so many super nice and awesome reviews! I, like, cried I was so happy you guys all liked it! Really, you gots no idea!

I got the suggestions you guys gave me, and I will use them. But I may tweak them just a tiiiiiny bit. But they were some good ones!

If ya'll keep giving me such amazing reviews, you'll get more story! See, cause I'm all ~*inspired*~ to write and stuff :DDDD

If you squint you can see a tiiiiiny bit of Valduggery ;P

Yup.

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Title: Piano Rag

**Pssst….Valkyrie is still 22 in this…keep passing it on….**

The skinny man in the pinstripe suit climbed up onto the large kitchen windowsill.

"She really shouldn't leave this window open like that," Skulduggery thought to himself as he slid into the large kitchen in Gordon Edgley's house. He straightened himself and removed his hat, scarf, and sunglasses. Putting them on the small table, he froze. He could hear piano music. He had never seen Valkyrie near a musical instrument in the ten years he had known her.

Clicking his fingers to summon a fireball, he slowly crept towards the music. Of course, the only piano he had ever seen in the house was up in the dusty, old attic. Taking light steps on the creaky old stairs, Skulduggery came up to the elegant 2nd floor. He quickly checked in Valkyrie's bedroom to see if there was some evidence of a struggle. He opened to the door and found it exactly as it should be: unbelievably messy. Her bed was almost never made, nor were her clothes put away. He spotted some of her underwear and quickly sneaked back out.

Climbing the stairs to the not quite as elegant 3rd floor, he came face to face with Echo-Gordon. He smiled and waved. Skulduggery extinguished the flame in his hands and returned the wave.

"If you're looking for Valkyrie, which I bet you are, she dragged out my old piano and has been pressing keys all afternoon," Gordon told Skulduggery. Gordon smirked at Skulduggery's sudden happiness.

"If ya need me, I'll be floating around the house…." He added as he descended the rickety staircase. Skulduggery took a step towards the old wooden ladder that led to the attic. Each step on the ladder made him feel very uneasy for some reason. He reached the top and heaved a big sigh.

"Hello. What's wrong?" Valkyrie asked without even turning around.

"Oh, the world will blow up tonight."

"What?!" Valkyrie whipped around. Her dark hair lashed out and slapped her in the face.

"Not really. But am I not allowed to just come by and say howdy?" Skulduggery asked sadly. Valkyrie smiled and turned back to the piano. She fingered a few lines from the sheet music in front of her.

"Not bad. I've never seen you near anything musical in time I've know you. Were you some Mozart and just forgot to mention it?" Skulduggery asked as he shrugged off his long trench coat.

"I played from 8-11. I hated it, so I begged my mom to let me quit. I sucked, so she let me."

"I'm sure you don't _suck_," Skulduggery replied. He strode up to Valkyrie and motioned for her to scoot over. She schooched and let him have some room on the piano bench. He noticed she was a blushing a bright red.

"So, what were you playing?"

"Fur Elise." Valkyrie quickly replied.

"Ahhh. Gooood song." Was all Skulduggery said. Valkyrie looked up from the keyboard to face him.

"Do you play?"

"Valkyrie. Please. A man as amazing and sophisticated as myself is _required_ to play!" Valkyrie giggled and got up from the bench.

"Well, play. I wanna see." Skulduggery cocked his head to the left and skeleton-smiled. He flexed his fingers and bent his back a bit. Flipping the pages back to the front, he laid his bony fingers down. Taking a deep breath, he began to play.

Valkyrie watched in amazement as his fingers danced and flicked the keys up and down all over the keyboard. Reaching down to hit the low notes and reaching up for the high ones, Skulduggery was flawless. The pages flashed over and over. When he had finally missed a key, he turned and faced Valkyrie.

"Have you been astounded by amazingness yet?" He asked.

"Ha. Show off."

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I was practicing my piano today, and this just popped into my head. It just kinda seemed like something that would happen between them, ya' know? Anyways, thanks for reading and be sure to review! I love those! The more reviews, the more story! I should probably calm down about this though....lol

:D 3


	4. Freakin' the Men

Yoooo. Don't really have a lot to say. Except I love all who reviewed! I've had a bunch of awkward story ideas stored up for a while, and I just wanna post a few ;D

**WARNINGS!: **Contains odd bits of Valduggery. Also, some pretty weird/dirty descriptions. Not really 'M' material, but just slightly more 'T'. …If that makes sense XD

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**Pssst….I think you can tell what I'll say now….**

Title: Freakin' the Men

The summer heat stroked Valkyrie's head the second she stepped out onto the backyard of Gordon's house. She sighed and pulled her short shorts up higher if that was possible. Tanith was sitting, sprawled out on the grass with her arms wide open. She had on blue shorts and a green tank top that was a tad bit too small. Ghastly was sitting next to Tanith, still in his regular tailors clothes. Apparently, they were special and didn't heat him up. Skulduggery was sat on a blanket that Valkyrie had laid out for Tanith. He had on his hat, but his trench coat, scarf, gloves, and jacket were off. The plain white shirt he had on underneath was unbuttoned at the top, revealing the chalk white bones of his neck and collarbone.

"Hey Tanith?" Valkyrie called out. Tanith raised her head up and smiled at Valkyrie. Getting up and adjusting her shorts, she bounded up to Valkyrie.

"What's up?" she asked.

"I think there's a small kiddie pool in the attic here. Wanna come look for it?" Tanith jumped up and down and ran into the cool house.

"Guys wanna come help? Since we're women and can't do a thing on our own like fight a troll, _Skulduggery!" _ Valkyrie glared at Skulduggery. He shrugged and slowly got up. Ghastly got up as well. They headed into the house after Valkyrie, went up the stairs to the 3rd floor, and up the ladder to the attic. It was a dusty, smelly place, but Gordon loved being up there. He would write up there, if need be. Tanith was on the ceiling scanning the boxes and seeing what lye beneath them.

"I swear it's like a maze in here!" Skulduggery shouted out. He had gotten stuck between two large boxes full of old porcelain dolls and plastic bags. "Why in the world would Gordon need all this stuff?!"

"My uncle was a sentimental guy! Maybe he liked the plastic bags his groceries came in and decided to save them," Valkyrie retorted. Skulduggery huffed and pushed the air so he rose above the boxes.

"What did the pool look like?" Ghastly asked from the corner of the attic.

"It was a bright blue and had orange fish all over it," Valkyrie called back.

"Got it!" Ghastly said, rising slowly, holding the limp pool in his hands. Tanith smiled and hopped down from the ceiling.

"Thank you, Ghastly. Appreciate that. Hey Skulduggery, do us a favor?" Tanith asked. Skulduggery mumbled something and turned to look at Tanith. She did her best puppy dog eyes. "Could you pleeeease fill up the pool?"

Skulduggery sighed and nodded. Ghastly stepped over the boxes and followed Skulduggery out.

"We need bathing suits. Do you have any?" Tanith asked hopefully. Valkyrie paused and thought.

"I might….but they should be pretty small. And they're bikinis…." Valkyrie trailed off. Tanith smiled wickedly.

"That is gonna get the guys soooo good! Haven't you always wanted to make Ghastly and Skulduggery super awkward?" Valkyrie smiled as well. Tanith ran down the stairs to Valkyrie's bedroom on the second floor. Avoiding all the clothes and pens, she came to Valkyrie's closet and dresser. Shifting through the drawers until she found a few suits.

"Okay….we got this one," Tanith held up a small red bikini. "And we have a yellow-polka-dot bikini!"

"Both seem pretty small…."

"Ahh so what? You're skinny! Squeeze in! I call the yellow one!" Tanith yelled out, heading into the bathroom Gordon used to use. Valkyrie sighed and stepped into her bathroom. She undressed and wrenched the bikini up her thighs. It squeezed in all the wrong places. The top was tight and her breasts showed a bit too much. Slowly, Valkyrie emerged from her bathroom, and found Tanith on her bed, adjusting the straps. Of course, Tanith looked fantastic with her muscular arms and legs. She smirked at Valkyrie.

"Reeeeeady?" she breathed out. Valkyrie blushed and nodded. Grabbing some shorts, and flip flops, they headed out to the back.

The back door was old and creaked whenever anyone opened it or closed it. Valkyrie peeked out and let the door fly open. Skulduggery was waving a pebble in the air in circular motion, obviously bored. Ghastly sat reading some of Gordon's books. He glanced up at the girls, and then looked back down. Slowly, he raised his head to look again. Tanith was grinning smugly. He cleared his throat and began reading again.

"Take away his stone." Tanith whispered, stepping into the filled pool. Valkyrie crept up to Skulduggery, while flicking out her palm. Slowly, the stone moved out of the continuous circle, and slapped Skulduggery on the head. His head went back, before he regained balance. He blinked a few times, before jolting back again. He had noticed Valkyrie. Keeping his eyes on Valkyrie's face, he stated,

"We filled the pool for ya…."

"Thanks Captain Obvious!" Valkyrie chuckled. She watched Skulduggery's head slowly go down to her chest then snap back up again quickly. Valkyrie smiled and nudged his knee.

"C'mon!" she urged. He slowly got up and Valkyrie led him to the pool. He sighed as Tanith splashed some water on his pants. Stretching out his palm to dry himself off, Valkyrie gave a light push.

Skulduggery yelped as he fell face first into the pool.

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Sorry if it seemed a little OOC. I just really wanted to do this. It seemed cute. Can't ya just see Ghastly and Skulduggery all awkward cause Tanith and Valkyrie are all hot and have on bikinis! …..Is that weird that I can picture it perfectly?

Were the descriptions weird? I doubt any of you were deeply offended (if you were, SORRY! D:). I didn't wanna make it all raunchy and stuff XD

Thanks for reading and be sure to review! Tell me what you thought and gimme me ideas! I got some stored, but would love some others!


	5. Field Trip

:D I LOVE REVIEWS CAUSE EVERYONE HERE IS SO NICE AND LOVEABLE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

**Pssst….Valkyrie is back to being 14…..pass it on….

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"How in the _world_ did I get roped into this?!" Skulduggery asked himself aloud as he drove in his beautiful Bentley.

"Because you suck and made me go to school, then I brought the paper home, then I showed it to my parents, they said they couldn't go, I did NOT want to be stuck with Alex Reikers and his dad, so you're coming. Duh," Valkyrie responded. Skulduggery turned and faced his teen partner.

"Rhetorical question, dear Valkyrie. Duh," Skulduggery mimicked. Valkyrie smacked him in the ribs and he flinched out of the way.

"But….emotional guilt doesn't work on me! Do you have some new China-type power you're not telling me about?!" Skulduggery playfully accused. Valkyrie laughed and looked over at him. She could tell he was not looking forward to being with a bunch of whiny fourteen year olds.

"Aww come on! It'll be fun! Haven't you ever been on a field trip?" she asked.

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I had a field trip a few days ago….kinda boring. Went to Philadelphia and it was all historical and stuff. It really sucked cause I was in a group with my ex-boyfriend. That was aaaaawwwwkward.

Ehh. Not my best work. I've got beeeeetter ideas! Though another one is actually kinda dirty…..NOT IN THAT WAY…..not exactly ;) I dunno if I'll post it. Would ya'll read it no matter what?

Thanks for reading and be sure to leave me a ~*magical*~ review!


	6. Nightmares

This idea popped into my head when I was lying in bed one night. Maybe it had to do with the whole sleeping thing…..

_**WARNINGS: **_ Contains MASSIVE amounts of Skulduggery being all helpful and adorable. Plus a second of Valduggery. Then a tad bit of death/gore, but not that awful.

**Pssst….yup.

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Title: Nightmares

Skulduggery watched Valkyrie twitch and then turn over. Her nightmares had increased drastically over the last few weeks. Before, they were the regular Nefarious Serpine ones, then Baron Vengeous was added to the mix. Now, they were much worse and usually ended in a bunch of killings. He watched from the chair across her room. Quietly, he stood up and headed over to her bed. Her sheets were all twisted and there were beads of sweat on her forehead. Her tank top she wore to bed was riding up her back and the straps were loose, giving a better (yet not needed) view of her chest. Skulduggery grunted and tried to adjust the sheets. Valkyrie moaned and turned over again, flopping her arm over the bed. Skulduggery froze. He quietly stepped back and sank back into the large chair. Grabbing the book on the table, he began to read again.

It wasn't but 10 minutes after until Valkyrie shot up in bed, screaming. Skulduggery rushed over to her. He put his bony hand on her back, feeling her uneven breathing. She gasped a few times before flopping back on the pillows. She squeezed her eyes shut, but they shot open again.

"Please don't make me go to sleep again…" she whispered. Skulduggery removed his hand from underneath Valkyrie and slid in next to her. She wiped her forehead on her shirt and took a few deep breaths.

"When you're ready…" Skulduggery muttered. Valkyrie gulped and nodded.

"Uhh…okay," Valkyrie started telling about her nightmare. "I'm running around Dublin, through these wet and slippery streets. I run and run and then Billy-Ray Sanguine pops up. He grabs me and cuts my arms. He disappears, and then I'm attacked by hundreds of vampires. Dusk is of course leading them all. He keeps laughing and I keep kicking him, yet he doesn't fall. It really pissed me off. So I escape and run away until I get to Kenspeckle's. He's there, only he's being attacked by the Grotesquery. The Grotesquery yells out and smashes Kenspeckle into bits and pieces. He runs out and chases me until we get to the Sanctuary. Serpine and Vengeous are there, and they have you, Tanith, and Ghastly. China is lying in a corner. Bliss is trying to get her up, when a Cleaver strikes him down. Serpine heads up to you, grabs your arms, and rips. They come clean out of the sockets. Vengeous uses Lord Vile's armor and attacks Ghastly and Tanith. They fly in the air and don't get up again. Serpine does his little red right hand thing. You scream. I faint. I wake up. My parents, you, Tanith, Ghastly, China, Bliss, Fletcher, _Crux and Guild _even, are all sitting straight up…d-d…." with that, Valkyrie bursts into tears. Skulduggery placed a hand on her head and pulls her up a little bit. She curls up into his side, sobbing and soaking his shirt.

"But look!" Skulduggery tried in attempt to get Valkyrie to cheer up. "I'm still here! Everyone is alive. It wasn't real."

"It seemed real!" Valkyrie spat out. She moaned and clasped Skulduggery's hand.

"Promise you won't leave me…" Valkyrie murmured. Skulduggery stared at her.

"Why would I ever do that?" he quietly asked.

"Because you're you. I could wake up and you not be here!" she snapped. Skulduggery opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a rough knock at the door. Valkyrie shrank back into her bed. Skulduggery slowly got up to get the door. He opened it and found Echo-Gordon. He looked worried.

"I heard a scream. I thought something had happened. Is Stephanie alright?" he asked hopefully.

"She's fine. Just a reeeeally bad nightmare. She'll be all right. Promise."

"Okay…if you say so," Echo-Gordon said as he drifted off down the halls. Skulduggery turned around and headed back to Valkyrie's room. Avoiding all the clutter on the floor, he came and kneeled next to her. Her face was red and puffy from crying so much.

"Can you try and get some sleep?" he asked her. She shook her head no. "Please? For amazing _moi_?"

"Ha. No." Valkyrie bluntly said. She wiped her face on her arm. Skulduggery threw a bunch of tissues at her. She grimaced and wiped her face with them. Throwing with horrible aim, she missed the trashcan. She slunk back down under her covers as Skulduggery went over to pick up the tissues.

"Valkyrie….Valkyrie Cain. **Stephanie Edgley**." That got her attention. She looked up, wide-eyed at him. Skulduggery was tapping his foot.

"Come on. Just sleep. I'll be right next to you the whole night. Scout's honor." Skulduggery held up his right hand and bowed. Valkyrie gulped and gave a slight smile. She pulled some blankets up and rolled over so she was on her stomach.

Skulduggery checked the clock on the nightstand.

2:30 A.M.

He went up to the windows and looked at the glittering stars in the sky.

"Let her be alright…" he prayed to whoever was listening up in the blue abyss. He grabbed the book and sat down next to Valkyrie, who was breathing heavily and twitching a bit. She groaned and rolled over onto Skulduggery's outstretched arm. He paused and just decided to leave it there. Slowly, he began to read again.

At around 3:30 in the morning, Valkyrie awoke, screaming again. She gripped the sheets and sobbed into them. Skulduggery was grabbing her shoulders in a second.

"Shhh…Shh….It's fine…." Skulduggery whispered. She sobbed louder and fell into his hard chest. "What happened this time?"

"Serpine kept red right hand-ing everyone I knew. Then Vengeous would come up and use the shadows to kill them all. I mean everyone. My parents, Tanith, Kenspeckle, Finbar, Scapegrace, Beryl and Fergus even. Blood was everywhere and you were just sitting on the floor. Serpine grabbed you, took your gun, tried shooting you. It didn't really work. Then Vengeous grabbed you, kinda took you apart really. I stood watching and then Dusk came at me with Sanguine's straight razor. He lunged….and then I woke up." Valkyrie exhaled, and then started crying again. "What is the deal!?" she cried out.

Skulduggery snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her up into his lap. She sobbed quietly, while her dark hair made a curtain covering her face. Skulduggery lifted the hair that covered her face. She was biting her lip so hard a thin trail of blood flowed down her chin. He wiped it clean and she smiled a tired smile. Sniffing, she buried her face in Skulduggery's chest. Putting her face up by his collarbone, she hesitated. She quickly leaned up and kissed Skulduggery lightly on the cheek. He gasped and was about to say something, until Valkyrie beat him.

"I love you…" was all she whispered before drifting back into an uneasy sleep. He watched for a little bit, making sure her face remained calm. It wasn't long until he saw a small smile spread across her lips.

"I love you too, Valkyrie Cain," he whispered into her hair. He sighed and then paused. Looking up at the ceiling he said,

"Thanks for listening, by the way, whatever God you may be."

* * *

I apologize for torturing Valkyrie. Just felt the need to do this. Sorry!

I also apologize for its longness. Didn't mean for it to be this long! The dreams took up the most space.

Sorry for any grammar/missing words/spelling mistakes.

I really hoped you enjoyed this! Leave me a review pleeeease! I love them! Also, if you can think of any suggestion, lemme at em!

:D


	7. Dancing

**22….22…22….22….yup**

_**WARNINGS: **_Contains Valduggery. It's not a ton, but if you don' them as a pairing, then either suck it up or just don't read. Either way I'm fine.

**

* * *

**

It was around 10 in the morning and Valkyrie Cain had just woken up. Wandering downstairs, she heard music being played. It was the soft strumming of a guitar.

_Oh Lord, Skulduggery, what now? _ She thought to herself. Going faster down the steps, she came to the living room. She saw the ghost like version of her uncle Gordon flitting around the room.

"Hey, what's going on?" Valkyrie asked the Echo-Gordon. He stopped his dancing and smiled at his now 22-year-old niece.

"Skulduggery dragged out my old record player and brought his favorite record!" he said excitedly. Valkyrie nodded and went into the kitchen, where the music was coming from. Skulduggery was sitting on a counter next to the record player. A strong voice came from the player. It was singing about a young woman who all the men loved.

"That is one sexist song," Valkyrie stated as she went to make coffee. Skulduggery's mouth dropped open and Gordon came rushing in.

"Do NOT insult Frank Sinatra!" both men yelled out at the same time. Valkyrie recoiled and stepped back.

"Okay! Geez sorry! Didn't know that was Frank Sinatra!" Skulduggery gasped and Gordon shook his head.

"What?!"

"Frank Sinatra was a singing legend! Hasn't someone told you?" Echo-Gordon waved a disapproving finger at her. "I am ashamed to be your uncle." He sighed and turned around to head back up to the study.

"Good riddance, dead uncle who isn't really my uncle!" Valkyrie called out. She heard Echo-Gordon whimper and continue.

"Ouch Valkyrie," Skulduggery said as he walked over to the record player to turn up the volume.

"Isn't this your favorite song in the whole world or something?" Valkyrie asked, referring the strange descriptions of the girl.

"Yes. The Girl From Ipanema. One of the greatest songs of all time," Skulduggery mused, obviously lost in thought. He started whistling and tapping his foot to the beat of the song.

"Well, I'll just leave you alone with your Frank, then," Valkyrie turned to leave, but was stopped by a strong, bony hand on her shoulder. She turned to face Skulduggery, who was only inches from her face. He backed up and took away her coffee, placing it on the counter top. He stretched his hand out to her. She took it and shook it. He shook his head and laughed.

"No, would you like to dance, dear Valkyrie?" he asked her quietly. She raised a dark eyebrow, but followed him to the middle of the kitchen.

"Just so you know, I'm about the world's worst dancer," Valkyrie whispered.

"That's fine. Even your horrible coordination could not slow me down!" Skulduggery announced. He placed his right hand on her waist and his left in her right hand. Valkyrie slowly put her other hand on Skulduggery's shoulder. Slowly, they stepped out with their left feet. Another new song came on and it had a beautiful melody. Frank Sinatra soon started singing in his amazing voice.

Moving gracefully around the kitchen, Skulduggery twirled Valkyrie a few times. Suddenly, he dipped her down low. He held her waist tightly and pressed her body up to his. Valkyrie looked up at him with glimmering eyes. She slowly wrapped her legs around Skulduggery's arching her back while doing so.

"Oh my deary me! I guess I'm interrupting something important then!" Tanith yelled from the kitchen doorway. Valkyrie gasped and suddenly hit the floor hard. She winced when her head smacked the floor. Tanith bent down to look at her, while Skulduggery wrapped his arms around her and hoisted her up.

"Ow. Concussion over here!" Valkyrie called out to Skulduggery who was poking her head repeatedly.

"It's not a concussion, you just fell like the clumsy woman you are and hit it rather hard," he reported.

"Nah, you dropped her Skulduggery," Tanith laughed. "You okay?" Valkyrie nodded and held her head.

"Well then, I guess I'll just have to leave you two alone again! I just came to get that book. Study, right?" Tanith asked heading out of the kitchen.

"Yeah," Valkyrie called after her. A few minutes passed where neither of them said anything.

"Well, this is suddenly awkward," Skulduggery whispered, breaking the silence. Valkyrie turned to him and smiled.

"Yeah, no thanks to Tanith."

"Huh?" was all Skulduggery managed to get out before Valkyrie grabbed him and pulled him closer. She piled her face down into his collarbone. He slowly lifted a finger and traced it across her jaw line, eventually lifting up her chin and face. Her eyes glittered again.

Slowly, he leaned in to kiss her.

* * *

I am a lean, mean, postin' machine! :D I have four ideas and each of them have had a little bit written to them, but I need more! Lemme know if you have any!


	8. Kissing A Skeleton

**I'll say Valkyrie's 25….? Let's go with that. **

_**WARNINGS: **_Has such a huge amount of Valduggery, this drabble can barely contain itself. Plus a minute of language.

* * *

Skulduggery sat reading some ancient book in China's library. He didn't look up or even acknowledge the footsteps that came near him. The person gracefully sat down opposite him.

"You've been gone," Valkyrie whispered. Skulduggery lifted his head up and looked at her.

"I didn't know what to do," he quietly replied, shutting the book and gently placing it back on the shelf.

"You could have come to me and talked. I know you're not really a hug-it-out type of guy. I would have listened. It was my fault anyways."

"But I was the one who ran out. I couldn't face it. I didn't want to say anything. I couldn't think of what to say back."

"You could have said 'That's nice'. I wouldn't have mind. _I _had to at least say it." Skulduggery shifted so he was closer to Valkyrie. She scooted up so their legs were touching and their faces were only a foot apart.

"But I wanted to say I loved you too."

Valkyrie gasped and leaned in closer.

"Why didn't you?"

"Look at me!" Skulduggery said, suddenly standing up. He gestured to himself. "I'm a bloody skeleton! I'm not a real person!" Valkyrie smiled and got up. She wrapped her arms around his bony neck. He sighed and let her hug him. Valkyrie squeezed tighter, until she finally stepped back.

"I guess I'll head back now…." Valkyrie trailed off, turning to leave. Skulduggery gripped her arm and dragged her back to him. He brought her face up to his.

"I just think you deserve better," he murmured in her ear. Valkyrie smiled and laughed.

"Well, whoop-de-shit. I don't care. Think again," she said, bringing her face level with his. She took a deep breath, and slowly brought her face in. She gently pressed her soft lips up to Skulduggery's cold teeth. He staggered back, but eventually wrapped his arms around Valkyrie's body. His hands drifted all around until one landed on her upper back, and the other on the back of her thigh. She giggled and put her hands up to his chest and shoulders.

"Since when do you giggle?" Skulduggery asked, after breaking the kiss.

"Since I started kissing a skeleton, that's when." She put her lips against his teeth again. They stood there for a while, in the relaxing silence of the library. No creepy vampires, no creepy Texans, no creepy gods.

_Just them._

Slowly, Skulduggery brought Valkyrie down to the polished floor. She smiled and reached up to kiss him, but he stopped her. She put on a fake pout.

"What's it like?" he calmly asked.

"What's what like?"

"You know…kissing a skeleton…."

"OH!" she put her hand to her chin and pondered. "I dunno."

"You were just doing it! How can you not know?"

"Well, I was more focused on the whole 'holy-shit-what-am-I-doing-this-is-strange-but-also-feels-good-oh-my-God-I'm-kissing-Skulduggery' thing."

He just started at her.

"Interesting. Well, the only way to find out what it feels like is to do it again, right?" he played with the hem of her shirt. She giggled and turned into his hard chest. This time, he gripped her arms and wrapped his own arms around her body. She hitched up herself and turned her head, so they were even closer. They both sat there, staring at each other, until Valkyrie leaned in to kiss him again. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her up. She gripped his arms and pressed her body up closer to him. He groaned as he felt all her various body parts on him.

Valkyrie stretched out her legs and wrapped them around Skulduggery's skinny waist. She moaned as he rubber her lower back and slid his hand up her shirt. Soon after, Valkyrie leaned back to actually breath. She gasped and giggled again.

"Sorry. Keep forgetting you need to breath," he said, removing his hand from her shirt. She shifted herself so she was comfortable in his lap. He squeezed her close and cradled her.

"So, tell me. What's it like?"

"Kissing a skeleton?"

"Yes…."

"Interesting. It's like a combination of both regular lips and cold teeth. I can't quite put my finger on what it feels like. But it's a new, _exciting_ experience," Valkyrie explained, winking at him.

"Sometimes I truly wonder if you're really 25," he muttered. She slapped his arm.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're very young and adorable. Let's put it at that," he said, taking her hand and playing with it. She smiled and kissed him again. They moved with such grace and unison as their kiss deepened and eventually, Valkyrie found herself up against a bookcase. They paused just in time to hear a voice calling out "Valkyrie" over and over.

"Sounds like Tanith," Valkyrie observed. "Oh shit. Off! Off!" Skulduggery scrambled off of her and straightened his clothes. Valkyrie smoothed out her hair and shirt. They looked each other over before hugging again. They broke apart and began walking out of the row of shelves they were in. It wasn't long until Tanith found them, who eyed them with a wary eye. Skulduggery walked on ahead, when Tanith kept dragging Valkyrie behind, so they were out of Skulduggery's "earshot".

"Okay, you're red in the face and your clothes are all messed up. What's going on?" she whispered, gripping Valkyrie's arm. She blushed even redder and giggled.

"Since when have you giggled like that?"

"Since I started kissing a skeleton, that's when," Valkyrie answered Tanith's question with the same serious face she used with Skulduggery. Tanith stopped dead in her tracks, mouth agape with shock. Valkyrie brushed past her, catching up to Skulduggery. She interlocked hands with him and he kissed her on the cheek. Tanith shook her head, adjusting her eyesight, but the scene in front of her would not change.

Skulduggery.

Valkyrie.

Together.

Skulduggery + Valkyrie= Love?

"Good luck telling Gordon!" she said, running past them. Skulduggery groaned and Valkyrie just laughed at him, running ahead with Tanith.

* * *

:D

It feels so awkward writing this stuff about them kissing. I've never been a very good kissing writer. It's just plain old weird.

I hope you liked it! :D Sorry for any missing words or something. I proofread, but I seem to be completely oblivious to all this.


	9. Kissing A Skeleton Part 2

Sequel to #8: Kissing A Skeleton.

As requested by **ThreeBooksInAFire **and **Rozzyrox **here is Skulduggery and Valkyrie attempting to tell Gordon about uh…their new status...

I realized, as I was looking at some old reviews I had left (cause I'm a loser like that) I saw that I said I didn't really like Valduggery….lol I suck

But, doth not the opinion change? ~

**Valkyrie is still obviously 25. It didn't take years to get back to her house.

* * *

**

"I guess I can't stay here for long," Tanith said, taking off her bike helmet. Valkyrie titled her head in confusion. "Well, you and Skulduggery will be up all niiiiiiiiiight!" Valkyrie groaned and ran up to the house.

"Why in the world did I tell Tanith?" Valkyrie asked out loud.

"I dunno. But she's gonna tell everyone."

"Who's gonna tell who what?" Ghastly asked, coming into view from the kitchen.

"GUESS WHAT!?" Tanith screamed, running up to him. He bent down so she could whisper in his ear. He nodded, until his eyes went wide in shock. He looked from Skulduggery and Valkyrie, who were shifting uneasily on their feet looking at the ground.

"Told you," Skulduggery muttered to Valkyrie, grasping her hand. She rolled her eyes and poked her tongue out. They stared at Tanith and Ghastly, who was still in shock. He whistled and shook his head.

"Well," he said. "We'll just be on our way…."

"Oh hell, Tanith! Good God!" Valkyrie rolled her eyes and headed up the stairs to her room. Tanith had a smug look on her face as Skulduggery turned to follow her.

"What?" he called out.

"Nothing, nothing. You just have fun." Tanith laughed, but immediately stopped when Valkyrie screamed. All three adults scrambled out and saw Echo-Gordon looking at a very frightened Valkyrie. Her arms were over her head and she was staring at him with wide eyes.

"What did I do?" he asked Skulduggery. Skulduggery froze.

_Oh God, Tanith…please don't spoil this…please close your mouth for one itsy bitsy second. _Skulduggery thought to himself. He looked at Tanith who was trying to suppress her laughter. Ghastly nodded and dragged Tanith out of the room.

"Good luck!" Tanith called out, laughing all the way out of the house.

"Yeah, good luck, Skulduggery!" Valkyrie bolted through Gordon and up the stairs as fast she could. She reached the last step, but felt a very sudden draft on her back. She turned and fell flat on her back.

"You started it!" he said, running up towards her.

"You went along with it!"

"Why are we wishing Skulduggery good luck?" Gordon asked, practically floating up the stairs. Valkyrie and Skulduggery just froze and stared. "What's wrong?"

"Skulduggery...I have to go take a shower. Bye!" Valkyrie yelled, scrambling up. Skulduggery snarled and attempted to grab her ankle.

"Ha! Too slow! You suck!" she said, shutting the door to her room.

"So..._what's going on_?" Gordon asked. He was getting impatient.

"Uh...Be right back!" he said, staggering up and running to Valkyrie's room. He burst through the door, slamming it shut in the process. Valkyrie was sitting on her bed, laughing.

"What if I was naked?" she asked, in all seriousness.

"Why in the world would be naked just sitting in your room?"

"You never know with me!" Skulduggery chuckled and kissed her head.

"How about we both tell him?" he asked, pleading.

"I'll stand next to you, but you wear the pants in this relationship, so there."

"Never thought you'd admit I was the dominant one," Skulduggery muttered.

"I never admitted it. Just said you wear the pants!"

"Nah. I think we should share the pants," he said, tilting his head to one side.

"So we'd be in the same pair of pants?"

"Yes."

"That's awkward."

"It would be awkward. Forget I said that. Do you really need to shower?" he played with her hair and slowly bent down to her level. She grinned and kissed him again. After breaking the kiss, Skulduggery sighed and said,

"There's no time like the present, eh?" Valkyrie smiled and got up. She straightened her clothes and opened the door quietly. Both stepped out slowly and crept down the stairs. They searched the house in search of him, but could not find the Echo image of Gordon.

"Well," Valkyrie sighed, flopping down on the couch in the living room. "Guess that ends that quest." Skulduggery sat down beside her, removing his disguise. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. She smiled and crawled up into his lap. She nuzzled her face up into his scarf. Skulduggery chuckled and cupped her face in his thin hand. He caressed her cheek on his hand, brushing it all across her face. Valkyrie grabbed his hand, placing it on her back, and leaned into him closer. His grip on her back tightened when he felt her chest press up against his.

Skulduggery placed a hand on her thigh, so as to pull her up more. She shifted so her legs were wrapped around his waist again. She took a deep breath and crushed her lips up to his teeth. He went stiff for a second, before finally wrapping his arms around her waist. She laughed up against his face and kissed him again. Her hands trailed up his chest and to his shoulders, on grabbing the right shoulder, the other grasping his ribs. He slowly put his hand up her shirt, inching up, little by little. He reached her middle back, but suddenly stopped.

"What's wrong?" Valkyrie asked, leaning back.

"I think Gordon's here…"

"_You're correct about that,_" Echo-Gordon's voice rang out from the edge of the room. He charged up towards them, stomping his foot. "_What in the world is going on?_"

"Oh nothing. Just y'know. Just kissin' skeletons," Valkyrie said, while scrambling off of Skulduggery's lap. She smoothed out her shirt, and readjusted her…bra. Skulduggery made a sound as if to clear his throat, and looked away. Echo-Gordon looked like he was pain, after seeing this little...session.

"Gordon, you look like you're about to cry," Valkyrie observed.

"I am about to cry…" he muttered. Skulduggery tilted his head in confusion.

"Why?"

"Because I'm still shocked from what I just witnessed!"

"Well," Valkyrie said, stepping up, facing Gordon. "We apologize, but we could not find you anywhere."

"Why were you looking for me?"

"Because…." Valkyrie paused and looked at Skulduggery, who looked a little confused.

"Because we're…._together_ now…" Skulduggery trailed off, avoiding Gordon's piercing glare. "Sorry Gordon, but you have no control over this."

"I know. And everyone has been expecting it to happen _sometime_. Just a little shocked…"

"Wait…what?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"You two are soooo obvious!" Gordon answered. "We all noticed it. We were just waiting for it to happen." Valkyrie blushed and Skulduggery had a sudden interest in the floor.

"But be warned!" Echo-Gordon said, drifting away. "I don't wanna see little skeleton children running around here anytime soon!"

"GORDON!" Both screamed out at the same time, lunging at him.  


* * *

Hee hee :D

I'm sorry I took so long to update. I started writing this right away, but I could not FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out how to end it. I hope this ending is acceptable! Please don't kill me!! But good news is that I have 2 other ones done and have a few more in the works. OH AND FINALS ARE OVER OMGOMGOMGOMG They were so easy! It was a friggin cake walk! School will be out soon, so I can update more! Whoo!

Ya'll be sure to _attack_ **Rozzyrox **cause she (?) helped me with a slight dilemna here! I was being a retard and didn't delete my documents and it's a long story, but go thank her! I LOVE YOU :DDDD

I apologize for the slowness, and for any mistakes. I proofread, but I'm lazy, so didn't do a very good job.

Whoo! Love ya~


	10. Kissing a Skeleton Part 3

This was suggested by Pixie C! :3 …About a thousand years ago….

Sequel to Kissing a Skeleton 1 and 2~

**Valkyrie is still 25!

* * *

**

The sun set and the stars twinkled. Dublin, Ireland was beautiful tonight. The city may have been beautiful, but the secretive on goings of the city were not so pretty. Murderers were on the loose thanks to a mysterious security breach on the Sanctuary's prison. Of course, the Sanctuary sent out one fourth of their cleavers plus the best detective they would ever get and his partner to put them all back in their cells.

"Who are we looking for this time?" Valkyrie asked, propping herself up on her elbow, looking out at the beautiful city. She watched the brick buildings go by as she sat in the 1954 Bentley her partner (in more ways than professional) owned.

"His name is…Gunther Grove," Skulduggery said, turning sharply around a corner.

"So, what did this guy do?"

"Stabbed a few people, decapitated some, poisoned some here and there," Valkyrie stared at him mouth agape in shock.

"And the Sanctuary sent _just_ us to find this mass murderer?"

"No, they sent along Ghastly, Tanith, China, and Bliss. But, the Sanctuary _does_ hate our guts."

"They hate yours more," Valkyrie pointed an accusing finger at him.

"I don't have any guts!"

"You have hypothetical guts. Brains, not so much…"

"Ouch, darling," Skulduggery laughed and parked his car at the harbor. He opened the door and quickly snuck over to the edge of the pier. He stared intensely at the water.

"What? Is this guy a mermaid or something?" Valkyrie asked, resting her hand on Skulduggery's skull. He stood, grasping her hand.

"When is everyone else going to get here?" Valkyrie asked out of the blue.

"You'd rather have their company, than amazing me?" Skulduggery asked sounding hurt. Valkyrie smiled and hugged him.

"Yes, because I hate you," she whispered into his thin neck. His fingers trailed up her arm, and landed on her back. He felt around until he found her spine. His long fingers trailed up her spinal chord, reaching up to her neck, where he gently rubbed in a circular motion. Valkyrie shuddered, chills running up and down her body. She felt goose bumps rising up on her body.

"Cold?" Skulduggery asked. Valkyrie smiled, shaking her head.

"Just felt good, is all," she whispered. Skulduggery sat down on a dock pole, gesturing for Valkyrie to join him.

"I can't fit."

"Well just sit on me."

"I might break your bones."

"How would you do that? You're really skinny. You've got great legs and…" he trailed off, looking over at the water again. Valkyrie glared.

"Okay, #1: Thank you for saying that. Appreciate it. #2: You're bones and I've got muscle and fat and stuff. #3: And…what else?" she asked, coming up closer to him. She put her hands on her hips, waiting for an answer. Skulduggery sighed, standing up and grabbing her hands again. His hands trailed down her back, reaching her jeans, her hips, and hesitated, before gently grazing over her rear. She jumped, and realization dawned on her. A huge smile appeared on her face as Skulduggery shifted around awkwardly.

"You really think I've got a good ass?" she asked loudly. Skulduggery went stiff, before nodding slowly. Valkyrie threw her hands up to her mouth, trying to keep her laughter in. She had calmed down, finally, and smiled smugly. She giggled and asked,

"And why would Mr. Skulduggery Pleasant have this certain opinion?"

"…Because."

"That's a dumb answer," she said, snaking her arms around his torso. He shivered a little when he felt Valkyrie's wet tongue on his neck. He cupped her face in his hard hand, kissing her gently. Both of them stood there for a while, kissing, feeling the wind up against them. They hadn't even noticed the footsteps coming up close to them.

"I regret having to witness this…and without knowing about it beforehand," the beautiful China Sorrows murmured in her lovely voice. Valkyrie jumped back, blushing. Skulduggery coughed and looked down at the dock when he noticed Mr. Bliss next to his sister.

"That was…interesting," Mr. Bliss whispered next. Valkyrie blushed even harder.

"Heya China. Heya Bliss. Just enjoying the scenery…" Valkyrie squeaked out. China smiled her radiant smile.

"Yes, seems so. Have you spotted him yet?" Mr. Bliss asked, peering over the water.

"Seriously! Is this guy part fish or something!?" Valkyrie asked, still confused.

"He…sorta. It's complicated," Skulduggery answered. She looked over at him, blushing one more time. Everyone turned to look at the sound of screeching tires and footsteps. Tanith and Ghastly ran up to them, as fast they could go.

"What did we miss?" Tanith asked, sword already drawn.

"Nothing much, Low. Just Skulduggery and Valkyrie in a little make out session," China answered for them.

"Oh…darn. We get those all the time!"

"Really?"

"A couple awkward meetings because of it," Ghastly piped in, looking out at the ocean.

"Seriously!? Is this guy a mermaid? Does he have a boat? Is he a fish?" Valkyrie asked, annoyed. Skulduggery chuckled, rubbing her arm. He hugged her shoulder as she pouted.

"Well…uhh…what now?" Mr. Bliss asked. He looked around at the group, whom were all smiling at Skulduggery and Valkyrie.

"Oh hell…" Valkyrie muttered. She put her arm around Skulduggery's neck, resting her head on his shoulders. China opened her mouth to say something, but instead started staring at the water. Everyone turned, and saw a large amount of bubbles forming about 10 yards from them. Gunther Grove rose out the water, running straight across it. He had gills and webbed fingers.

"Ah ha! So he is a fish!" Valkyrie yelled out, getting into a fighting stance. The rest assumed positions as well.

***

After lots of teamwork, Gunther Grove was tied up and thrown into the back of a large black car Ghastly had taken. Skulduggery made his way over to Valkyrie, who was examining a few bruises on her legs and arms. She poked some, winced, and poked again.

"If it hurts, why do you keep poking them?" Skulduggery asked. Valkyrie shrugged.

"Just checking the damage," she said, hobbling up to him. She hugged him tightly. Skulduggery wrapped his arms around her, twisting her hair in his long finger. They brought their heads together, and kissed again. The wind blew gently and the weather was absolutely perfect. The 4 left walked up to them, staring. China rolled her eyes.

"Get a room soon, please."

* * *

Ehh. Ain't my best work…Sorry Pixie C! D: I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU I SWEAR

OMG I can't do China or Bliss to save my life!! Sorry guys. Even though I do hate China with a burning passion…

I'm sorry I took a long time to get this up. I was being a lazy ass and just kept putting off…FAIL.

Sorry for any mistakes, grammar, what have you. Blah blah.


	11. Stupid Cats

Original idea suggested by ocean109…ten thousand years ago…

**22….22…22…22…

* * *

**

"No. Nope. Nein. Non. Never in a million years, Valkyrie Cain. I will not allow it," Skulduggery Pleasant said standing outside his 1954 Bentley. Valkyrie just smiled even wider.

"Good thing I live on my own and you're not my parents! Plus I just don't care!" she said happily. Valkyrie went skipping, holding the fragile kitten in her arms she had found, up to Gordon's house, which she now owned. Skulduggery sighed and followed her.

"Gordon's allergic to cats!" he called out.

"Good thing he's dead!" Valkyrie yelled out from the kitchen.

"I take offense to the that, my now NOT favorite niece!" a wispy voice bellowed from above. Echo-Gordon was out of the Echo Stone again.

"Sorry! Didn't mean it that way!" she called back upstairs. She grabbed a bowl from a cabinet and filled it with water. She came back to the living room, kitten and bowl in hand. Valkyrie set the cat down, and put the bowl right in front of it. The kitten immediately started drinking the cold water.

"I. Hate. Cats," Skulduggery murmured, watching Valkyrie stroke the kitten.

"But how can you hate Skeleton?" she asked, thrusting the kitten up in his face.

"Skeleton?"

"Yeah! That's his name! He's so tiny and skinny! And white!"

"You're seriously naming him Skeleton?" Skulduggery asked, glaring at her.

"Yeah, maybe I thought about my old biology classes and remembered the skeleton diagrams and thought 'Hey! Skeleton is a good name for this skinny guy!'" Valkyrie said, letting the cat lick her face. Skeleton jumped down from her arms, and clawed at Skulduggery's leg. He flailed around, trying not to hurt the cat.

"I beg you to get rid of it, Valkyrie! It could have _rabies_ or something horrible!" Skulduggery whined.

"Wouldn't I have noticed if it had rabies?"

"Naw. You're pretty thickskulled," Skulduggery laughed, receiving a slap on his arm.

"Well I think little Skeleton is the cutest thing in the whole world…Where did he go?"

"Oh great! You've owned him for a total of 15 minutes and you already lost the damn thing!"

"Not my fault he ran off!" Valkyrie yelled, searching the room. Skulduggery turned around and found a large wet spot right where his hat was. He picked up the hat, inspecting it. He looked more closely at it, and roared out.

"WHAT!?" Valkyrie exclaimed, barging back into the room.

"You're stupid cat peed on my hat!"

Valkyrie just burst out into laughter.

* * *

:D I've also had this one stored up for a thousand years.

.....Uh yeah. Bye.


	12. I Love You I Love You

Original idea suggested by DeathWriter…back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth…

Valkyrie can be…25…And it's her POV!

**And the stuff in italics is the song lyrics.

* * *

**

I stepped out of the shower listening to Frank Sinatra on my weird little stereo iPod thing. Hey, Skulduggery was right. This guy had an amazing voice.

I quickly toweled off and threw on some clothes and combed out my hair, then drying it automatically with my magic. I grabbed my music and went down the stairs for some type of breakfast that actually had substance. I pulled out a bagel from the counter and popped it into the toaster. I sat on the counter listening to Skulduggery's all time favorite song: The Girl From Ipanema. As horrible and sexist as those lyrics were, they sounded fantastic.

_Tall and tan and young and lovely  
The girl from Ipanema goes walking  
And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah_

I started humming the words, then eventually started to sing. Everyone said I some amazing voice, but I didn't believe them. And plus, I hated singing in front of people. I couldn't do it. Sure I can fearlessly beat up horrible monsters and such, but NEVER could I sing in public.

_When she walks, she's like a samba  
That swings so cool and sways so gentle  
That when she passes, each one she passes goes – ooh_

I kept singing, completely ignoring the sound of the creaky window opening. I looked over at the skeleton trying to creep through quietly, still singing. He chuckled at me and sat next to me.

_(ooh) But I watch her so sadly  
How can I tell her I love her  
Yes I would give my heart gladly  
But each day, when she walks to the sea  
She looks straight ahead, not at me_

We started singing together, sounding almost perfectly matched. Skulduggery already had a nice voice to begin with, and my ears weren't complaining.

_Tall, (and) tan, (and) young, (and) lovely  
The girl from ipanema goes walking  
And when she passes, I smile - but she doesnt see (doesnt see)  
(she just doesnt see, she never sees me,...)_

The song ended and I grabbed my bagel from behind Skulduggery. He smiled at me, and placed an arm around my shoulders.

"You really are quite good, Valkyrie," he urged. I rolled my eyes.

"As everyone else has said, on many occasions."

"Well, they're just complimenting your lovely voice!" he protested, hopping off of the counter. He picked up my iPod and started fiddling with the buttons.

"Don't almost break it like last time!" I said to him. "Wouldn't wanna have to fish it out of another lake!"

"Hey," he said, skipping a few songs. "The baddie knocked it out of my hands!"

"Yeah," I smirked. "After he snuck up on you and scared you silly."

Skulduggery glared and set the stereo thing down. A soft strumming of the guitar started playing. Soon, a man's voice and a woman's voice started singing.

_I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time  
To spend an evening with me  
And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance  
You wont be leaving with me_

I sauntered up to Skulduggery, standing very close to him. He grabbed my waist and suddenly dipped me down low.

_And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place  
And have a drink or two  
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid  
Like: I love you_

_I can see it in your eyes, that you despise the same old lies  
You heard the night before  
And though its just a line to you, for me its true  
It never seemed so right before_

Skulduggery was now only a few inches from my face, and it was getting a tad awkward. Well, maybe it was nice. But we were still uncomfortably close.

_I practice every day to find some clever lines to say  
To make the meaning come through  
But then I think Ill wait until the evening gets late  
And I'm alone with you_

_The time is right your perfume fills my head, the stars get red  
And oh the nights so blue  
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid  
Like: I love you_

_I love you, I love you,..._

Skulduggery pulled me up farther and set me down firmly on my feet.

"I love you," he whispered. I smiled and blushed a little.

"Way to spoil this all!"

* * *

EVERYTHING I WRITE NOW IS VALDUGGERY GOOD GOD.

Oh well, I love the pairing! I also love Sinatra. Not just because Skulduggery does, but because he really does have a great voice. I vote you all go listen to his cool album "Nothing But the Best". It's got some awesome songs! I LOVE FRANK.

The first song is obviously The Girl From Ipanema. And the second song would be Somethin' Stupid. I loooove that song. It's amazing.

Sorry for any mistakes and such. I'm tired so I don't really have much else to say.

Anyways, uhhh yeah. Sorry if it's a tad OOC…yeah. Bye.


	13. Funny Vampires

HOW COULD I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF THIS EARLIER!?!?

**This is a large warning and deserves to be put in bold because it's **_**that**_** special. Okay, this drabble contains me making fun of ****Twilight****. I know that it's cherished by many people, but I for one hate it. I don't wish harm upon Stephenie Meyer for creating it, though. I just hate the characters. They get on my nerves, especially BELLA! But, I digress. If you do not wish to read Twilight bashing, theeeeen don't read this. Simple as that. If you can suck it up and handle a bit, then by all means, READ! And, it's not like I completely stomp on it and spit in its face! I just make fun of the characters. Plus the writing is bad. So yeah… **

**Valkyrie can be 14…that's a good age to be obsessed with Twilight, right?

* * *

**

Valkyrie Cain shifted the air beneath her, gliding up to her window. She landed gracefully on the sill, climbing through. She found her reflection sitting on her bed, reading a large thick black book.

"Where did you get that?" Valkyrie asked, taking off her protective coat. "More importantly, _what _is it?"

The reflection held up the book. It had an apple on the front, with some person who looked a little _too_ pale holding it. There was fancy script written at the top of the book. It read _Twilight_.

"What's Twilight?" Valkyrie asked, getting out regular clothes and shoving her protective clothes under bed. Her reflection shrugged.

"Girls at the school keep going on and on about it. They say it is amazing. Someone gave me a copy and I am supposed to read it," she simply said, going back to read it. Valkyrie sat down next to her, reading a quick paragraph the reflection was on.

Valkyrie was not impressed.

"What's it about?"

The reflection held up the back so Valkyrie could read it. It was basically about a girl named Bella who falls in love with a vampire who _sparkles_ named Edward. She snorted and let the reflection keep reading. The reflection finished the page she was on and asked if Valkyrie wanted to resume her life. She nodded and the reflection stepped into the mirror. Valkyrie touched the surface and all the memories of the day came flooding to her.

She saw the preppy girls all squealing over something Edward apparently did. Valkyrie picked up the black book and started reading from the beginning. She got to chapter 10 and was about to tear her hair out.

She hated this book.

What she hated more were the characters. Bella was a whiny brat who never did anything except pour her heart to Edward and almost faint every five seconds. Oh, and she fell a lot too since she was _so klutzy! _

Edward was a creeper who stalked Bella and never left her alone. He watched her sleep for God's sake! Of course, he was supposedly beautiful, and amazing at absolutely everything, but he still was a creeper. Oh, and sparkling in the sun didn't help either. Vampires don't do that.

"Vampires rip off their skin!" Valkyrie yelled out. She threw the book down and rolled over to go to sleep.

Valkyrie awoke from her pleasant sleep and found a not so pleasant figure at her window. Skulduggery continued to tap non-stop on her window and was trying to get in.

"What do you waaaant?" Valkyrie was annoyed. Skulduggery shrunk back.

"We got vampires on the loose, _again_."

"Just some random ones? It's not Dusk right?" Valkyrie asked. She paused and let her mind wander. She suddenly burst out in laughter.

Imagining Dusk _sparkle_ was not a good mental image.

* * *

:D

Sorry for any mistakes!


	14. Valkyrie Cain Was No More

* * *

My Bentley raced down the street with Tanith desperately trying to drive it.

But I didn't care.

What I cared about was my dying sixteen-year-old partner. Her breathing was uneven and blood poured over from the bullet wound right beside her heart.

She shook from the pain.

She was fighting to keep her eyes open.

She could barely move.

She reached her hand up to my skeletal face, stroking it.

"Be good for me, alright?" she whispered. I nodded and crushed her close to me, ignoring the blood getting all over my suit. She smiled once last time and placed a hand on my back.

"Keep living for me," she whispered again. I nodded again and held her closer.

She took one last breath.

It left her body forever.

Valkyrie Cain was no more.

* * *


	15. Fireworks

Inspired by my parents blowing crap up on the 4th of July! :DD Happy Birthday, United States! Well it's a little laaate, but whatever.

**Valkyrie ish being 25.

* * *

**

Skulduggery bent down with the flame still in his hand. He backed away slowly, then speed walked up to his partner, Ghastly, Tanith, Fletcher, Kenspeckle, and Echo-Gordon. They all watched the sparks fly up in the air, popping loudly. Valkyrie grinned at the fireworks colorful lights. More sparks flew up in the air, and suddenly, it stopped.

"Oh come on!" Valkyrie yelled.

Fletcher smirked. "Are you sure you're 25 and not 5?"

Valkyrie stuck her tongue out. "Well it just _ended_. It should have had a better ending!"

Fletcher rolled his eyes and stepped up a little bit. He reached into the little bad of snaps he had and threw them on the ground. They exploded with a pop and gave off little lights. Kenspeckle groaned beside Valkyrie.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Why in the world are we doing this?" he grumbled. "It's not a special holiday!"

"But it's summer! Everyone just shoots of fireworks for kicks in summer!"

Kenspeckle rolled his eyes and shifted in his rickety old chair.

"Oh come on Kenspeckle!" Valkyrie pleaded. "Be happy! It's summer! And there's always the prospect of Skulduggery or Fletcher getting half blown up from a firework or something!"

Kenspeckle chuckled and shifted again. He watched Skulduggery light up a strange looking firework, and then step back. The firework spun round and round in a circle, changing into the colors of the rainbow. It went around and bounced, while emitting a high-pitched whirring sound. It spun one more time, until it stopped. Skulduggery shrugged.

"Now what?" he asked. Everyone shrugged.

"How about sparklers?" Echo-Gordon suggested. Valkyrie grinned from ear to ear. She ran inside Gordon's old house and returned with a long box. Everyone rushed up to her to get a sparkler, except Skulduggery and Kenspeckle. Ghastly, Skulduggery, and Valkyrie clicked their fingers to summon a flame. They lit everyone else's, then each other's. Fletcher swung his around and jumped into the air. Tanith waved hers around in pretty little designs. Ghastly just stood there on the pavement, holding them outwards. Valkyrie twirled around with her sparklers and waved them around.

"Come on you guys!" she called out to Skulduggery and Kenspeckle. They both shook their heads.

"Pleeeeease?" she pleaded. Skulduggery sighed and grabbed some sparklers. He handed one to Kenspeckle. Valkyrie bounded up to them and clicked her fingers for a fireball. She lit them and disposed of her burnt out ones. She grabbed both men's arms and dragged them out towards everyone else. Kenspeckle sighed and stared at the dancing sparks. Skulduggery stood completely still, staring out into space.

"Hey?" Valkyrie waved a sparkler in the skeleton's face. "Heeeello? You dead?"

"It is quite impossible for me to die, seeing in how I'm already dead," he replied. Valkyrie rolled her eyes and continued to wave the sparkler in his face.

"You're going to burn my skull off if you keep doing that."

Valkyrie immediately stopped, then started again. "Well, then we'll just find you another skull."

Skulduggery shook his head in disbelief. "It better be a good one then."

He whipped out his hand and grabbed the sparkler from her. "Hey! Not fair!"

"Maybe," he said casually, "you should have stopped waving the damn thing in my face."

Valkyrie pouted then grabbed the box of snaps in her pocket. She thrust them to the ground and they all exploded at their feet.

"You could burn off someone's foot with those, you know!"

"Oh please," she rolled her eyes. "I don't think these would burn off a whole foot. They'd just leave a little burn mark! Goodness…"

Skulduggery chuckled and grabbed some snaps. He threw them to his side, hearing the satisfying _SNAP _they made.

"Hey guys!" Tanith called out towards them. Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked over just in time to see a firework go whizzing into the air. It exploded into a hundred different colors, with tiny golden sparks flying everywhere.

"Happy Whatever-The-Hell-We're-Celebrating," Skulduggery murmured, hugging Valkyrie close to him.

"Yes. Glad we could celebrate this joyous holiday."

* * *

HOLY SHITTY ENDINGS, BATMAN!

Looook! Valkyrie's alive!

Sorry for any mistakes!

:D


	16. Star Gazing

**Let's mix it up and say Valkyrie's 23! Ooooh!

* * *

**

"There's cancer!" Valkyrie yelled out, pointing up above her. She sat up farther to get a better look at the constellation in the sky. Beside her, Skulduggery shifted to get a better look.

"That's not cancer," he replied. Valkyrie stared him down.

"How can you tell, Mr. Astronomer?"

"Because the constellations look _nothing_ like the actual name sakes. That actually looks like a crab, so that's automatically not cancer," Skulduggery tried explaining. Valkyrie huffed and crossed her arms, lying back down in the soft grass.

"You take the fun out of star gazing, you know?"

"That's why you all love me."

Valkyrie slapped his arm. "No, we're just humoring you. Making you feel loved. See, we all feel terrible for you. You're a loner who has no friends and OH GOD. What are you doing?"

Skulduggery had taken his scarf from beside him and was wrapping it around Valkyrie's mouth, making it so she couldn't talk. She screamed but it was muffled through the thick wool.

"That will keep you quiet for a while," he said, satisfied with his work. Valkyrie sighed and reached to pull the scarf off.

"Ah," she said, throwing the scarf at him. "You forget that I have brains and hands."

"Brains? Really?" Skulduggery mused. Valkyrie rolled her eyes and kicked his leg.

"Oh look!" she said suddenly. She pointed up at the sky. "The big dipper! It actually looks like a dipper!"

"Got that right. Congratulations, Miss Astronomer."

Valkyrie beamed. "Why thank you, Mr. Astronomer. Appreciate that."

They sat together in the comfortable silence for a while. Occasionally Valkyrie would attempt to point out a constellation, but would never be right.

"Fine! I'll just make my own constellations!" she crossed her arms and started connecting the stars around to make designs.

"I name this one 'Annoying' because it reminds me of you," she said pointedly.

Skulduggery sat up to look at her. "How does it remind you of me?"

"It's kinda funny shaped and weird looking. Plus it looks like it has a hat on!" she exclaimed. Skulduggery sighed and nudged her arm.

"Gee thanks," he muttered, scooting closer to her. Valkyrie looked at him, trying to figure out what he was doing. She finally figured it out, and rested her head up on his bony shoulder. Skulduggery snaked his arm around her torso and pulled her closer to him. Valkyrie sighed contently and rested her hand on Skulduggery's ribcage.

"What?"

"Oh nothing," she sighed again. "I just love how we can argue one second and be like this the next."

"Oh yes," he mused, pulling her face up closer to his. "I love it too."

* * *

HOLY NOT QUITE AS SHITTY ENDINGS, BATMAN.

Was it bad? Cause I wrote it really fast I didn't wanna lose this idea.

Sorry for any mistakes!

:DD


	17. Toddler Stephanie

**Pre-Skulduggery-and-Valkyrie-being-partners-and-stuff**

And WOW! Thanks you guys! I now have a total of 65 reviews! Thanks so much! :DDD HUGS TO YOU ALL! I was gone for two days and I received 27 e-mails! A few of them were from other places but most of them were definitely from you reviewers! So, really, thank you. I feel so loved now :DDD

Oh, and I changed my name. Just a smidge. Still pretty obvious it's meeee! :3

* * *

Skulduggery knocked once. He waited. He knocked again on the large wooden door leading to Gordon Edgley's estate.

"Gordon?!" he called out in a desperate attempt. Skulduggery knocked again on the large door. He stepped back and placed his hands in his pockets. He felt something metal.

"Oh damn…" he muttered, placing the extra key in the lock. He swung the door open creeping in slowly. He removed his regular disguise, placing it on the regular table.

"Gordon? You have to be here. You're finishing that book!" he called out, expecting a snort of an answer from his friend. Skulduggery shifted around in the entryway, but spun around at the pitter-patter of tiny feet. Before he could really register what was coming at him, someone clung onto his leg. He peered down carefully and saw a small girl with dark hair sitting down on his foot. He bent down to yank her off of his leg. He noticed the child was crying.

"What's wrong?" he attempted. He was never the greatest with children, even with his own. The girl rubbed her dark eyes and held her arms up. Skulduggery looked down at her, but picked her up anyway.

"What's wrong?" he asked again. The girl sniffed and buried her head into his bony shoulder.

"The daddy died!" she cried out and clasped her hands behind Skulduggery's thin neck.

"What daddy?" Skulduggery awkwardly patted her head. The girl pointed to the living room entryway and kicked her legs. Skulduggery slowly walked into the room and found the TV was on. A small lion cub was talking to a darker lion. The cub suddenly took off into a full sprint.

"Ahh," Skulduggery only half understood what was wrong. "Did this scare you?"

The girl nodded and brought her hand up to his skull. She patted him on the cheek and squirmed around until he let her down.

"You're funny wookin'," she said, smiling widely. "Mah name is Stephanie. What your name?"

"Skulduggery!" the familiar voice of Gordon Edgley came from behind him.

"Not my fault. This little girl came up to me cause she was scared because you showed her that movie with the lions!" he protested. The girl tugged at his pant leg.

"What your name? It sounds weird," she giggled and stuck her arms up. Gordon swooped in and scooped her up instead. He ruffled her hair and tickled her stomach.

"Gordon…why in the world do you have a small child here with you?"

"She's my niece! You know. The one that doesn't whine continuously like the other twins?" Gordon asked, placing Stephanie down on the ground. She played with the purple ruffled shirt she wore, lifting it up to examine her bellybutton.

"Uncle Gordon?" she asked. "What dis?" She pointed to her bellybutton and poked it. Gordon bent down to tickle her again.

"That's your belly button!" Gordon excitedly pointed out. He looked up at Skulduggery and shrugged.

"OH!" Stephanie clapped her hands together happily. "Uncle Gordon?"

"Yes?"

"Why does that man look like that?" she pointed up at Skulduggery who stepped back in surprise. "Is he a-a-a s-skewetwon?"

"How does this two year old know what a skeleton is?" Skulduggery glared at Gordon.

"Hey!" Stephanie yelled at Skulduggery. "I not two. I a big girl. I three."

"Oh," Skulduggery looked down at his feet. "Sorry."

"Uncle Gordon? Is he a skewetwon?" Stephanie asked again. Gordon opened his mouth, but closed it again.

"Yes," he finally decided on. "How about Skul plays with you? I'll be right back."

"Okay Uncle Gordon!" Stephanie grinned and motioned for Skulduggery to pick her up. He scooped her up and stood there awkwardly with her around his waist. Gordon grinned and headed up the stairs.

"Mr. Skewetwon?" Stephanie asked. She played with Skulduggery's jacket, poking the soft fabric. "What do you wanna do?"

Skulduggery shrugged. "Do you know any good games?"

"HIDE AND SEEK!" Stephanie wriggled out of Skulduggery's arm and jumped to the ground. She ran off upstairs. "You're it!"

Skulduggery chuckled and began counting. "Ready or not, here I come!"

He ascended the stairs and searched around. He came to a bathroom with the shower curtain closed. He listened and heard a tiny giggle.

"Hmm," he pondered, wandering around the bathroom. "Where might Stephanie be?"

Stephanie yanked the curtains back and jumped into Skulduggery's arms. "Here I am!"

She giggled and hugged Skulduggery.

"You found me! That's not how it goes!" Skulduggery wagged a finger at her. She grinned at him widely and hugged him again. Skulduggery smiled and lashed out to tickle her. Stephanie squirmed around, giggling like a mad man. She stepped away and stomped her foot. She ran up and slapped him on his arm.

"Stop dat!" she said. Skulduggery nodded slowly. Stephanie sat down on the bathtub edge and motioned for Skulduggery to join her.

"I sawwy. Are we still friends?" she asked, holding the skeleton's hand. Skulduggery smiled and patted her head. He nodded and watched her smile widely. She clapped her hands and crawled into his lap.

"How about we stay friends for forever and we do a bunch of cool stuffs together!" Stephanie suggested. She hugged Skulduggery tightly and began playing with his jacket again.

"Sure, Stephanie. Let's be friends for forever."

"Yay!"

"What's so 'yay'?" Gordon asked, strolling into the bathroom. "And more importantly, why are you in a bathroom?"

"We were playing hide and seek, Gordon," Skulduggery answered. Stephanie nodded and climbed onto Skulduggery's back.

"Wow. Skulduggery, are you in need of an adorable niece?" Gordon jokingly asked.

"Hey! Don't give me away!" Stephanie huffed and climbed down Skulduggery. Gordon laughed and picked her up.

"Well you better not go running off with Mr. Skeleton here!" Gordon told her. Stephanie smiled and yawned. "Tired?"

"No! I not sleepy!" she protested, resting her head on Gordon's shoulder.

"I truly think you are," Gordon started heading out the bathroom, but Stephanie stopped him. He set her down and she came running up to Skulduggery.

"Mr. Skewetwon, pwomise me that you'll be my friend," she said, staring into his black eye sockets with her dark eyes.

"I promise, Stephanie. I promise."

* * *

I actually thoroughly enjoy the idea that they met once a long time ago when Valkyrie/Stephanie was younger. It just seemed cute!

So yeah. Sorry for any mistakes guys! And the weird misspelled words are supposed to be misspelled. It's cute adorable baby Stephanie talk! :3

:D


	18. Gum

* * *

"Must you really chew that loud?" Skulduggery asked, tired of hearing his fourteen-year-old partner chew her gum.

"It's actually necessary, yes," Valkyrie Cain said, blowing a bubble. It popped and she sucked it all back into her mouth.

"I swear, if you get that anywhere on my car, I will…"

"What? You love me too much to threaten to kill me."

"I'll shackle you to Fletcher," he laughed at Valkyrie's horror-struck face.

"If you _dare_…"

"I wouldn't want to subject you to such torture. That's just mean."

Valkyrie sighed in relief. "Thank God. I should throw you off a cliff or something soon."

"Oh charming, really. No wonder everyone loves you," he jerked away from Valkyrie's elbow, aimed at his ribs.

"I can't wait till I'm stronger than you."

"Valkyrie, dear, I truly doubt the day will ever come when you can beat me."

"Pfft. Just watch. I'll be eighteen and be able to whoop you four hundred year old ass!" she pumped a fist in the air, blowing a bubble again. It popped and she began chewing again.

"I hope that gum gets stuck in your hair," Skulduggery said, stopping the engine to his Bentley. Valkyrie glared at him.

"That isn't very nice, ya know. You'd want me to destroy my pretty hair?"

"It's hair, Valkyrie. What's so great about it?"

"I took a long to get it to look like this!"

"It took you time to grow it, yeah. No duh."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and blew another bubble. It popped and got most of her lips. She tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge. Skulduggery roared with laughter.

"First, get that gum off your face. Then we can discuss you 'whooping my four hundred year old ass.'"

* * *

:3

**AriusWinter**: You want more dead Valkyrie stuff…? I find that strange, but I shall comply…it might be tear stained, cause it's pretty depressing writing DEAD VALKYRIE STUFF.

Sorry for any mistakes, guys!


	19. Stupid Time to Propose, Skulduggery

**Valkyrie, you're twenty-six. And then you'd probably stop aging after that.

* * *

**

"Ha! Do not try that again! You hear?" Valkyrie directed Skulduggery.

He sighed and stepped up closer. "It's not like I _meant_ to."

"So, blasting the wall of a very fragile building was just a mistake?"

"…Yes."

"And it was not in a desperate attempt to save me because you thought I couldn't get the baddie?"

"…I lied about the other thing."

"So it was a desperate attempt, huh?" Valkyrie pointed an accusing finger at Skulduggery. "Please jam the information through your skull that I'm not a wuss."

"But you seemed to be tired and that guy was really fast!" he protested. "I acted in what I though was the best interest for both of us!"

Valkyrie chuckled. "You mean to save your _girlfriend_?"

"…Yes."

"But you have a tough girlfriend!" Valkyrie grabbed Skulduggery's arms and shook him.

"Well yes, but…" he trailed off, crossing his arms. She glared at him and stepped back. Valkyrie clutched her chest and grunted. She fell to the ground, still clutching her chest. Skulduggery put his legs on either side of her, and bent down to stare at her.

"Are you alright?" he asked doubtfully. "You seem to be writhing in pain."

"Only because you stabbed me in the heart," Valkyrie accused. She grabbed onto Skulduggery's hand and hoisted herself up.

"I did no such thing."

Valkyrie fumed and clenched her fists. "You frustrate me to no end. Sometimes, I really just wish I could take you and throw you in a river or something. Or kill you," she closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.

"Valkyrie?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know you're already dead."

"No. Not that. Will you marry me?"

Valkyrie opened her eyes. Skulduggery was down on one knee, holding a small velvety box.

"Wh-What?"

"Will you marry me, Valkyrie Cain?"

"Weren't we just arguing? Weren't we just in a fight?" she asked incredulously. Skulduggery shrugged.

"Don't we argue 24/7?" he asked, standing up and tossing the box in the air, catching it again.

"Well yeah…B-B-But that was just the _weirdest_ time to ask. Knowing you, you'd probably go all over the top and be annoying about it."

"Valkyrie?"

"…Yes?"

"Do you?"

She bit her lip, wringing her hands. She stopped and became perfectly still, until a wide smile crept across her face.

"Of course!"

She stepped up closer to him. He opened the box carefully, revealing the small golden ring. It had one large diamond in the middle, with two smaller ones on either side. He slipped the ring onto her right ring finger and kissed her hand lightly. Valkyrie brought her hand up to her face to examine the ring.

"It's gorgeous!" she exclaimed, tackling Skulduggery. She wrapped her arms around his neck and entwined her legs with his own. "I absolutely love it."

"I was hoping you would. Good thing I know you inside out."

"Oh yes, great."

Skulduggery pulled back to look at her. Her dark eyes were shimmering in the setting sun, trying to hold back tears. He wiped away one that had already escaped.

"I love you."

"Figures," she giggled and pulled back a little as well. "I would hope you do, or this marriage isn't going to work."

"We'll figure something out."

Valkyrie smiled and kissed him softly. "While arguing no doubt."

"No doubt in my mind we'll be the same tomorrow."

"Definitely," Valkyrie said, beginning to walk back up to the Bentley several yards away. Skulduggery climbed gracefully into the driver's seat, while Valkyrie slid in next to him. He started the car and headed off to the Sanctuary, to dispose of the unconscious criminal in the trunk.

"Oh Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

"You still suck for trying to protect me."

"…Naturally."

* * *

I got a strange sense of déjà vu from that argument they were having ;-)

Uhh so yeah. Sorry it kinda sucks. I'm not jumping for joy over it either.

OH AND FORGOT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME 70 REVIEWS! I love you guys so much and really think I should throw you a party or something! How about we all meet at Valkyrie's house? XD

Anyways, sorry for any mistakes and thanks for reading!

:D

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH FINGER THE RING GOES ON. YA'LL WANNA TELL ME WHICH ONE?! I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT NOT KNOWING.


	20. Skulduggery Has No Idea

_**WARNINGS: **_ Some pretty adult themes here ya guys! And minor swearing.

**Valkyrie's 24!**

The idea was inspired reading a bajillion comments on this one fanfic thing on Deviant Art. Yah.

* * *

Valkyrie took a sip of her water, giving Skulduggery a funny look. He had been staring at her for the past five minutes.

"Can I help you?" she asked, taking another drink from her water.

"Valkyrie, what's a condom?"

Valkyrie spit her drink out, coughing it up. Fletcher and Tanith turned to look at them.

"What did you just say?" Fletcher stared at Skulduggery.

"I asked what a condom is. What's so bad about it?" Skulduggery shrugged and turned to Valkyrie again. "Seriously. I have no idea. What is it?"

She shook her head and looked at Tanith. "You tell him."

"Why me?"

"Because you might have seen one! And I haven't!"

"Oh, wait," Echo-Gordon piped in, "I think I have some in my bathroom."

"Oh sweet Jesus, I did NOT want to know that, Gordon!" Valkyrie swung her arm into her Uncle's ghost like face, distorting the image.

"Just as a thought…"

"So, Skulduggery," Fletcher turned to him. "You want to know what a condom is, huh?"

"Yes. I'm really curious."

"Well, I'm pretty sure, that Valkyrie would really be the expert here. She would know all about it," he smirked and winked at her.

"Fletcher," Valkyrie threatened, summoning a fireball, "so help me God, I will set you on fire with this."

He shuddered and scooted away from her.

"Valkyrie?" Tanith said. "I really think Skulduggery wants to know."

Valkyrie blushed and leaned in towards Skulduggery. "Just as a warning before I tell you, what Fletcher said, is completely false. Do not believe a word he said."

Skulduggery nodded. Valkyrie took his face in her hands and put her mouth to the side of his skull. She whispered into his "ear" what it does. She pulled back and blushed beet red. Skulduggery stared at her, then at Fletcher and Tanith, who could barely contain their laughter. They both got up, leaving the two behind.

"Uhh…" Skulduggery began. "Sorry I made you tell me."

"Thaaat's alright. Just…ask Ghastly next time," she said, getting up and following Tanith, dragging her away. They sat down in the kitchen, whispering about Skulduggery.

"You suck," Valkyrie glared.

"Oh, but he wanted to know!"

"Doesn't mean _I_ have to tell him."

"He asked you, didn't he?"

They both looked up and saw Fletcher whisper something to Skulduggery. He coked his head to one side in thought. He nodded and came up to Valkyrie.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery crossed his arms, "Fletcher told me to ask you why they have flavored ones."

"Oh good GOD."

* * *

LOL But awwwwwwwwwkward :3

Hey, it's my twentieth upload! WHOO!

Sorry for any mistakes guys!

:DDDDDD


	21. Fletcher's Silly Challenge

Ooookay. This is a short drabble my friend and I came up with for kicks. We went to go see Harry Potter 6 (which was amaaazing!) and then we had a sleepover at her house. Since I FORCED her to read SP, she is now obsessed with it, as am I. SO, point is, we did this at like…1 in the morning. And we just had a bunch of sugar, so that's why it's completely crazy and weird.

So, we kinda know it sucks, but we both hope you get a kick out of it.

**Valkyrie's 16 ya'll! ** **Oh, and we're at Ghastly's shop…thing. We didn't know where to put it in the story…so we're just slapping it here.

* * *

**

It was 11 at night, but Valkyrie truly didn't care. She was too engrossed in another lesson with Tanith. This week's lesson was hand-to-hand combat. One can guess who was winning: the 22 year old or the fourteen year old. While all of this was transpiring, Ghastly was making a suit for Fletcher, due to the fact that Valkyrie "accidentally" set aflame Fletcher's regular clothes. Skulduggery sat on the beat up old couch by the fire _trying _to read an out-dated newspaper. However, Fletcher, decided it was the perfect time to practice his teleportation skills by appearing behind, in front, to the right, and the left of Skulduggery repeatedly. Both stopped to look at Valkyrie and Tanith fight. Ghastly stopped his work and said,

"Someone's going to get hurt!"

As soon as he finished talking, Tanith's elbow connected with Valkyrie's nose.

"God Tanith! You totally broke my nose!" Valkyrie yelled, clutching her bleeding nose. Tanith rushed over with a tissue.

"Sorry Val! I swear I didn't mean to! But you know me. I get really competitive!" She dragged Valkyrie away to the bathroom, carrying more tissues. Due to the shrill scream Valkyrie gave, Fletcher didn't concentrate, and landed directly on Skulduggery's lap. Fletcher smirked and winked.

"Well hello Skulduggery," he said in a cocky voice. Then in one swift motion, Skulduggery dumped Fletcher on the ground, immediately resuming his reading. Fletcher pouted and sat back down next to Skulduggery.

"Hey Skul," Fletcher turned to look at him. "What would you say to me _bangin' _Valkyrie?" Skulduggery tensed up and slowly, _slowly _turned his skull to Fletcher.

"What did you say?" he asked menacingly.

Fletcher merely shrugged. "Just curious. Now that I know the answer, I'll definitely have to try it."

Skulduggery clenched his fists and turned back to the newspaper, now a pile of ashes.

"If you dare hurt her," he muttered, "you better learn to teleport far away from here. No matter what, I will still find you and kill you."

"Man! You're cranky!"

"Well when you say 'bangin' Valkyrie', things will most likely get ugly."

"Look skeleton, I might be insensitive to women, but I would never do _anything_ to hurt Valkyrie. Now Tanith, THAT'S a different story."

Fletcher could feel a cold glare from Ghastly's spot across the room. Skulduggery shook his head, when he suddenly heard a crash. Tanith and Valkyrie were at it again. Ghastly officially lost it.

"Couch! Now!" he screamed, pointing a finer at both girls. Valkyrie sat beside Fletcher, with Tanith beside Skulduggery. Skulduggery continued to read another newspaper, while Fletcher continued to teleport everywhere. He looked over at Valkyrie and lost concentration.

He smirked and got an idea.

"Heya Val, how's your nose?" he asked, still smirking.

"Fine…Tha-" She was cut off and was suddenly teleported to the roof. "What the hell?!"

"We've known each other for a while now," Fletcher paced across the roof, "and I was just wondering if you like _like_ me.

Valkyrie looked appalled. "No! You are the most idiotic, spiky-haired jerk I have ever met, and I've met quite a few. I like you as a friend, no more, but definitely a lot less now!" She gently floated down back to the door of the shop, slamming it shut.

Fletcher thought for a moment. "This is a challenge I am not backing down on."

* * *

Remember! We wrote this at 1 in the morning! We're sorry it sucks, and I'm sorry for any mistakes (since I typed it up)!

:DDD


	22. Not The Same Old Valkyrie Cain

My bathroom must be magical. Or my toothpaste. Either way, I just get a ton of story ideas from there. And…uhh…I guess these are spoilers for the 3rd book. Sort of. Kind of. So, moecat433 if you keep reading this, don't say I didn't warn ya!

* * *

The tall, lanky girl in black strolled down the sidewalk, in perfect rhythm with her mentor. He was equally tall and thin, wearing an extremely well tailored suit. His dark hair was messy, but still sophisticated. He had dark eyes, much like his apprentice, but they were more black than brown. Overall, he was a very dark person, dressing in black many times, to go along with his pure black cane.

"Valkyrie," Solomon Wreath said, spinning his cane, "wait here. I'll be back."

"Sounds good." Wreath stood still and let himself be engulfed in shadows, and suddenly, he disappeared. Valkyrie brushed her short hair out of her eyes, playing with black ring on her finger. Once, the ring had been beautiful. The single amethyst in the middle shone bright, while the silver band it was on had small diamonds around the edge. Now, it was a dull black that had shadows rising from it, disappearing in graceful curls, swirling around its owners face. But Valkyrie didn't want to think about it. She hated who had given her this ring. She never wanted to see his stupid face again, or those deep black eye sockets, staring her down.

She shook her head, trying to rid herself of all the thoughts revolving around him. He had left her. Just one day, she had woken up, expecting him to be there to pick her up for the normal day of arguing, but he never showed. Valkyrie waited by the docks everyday, through the freezing winters and the heated summers, waiting for that black Bentley to pull up. She waited for the tall, skinny man to step out of the car, scarf wrapped tightly around his face, sunglasses, hair, hat, the usual. She expected him to make up some silly excuse for why he was late. She wanted to hear him say that the great Skulduggery Pleasant would never be late; everyone else was just too early for his liking.

But he never came.

Valkyrie Cain hadn't seen or heard from Skulduggery Pleasant in over 50 years.

She was now a young woman, somewhere around 24, give or take a few decades. She stopped aging a few years after he left.

"Hey lady!" a man called out, interrupting Valkyrie's thoughts. "What's up?" Valkyrie turned to face him. She would recognize his face anywhere.

"Shan, who would expect you to be here?" Valkyrie answered playfully. Shan Wake stepped up to her, patting her head.

"Don't think you should be out this late, Miss Cain," he said, checking his pocket watch. He flipped it open, and then began to laugh. "Whoops!" he yelled.

"Shan are you drunk?"

"Just a bit tipsy, dear." Valkyrie nodded, unsure of what to do. Shan Wake waved and let his pocket watch engulf him in its shadows. He was crazy, but a powerful necromancer. He helped out with Valkyrie's training in the beginning. He and Wreath were good friends. Valkyrie sighed. She missed her friends. Sure, she had new ones, but they didn't compare to the people she used to spend hours on end with. Valkyrie sighed again. She took off her battered up old hat and ruffled her hair. Her hat slipped out of her hand when the wind blew around her.

"Oh damn," she muttered. Valkyrie ran off, sprinting to catch up to her hat. She stopped suddenly as a man came strolling up to her, her hat in his hand.

"Your hat." It wasn't a question. Valkyrie reached her hand and snatched the hat up. She placed it on her head, turning and began running back.

"Valkyrie!" the man called out.

"Leave me alone!"

"Would you just wait?" Valkyrie stopped and turned and clenched her fists.

"I've waited fifty years. You expect me to wait longer?" she shrieked at the old skeleton detective. Skulduggery caught up to her and began removing his sunglasses and scarf.

"Valkyrie," he said, "how are you?"

She stared at him. "You're asking me how I am?"

"Well it's been a while, hasn't it?"

"No thanks to you."

"Look," he sighed. "I left because I thought it was the best thing to do at the time."

"Oh really?"

"Really, Valkyrie."

"Well then tell me," Valkyrie paced around him, flexing her shadows, threatening him, "how much did you think about it? Did you realize that maybe it was apparently good for me; it wasn't good for everyone else? We're all scattered now. Ghastly barely talks, Fletcher doesn't stay anymore, Tanith just stays in London, China moved with Bliss, and Kenspeckle just got worse. Do you know how many people you hurt in the process?"

"It's all better if I-"

"If you what? We had just gotten you back. We had just saved you! And you felt it was time to leave?" Valkyrie's shadows flew around her slowly, waiting to do something.

"Valkyrie, I'm not scared of you. You wouldn't hurt me." Skulduggery reached out to touch her.

"Wanna bet?" Valkyrie smirked and let her shadows fly at Skulduggery. They wrapped around his arms tightly, making him stumble back from no balance. She flexed her hand with the ring on it, tightening and un-tightening the shadows. Skulduggery wriggled his hand around, getting enough room to throw a fireball at Valkyrie. Another set of shadows came out and created a wall from the fire. It dissolved into nothingness the second it hit the shadows.

"I see you're using the ring," Skulduggery pointed out. Valkyrie glared at him and released him. He strode up to her, still not touching her. "What happened to the Valkyrie Cain I used to know?"

She sighed and looked down, twirling her hand in her fingers. "She left when you left. I'm not the same old Valkyrie Cain anymore." They both looked over at the mass of blackness gathering beside Valkyrie. Within a few seconds, Solomon Wreath appeared again.

"Oh," he simply said at the sight of Skulduggery. "Thought you left for good."

"I thought I'd drop by." Skulduggery shrugged. "Thought I could pay a visit to everyone, see my old partner, that stuff." Wreath nodded, tossing his cane in the air, catching it as the shadows began to engulf him.

"Warehouse." Valkyrie nodded in acknowledgment at the meeting place. Wreath nodded silently back to both, then let his shadows consume him altogether. Valkyrie stepped back and summoned a fireball in her hand.

"You're still an elemental?" Skulduggery asked her. He was amazed.

"On the side," she said. "Only because it's like riding a bike to me. I can't forget." Skulduggery nodded in agreement, summoning his own fireball.

"I hope we see each other again," he said. Valkyrie scoffed and slightly shook her head.

"Maybe in a few hundred years." Valkyrie stepped back, waving her hand beside her, letting the shadows rise from her feet, crawl up her legs, waist, torso, arms, until they suddenly stopped. "See ya Skulduggery Pleasant."

She let the shadows descend upon the rest of her body. She disappeared in an instant.

And Valkyrie Cain never saw Skulduggery Pleasant again.

* * *

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about a review someone left on the one where I killed Valkyrie and they said it was slightly clichéd. Is this one chock full of clichés as well? Just curious.

I'm sorry for any mistakes…and for making this sorta depressing.

:D


	23. Together as a Family

I'd like to give an unnecessarily large shout out to my readers/reviewers! I'm so excited that this SOMEHOW got to 100 reviews. I'm really happy you guys all enjoy these (even the depressing ones). So, thank you so, so, so, so, so much for being so nice and supportive and all that jazz. I reeeeally appreciate it. And another shout-out to Falnet, who lovingly pointed out that she in fact, became the 100th reviewer for this. And for that, I love her even more. Course, I love you all the same. So…uhh…here ya go! Granted, this may not be my best work, but I like the idea, so THERE. I might do more like this…you'll see.

Aaaand Skulduggery's wife may or may not be named after my best friend…

* * *

"Tell me," Valkyrie said to Skulduggery. She cradled their newborn child in her arms. "What were your wife and child like?"

"You mean before they died?"

"Duh."

"Why do you want to know?" Skulduggery rested his head on her head, staring into the sunset. He pulled her closer and brushed some of his daughter's hair out of her one brown eye. She yawned and looked up at him with her brown and green eyes. She was unique, just like her parents.

"I'm just curious. I just want to know who they were."

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery sighed. "You know I love you, right?"

"Well of course. Or else we wouldn't be sitting here on the roof much against Kenspeckle's wishes with our newborn child. Nor would we be married. I just actually want to know about them."

Skulduggery smiled. "What do you want to know then?"

"Well," Valkyrie paused to shift her kid around. "What were they like; were they pretty; what were they're names?"

Skulduggery tilted his head back, recalling the memories of their faces. "I had thought that Victoria was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, making you and China give a run for your money. She was sweet and had features just the same. She had these big blue eyes that couldn't even threaten a fly when she glared." Valkyrie laughed. Two completely different people he had married. "And she had light brown hair that had these soft waves that went down to her shoulders. I remember it smelled like apple pie."

"Apple pie?" Valkyrie questioned.

Skulduggery shrugged. "I don't know either. I'm guessing it was some special magic she refused to tell me about. Or just her shampoo." He smiled at the memory, and then quickly turned back to Valkyrie. "And my daughter, Lucy, had dark brown hair and my green eyes. She had these chubby cheeks and she ran everywhere. She would say that life was too short to just walk. I can't help but laugh at that now. It's horrible that I do laugh, but I can't really help it. How right was my five-year-old daughter?"

"That actually is horrible."

"But true," Skulduggery added, letting his finger get pulled into his child's mouth.

"What was your favorite thing about each of them?"

"Victoria always, _always_ freaked out when I would come home, even if I was perfectly fine, she would insist that I go see someone. She nagged me all the time about all the wounds I would receive."

Valkyrie stared at him.

"What?"

"You liked it when your wife nagged you? In what universe does that make sense? You said you want to punch yourself when I nag you." Valkyrie smirked up at Skulduggery.

"Well she was different. It was a good kind of nagging." He paused and looked at Valkyrie. "It makes sense in my mind!"

"Right. Sure. What was Lucy like?"

"She was sort of like you. She talked a lot and argued in her cute little baby voice. And of course she was absolutely gorgeous. She would have been quite the heart breaker if she had lived…" Skulduggery trailed off, remembering his beautiful little girl. His head quickly snapped over to his daughter and Valkyrie.

"Hey Skulduggery?" Valkyrie asked quietly. She shifted her child in her arms so to turn and face Skulduggery. "What should we name her?"

"I don't rightly know. I didn't even pick out Lucy's name!"

"Where did you get Lucy from then?"

"Victoria's mother." Skulduggery smiled down at Valkyrie. She rubbed her baby's head softly, urging her back to sleep.

"How about we name her Victoria?"

"Oh Val-"

"Or Lucy!"

"Valkyrie." Skulduggery put out a hand to stop her. "I wouldn't want to do that."

"Do what?"

"Well, it's a marvelous and nice gesture to want to name our child after my first family, but I wouldn't want to combine the families. It's like these are two parts of my life. Like two separate books. It's weird to keep the same characters and not introduce new ones."

"Yeah, but what about the main characters?"

"Not the point," Skulduggery said. "Point is that I wouldn't want to consider my daughter to be someone that I've already lost. I don't think Victoria would like it either."

"Why do you say that?"

Skulduggery smiled and hugged Valkyrie closer. "I think I can hear her sometimes. That sounds kind of creepy, but I seriously think she was really angry with me for not proposing to you that one night like I had planned. She was even angrier when I wouldn't tell you I loved you. Lucy was probably annoyed too. So there."

"Oh that's not creepy at all dear," whispered Valkyrie, clutching her baby closer. She stirred and yawned, opening her big multi-colored eyes. She looked between Valkyrie and Skulduggery, and smiled slightly. She squirmed around in the blanket she was wound up in, lolling her head around.

"Hey, relax kid!" Skulduggery laughed and took the baby from Valkyrie's arms. "See? Victoria's pissed now."

Valkyrie giggled. "Sorry Victoria! We'll pick another name!" she called out to the world. Skulduggery stroked his daughter's cheeks softly, chuckling as she continued to flail around more. He wrapped her in her blanket tighter, cradling him to his hard ribcage.

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

"How about…how about Abigail?" Valkyrie leaned in closer to her smiling baby. "Abigail Pleasant."

"I like that. Abigail…it's pretty," Skulduggery lifted his daughter up higher, kissing her forehead.

"Hey you two!" they heard Kenspeckle call out from the window they had climbed out of. "What did I say about the roof and the kid? Get down before someone attacks you again!" Valkyrie laughed. She stood up and stretched her legs and jumped down the side of the building. She displaced the air, ducking into the small window. Skulduggery followed her in shortly, and had Kenspeckle promptly took the child from his arms. He placed her in the makeshift crib everyone had helped assemble.

"Did you two pick a name?" he asked doubtfully.

"Abigail."

"Abigail Pleasant." Skulduggery hugged Valkyrie to him, stroking her hair. They watched Abigail squirm around in her crib, kicking the blanket around. Valkyrie walked up to her, and took her tiny hands in hers.

"Kid, I hope you know that you're going to have a crazy life." Abigail stopped her flailing to look at her mother directly. She smiled and kicked her legs around. Skulduggery walked up to Valkyrie wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Let's just hope she's okay with that," Skulduggery said. Valkyrie smiled and stroked his hand softly, feeling each little bone that made him up. He kissed her on the cheek and reached down to pat Abigail's head. Her tiny hands grabbed onto Skulduggery's long bony finger and placed them in her mouth. Abigail giggled and chucked Skulduggery's hand away from her with her tiny amount of strength. Both laughed their daughter, not wanting to ruin the quiet peace that had settled upon them.

Them together. As a family.

* * *

Uhh...that's one of the WORST endings I have ever come up with. But I've been here, staring at this document for about 10 minutes. After a few minutes, I get bored and went to crap around on facebook and talk to my friend about how retarded her Vacation Bible Camp was. Aren't I _exciting_?

Oh, and, in my mind, this doctor guy made this potion/pill thing that allows Skulduggery to get his...uhh...skin and stuff back...(and his manhood!) so that's how they randomly have a baby.

Alright, so guys, I just feel kinda depressed right now for some unexplained reason. I don't really know what's causing it. So, I think the next few drabbles might be a bit depressing. Unless I think of a really great idea, it'll probably be depressing. Like…they all fight and stuff. And I might take a break from this all. Like…writing and stuff. I'm a little crapped out right now. This goes for all stories. Like…I know what I wanna do for Returnings, but I just can't get it out onto word/paper. So yeah. Thanks guys! I really do appreciate all the really nice reviews! Really I do. They make me so warm and fuzzy inside.

And since there's no other place to put this little message, **Kishitan-Girl**, I would PM you back, but first you gotta enable the PM feature thing. I can't send ya messages DDD:

And lastly, sorry for any mistakes guys!


	24. She's Married to a Skeleton!

**This was suggested by Mariella Bleud. I didn't really acknowledge your idea…but I did in my head. Though you already did your own version in your own story…here's this…**

**Let's see. Valkyrie = 32 (but looks 26-ish) Abigail = 3, going on 4. Skulduggery…is whatever. And that same **_**magical**_** rule applies where he takes the silly little potion thing and makes him human and stuff. But, it only works for 17 hours at a time. Just wanted to clear that up. **

**And guys, I'm gonna be going away to the other set of grandparents for about four days. I think. From Saturday to Tuesday…so yeah. There is no Internet there. None. Whatsoever. So, I ain't gonna be around to update or review or anything. But hopefully, when I get back, I'll actually have some inspiration again. I don't really feel all that motivated to write. Maybe it's because right now, I have a headache. And plus I'm super tired from the whining preschoolers from Vacation Bible School. Okay, that's enough!**

**Hope ya likes! :D

* * *

**

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Abigail Pleasant screamed throughout Gordon's giant mansion, in a desperate search for her mother, Valkyrie Cain.

"What? What? What?" she responded. Valkyrie stepped out of the study and caught her daughter in her arms. "What's so urgent, kid?"

"Daddy says that you have to get downstairs super fast cause it's really important. Oh, and Grandma and Grandpa are here!" Abby smiled a toothy grin. Valkyrie chuckled and began downstairs.

"Heeeeello?" she called out. "Mom? Dad? Sk-_Jack_?"

"Valkyrie," she heard Skulduggery respond, "it's no use."

"Wha?" Valkyrie wandered into the entry way, where her parents were. And Skulduggery. Her husband. Who was still a skeleton. And he did _not_ have his disguise on. Her eyes went wide with shock as she stared between her parents and Skulduggery. Valkyrie quickly handed Abby over to her still shell-shocked parents and pulled Skulduggery out of the room and into a bathroom.

"I told you they were going to be here!"

"You did not!" Skulduggery defended himself.

"I did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery commanded, "this is pointless. We're going to have to do something about this. Whether we knock your parents out-"

"That's horrible!" Valkyrie said, taken aback. "I would never do that!"

"-Or we could tell them then." Skulduggery crossed his arms. "Your choice." Valkyrie groaned and rested her head on the wall.

"Fine!" She groaned again and opened the door. They both walked to the entry way, and the Edgley's were gone. "Mom? Dad?"

"We're in h-here…" her father trailed off. Abigail came running out of the kitchen, carrying a half eaten apple. She pointed to the living room, where the Edgley's were. Skulduggery ruffled her black hair with his gloved hand and followed Valkyrie where her parents were. They were sitting on the couch, with Valkyrie standing before them.

"So uhh…" she started. She looked over at Skulduggery. He shrugged. "I guess…we owe you an explanation…"

"If you wouldn't mind…Stephanie," her mother whispered. Her gaze shifted from her daughter to Skulduggery. He fidgeted around, uncomfortable under their gaze.

"Hey," Valkyrie grabbed his arm, "go get Abby and tell her to get Gordon down here. And get a little potion-pill thing." Skulduggery gave a mock salute and grabbed Abby and went upstairs to the study.

"Ok, so," Valkyrie sat down on the table opposite her parents. "Uhh…What do you want to know?"

Her father suddenly jumped up. "**Why is he a skeleton? Has he been like that and we just never noticed?**" he burst out. Melissa calmed him down.

Valkyrie scratched her arm uncomfortably. "Well…yes. You know that 'skin condition' he had?" Her parents nodded. "Yeah. That was fake."

"Well then…_how_?" Melissa Edgley asked.

"_Magic_," Valkyrie wiggled her fingers and smiled. Her parents blankly stared. "No really." She clicked her fingers and let the fireball build up in her hand. Her parents gasped, but stayed still.

"So…" her dad started. "Those stories Grandpa told were…?"

"True. Absolutely, 100% true." Valkyrie beamed. "We…mages can control fire, air," she paused to send a soft breeze of air at her parents, "water," she wet her parents hair, but quickly dried it, "and earth."

"What does earth do?"

"It turns you to stone. And you could be stuck in a statue for years and years. So it's only used in self-defense. I'll get Ghastly to tell you about it sometime."

Her mother and father stared blankly again. "Who's Ghastly? And why are you called Valkyrie?"

"Valkyrie Cain is my taken name. A taken name protects you from being used or controlled by others. See, if someone knew your given name, that'd be Stephanie Edgley for me, then they could tell you to go kill someone, like a queen or something, and you'd have to. Or you kill yourselves. So you can imagine, it'd be pretty bad." She smiled again. "And Ghastly…well…you know all our weird friends who hang around all the time?"

"Yes," her dad recalled. "Tracy…Gary…Fritz, right?"

Valkyrie giggled. "Those are all silly made up names we gave our weird friends. Tracy is actually Tanith Low, Gary is actually Ghastly Bespoke, and Fritz is actually Fletcher Renn. In case you're wondering, we just told you to call them that, so they had no say in their names. Fletcher hates us now." Her parents stared. "A little much to take in at one time, right?"

"Riiight…" her mother muttered. "When did you first discover this magical world? Just a few years ago?"

"…Don't yell at me…" Valkyrie played with her fingers. "I was 12. Right after Gordon had died…Don't be mad I didn't tell you. You realize _why_ I didn't tell you, right? It would have screwed everything up and it would just be weird."

"I guess…" her dad said. Valkyrie breathed a sigh of relief. Just then, Abby came charging in the room, closely followed by Skulduggery, carrying the Echo Stone box.

"I got Gordon. He's mad at me, even though you didn't tell me your parents were coming over," he said. Valkyrie slapped his arm and took the box.

"I told you! You just never listen!" Valkyrie insisted.

Skulduggery snorted. "Pfft. Right. At least I know now to go running head first into immediate danger!" Valkyrie mocked him. "Why did I let you follow me again?" Valkyrie beamed up at her husband. They both looked over at Melissa and Desmond, who were white as a sheet.

"Mom? Dad? You look like you just saw a ghost," Valkyrie observed. They nodded shakily and pointed beyond the two. There was Gordon Edgley, in all his Echo Stone glory.

"I told you to wait!" Skulduggery growled.

Gordon chuckled and shook his head. "Well once I heard my dear brother and his wife were here, I could barely contain myself!"

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "Mom. Dad. Meet Echo-Gordon." Her parents were still frozen. "Heeeeello?"

"G-G-G-G-Gordon?" her mother stammered.

"Yeah. Sort of. Actually, I'm just Gordon's mind. He's still dead. I'm like a back up. Your daughter has mocked me _mercilessly _about that. But anyway, Gordon Edgley's body is still getting eaten by worms. I'm happy as a clown with my niece, her daughter, and the skeleton who follows them around!" He waved his wispy arms in the air, trying to dodge the gush of air Skulduggery pushed at him. Valkyrie laughed at him as he slowly formed his pale blue form. "You suck and I don't know _why_ Valkyrie married you."

"It's because she _loves_ me, Gordon." Skulduggery sat down next to Valkyrie, hugging her close to him. Gordon huffed and stepped up closer and grinned. Desmond waved slightly, sitting back farther on the couch.

Gordon pouted. "I don't bite! I can't touch anything! I'm just transparent. Can't even pick up my own…niece's…daughter," he finished lamely.

"What about Abigail?" Melissa asked, completely ignoring Gordon. "Have you brought her into this world yet?" Valkyrie kept a blank face and gestured to the skeleton next her. "Oh."

"She's even doing a bit of magic," Skulduggery said. He picked up his daughter and sat her on his knee. He whispered something in her ear, and held her arm out from her. She snapped her fingers quietly, and quickly beamed at the small flame in her hand.

"It worked!" she yelled, clutching her fist. "Mommy! I did it!" Valkyrie giggled and grabbed her daughter. She hugged her close.

"Just don't tell Kenspeckle. Or Wreath."

"_Especially_ not Wreath…" Skulduggery growled darkly.

"Who's Wreath?" Desmond asked.

"Wreath was my mentor for a while…" Valkyrie explained. "Skulduggery kinda…disappeared. It's a really long story, and best not told to you guys. Anyway, Wreath taught me necromancy." Valkyrie pulled her sleeve down reveal a black bangle on her right wrist. She flicked her wrist and streams of dark black shadows flew out, grasping the Echo Stone box and pulled it toward her. She flicked her wrist again and the shadows disappeared.

"Necromancers…" Skulduggery muttered, crossing his arms. "Hate them."

Melissa stared. "May I ask why?"

Um. Well. We told you how I had a wife and daughter, right?"

"Yes, you said they were killed in a car accident."

"Yeah. They weren't. A necromancer killed them…and then killed me. You can imagine my hatred for them, right?" Melissa nodded.

"He won't admit it, but he actually hates me!" Valkyrie piped in.

"True," Gordon muttered from behind them.

Yep!" Abby giggled out.

"Well I do hate you, Val," he murmured in her ear. "Pill thing?"

"Oh yeah! Go!" Skulduggery got up and headed to the kitchen.

"So," Desmond began, "who's Kenspeckle?"

Valkyrie smiled and clapped her hands. "Kenspeckle, his full name is Kenspeckle Grouse, is like the family doctor. Since we're all magical, we've got special meds to heal us up really fast. Like…you break a rib and about an hour later you're good as new, despite the slight soreness. He's also got stuff to heal bruises, cuts, concussions, and almost everything else. Except death. We can't cheat that yet."

Melissa pointed to the kitchen weakly. "Well then, how did Sk-Skulduggery get like that."

"Um." Valkyrie sighed and clutched Abby closer. "Not quite sure. Even he's not sure, so it's not like I'm a bad wife or anything."

"I think you are," Skulduggery said, coming back into the room, fully skinned. He smiled and brushed away the long black hair in his eyes. Melissa and Desmond had large frowns on.

"I give up! How did you do that?" Desmond asked, completely exasperated.

"Iss magic!" Abby said, launching herself onto Skulduggery's lap. She climbed up onto his shoulders and buried her face in his hair. "You hair smells funny!"

"Well, gee thanks, kid." Skulduggery reached up and tickled her. She jumped off and ran throughout the house. Skulduggery followed her. Desmond followed Gordon upstairs, talking, seeming like one of them wasn't dead. Only Valkyrie and Melissa were left.

"Steph?" asked her mother. "Steph?" she asked again, when Valkyrie didn't respond. "…Valkyrie?"

"What?" Her head shot to look at her mother. "Oh sorry. Not a lot of people call me Stephanie anymore. Only when they're mad at me. Yes?"

"Are you happy?"

"What?" Valkyrie looked her mother straight on. "Of course I am. What would make you think I'm not?"

"You seem happy, but I just wanted to ask." Melissa smiled at her. "So, you're weird friends? What do they do?"

"Well, they-" Valkyrie was cut off by Abby's shrill scream. She tottered into the room, holding her father's hand. She crawled up onto the couch next to her grandma and held her hand.

"What did you do to her?" Valkyrie asked.

Skulduggery shrugged. "She screamed at the prospect of having Fletcher baby-sit her."

"Sounds just like our daughter." Valkyrie kissed Skulduggery on his soft lips and linked arms with him. She grinned and faced her mother.

"Oh, very touching, Valkyrie," Gordon muttered, trailing behind Desmond. She stuck her tongue out and waved her hand in his face, distorting the image. He waved his hand dismissively, and slowly disappeared into the Echo Stone again. There was an awkward silence that passed, until Abby broke it by giggling.

"What's so funny, kid?" Valkyrie asked. Abby shrugged and ran off. "I don't know what her problem is."

"Must be the _you_ she gets it from," Skulduggery teased. Valkyrie rolled her eyes and punched him hard in the arm.

"Ow! Valkyrie," he whined, rubbing his arm. "What did I do to deserve your unconditional love, darling?"

"I don't know, love," Valkyrie faked the sweetness in her voice.

"How did you become like that?" Desmond asked. "You're crazy, Steph."

"Thanks. I got it from him. We're basically twins."

"Except that'd be weird since we're married and have a kid."

"You get the idea!"

"Well." Desmond started heading for the door. "We'd stay longer, but I think we're both a bit shaken up over this whole thing."

"Perfectly understandable. I fainted when I saw he was a skeleton!" Valkyrie smiled big.

"We'll drop by sometime later," Melissa promised, hugging her daughter, and surprisingly, hugging Skulduggery. Desmond shook hands with him and hugged his daughter, then stepped out of the door and headed for the car. Both of them stopped midway to the car, and searched their pockets. Melissa came up with some keys, and handed them to Desmond. He smiled and kissed Melissa.

"I hope we're like that later," Skulduggery crooned. Valkyrie looked up at him questioningly. "I mean all in love and stuff."

"Oh, I think we're covered for that." Valkyrie smiled and kissed Skulduggery. He kissed her back, and hugged her tightly. Just then, he felt a tugging at his pant leg. He looked down and saw Abigail.

"Yes, child?"

"Wook!" She held out her hand and clicked her fingers, and a small flame appeared. Skulduggery picked her up and placed her in between him and Valkyrie.

"Aren't we sweet?" Valkyrie mused. "We're one big magical family."

* * *

I must have 'Shitty Ending Syndrome' or something. I can add that to the list of retarded diseases I have. Like 'Fandom ADD'! Awesome!

Anways, hope you enjoyed this and sorry for any mistakes! I'm sorry it kinda sucks...a lot. I just really wanted to get this up tonight, and I've been reeeeally trying hard to think of an ending, so yeah. I wrote this all today and now I'm really tired. Bye ya guys!

:DD


	25. Jealous Much?

This was suggested by **SkulduggeryGirl109**…like a trillion years ago. I did have the words "jealous much" written at the top of this word document. Then I reading this REALLY cute drabble about these two people from this other book I'm reading and the guy was jealous and it was really cute. So then this came up.

And I'm glad I'm back! Dunno if I got all my inspiration back…but I came up with another idea that I'll get working on later :D Love ya!

* * *

**Skulduggery's POV**

Alright. Yes. I'll admit.

Her shorts were quite short and they were riding up. It didn't really help that she was sitting in the supposed comfortable way. And it _really_ didn't help that I could see some rather…_horny_ looking boy staring at her like a piece of meat.

I swear if that drool on his face…Damn. He's going over there. Why hasn't China separated the library into the sexes like I asked? I asked nicely at that.

_Tanith!_

Stay there! Do NOT leave that girl alone. If you do I swear on my life – Dammit Tanith! Why would you leave poor, defenseless, twenty-five year old Valkyrie _alone_? She's a necromancer for God's sake!

"Hey," she said, sitting down next to me, "you look like you might burst there. Something on your mind?"

"Of course not, Tanith," I muttered.

"Oh," she said, her eyes followed my gaze. How she figured out where I was looking at, I'm not quite sure. "She's old enough, Skulduggery. You got to let go and stop being such an over-protective older brother!"

"I am _not_ being an over-protecting older brother! I'm just worried about her is all…"

Tanith snorted. "Yeah, alright," she murmured. I huffed and took back to staring at Valkyrie and the boy.

Fine. He wasn't a _boy_, per se, but he was still young. Probably around twenty-five. Way too young for Valkyrie. He reminded me of Fletcher…Which wasn't really a compliment. He had floppy blond hair and eyes that contrasted completely. They weren't even a dark brown, but completely black.

"Hey." Tanith brought me back to earth. "You're going to creep out the kids if you keep staring!"

"Well, Tanith, who in the world has _black_ eyes? That's just stupid."

"Says the living skeleton. Very nice."

"You know what I mean!"

"Maybe people with black eyes are automatically nice or something. You never know."

"But people's opinions of nice differ," I explained. "You may think whoever that is, is fine. I, however, may not."

"I bet you'd love him if you knew him," Tanith said.

"Doubt it. Anyone who looks at Valkyrie like that is instantly an enemy."

"That's horrible."

"That's true." Tanith rolled her eyes and looked over at the two. She looked up at the sound of China's heels clicking gracefully on the wooden floorboards.

"Good afternoon, Valkyrie. Good afternoon, Deviant," she greeted the two across the room then turned towards us. "Good day."

"What's Deviant?" I asked.

"I'm sorry?" China fixed some hair and sat down in the chair next to me.

"You said 'Deviant.' Who's Deviant?" I asked again.

"Oh. The man over by Valkyrie. He comes in a lot to read about the different things here. Quite nice. It doesn't surprise me that he and Valkyrie might get along," she explained. "He's a necromancer as well. He may have been with Solomon Wreath, but I could be mistaken."

"Necromancers…" I growled, clenching my fists. China laughed delicately. "What?"

"You should see yourself, Skulduggery." She laughed again. "It's quite entertaining to watch you fume over Valkyrie and Deviant."

"I am not fuming."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

"I keep telling him to let it go," Tanith said, "but he doesn't listen."

"Men!" China rolled her eyes and stood up again. She strolled over to _Deviant_ and cleared her throat. They both looked up and smiled. China handed him a pendant and nodded her head a few times. He nodded as well, and turned to face Valkyrie again. He handed her phone back to her, and vice versa. He gave a wave and was swallowed up in shadows. Valkyrie looked at China and smiled widely.

Dammit.

"Skulduggery," Tanith whispered, "I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner."

"What are you talking about?" I whispered back.

Tanith shook her head and chuckled. "You are so jealous."

"I am _not_ jealous!"

"I disagree."

"Well you're wrong. I'm not jealous," I said.

"Yeah, I'll believe that when China gets ugly," Tanith muttered under her breath. I folded my arms and crossed my legs and turned away from her. "I mean," she continued, "it's totally obvious. You not wanting Valkyrie to get a guy…you freaking out when she does…teasing her non-stop-"

"Oh please," I huffed, "we're not in second grade. Nobody teases the person they like! That's preposterous."

Tanith laughed and patted my shoulder. "All in good time, Skul. All in good time." She got up and walked over to Valkyrie, and they both began giggling. Valkyrie's face fell when Tanith told her something, but then perked back up. She nodded vigorously and stood up, adjusting her short shorts.

Dammit!

Why is she so pretty? And why must she such a good fighter? Is it _really necessary _to wear small clothes and attack things? Or to stand there…taking instructions from Wreath…doing all those jumps to avoid his attacks.

Dammit again!

"Think he died?" I heard someone ask. Another person giggled and hit my skull.

"Ow!" I yelped. Valkyrie laughed and plopped down next to me.

"A penny for your thoughts." She smiled at me. I looked up and China and Tanith had disappeared.

Oh hell.

"Hello?" Valkyrie waved her hand in my face.

"What?"

"Having fun inner-monologue-ing?" she asked.

I nodded. "Oh you know. Thinking over how amazing I am." She hit me on the arm. "So who was the guy?"

She tried to hide a slight blush. "Deviant Script. He's a really nice guy. He's a necromancer, so he said he could help me with training and stuff." She paused to play with her shorts. "Do you mind?"

I was shocked. "Of course not. It's not like I can help you with your training or anything. I don't mind at all." Valkyrie smiled and stood up, in search of Tanith.

Maybe I was jealous. Maybe I was being a horrible person for thinking all this. But at least she was happy. And as clichéd as it may be, I was happy she was happy.

* * *

ALRIGHT. DONE. This didn't take me long, but I just kept writing and I just wanted to end it.

I imagine Skulduggery to have sort of jumbled thoughts. Or that's how he would inner monologue. Something like that.

So, I hope you enjoyed this and I'm sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	26. Mother Daughter Bonding

"Mom?" Abigail Pleasant whispered. She stepped into the dark kitchen and flicked on a few lights. Sure enough, her mother, Valkyrie Cain, was sitting on the counters and was spooning ice cream straight from the carton.

"Hey," she said, "what are you doing up so late?"

"Can't sleep," Abby replied.

"Nightmares?" Abby gave a small nod. "Anything absolutely terrible?" Abby shook her head. Her mother grinned slightly and got out two bowls. "Want some?"

"But it's two in the morning," Abby muttered.

"Do you think that's going to stop me?" Valkyrie asked, grinning wickedly. She spooned some into a bowl and handed it to her daughter. She got her own bowl and sat down at the table, Abigail across from her.

"So," Valkyrie said, "anything you want to talk about?"

"Nothing comes to mind right now," Abby replied.

Valkyrie chuckled slightly. "What about that piece of paper I found?"

"What paper?"

"Oh you know," she teased, playing with the spoon, "that paper with that phone number and the word 'peach' in big capital letters."

Abby blushed. "He's just a friend."

"_He_?"

"Michael Peach," Abby whispered.

Her mother's mouth fell open. "My daughter has a boyfriend! My daughter has a boyfriend!"

"_Mom_!" Abigail snapped. Her mother immediately went quiet. "He's not my boyfriend. We're just really great friends. I've known him for a while and he's really nice and cute and funny and…"

"Yeah," Valkyrie teased, "how do you think your father and I fell in love?"

"Over pointless years of playfully flirting and blushing at the site of each other," Abby responded. Valkyrie scoffed. "That's what everyone else says!"

"Who's everyone else?"

"Tanith, Grandpa Kenspeckle, Fletcher, China, etc."

"Well they're…"

"Mom," Abby said matter-of-factly, "they're right."

"Just by a smidge. The other part was that I grew up with him. So there." She paused to eat some ice cream. "So, what does this Michael Peach look like? A peach?"

"No." Abby rolled her eyes. "He's got pretty blue eyes and crazy red hair and he's really cute and he plays all these sports so he's not all scrawny and…"

"Go on," Valkyrie urged, "I want to know more about the object of my daughter's affection."

"Mo-om!" Abby whined, blasting her with the air. "You're embarrassing."

"Well I find it _cute_!" Valkyrie protested. "I want to meet him sometime! When he becomes your boyfriend that is."

"Mom! He's not my boyfriend!"

"Not _yet_!" Abigail rolled her eyes and kicked her mother's leg. They lapsed into silence, eating their ice cream quickly. "Hey mom," Abigail said after a few minutes, "would you object to me having a boyfriend?"

"Unless he's a jerk!" Valkyrie replied happily. "Other than that I don't object. But you'll need to be _careful_ if you know what I mean…"

"Oh please Mom!"

"You don't want to imagine the stuff your dad and I got into before he got those little pill-y things." Valkyrie beamed.

"I think I'm going to go throw up now," Abby muttered.

"But kid," Valkyrie said, serious this time, "we all have to be careful too. About the whole 'we-have-magical-powers' and 'my-dad-is-a-skeleton' thing. Right?"

"Yes sir!"

"Good! Now eat your ice cream!"

They sat around for the good part of the rest of the night and giggled and talked, like any normal mother and daughter would do.

* * *

Um. Here's this. I know it's complete crap, but everything I write right now sucks. I have basically lost all inspiration…so I'm not really motivated at all. I'm gonna try and get a chapter of Returnings up in a few days (and hopefully a few days will not turn into a few weeks). I kinda hate it when people upload a story and then NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN. That just ticks me off. And plus I'm not feeling 100% right now. I was a bit depressed for a while (and it was for a really retarded reason) and my head hurts a lot now. And I just fell horrible cause summer's almost over and I haven't done a single damn thing and I miss my friends and WHINE. Alright, ya'll aren't my therapists, so I'll stop listing my emotional teenager problems to you guys.

And Michael Peach is totally awesome. He'll pop up everyone once in a while because I just like the name I gave him. And Abigail totally calls Kenspeckle 'Grandpa'. She just does.

So, anyways, I hope you enjoy this (even though it's God-awful). And if you have any ideas, go ahead and throw em out! I'd love to hear them you guys!

And as always, sorry for any mistakes! :D/D:


	27. Congrats! It's a Parasite!

**I realize this is a lot like kaletra7's ****Problems and Solutions**** but I swear I ain't copying! I've had this idea for a while, and only just remembered that I wanted to write it down. So…sorry if anyone thinks I'm copying. **

And you would all be amazed at how wonderful my friends are. I went to the pool with that one friend who did that weird little drabble on here a while back and we just talked for forever! We contemplated all the stuff at book 4 and started freaking out about Valkyrie supposedly dying (THANKS GHASTLY). But then she said that maybe it was her _reflection _and I felt so much better. But I'm still scared. Then I said that maybe Skulduggery dies at some point… and she just freaked out. It was hilarious. But maybe he dies…and gets reunited with his wife and kid? I doubt that would happen (PLEASE DON'T LET IT HAPPEN) but it would be kinda cool.

BUT! POINT IS, I went with her, and just suddenly a ton of inspiration came back. Granted, my writing still isn't that great, but everything I write isn't complete crap. So YAAAAY! And yesterday, I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed, and a whole rush of ideas came to me! I swear to God that my bathroom has magical powers that give me inspiration. But all those new ideas sort of center around this drabble here.

And I'm not depressed! I'm doing pretty good, so thank you LORD!

Aaaaand I kinda realized…these drabbles…are more like oneshots…Hmmm…

Warnings: A split second of…a dirty word…

So, without further ado, I give you _**this:

* * *

**_

Valkyrie groaned softly into her pillow from the noises the multiple doors opening and closing made. She propped herself on her elbows and looked over at the large dresser, where Skulduggery was.

"Hey you," she muttered, still slightly groggy. "Why are you home at two in the morning?"

Skulduggery turned and smiled at her. "Well I actually got home at ten, but you were already asleep. Then Gordon tried talking to me for a million years. Then I came up here. Then apparently I made too much noise. Then you woke up." He smiled. "Sorry about that."

Valkyrie shrugged. "Meh. I've been having trouble sleeping."

"Nightmares?" he asked, crawling into bed next to her. She laid her head on his hard ribcage.

"Nope. I keep waking up to throw up my guts!" she said excitedly.

"Wh-What?"

"I'm…sick," she stammered.

"Sick?"

"_Very_ sick. Very sick indeed."

Skulduggery shifted so he could look at her. "How sick?"

Valkyrie though about her answer for a while. "I have a parasite."

"A parasite?"

"Yes," she said, "and it won't go away for a long time. There's no medicine for it. You just have to let it run its course."

"And how long would its course be?" Skulduggery asked, hugging her tight. She mumbled something unintelligible. "I may be amazing and can detect danger from far away, but I can't hear you when you mumble in my chest."

Valkyrie sighed, exasperated. She took a deep breath and said, "Nine. Months." Her eyes cast downward, staring at everything else in the room _besides_ Skulduggery.

"So," he said after a minute of silence, "you're sick, with a parasite, for nine months?"

"Correct. And it also makes me want to eat crazy things. Like cucumbers and mustard."

"That sounds disgusting."

"But it's amazing!" she pointed out. She smiled slightly, then looked downward at her feet. She felt a bony hand trail up her jaw line and it pulled her jaw up.

"Alright then. You keep throwing up, eating the most disgusting stuff imaginable, and there's a parasite inside of you for nine months."

"Okay fine!" Valkyrie flung the covers off herself and sat up on her knees to stare directly at Skulduggery. "I'm pregnant, okay?!"

"Okay, okay!" He held his hands up in surrender. "You're pregnant!"

"That means bad things."

"What bad things?"

"Well." Valkyrie stood up and paced the room, grasping her stomach. "I don't think I need to explain the whole _baby _thing to you. But this little thing inside of me is going to be a big pain in the ass for just about forever. It's going to be a little me or you running around, creating a mess everywhere, setting things on fire and getting hurt and almost dying all the time and going to fight and getting beat up an-an-and…" She stopped suddenly, and burst into tears and she flopped down on the carpet.

Skulduggery got up slowly from the bed and sat down next to her. He took her hands in his. He shifted so to pull Valkyrie into his lap. "Why are you crying?" he asked in the silence.

"Because," Valkyrie said in between sobs, "I don't want to be pregnant?"

"You don't?"

"Duh!" she yelled/whispered. "I won't be able to do anything. I'll get fat and gross. I'm going to be _unbelievably _cranky half the time because this thing is probably going to kick the crap out of me if he/she/it is anything like he/she/it's parents! And there is no way in hell that a freakin _baby_ is going to come out my freakin vag!"

"Yes but," Skulduggery began, "think about how cute that kid is going to be. And of course, you two will gang up on me and make me do things." He picked her up gently and sat back down on the bed.

"Ha!" Valkyrie snorted and wiped her face. "I don't think you could handle another me around."

"Probably not," he admitted. "So maybe it'll be a boy."

"And maybe it'll be a girl."

"That's also a possibility. Whichever gender they are, they'll still kick ass," he said. Valkyrie laughed slightly, then sniffed again. She tried to keep the tears from falling, but they ran down her cheeks and onto Skulduggery. "What's wrong now?"

"What…What if something happened?" she breathed quietly.

"What would happen?"

"What if some crazy baddie comes after us?"

"Well, since I'd most likely be there when said crazy baddie is there, he wouldn't get within ten feet of you before I knocked him out," he told her.

"Oh, such confidence, huh?"

"Well, someone like me is always confident!" he said. She chuckled and slapped his arm. Valkyrie suddenly jumped down from the bed and remained on the ground for a split second, before she went sprinting for the bathroom. She ran to the toilet and retched. Skulduggery joined her shortly and held her hair behind her ears until she was down vomiting.

When she was finally done upchucking her stomach out, she brushed her teeth and drank as much water without throwing _that_ up.

"There!" Skulduggery said brightly. "You'll do great!"

"Oh yeah," she snarled, "being pregnant will be _great_."

"It will! Think of the mini you or me you'll have later."

"Yeah, but this mini you or me is going to be a big pain in the ass."

"That's a given, Valkyrie." She rolled her eyes and flopped down on the bed, face first into the pillow. She groaned again and got up.

"Where are you going?" Skulduggery asked her uncertainly.

"I'm hungry," she growled. She crept out into the hallway and down the kitchen. Skulduggery followed her a moment later.

_Yes,_ he thought, _this will be _great!

* * *

So…ummm…crappy ending…but what do you think of the rest? This is one of the only things that I've cranked out lately that doesn't make me gag when I go back and read it.

Alright then, tell me what you think (REALLY GUYS. REALLY. PLEASE) and as always, sorry for any mistakes!

Love ya'll! :DD


	28. The Most Extreme Sports Around

* * *

Valkyrie stepped up the line. She cracked her neck with her free hand. She stole a glance back at Tanith, Ghastly (who looked a little bored), and Skulduggery (who was probably already bored out of his skull). Tanith smirked at her. Valkyrie narrowed her eyes at her friend. Tanith shrugged.

Valkyrie turned back and brought her arm back. She released the heavy object in her hand. She leaned forward in anticipation, hoping to hit the target. The object went whizzing down the shining wood and smacked right into the front target. The remaining nine targets went toppling backwards, falling over each other.

"STRIKE!" Valkyrie yelled, pumping a fist in the air. "I told you I could get a strike! Never underestimate a fifteen year old!"

"Yeah. Whatever," Tanith smirked and picked up her bowling ball. "Hope you don't go crying to your skeleton friend over there because I kicked your butt!"

"The games not over left! We still have seven frames left!"

"Girls!" Skulduggery cut them off. "Why must you get so competitive? It's just bowling."

"If it is called a sport," Tanith said, "I must compete as hard as I can. 'Nuff said."

"Agreed, Miss Low," Valkyrie smiled and sat down on the table where Skulduggery was. "Bored yet?" she asked.

"You have no idea," he mumbled through his thick scarf. "Why did you drag me here?"

"Because Kenspeckle said that if you let me ride on Tanith's motorcycle again, he'd kill you," she pointed out. "Don't know why he's freaking out. She's a very safe driver. She's got control."

"NO!" Tanith screamed from the lane. "It did NOT just go into the gutter!"

"Looks like it did!" Ghastly smiled. He clenched his fist again, so Tanith couldn't accuse him of using magic (which he did). He winked at Valkyrie.

"Ghastly I can see you winking," Tanith muttered darkly. She stalked up to him, smacked his head lightly, and then stalked off again to retrieve her ball. She wandered up to the lane, then threw her ball as hard as she could. It flew down the polished wood, hitting eight out of the ten pins. She whooped, then plopped down in the seat by Ghastly.

"Hope you don't go into the gutter, Val! _Ghastly_," she said and nudged Ghastly in the arm.

"I don't know what you're talking about. You must be delirious."

"Only delirious from how _pretty _and _amazing _I am," she argued back. Ghastly nodded slightly, then turned to watch Valkyrie. She chucked the ball hard, then pumped her fist in the air again, as seven pins went down. She grabbed the ball again and knocked down two.

"Do you guys want to play?" she asked. Ghastly shook his head, while Skulduggery remained motionless. "_Hello_?" she waved her hand in front of his face, getting his attention.

"What?" he asked, agitated.

"Want to play?"

"Please Valkyrie," he scoffed, "a man such as myself would never go _bowling_. That's just silly."

"Suit yourself then." Both girls smiled and shoved a bowling ball at him.

"I'm not going to bowl for you guys!" he protested. "You can't make me! I won't allow this!"

"Stop causing a scene," Tanith hissed. "You're worse than a three year old when they don't get their way!"

"I am not a three year old!" he said, his voice lower now. Tanith continued shoving him forward. Valkyrie picked up his right hand and put the correct fingers in the holes.

"You know what to do?" Tanith asked mockingly.

"No Tanith," he said, "I'm now blind so I didn't see you two up there." He shook his head and stepped back slightly. He brought back his arm and chucked the ball lightly. It curved at first, then straightened out to get him a perfect strike.

The girls were in awe.

"And you say you've never been bowling before?!" Valkyrie shrieked. "What was that?"

"I'm just so absolutely amazing I can do anything," he simply said. The ball came circulating back through the little machine, and he chucked it down the lane again. Another perfect strike.

"NO!" Valkyrie yelled. "I refuse to believe this! How can you be so good? This is just stupid."

"But you and Tanith were the ones who had your hearts set on doing this today," he replied. "And you two forced me to bowl. I bowled. Now goodbye."

He went back to his original seat, in the exact position he was in.

Both girls were still standing in awe.

"Well this isn't fun anymore!" Valkyrie declared. "You beat us!"

"I did at that," the skeleton replied smugly.

"Now what?" Tanith asked once they had returned their shoes and were heading back to the Bentley. An evil grin spread across Valkyrie's face.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Extreme ironing!?" Tanith said excitedly.

"Yes! Quick! Let's go!"

Both girls ran ahead of the men, climbing into the Bentley, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"_Extreme ironing_?" Skulduggery asked Ghastly, astounded.

"It really is a sport. They looked it up. I am not kidding." Ghastly smirked. "Valkyrie surprisingly beat Tanith first round, but I beat them both the next time."

"You actually played?"

"You actually bowled?"

"Touché."

"Come on!" Valkyrie shrieked impatiently. "We got to get home! Extreme ironing is a very important sport and should be taken very seriously."

"You said the same thing about Toe Wrestling!"

* * *

No really. Toe Wrestling and Extreme Ironing are actually sports. Granted, they are retarded sports, but sports nonetheless.

Gawds, I love the Internet.

Yeah, so, my mom, sister, and I went bowling and it was totally awesome. We always pick really silly names. I was debating between Skulduggery and Mr. Crepsley (way better vampire than Edward could dream to be). But then my sister said she was going to be Voldemort. I was then Snape. My mom was Cho Chang. It was the best thing ever.

And if any of you have heard of 'A Very Potter Musical' I will bestow a thousand Internets upon you.

ANYWAYS.

Thanks for reading! And sorry for any mistakes!

:DD


	29. Her Date is Weird

Okay, me and **LittleMissSkull** were having a long PM conversation and we were talking about how Skulduggery _would _get jealous of Valkyrie's boyfriend, so then she said she'd want to see it sometime and I was all, "OMG I'M DOING THAT." So, I hereby give all credit to **LittleMissSkull** for this idea.

**And Valkyrie's in her twenties. Whatever age you want.**

**Skulduggery's POV

* * *

**

"If you scare him, I scare you," Valkyrie threatened _me_, the great Skulduggery Pleasant!

I shrugged. "Well fine," I said, "but some people get more scared than others." I smirked. She frowned. "Fine, fine. I'll barely say anything."

"Thank you! Just this one time. Wait a while before you can scare the sweet Jeezums out of him!" I waved my hand dismissively and she went running out of the room to get ready for her _date_.

_Her date. _

**Her**** date**_**. **_

**Her Date.**

Dammit.

Her date was that weird guy she met a while ago. I don't remember his name. Something about books, I know that. He had in fact called her a few days after they had met, a great surprise to Tanith. I don't know _why _it was a surprise, but it was apparently. The kid came over a few times to help train Valkyrie with being a _necromancer_, and she seemed to be doing pretty well. Wreath popped by to talk to them for a long time, probably to argue about her training or something. Not sure.

This was their third official date. They'd have their first a month and a half ago, I think. According to Valkyrie, this was the most amazing guy she'd met. Ever.

I of course, lovingly pointed out that _I _was the most amazing guy she'd met, but she disagreed.

Pfft.

Whatever then.

Oh dammit. I need to stop obsessing over this. It's not all that healthy. But someone like me wouldn't dote on something as trivial as a little _romance _like this, would they?

No.

They wouldn't.

So I will stop.

Or at least attempt to.

"Hey," Valkyrie said (I hadn't even noticed her coming back in the room), "how does this look?"

Um.

She had on some tight, and I mean _tight_ black jeans with a gray tank top on her top half. I don't understand how she could be comfortable in those black and white flat looking shoes, but apparently they were comfortable. Her hair was up in some giant ponytail looking mess, but it still looked nice. It looked very nice.

She looked great.

"You look great," I choked out, "but um…" I just noticed her…_bra straps_ coming out from the top she was wearing. I looked around the room until I decided to shove off my suit jacket. I threw it at her. She stared.

"I can see your…your…those things!" I said desperately.

She looked at her shoulder and laughed. "Alright fine. You want me to wear a jacket?"

"Please?" I begged. She rolled her eyes and threw my coat back at me. I slipped it back on, and waited for her to return from up stairs.

Oh damn.

Knocking.

From the front door.

Which could only mean bad news bears.

I waited a few moments, then walked toward the door. As I got the entry way, Valkyrie came skipping down the stairs. She waltzed right past me and opened the great big door slowly.

The kid stood there, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a single white rose. He had on regular blue jeans, a dark red button down shirt, and a black jacket over that.

Not bad.

His hair was a completely different story.

It looked exactly like Fletcher's. And that is very bad.

"Hey!" Valkyrie smiled and went to hug him. He handed her the rose. "Oh I love it. Thank you!" The kid smiled, brushing his ridiculous hair out of his black eyes. "Um. So, I'll be right back I guess," she said. Valkyrie turned to the stairs, ascending them slightly faster than normal.

"Hi," the kid said brightly. "I'm Deviant Script. I don't think we've met before." He stuck out his hand, and I just stared at it. Eventually, I remembered that I am not a jealous moron like Tanith had said, so I grabbed his hand.

"Sk-"

"Oh I know who you are. I think everyone does. And Valkyrie's told me a lot about you."

"Really? Anything good?" Like my greatness. She probably just complained and complained, because, truthfully, I am a jerk. I have finally come to this understanding. It was not an eas-

"Oh yeah," Script began, "it's all really good. She talks about all the stuff you do. Like how you've saved her life countless times. And your whole big history with Nefarian Serpine. And Baron Vengeous. And then that big Faceless Ones battle. That sounded amazing."

Cue heart attack in 3…2…1…

"Really then?" I managed to choke out. Did Valkyrie actually _admire _me? She did of course, when she was younger. She would hang onto my every word and it was on the borderline of adorable and God-annoying. She gradually grew out of that phase bit by bit after I had been rescued from the Faceless Ones. At first she had stopped her necromancy training with Wreath altogether. But as time went on, her elemental powers shrunk and her necromancy powers grew stronger and stronger. I had been told by Wreath that she had great promise, and that was true. She was pretty good with it.

But what about that conversation before? About her killing me? And all the other threats we shoot off at each other? What's with that? Mood swings?

Most likely. Girls go through those things at the drop of a hat, right?

"Yeah!" Oh. I had forgotten about the kid. "Valkyrie really admires you. She said you're a great teacher and pretty neat. And she told me not to tell anyone this, especially not you, but…"

WHAT DAMMIT WHAT?

"But she prefers elemental over necromancy."

"I must have rubbed off on her I guess," I muttered.

"But then she also told me that you're really over-protective," he said.

"Yes. I've been told."

"Like her friend, Tanith, told her that she talked to you and you said you didn't want us to go out."

"Oh. U-A-Um." Well damn. That sucks. Sorry kid. Nothing personal.

"I can understand though," Script said softly.

"How so?" I questioned.

"Well I've been told by other people all the injuries she's gotten into. She's almost died twice. And I've seen some of those scars around her body. Like that long one on her back-"

"Wait." Oh you're going to hell, kid. "Sorry. But when did you see her bare back?" I glared as best I could, which didn't even faze the kid. I must work harder on this, it seems.

"Oh! Oooh. No. It wasn't like _that_. It was a hot day and she had a bathing suit. I swear, man," he said. "It's not like…"

"Alright. Alright." Geez. This kid was weird. I wasn't going to kill him or anything.

"She said you're like a father."

Cue stroke in 3…2…1…

"Father?"

"Yeah. You helped her, taught her, saved her. You're like Superman to her."

"But Valkyrie hates Superman. She likes Batman the most. Second place is Spiderman."

"Exactly."

"So I need to move up the favorite superhero ladder then?"

"That's what she says."

Why does everything she say confuse the heck out of me, yet still make sense?

"Hey, sorry," Valkyrie said, coming back into the room. "I couldn't find anything to put the rose in, then I needed to get all this stuff. Sorry about that."

"No problem," Script winked. "Ready to get going?" Valkyrie nodded. Script opened the door for her (how _gentlemanly_). He stepped out, Valkyrie following him. She suddenly stopped, turned back to me, and _bloody kissed my cheek_.

"Don't wait up for me, alright?" she whispered. All I could was nod. She smiled – clearly satisfied by my reaction, and shut the door behind her.

I give up.

Are girls supposed to confuse you so much? I just don't understand. No words can describe my confusion.

Well, after hearing her secret admiration for me, does that mean she actually likes me? I find that surprising when she has her _precious _boyfriend.

Okay, that was mean. I apologize, Script.

Ghastly has told me that I'm just as regular as the next guy, just without any skin or anything. That is partially true. But wouldn't it be weird? She's my partner. Wouldn't it be awkward? I've known her since she was just twelve. Like…

Alright.

Enough of that before I become completely perverted – like Fletcher. God knows how bad if would be if there were two Fletchers in the world.

Well, I should stop thinking about this.

My God I need a hobby…

* * *

:3 So yeah. Batman is my fav, Spiderman is second, and Superman is third. I hate Superman. He bugs the heck outta me.

Alrighties, so this is it. I had some fun with this drabble, actually. Um, so, I'm sorry for any mistakes and thanks for reading!

:DD


	30. Laryngitis

OH MY GOD. 153 REVIEWS. SWEET JESUS GUYS. I love you so much right now! Thank you so much for your kind words, being so friggin supportive, and giving me constructive criticism! It means so much to me and I just really am happy that you guys all like this so much. Thank goodness I found this fandom and just splurged and uploaded this! I've met a bunch of really cool (but most are really weird) people and read a lot of really great stories. So again, thank you all so much. I nearly burst into tears when I get a review saying they loved it and didn't think it was bad and just wow. Ya'll are really sweet! THANKS GUYS! :DDDD

So, a special shout out to **flaring **(flaring rhythm? Not sure) for being the 150th reviewer! Whoop! Love ya!! And yay! My 30th upload! :D

So without further ado, I give you this~

* * *

"Valkyrie?" Skulduggery Pleasant called quietly. He shut his partner's bedroom window and strode up to her bed. She was curled up in a ball completely covered by the blankets. He poked where her head should be. "You alright?"

She groaned slightly, but said nothing else.

"What's wrong?" He removed the blankets from her head and helped her sit up. She looked up slightly at the skeleton in front of her, then looked down. "What's wrong?" he repeated. "Sick?"

She nodded.

"Sick with what?" Valkyrie looked up at him and placed a hand on her throat. "Lost your voice?" he asked with sympathy. She nodded, a scowl on her face. She watched Skulduggery flop down on the bed next to her, beside himself with laughter. She rammed her foot into his shin, getting him to at least quiet his laughter down. She reached under the blankets and her hand came back – holding a pad of paper and black sharpie. She scribbled something down quickly, then shoved it into Skulduggery' face.

"'It's not funny!'" he said aloud. Valkyrie nodded and scowled again. She reached over and grabbed the paper back. She wrote in big letters, "It's only temporary!"

"Like laryngitis?" he asked. Valkyrie nodded. "Well how do you feel?"

"Like I've been hit with a bus," she wrote fast. "It's awful."

"Does laryngitis really do that to you?"

"Not sure. Don't ask me."

"Well!" Skulduggery said brightly. "You'll feel absolutely awful if you just keep sitting here in this dark room. You need to eat and drink."

"I'm too lazy," she wrote slowly this time. She underlined the words, getting the point across.

"Fantastic!" Skulduggery grabbed her arm and dragged her out of bed. She staggered down the stairs and into her parent's kitchen.

"So I'm guessing you stayed home from school?" Skulduggery asked while searching through the cabinets looking for something for Valkyrie to eat. She nodded. She watched as he wandered around the kitchen, getting the pot for tea. He poured a cup, then passed the hot beverage over to Valkyrie. She took a tentative sip, testing it.

"It's not poisonous," he mumbled, faking being offended. Valkyrie rolled her eyes and took another sip. She put the cup down and faced Skulduggery.

"Why are you here?" she scribbled down.

He scoffed. "Am I not allowed to visit?"

"I'm fifteen. What would be so interesting about me?"

"I don't know!" he exclaimed, reading the next note. "Batman?" He had finally noticed what she was wearing. Valkyrie had on an oversized black shirt with the bat symbol in the middle, outlined in yellow. On her bottom half she had on a pair of boxer shorts, decorated with blueberries. Valkyrie looked down to study herself. She shrugged.

"So?" she mouthed. She shrugged again and scribbled down, "That's what you get for dropping by unannounced."

"Well I left a message on your phone!"

"My phone isn't turned on because I can't talk! You can't very well read a piece of paper through the phone!"

Skulduggery scoffed. "I bet I could."

"Doubt it," Valkyrie actually said. It was a hoarse whisper, but it was her voice nonetheless. "I bet this is your fault."

"How would it be my fault?"

She grabbed the pad of paper. "Since you talk so damn much it probably just put a wear in my voice."

"Ha ha. Very funny, Valkyrie," he mumbled. She smiled and took a sip of the tea. She tensed up notably when she heard the front door begin to unlock.

"Go! Go!" she whispered. "Someone's home!"

"Where should I go?" Skulduggery asked frantically.

"I don't know! Under my bed!" The skeleton nodded and sprinted out of the kitchen just in time. Melissa Edgley came strolling into the kitchen, carrying a milkshake.

"Hey!" she said brightly. "How you feeling?" Valkyrie shrugged. Her mother stopped bustling around the kitchen and came to look at the pad of paper by Valkyrie.

"Did you have fun writing to yourself?"

Valkyrie tensed. She smiled and nodded. Her mother rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse again.

"Alright," she said, "I have to get back to work. I just wanted to check up on you. You'll be alright, right?" Valkyrie nodded and went to hug her mother.

"Thanks," she croaked out. Melissa smiled and headed for the door, shutting it on her way out. Valkyrie chuckled to herself and grabbed the paper and sharpie and went back upstairs. Skulduggery was in her room, examining everything on her dressed carefully. He turned around, and Valkyrie saw he was holding one of his hats.

"This was behind your dresser," he stated.

Valkyrie shrugged and wrote, "Don't ask me. You're the creeper who comes in here all the time."

He huffed. "I'm not a creeper," he mumbled quietly. "What did your mom have to say?"

"She was just dropping by to see how I was doing."

"See? At least one person cares for your health." Valkyrie scowled and threw the paper at him. The skeleton ducked out of the way. "Ha! You can't get me!" Valkyrie took to throwing her pillow at him. "Well I'll just be going then! Let me know how that laryngitis thing works out!" he said quickly, then jumped from the window.

Valkyrie grumbled to herself, still scowling at the place he had just been standing.

* * *

**A Few Days Later**

Valkyrie tottered up to her window, unlocking it to let Skulduggery in. He stepped in gracefully, hands in his pockets, not saying anything.

"Um. You alright?" Valkyrie asked. Her voice had basically returned, but it was still a bit hoarse. Skulduggery nodded slowly. "You don't seem alright." He shrugged.

"I feel alright," he croaked. Valkyrie could tell he was scowling at her as she was bent over – laughing.

"You lost your voice?" she asked in disbelief. He huffed and nodded.

"It's your fault!" he muttered softly.

"Nope!" she beamed. "It's your fault you came wandering in here when I was sick. Don't blame me."

"Well I can and I am blaming you!"

"You are so selfish."

"I beg to differ."

"Yeah whatever." They both huffed and crossed their arms. Neither moved from their spots. The silence was finally broken when Valkyrie said, "You hear that?"

"No…"

"Exactly. I can finally hear myself think."

"What are you implying, Cain?" Skulduggery asked warily.

"Oh nothing. Just that you talk way too much."

"You're just saying that because you don't want to admit that you _love_ the sound of my voice."

"Ha. No." She smirked and went to her window. "Okay, where are we going today?"

"We need to head to the Sanc-" His voice cracked. Valkyrie burst out laughing then jumped out the window.

"This is so not funny!" he shouted. "Stop laughing at me!"

* * *

I couldn't really think of an ending…XD

I'm taking a break from the Valduggery. I've had this idea for a while, but never really found any inspiration to write it. But I decided I would no matter what. And then this was created.

So I hope you liked this and I'm sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	31. School Projects

A few days ago, I got my first flame. And frankly, I don't really care that much. I'm not sure if it was actually the user or some douche on the Internet who decided to use her name and flame me, but whatever. If they don't like it, fine by me. They may suck it up and carry on with their life. 

**Pssst….Valkyrie is maybe 15….yeah let's go with that….

* * *

**

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie called out to the skeleton sitting on the couch, reading a newspaper. "Could you help me with this?"

Skulduggery folded up the newspaper, and set it down carefully. "What in the world are you doing?"

"My reflection, _surprisingly_, got asked to go out with some random friends. So, I'm here doing this literature project for her…me. Whatever."

Skulduggery nodded, stepping over the poster board.

"Hey!" Valkyrie shouted angrily. "Where do you think you're going?"

Skulduggery raised a finger to argue, but put it back down. "I-I-I have to go feed my cat."

"Oh no you don't! Get back here and help me with this!"

Skulduggery reluctantly came back, sitting next to her. "What's it on?"

"Tom Sawyer."

"I hated that book. Goodbye!" Skulduggery jumped off, but not before Valkyrie lashed out and grabbed his ankle. He went down, flat on his face.

"Help me with this project," Valkyrie threatened as she cut up some pictures, "or I'll get Guild over here to yell at you some more."

Skulduggery grumbled, but came to sit next to her. "What do you want me to do?"

"Glue."

She handed him a bottle of glue, and told him which pictures to glue where. Skulduggery shook the glue, and squirted some into the back of the paper. He did a little doodle in the glue.

"Look Valkyrie!" He pointed at the doodle in the glue. It was a very sloppy depiction of his hat.

"That looks like some misshapen piece of meatloaf," Valkyrie stated.

Skulduggery titled his head unhappily. "That hurt, Valkyrie."

"I'm sure you'll be alright."

"You know," Skulduggery said, "you should be nicer to me. I am your amazing mentor who lovingly taught you magic and someone as amazing and shockingly smart as myself should not be here helping a teenager on her literature project…Were you even listening?"

"What did you say?" Valkyrie muttered, cutting up some paper and tossing it at Skulduggery. "I missed that."

He raised a finger, but put it down. "Nevermind," he sighed.

"Good. Glue." She threw another picture at him.

Finally, after another hour, the poster was finally done.

"Wow," was all Valkyrie said.

"What?"

"I never knew you were so good with art." She shrugged. "Oh well."

"Wait." He put out a foot to stop her. "What are you driving at?"

"I can't drive."

"It's a figure of speech, Valkyrie!" he exclaimed.

"Well no duh!"

He sighed. "Alright then. Goodnight."

"Wa-ait!" she whined. "You have to take me home!"

"Why would I do that? You can walk." He smirked. "Goodbye then." He started out the door, Valkyrie following him. "Why are you still following me?"

"Well," she said, "you just saying that you won't take me home is not going to stop me from getting into that car and forcing you to drive me home."

Skulduggery stood in silence. "Fine," he finally mumbled. Valkyrie smiled triumphantly, then climbed into the passenger seat.

**A Few Days Later**

"Guess what," a smiley Valkyrie Cain said to Skulduggery Pleasant.

"What?"

"Well I was expecting something clever coming from you, but nevermind. I got an A on that project!" she beamed.

"What project?"

"That project about Tom Sawyer that I forced you to work on with me."

"Oh right, right. Well…that's good, I guess," he mumbled, trying to focus on the wet roads.

"It is good. But my reflection told me that my teacher said whoever made that poster should go into decorating. So," she said brightly as they stepped out of the Bentley, "I believe that you should quit your job as a detective and go into interior designing."

He stared at her. "Alright then," he said, "but only when you become a mermaid."

"Fair deal."

* * *

Um yeah. That ending didn't really work out that fantastic. I just wanted them to have some fun banter and stuff.

I hope you enjoyed this and I'm sorry for any mistakes! And if you didn't like it, I don't really give a shit!

And throw me some ideas! I'm running a tad bit low!

:D


	32. Mrs Horst

"Happy to be home, then?" Skulduggery asked as Valkyrie marveled at Gordon's mansion. She was now 20 years old and had just completed her second year at college. Her parents insisted on her going to college for at least two years, since Valkyrie didn't want to go at all. But they both met happily in the middle.

Today was the day Valkyrie got to move into Gordon's old house, more her house now.

"I am very happy indeed," she replied softly. "This is going to be awesome!" She jumped out of the Bentley and bounded up to the door. She unlocked it in one swift movement, then barreled on in. Fletcher was sitting on the stairs, with boxes around him.

"You're welcome," he grumbled.

"Sorry Fletcher, my parents kept me much longer than expected," Valkyrie tried explaining. "I tried to get away, but Carol and Crystal kept bugging me."

"What did you bug you about?"

"You."

"Me?" he asked incredulously.

"They think you're _hot_," she winked.

Fletcher smirked. "Of course. I am the most attractive male you've ever seen."

"Pfft." Valkyrie waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, right."

"Okay!" Skulduggery announced his presence. "As funny as your banter is, let's get unpacking. I despise cardboard boxes." Valkyrie made a face, then set to ripping apart the boxes.

**A Few Days Later**

_Ding-Dong!_

"Who would come ring my doorbell this early in the morning. It's only 11:30 for God's sake!" Valkyrie grumbled as she trudged down the stairs still in her pajamas and her hair a wild mess. The person rang the doorbell again.

Valkyrie muttered darkly but put on a fake smile and opened the door. An old woman was standing there, holding a pie. She was tall and thin, with high cheekbones and sucked in cheeks. Her silver gray hair was pulled back into a long ponytail and her dress was dark gray with a red sash around the waist. She had light green eyes, with a sincere expression written in them.

"Hi there!" she said cheerfully. The woman noticed Valkyrie's attire. "Oh. Did I wake you?"

Valkyrie scratched her head. "Um. Sort of."

"Oh I'm sorry!" the woman exclaimed. "I just figured most of the world is up by at least 10 o'clock. I'm up at six every morning!"

"Wow. Well, most twenty year olds sleep in." Valkyrie tried smoothing out her hair and clothes.

The old lady nodded her head appreciatively. "Oh!" she suddenly yelled. "Well! I just wanted to welcome you. I live in the house a few blocks over. The big blue one. My poor Miles insisted on blue for the house. I don't know why of course. It's not really the most attractive color. I mean I like blue fine but it's just-"

"Okay!" Valkyrie forced a smile. "Well thanks I guess. I've never owned a house, but thanks."

"Didn't that writer own this place?"

Valkyrie was amazed at the sudden change in topic.

"Um. Well my Uncle Gordon wrote those horror stories and such. Gordon Edgley."

"Oh right!" The pie was dangerously close to falling out of the old lady's fragile hands. "Gordon was a nice man. He kept to himself most times, but he came out on walks when he couldn't think of what to write. I rather enjoyed talking with him. He and my poor Miles got along swimmingly. Gordon was quite saddened when my poor Miles passed on. He was a great friend. They often talked about books for hours on end. I remember once when-"

"Um," Valkyrie tried interrupting. "Excuse me, but I do have to get going." She cringed when she saw the Bentley turn the corner and park on the curb. Skulduggery got out with his normal disguise on (thank goodness!) and quickly strode up to Valkyrie. He nodded politely to the old woman and patted his partner's shoulder twice.

"Sorry about him. He's a little delusional." Valkyrie smiled warmly.

The woman stared at the Bentley. "Well…" she finally said. "He's interesting."

"Quite the original, I do say."

The lady laughed a throaty laugh. "Well, then- OH!" she shouted loudly. "I'm sorry! I never caught your name!"

Valkyrie smiled. "Val…Stephanie. Stephanie Edgley." She held out her hand for the old woman to shake.

"Mrs. Horst. It's a pleasure to meet you dear." Mrs. Horst smiled crookedly. She noticed the pie she was carrying and handed it to Valkyrie. "It's apple. I hope you're not allergic," she joked.

"Oh no. Apple pie is just about the best thing in the universe," she smiled.

"Alright then," Mrs. Horst began, "it was great to meet you Stephanie and I hope we'll be great friends. If that mysterious man ever gives you trouble, you just let me know. I may be old, but I sure can pack a punch." She smiled sweetly, then turned on her heel and marched back to her house.

Valkyrie closed the door and carried the pie to the kitchen. Skulduggery and Echo-Gordon was standing around, smirking.

"Mrs. Horst is the craziest neighbor you will ever have," Gordon proudly said. "But she really is nice. And I'm sure she'd be happy to beat Skulduggery up."

"Quiet Gordon," the skeleton muttered – clearly unhappy.

"Though she never shut up," Gordon added quietly.

"Who cares!" Valkyrie exclaimed. "She makes the greatest apple pie ever!" She took a bite from the slice she had picked up with her hand. Skulduggery huffed and pulled out a fork. He held it out impatiently. Valkyrie giggled and took the fork, placed the pie on the counter, and continued to eat.

After a half an hour, the skeleton and his partner headed out of the house. Valkyrie stopped short of the Bentley. She looked across the street, and saw Mrs. Horst and Fletcher. He looked incredibly bored and it seemed he kept trying to get out of there. She smirked and kept on walking to the Bentley.

"Should we save him?" Skulduggery asked mockingly.

Valkyrie shook her head. "No. I think it will do him some good." She chuckled slightly and watched as Fletcher sent them desperate looks. Mrs. Horst followed his gaze and waved goodbye at the two. Valkyrie waved back, and smiled as they drove off, leaving Fletcher.

* * *

S. E. S. I am not kidding here.

Welp, the idea behind this was once upon a time, a girl last year suddenly decided she wanted to write an Indiana Jones fic. It was weird, let's leave it at that. One character had a crazy neighbor named Mrs. Horst. Since I enjoyed the idea, I decided I'd use that girl's idea and take Mrs. Horst.

Mrs. Horst is the best person ever.

And school starts tomorrow, so I won't be around as much. And plus I have piano (not for a few weeks though ((YEEEESS)) ) and then cross-country starts up eventually. Maybe the third week or so. Somewhere around there. I'll try and update as much as I can in the time before X-country starts.

So I'm sorry for any mistakes and I hope you liked it! :DD

(P.S. That girl was me.)


	33. So Unbeliveably Confused

And why do I insist on carrying on with this idea…? It's kinda fun though…

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU PEOPLE HERE. I AM CONFUSED. LIKE SKULDUGGERY.

**This takes about a year after the previous drabble about this particular subject. **

Skulduggery's POV

There are times when I wished I owned a proper sock drawer so I could crawl into it and sleep for days.

This is one of those times.

These times involve death, sadness, injuries, Fletcher, dogs, and Valkyrie.

More specifically, Valkyrie with Script. _With _Script.

Both of them are over a few ways, laughing and literally tripping over each other. It would be sort of cute if I didn't catch Script with that fleeting look in his eyes as he noticed how incredibly tight Valkyrie's shirt was. It wasn't anything she would normally wear but Tanith had insisted on her wearing it.

_Gee thanks, Tanith. _

They'd be together for a year or so, and (sadly) it was going pretty good. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them…but I just hate that Script was her first guy. I thought _I _was supposed to be her first.

But second is just the loser's first, right? Maybe I still had a chance. I still considered this 'young love'. So maybe they'd just end it soon. Not that I'm wishing for it or anything. That'd be horrible.

But maybe. Just maybe they'll get into a fight.

A Week Later

Valkyrie has the ability to wake me up from my meditation.

Sometimes I'm not happy about it. I just want to sleep. Other times I'm incredible grateful. Like now for instance.

I'm standing at the entrance to the kitchen, watching her bustle around in a tizzy, occasionally wiping her eyes.

From the tears.

I had not gathered the courage to ask why she was crying, but I figured what was wrong. There was suddenly a loud crash. I snapped into hero mode and sprinted up to Valkyrie. She was staring at the floor where bits of broken plates were. They'd cut her feet and hands a bit, but nothing serious. She sighed, almost annoyed that she'd been injured.

"Wait here," I spoke softly. She looked up with wide eyes at me, threatening to cry again. She finally nodded after a moment, and just stood there. Motionless. I wandered up to her bathroom, getting as many band-aids and anti-disinfectant as possible. She wouldn't need this much, but you can never have too many band-aids. I strolled back into the kitchen. Valkyrie was sitting on the counters occasionally biting into an apple. I plopped down at the table and beckoned for her to sit down with me. She came slowly, hobbling on her bleeding feet.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked softly in the silence. The only sound was me fixing up Valkyrie's hands.

"Not really."

"Fair enough."

We lapsed into silence until Valkyrie said, "Promise not to tell anyone I told you first?"

I stopped peeling apart the band-aid to stare at her. "Scout's honor."

She smiled, but it faded quickly. "We were driving on the way to the movie when-"

"The movie about the fish/girl thing?"

"Yes. The _fish/girl_ thing." She rolled her eyes playfully. "So we were almost there when Deviant suddenly asks me if I want to go to Paris with him. I asked him why and he just said that he wanted to get away for a few days. That was fine by me and I love Paris, so I said what the hell. We went the rest of the night without saying anything, until we were driving home."

I have a horrible suspicion this will end badly.

"There a nice quiet silence until he just out of the blue asks if I want to get married."

Suspicion confirmed.

"So I'm guessing you said no?" I quietly asked after I had readjusted the band-aids.

"No duh, Captain Obvious." She laughed slightly.

"Well what did he say?"

Her face grew sad. "Well he didn't exactly freak out, but frantically asked why. I said I just didn't want to get married and he ranted about how he loved me and such."

"Do you love him?" I hesitantly asked.

She paused. "No. I don't."

"Well did you tell him that?"

"Mind you, I don't want to break his heart." She rubbed her eyes dry again. "I just said that he was a great guy and I'd love to spend more time with him, but not more time as in married."

"Well that was very nice of you. Better than normal Valkyrie," I muttered.

She giggled. "Ouch. That was harsh."

"I know." I smiled and finished with her hands. "I apologize." She smiled warmly, then grabbed the box of band-aids from my hands and patched up her feet by herself.

"Well," I asked, slightly confused, "what did he say after that?"

"He said it was okay, and that'd he'd call me later. After that, we were totally silent. It was so uncomfortable. He pulled up here and said that he would indeed call – since he's really good about that - but it didn't seem like he meant it. I'm a little freaked out." She took a shaky breath and wiped her eyes. "I'm going to go shower." She paused and looked at me sheepishly. "Um. Could you…maybe…"

"Of course," I muttered softly. She bit her lip and leaned in and gave me a kiss on my lips (well teeth really). I watched as her face turned bright crimson, then as she ran up the stairs. I got up to head to her room and began to think again…

Why does she insist on confusing me so much? I had always considered myself to be rather clued in when it came to girls and women and such, but apparently not. Maybe it was just Valkyrie. She just…It made me mad I couldn't figure her out. I really wanted to punch something. Nothing she does makes sense. None at all. She went riding on Tanith's motorcycle without her coat. Guess who scratched up their arm?

Yeah. _Valkyrie_.

Or maybe she just doesn't know what she's doing. I sure as hell don't know.

I don't _understand _anymore! It's too complicated for my old non-existent brain.

I sighed to myself quietly and sat down lightly on Valkyrie's bed. It was a regular bed. It wasn't enormous or anything, just normal sized.

. . .

Why am I thinking about her bed size?

I think Fletcher has rubbed off on me. Him, being slightly perverted ever since he met Tanith and such, has taken a toll on us all. Thanks to him, I know can understand a "That's What She Said" joke. I never had any desire to know, but apparently they're the funniest things anyone has ever heard.

Well I think Jerry Lewis is funnier.

I looked up as the bathroom door opened. Valkyrie took quick showers, which was a pretty good quality in a woman. She was standing in the doorway, wearing nothing but a towel which was loosely wrapped around her small frame. I could see water dripping down from her hair, shoulders, and just everywhere. She blushed deep red and strode quickly to her dresser and grabbed some type of pajamas. I watched her walk back.

Why the hell did I do that?

I mean… Oh dammit. **Why?! Why God why!? **

I bet Tanith is sitting in this room somewhere, because no doubt she'd figure out a way to be invisible, and is laughing at my reaction. No doubt she's laughing her ass off silently. I bet she's right next to me. It'd be creepy and sort of like Tanith to do such a thing.

She's _that_ weird.

I looked over at my right, then my left and stuck out both my arms. I waved them around, checking to see if I could hit a blonde woman.

"What are you doing?" Oh damn. "Looking for invisible creatures?" Valkyrie giggled. She raked her fingers through her hair, letting the black silk fall back against her small shoulders.

What am I saying?! I need to stop obsessing over her and this whole romance thing. It's too complicated for an oldie like me. Valkyrie had to explain to me how to program one of those VD player things. I don't remember what they're called. You watch movies, and that's all I got.

I looked over as Valkyrie sat down next to me. She had on some short shorts (which…looked very appealing on her) and a long sleeve shirt. It fitted her nicely, revealing every small little curve…

"Hello!?" Valkyrie snapped me out of my thoughts. "Planning Script's demise, hmm?" she asked playfully.

I sighed and smiled. "I'll wait to see if he does truly call." She smirked and flopped down on the bed. She sighed and cracked her fingers with a sickening crunch.

"Is it necessary to do that?!" I half-shrieked.

"Contrary to your belief, it is necessary," she stated simply. I huffed dramatically and moved as she flung her covers away and slid under them. I sat down next to her and crossed my skinny legs together. If I could have blushed, I would have. She had snuggled up close to me with one hand where my heart should have been and the other leaning lightly against my ribs.

I couldn't believe I was that comfortable. I was rock hard. I was harder than rock hard.

. . .

Oh dammit, Fletcher.

I gazed down as Valkyrie shifted around, and that's when I noticed she was crying. So I slowly put my arm around her and cradled her closer to me. She sniffed and let out a strangled sob that sounded like half a laugh as well.

I didn't try and comfort her.

No. I am not a selfish jerk.

But sometimes, the best thing to do for this type of thing is to eat chocolate, cry, and sleep.

And so help me, if that boy rears his ugly face again, it'll disappear altogether. No one goes around hurting my Valkyrie like that. No one.

. . .

_My _Valkyrie.

The woman I really love. The woman I've known for years. She was just a kid. A smart-ass kid at that. But now she's a gorgeous, young woman. She's complicated, loud, obnoxious, silly, hasty, but more importantly, my friend. My beautiful friend who I've loved for years now.

. . .

Oh hell.

I'm confused again.

Phew! DONE! Finally!

Whoever gets what that 'fish/girl' movie they were talking about earlier wins a thousand and five hundred points. Whoever gets what a 'VD player' is earns a thousand points. And whoever gets why it's funny for Skulduggery to say that he is rock hard earns a hug from yours truly.

If you guys have any ideas, I'd _really _like to hear them! My almost never ending list has sort of gone down a lot, so I need some stuff to write.

I'm sorry for any mistakes this has!

:DD


	34. Love Love Love Love

LOOK ROZZYROX. YOU AND YOUR SNEAKYNESS HAS BROUGHT ME TO WRITE THIS.

HOW DARE YOU?

HDY?

:D

**Aisha**: lulz I know, right! Cirque Du Freak was pretty amazing. Mr. Crepsley was my all time favorite character there. And I totally love you now.

**Takes place about four-six months after the previous drabble.**

**Warnings: **Language, most likely.

* * *

**Skulduggery's POV**

I love being in love with someone who's absolutely perfect and loves me back.

It's a great feeling.

And you know, that hasn't happened in a while, thank you for asking. Much to Tanith's disappointment, no, Valkyrie and I are not together.

. . .

I actually am rather mad. I thought that I was being subtle, yet getting my point across to her! Like for a few more nights I sat with her at night before she went to bed. Does that not show that I care immensely about her? Does it not? Seriously, answer that.

Everyone. Now.

Even Fletcher figured it out! And Fletcher's kind of stupid, if you ask me. We had a full conversation about it. It went something like this:

**Fletcher**: So you must have been totally jealous when Valkyrie was going out with that guy, huh?

**Me**: Yes, I was jealous. No need to rub it in.

**Fletcher**: I wasn't rubbing it in, per se. Just curious. I think it's _cute_.

**Me**: You think me being in great pain whenever I saw them together is _cute_?

**Fletcher**: What? No. I think the idea of you two _together _is cute.

**Me**: Really?

**Fletcher**: Oh sure! Just make sure you tell Val before she moves on and suddenly falls in love with Dusk or something.

. . .

I don't know how Dusk had been factored into this, but apparently he had. And now, I can't get that mental image out of my head. Thanks, Fletcher. Appreciate this.

Anyway, Valkyrie seemed to get back to being normal maybe a week later. Script hadn't called her yet, and he still hasn't, months later. No one talks about it, or even hints at it. I wonder if Valkyrie's even forgotten about him altogether. That would be rather nice. I did constantly think about what an ass he is for ditching Valkyrie like that and completely cutting off all contact with her. But I try to not let it get to me. I think Valkyrie tries to not let it get to her as well.

She was (and still is) a bit sensitive about it. Wouldn't you be a little pissed if someone as nice as him completely stopped talking to you?

I would.

But now, here I sit, watching Valkyrie make a grilled cheese sandwich. I'm on watch duty as she can't cook to save her life. She can beat up vampires and such, but can't even cook macaroni and cheese. She burns water, _that's _how bad it is.

She grabbed a knife and spread the butter across the bread, then flopped it down in the pan. She turned the stove on, then turned to me.

"I can make a grilled cheese by myself, you know," she half snapped. "I'm not so bad at cooking that something lit on fire!"

"Correction," I said coolly, "you tried making toast and the toaster caught fire."

"Well that toaster sucked."

"That toast you put in there was too big."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. At least I've never melted butter to a liquid."

"That was _one _time Valkyrie!" I protested. "And you had more butter so it's not like the whole cake was ruined!"

"Kenspeckle hated that cake!"

"It's not my fault he has a hatred for anything I do."

"It _is_ your fault you drag me around and almost get me killed."

"But you were the one who insisted on coming with me!" I paused and sniffed the air. "It's burning."

"Dammit!" Valkyrie shrieked and flipped over the sandwich. The edges were black and brown, but it was mostly undamaged. "I blame you."

"Well it's your fault that you started that pointless conversation," I said casually.

"It's your fault that you feel the need to stay here and watch me like a hawk."

"Let's not start this 'It's your fault' thing again. It's getting old."

Valkyrie nodded in agreement. "Agreed." She smiled and stared intently at the stove.

"I agree too," came a voice, that sounded just all too familiar. I turned around in my chair slowly, dreading the worst possible thing.

There. There was that complete asshole, smiling widely, looking like he expected a hug. Like hell, dumbass.

I turned to look at Valkyrie who was holding her spatula up defensively.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?" she shrieked. I had not expected her to take such an angry tone, but I'll go with it. "Get the fuck out of my house, right now."

Script stepped up closer, but I stood up in front of him, trying to look intimidating. "Seriously," I said, "she will find a way to kill you with that spatula."

"Valkyrie won't kill me, right?" he asked kindly.

"I wouldn't put too much money on it, no," she growled. Good ol' Val. Always sarcastic to the end. I have such a wonderful influence on her, don't I? "I want you out of my house in one minute, or I swear to God I will hit you so hard."

I noted Script visibly tighten up. No one can resist Valkyrie's death glare, not even me. We're completely evil, sometimes.

"Could I just talk-"

"No," she cut him off. "If you wanted to talk then you could have said something these past few months. But since you sat around on your lazy ass and made no attempt to contact me, you don't get another chance. I rarely believe in second chances. Life doesn't give you a second chance, minus Skulduggery, so I suggest you run straight through those doors, or windows, your choice, and never show your ugly-ass face again.

"Understand?"

Script gulped, but stepped forward again. Since I had moved out of the way, Valkyrie had a clear shot. She swung her arm out and slapped him in the face with the spatula, then with her other hand. There was a red mark from her hand on one cheek, and four lines on the other cheek from the spatula.

"Look Valkyrie," he whispered, but she cut him off again.

"_Get out!_" she screamed. "I don't care what you have to say. There was plenty of time to say it, but you just didn't do anything. Get the fuck out of my house."

Go Val!

Script turned to me. "Could I maybe talk to her alone for a moment?"

Valkyrie scoffed loudly. "If I was going to let you talk to me, which I won't, I'd say that anything you can say in front of me can be said in front of Skulduggery."

Oh, I'm touched.

I crossed my arms and strode up to Valkyrie, but not before turning off her stove.

Script took a deep breath. "Well you see-"

"Dude." Valkyrie swung the spatula around, threatening him. "I'm not going to let you talk."

Script sighed slightly, then cocked his head. I noticed for the first time behind all his blonde hair, was a single black earring in his right ear. The shadows flew from it, clamping up Valkyrie's mouth and body, the same with me.

"I'm sorry. I was so hurt. I thought that you didn't love me," he said sadly. "I wanted to call you, but I never found the courage. I was afraid that you were going to hate me. You are a great person and I love you so much, so I really just wanted to spend time with you."

Any place would be better than here. Can I move to Russia? No offense to Russians of course, I've just never liked it very much. But now I'd _love _to be there.

"There isn't really an excuse for my horrible, immature behavior, but I hope you'll forgive me one day." Script finished his absolutely God-awful speech and untied us from the shadows. Before any of us could react, a grilled cheese went flying through the air. It smacked Script right in the face, causing him to fall backward.

Grilled Cheese: 1 Script: 0

Ha. Very nice, Valkyrie. I mentally applauded her in my head.

"Thanks for the speech," she said menacingly, "but it sucked. Practice something next time. Now. Get the fuck out of my house. You are not welcome here again." She glared at him, then turned her back. His eyes were filled with hurt and confusion, but he left after a few moments.

Well what am I supposed to do? If I try saying something, Valkyrie might bight my head off. I rather like my head and wish to keep it.

I sighed inwardly and stepped up closer to her. She was staring at the sandwich on the floor. I placed one of my gloved hands on her shoulders. She didn't move at all.

"Valkyrie…Are you alright?" I asked softly.

She nodded. "Just a bit shaken up, is all," she murmured. She smiled slightly and looked at me with wide eyes.

Then suddenly, my whole body took control. I tilted her chin up and kissed her full on the lips.

Why was I suddenly a teenage boy who couldn't control his hormones?

But, oh, Valkyrie tasted amazing. She tasted like mint toothpaste and coffee. And she felt even better. Her lips were soft and warm and felt amazing. I loved this feeling and didn't ever want to stop kissing her.

But after a few minutes, Valkyrie pulled away. I almost whimpered from the loss of contact. She was so warm and I could feel all the heat radiating off her back. But, I eventually figured that my cold and brittle bones and teeth didn't feel too good.

"I-I-I'm sorry," I apologized. "I don't know what came over me. I'm so sorry. That wasn't really how I planned it. It was supposed to be better and not rushed like that. So…sorry." I rubbed my skull and looked at her. She was biting her bottom lip and smiling, making her incredibly sexy and innocent at the same time.

"T-That's okay," she muttered. "It felt nice. I was just surprised."

"I realize this, yes." I smiled awkwardly. "Well so…" I trailed off and looked at her deeper. She was still biting her lip. I heard her arms rise up and felt them rest on my neck, softly stroking my spine.

"How about we try that again?" she asked sweetly.

I was almost blown away from her boldness. "I'd like that." She smiled that smile that was a strange mixture of joy and mischief and kissed me again.

I eased the strong grip I had on her shoulder and brought my hands down to her waist. I broke off when I heard her stomach growl. She giggled and picked the sandwich from the floor and threw it away and began on a new one.

I sat and watched her bustle around. She was staring intently at the pan, making sure that it wouldn't burn. A few moments later, Tanith and Echo-Gordon came crashing into the kitchen. They began talking wildly with Valkyrie.

But I paid no attention. I was only focused on Valkyrie. The one person I had loved in a very long time. And I'm pretty sure she loved me back. But if she didn't, that was okay. At least I was able to have my own time with her. It wasn't for very long and it was interrupted by a grilled cheese sandwich, but it was still fantastic.

She was beautiful and I loved every part of her. I, Skulduggery Pleasant, was in love with my beautiful partner in crime, Valkyrie Cain.

Well, aren't I sappy and poetic?

* * *

LORD THIS IS LONG.

Oh well. I had fun with this. This isn't all that good, so I apologize for that. This isn't my favorite one and it's not my best work. But I just couldn't really think of anything else. ROZZYROX DOES THIS PLEASE YOU?!

And Skulduggery really does want you to answer that question. _Really_.

Well I'm sorry for any mistakes and thanks for reading! :DDD


	35. That's What She Said

I am easily amused.

And by the title, I hope you can guess that this will be very perverted.

* * *

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery said sternly, "if that's not going in the whole correctly, it's not working right."

Valkyrie and Fletcher stifled a giggle.

"What's so funny?" the skeleton asked.

"Nothing, nothing," Fletcher shook his head and smiled at Valkyrie. She grinned back.

Skulduggery sighed. "Okay, Valkyrie, could you get me that long pole and jam it in here?"

Again, both teenagers giggled a bit.

"Is this some stupid inside joke?" Skulduggery asked, completely confused.

"It is indeed."

He would have rolled his eyes. "Fletcher." He turned to the blonde boy beside him. "Could you get me some of that white sticky stuff?" Fletcher's eyes grew wide, but he nodded and stood up, searching for the liquid. Valkyrie bit on her fist to stop laughing so hard.

"Where do you want this?" he asked once he had returned with the stuff.

"Over there is fine, thank you," Skulduggery muttered. He looked over at Valkyrie, who was still trying to not laugh. He watched as Valkyrie tried jamming the long metal rod into the small pipe. She pushed it in far. "You can't put it in farther than that!" he shrieked.

Finally, both teenagers burst out laughing, rolling around on the ground, and grasping their stomachs.

"Okay!" Skulduggery shouted. "What is so bloody hilarious?!"

"_That's what she said_!" Fletcher yelled out and went into another round of laughter.

"'That's what she said'? I'm lost," Skulduggery sighed.

"It's a sexual innuendo!" Valkyrie giggled. "People say it all the time when it fits correctly."

"That's what she said!" Fletcher said again and pointed at her. They both started laughing again.

Skulduggery was annoyed. "How immature can you guys get?"

Valkyrie smiled and wiped away tears. "We're sorry. It's just everything you just said was absolutely hilarious."

"Oh yeah. I was just in stitches," Skulduggery replied sarcastically. He sighed and turned back to the project they were working on.

**A Few Days Later**

"Hey Fletcher," Valkyrie said, "could you give me a hand with this?"

"Sure." They both walked from the great room in Gordon's house, leaving Skulduggery alone to read his book. He listened as they stomped around the house. He saw them walk by him a few moments later, carrying a big and heavy box.

"Come on Fletcher!" Valkyrie scolded. "Just a bit farther. Then we shove it up somewhere. Get a better grip, man!"

"Well it's so long to the attic and this box is so hard!" Fletcher complained. "I can't hold on much longer. The thing is slipping out!"

Skulduggery looked up from his book and stared both of them straight in the eyes.

"That's what he said." He kept a straight face, then went right back to reading his book.

Valkyrie never laughed harder.

* * *

This was just done on a whim. It's not that good, but I wanted to do one.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID GUYS.

And I don't know what project they were working on, but they were doing _something_. Maybe…like fixing the Bentley or something. I dunno.

:DDDD


	36. You Like Me Too Much

Let me assure you, this has _nothing _to do with my recent Beatles obsession. _Nothing _at all ;D

* * *

_Though you've gone away this morning you'll be back again tonight,  
Telling me there'll be no next time if I just don't treat you right,_

"I hate you."

"But I love you!"

"That totally doesn't change anything."

"Oh what? I totally saved your life from being stuck with Crux all day."

_You'll never leave and you know it's true,  
Cause you like me too much and I like you._

"Oh that is true…"

"See? You love me too."

She hesitated. "Only a little bit."

_You've tried before to leave me but you never had the nerve,  
To walk out and make me lonely which is all that I deserve,_

"Everyone loves me. Even Fletcher loves me. He won't admit it though."

"Not really. He's just poking fun at you. No one likes you."

"Hey! That's not true…"

She smiled.

_You'll never leave and you know it's true,  
Cause you like me too much and I like you._

"You are quite right…"

"I'm always right."

"You just completely ruined this little moment we were having. Way to go."

_  
I really do and it's nice when you believe me if you leave me,  
I will follow you and bring you back where you belong,_

_Cause I couldn't really stand it I admit that I was wrong,  
I wouldn't let you leave me cause it's true,_

"We were having a moment? I wasn't aware of this."

She rolled her eyes. "Only because your bus sized ego was talking to you."

"My ego is very small. It just likes to show off sometimes."

"That's the same thing!"

"It is not!"

She slapped her face. "I have proof that you were wrong at least once."

"In the eight years I've known you, you can only think of one instance in which I was wrong?"

"No, there are just too many to count."

He would have pouted. "Fine. What did I get wrong?"

"Guild was not a spy. Nor was he evil."

"He is evil."

"Well not Sanguine evil."

"Right at that…"

_  
Cause you like me too much and I like you.  
Cause you like me too much and I like you._

He smiled.

She smiled back.

He reached to put an arm around her shoulders and hug her. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

What? The Beatles you say? I've never heard of them.

I didn't put any dialogue tags cause that wouldn't have made this as cool. I think it's pretty obvious who's talking. If you get confused or something, I'll tell you.

So, yeah, I really like The Beatles. They're really cool. I vote you all go to grooveshark . com and listen to some of their music. It's some really bouncy and bubbly stuff. I wuvs it! This song is titled "You Like Me Too Much" and it's one of my favorites. Hell! All of them are my favorites!

:DDD


	37. Who Might Say it?

200 reviews. Holy shiz, I think I peed myself. I don't have a lot to say, but just thank you guys. I really appreciate all your hilarious and great support. It's been great being here and I absolutely love writing. I think it's improved…just a bit. You all are such a fantastic lot and really hope that we can…stay friends (?). I've made a lot of friends here (some slightly crazy) and they're all awesome. So, thanks for being there and supporting me and encouraging me to keep going and keep writing!

Aaaand a special shout-out to Falnet (I just can't call you anything different!) for being the 200th reviewer! I love ya! And would you look at that…you're the 100th and 200th reviewer! Thanks hon! . . .Though I still am mad that you called me Bella…:D

AND AN UNRELATED NOTE: CROSS-COUNTRY IS THE HARDEST THING EVER. NEVER GO AND TRY FOR IT. IT SUCKS. DON'T DO IT.

Anyways…

* * *

**Skulduggery's POV**

I love Tanith. I mean, I really do. But how can anyone keep someone on the phone for _four hours straight_?

Valkyrie called her at around one in the afternoon…and it's nearing five. How is that possible? What are they talking about? Yes, they're girls and girls talk about makeup, boys, clothes, hot movie stars, and that weird vampire guy, but it's _Valkyrie and Tanith _for God's sake! Valkyrie barely wears makeup. The only time I've seen her with makeup was when her parents forced her into some for her prom. And Tanith I don't think would go within ten feet of lipstick.

And there is no way in hell I'm going up there to see if they're not talking anymore. Too many times have I walked in and they're talking about all that girl stuff. Like…_girl _stuff. Not that I'm immature about it (I'm the most mature person I know) it's just _awkward_. Do _you_ enjoy talking about that stuff?

Didn't think so.

Maybe they just talked themselves mad. Maybe Valkyrie's just sitting up in her room, tearing out her hair. Tanith would cause someone to do that.

I guess they're analyzing they romance situation. What with Script barging in here and me practically attacking Valkyrie, it's probably pretty complicated. It's like a big love triangle. And that's not good.

But maybe it'll turn into a…not love triangle. That's my goal.

"Hey."

When did Valkyrie get here?

"Hello there. What is it?" I asked cautiously. She smirked and thrust her mobile out at me. "It's a shame you don't have words to specify what you want." I grabbed the phone from her and placed it to where my ear would have been.

"Yes?" I asked again cautiously. I fear Tanith might yell at me.

"Is Valkyrie actually alright?"

Well, it wasn't exactly yelling, but more like talking slightly louder than any sane, normal person would do.

"It looks like she is," I said. "I find nothing wrong with her."

"Did you tell her about how you love her?"

"Ah." I looked over at Valkyrie. She was standing and staring at the grand fireplace. Gosh she looked pretty. Her hands were behind her back and she looked so philosophical and . . .

"Hello!?"

Oh yeah. Tanith.

"What was the question?" I asked and moved out of the room and into the kitchen.

She sighed on the other line. "Did you tell her you love her?"

That was it!

"Um. No."

"Well hurry the hell up. She may move on before you know it," she scolded. "I don't need a depressed skeleton to deal with, thank you very much."

"I'm not depressed!" I said. "I wouldn't be depressed if it didn't work out."

"I beg to differ."

"Well that's great. I will not be depressed."

Tanith sighed again. "Alright, alright," she said. "But just be sure to tell her soon. I think you need a girlfriend."

And suddenly, she hung up.

That was incredibly rude.

It was incredibly rude to say that too!

I don't _need _a _girlfriend_. And I wouldn't consider Valkyrie my girlfriend. It…just didn't seem right to call her that. She'd always be Valkyrie to me. There's no changing that. Even if we got married and had four thousand children, she'd always be Valkyrie.

My head snapped up as Valkyrie walked to stand in the doorway.

"I think I may lose my voice after that," she said.

"Did you guys really talk for four hours straight?" I asked skeptically.

"Yeah. We did."

Someone should do a study on these two. That's just not normal.

"That's crazy, you know that?" I teased.

She smiled. "Yeah, yeah. So," she said and came up close to me, "what did Tanith have to say?"

"Oh, nothing important…"

"Really now?"

"Yes, really."

I have a feeling she's going to grill me with questions until I give in.

"Well, alright then," she said simply and went to grab an orange. She sat on the counter and began tearing at the skin with her nails.

"Wait," I said, "so you're just going to give up?"

"Yeah. You're obviously not going to tell me, so why bother anymore? I'll just get someone else to spill. Like Ghastly. He'd tell me if there was something important." She smiled smugly and popped a slice of orange into her mouth.

Where did the real Valkyrie go? I thought the real Valkyrie would bug me nonstop for the answer. Maybe she's just too exhausted to talk anymore after the Tanith fiasco. That's most likely it. Maybe she'll just remain quiet for the rest of her life. . . See, as much as I love Valkyrie, half the time I just want to duck her mouth shut.

"Care to share your thoughts that require such vivid motions?" she asked through the silence. I stared at her. "Your arms were waving all around!" she explained. "I thought you were going to break something."

Damn.

"Oh." What the hell should I say now? "No, I do not wish to share my thoughts, thank you for asking."

"Alright then." She smiled and rolled her eyes and continued to eat her orange. Why is it that whatever she does is incredibly…amazing? She's just eating that orange…rather seductively, I might add. I don't think she's trying to. It's just ending up that way. She licks the side and then pops it into her mouth quickly.

_It's incredibly sexy. _

God, I'm such a creeper.

Alright. You know what? It's now or never. I might as well just say it and get it over with. It's only three words. Three syllables. Not that hard, right?

Wrong.

This is like the equivalent of taking someone out to Antarctica, take away the winter coats, and leaving them to run from the wolves. And then shooting them in the leg.

It's God-annoying, painful, and really tricky.

But if I don't say it soon, who will?

"Valkyrie." She looked up from her orange to me. I stepped up closer and kissed her again on her soft lips.

"Valkyrie, I love you."

* * *

HA CLIFFHANGER. IN YOUR FACE.

Anyways, yeah. This, again, isn't my best work, but I still sorta like it. And I have realized that through this series of…Skulduggery's POV things, I've made him sort of a wuss. I was upset about this for a time, but then I realized that maybe, just maybe, every man gets like this when he's in love.

Yes, that is sappy and cliché, but still. I think that if a guy loves a girl enough, he'll go crazy and do and say weird things. That's my excuse. Kind of a crappy one, but excuse nonetheless.

So, yeah. Thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes! :DDD


	38. My Newly Found Love and Orange Fetish

Okay. So, I have taken **Rose Blaze-Lady of Fire's **(That is a long name, girl!) suggestion. She inspired me by saying that I inspired her.

Yup.

* * *

**Skulduggery's POV**

Previously on Days of Our Lives…

"_I love you."_

Anyone would think I'd be happy that I'd gotten that off my chest, right?

You have no idea how wrong you are.

I'm still standing in front of Valkyrie, slightly awkward. She's smiling slightly, and blushing a bit. She's so adorable.

She giggled softly, then brought her arm back. And she _bloody slapped me across the face. _

Ouch.

I stumbled back and clamped by hand up against my jaw bone. "What the hell was that for?" I shrieked.

"You're stupid, you know that?" she shrieked back.

"How am I stupid? You're stupid for slapping me like that! And it hurt like hell!"

"Oh stop your bitching!" She glared and popped an orange slice in her mouth, then sauntered off.

Oh no.

No way is she getting off so easily.

"Hey!" I yelled and stormed after her. I caught her wrist and pulled her around to face me. "What the hell, Valkyrie?"

She shrugged and smiled Fletcher's trademark cocky grin. "Nothing. You're just stupid."

"Please," I growled, "enlighten me as to why I'm stupid."

"No." She smiled sweetly and wrenched her hand from my grasp. I silently fumed, and grabbed her again.

"So help me God, Valkyrie Cain, what the bloody hell is your problem?"

"I have no problem," she said. "You're just freaking out."

"Yes, because you just slapped me for no adequately explained reason!"

"I don't need to explain. Figure it out yourself." And she attempted to saunter off again, but I gripped her wrist harder and yanked her back.

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" I grumbled low in her ear, in what I hope was my dominant/evil/threatening voice.

It didn't even faze her, dammit!

"I thought you were so amazing and smart. You can do anything, Skulduggery Pleasant. I thought that you would have figured it out by now, but whatever. I guess you just don't care at all…" She smiled, but it was more genuine this time.

I sighed inwardly. I was going to find out why the hell she slapped me even if it killed me.

Hypothetically speaking of course.

I'll probably just go insane from trying…

I realized I was standing alone in the hallway, and followed Valkyrie calmly. She was sitting on the floor, still eating that damn orange. I stood over her, hands on my hip bones, and tried my best to glare.

Again, she barely noticed.

"Hello there," she said and smiled up at me. "Figured it out yet?"

I clenched my fists and restrained from curling into a ball. "No, I haven't. May I have a clue?"

"Me."

"I'm sorry?"

This girl couldn't make any less sense if she tried.

"The clue is me." She smiled, but again, more sincere than the cocky Fletcher Grin.

"Um. The reason you slapped me is you?"

"No, the reason I slapped you is you because of me."

I think I'll just go sulk in a corner now…

"That makes no sense, you know that, right?" I told her.

"No," she said, "it makes sense. Think it through."

"I've been thinking and so far, I'm getting nowhere. Give me another hint."

"Bitchy housewives."

At this point, my arms went slack and I plopped down on the ground next to her. "'Bitchy housewives?' How is that related at all?"

"It's how you've been acting," she said casually.

"I have not been acting like a bitchy housewife!" I protested.

"You've been so emotional lately! And you're always cranky. Do you know bloody why?" She sighed in irritation and scooted up closer to me, placing a hand on my knee bone. "It's pretty obvious, if you ask me."

"I didn't ask you, did I?" I grumbled back.

She looked hurt. "Sorry, just trying to help!" she snapped. "I'm sorry I tried to be supportive and try and make this slightly easier, but apparently it didn't work at all!" She suddenly shot up from her seated position. I stood up with her. "I thought that I was being pretty obvious! But I guess you just couldn't tell!"

"Couldn't tell what?" I snapped back.

"I love you!"

. . . .

Are you bloody kidding me, Valkyrie?

"So…" I said after a few moments of silence, "you're saying that we just had this fight for nothing? And it could have been solved ten minutes ago?"

She smiled and blushed a little bit. "Maybe. But I think this way was more fun, don't you agree?"

Oh yeah. Just oodles of fun, Valkyrie. I loved it. Especially when I got slapped.

"I do not agree, at all," I said eventually and looked at her.

That's when I realized that I loved this girl. I, truthfully, forgot about it. I think I just focus too hard on the arguments, so I don't lose them like I've been doing. Valkyrie is sometimes _too _smart and sharp tongued for her own good.

She giggled and placed her hand in mine. It was warm and soft, but still slightly rough from the punches she'd been throwing left and right at everyone. Her hand trailed up my bones and up to my shoulders where she rested her arms lightly. She grinned and pulled me in to hug me tightly.

My arms automatically came up to crush her closer to me. It felt nice, having her everything squish up against me like that. And plus she was warm and she fit so well in my arms. Does that mean that we were made for each other? Because if that's the case, it's perfectly fine by me.

I rested my head up against hers, and listened to her breath. I felt her fingers curl around my jacket material and pull it harder. She took a deep breath and sighed.

"What are you doing?" I asked a bit skeptically.

She looked up at me with that sly grin on her face. "I just want to remember what you smell like."

"Ah. I bet I smell wonderful."

She giggled again, which was becoming more and more regular. "You smell like…like fall does. And after it rains."

"That's an interesting combination."

"Oh, and caramel."

Caramel? Is she kidding? How do I smell like caramel?

"But I like it," she added softly. "I've never met anyone who smells like rain and caramel before."

"Well there's a first for everything," I said and ran my fingers through her dark hair. It was silky and soft and sent shivers down my spine strangely.

Someone cleared their throat.

My first instinct was to think it was Valkyrie. But this was too high-pitched and too dainty for Valkyrie.

And plus, she screamed at the sound. She flung herself around, and came face to face with China Sorrows.

China had one perfectly shaped black eyebrow raised, lips poised together, and her blue eyes were sparkling. Her red lips curled slowly into a sly grin and her head gave a little tilt.

"It's clear I'm interrupting something then," she said and produced a large book. "I have this for you Valkyrie. I apologize. I should have called."

Valkyrie stepped away and took the thick book in her hands. "Thanks," she mumbled and played with her hair; a nervous habit for her. China smiled sweetly at her, then gave me a pointed look. I couldn't tell if it was a death glare or a 'you're dumb' glare. You can never tell with China. She can be insulting you and you not notice it for ten minutes.

"Anytime Valkyrie." She gave a curt nod and turned to me. "Watch it, then," she said and nodded again. She turned swiftly and glided out of the house.

What in the world does she mean? Will she pull a Tanith and kill me for…kissing Valkyrie?

Or worse.

Will she tell Gordon?

Sure, he's fine with us being friends and partners…but I'm not so sure about…_more _than that. I hope he'll be alright. Because Gordon can get pretty ticked off at points. It's not all that good if the semi-dad of the girl you are completely in love with hates you.

"Well," Valkyrie muttered eventually, "I guess China knows now. I bet she'll end up telling everyone." She smiled and bit her lip again.

"What's the book on?" I asked in hopes of changing the subject.

"Oh nothing," she said and placed it on the couch behind us. She continued to bite her lip. And my God, she looked hot doing it.

"Hey," she said again, "what do we say to people?"

"I don't know. I vote we not say a word."

"Why?"

"Because Tanith will no doubt attack me."

"Again, why?"

"It's a very long story, Valkyrie."

"I've got time," she countered. "Tell me please. I will not rest until I hear this story."

"What story?" came Fletcher's voice.

"Fletcher." Valkyrie curled her hands into fists. "Stop doing that."

"What?"

"Appearing in the house suddenly."

He shrugged and walked straight past us and into the kitchen. "Sorry. I'll stop at some point."

"Oh thanks Fletcher!"

Valkyrie huffed and followed him away. I dug my hands in my pockets and followed them as well. Fletcher was at the counter, biting into an apple. Valkyrie was standing next to him, with a sour face, and eating another damn orange.

I think I'm beginning an orange fetish. And that's incredibly creepy.

But as I sit here, and I watch Valkyrie blush occasionally, I find that having an orange fetish is just fine with me as long as I get the girl I completely love.

Dear God, I should be a writer.

* * *

OH MY GOD THIS IS LONG.

And it isn't all that good. Sorry bout that.

Um. Should I keep going with these little Skulduggery's POV things? Cause I've run out of ideas. Please give me suggestions for this, or other things! I would really (really, really, really) like to hear them!

Sorry for mistakes! :DD


	39. The Bentley

**Warnings: **Slight adult themes here.

* * *

Valkyrie, Skulduggery, and Tanith headed back from the Sanctuary and to the Bentley one cool summer night.

Valkyrie looked around her surroundings. "Where's Beatrice?" she asked in the silence.

"Who in the world is Beatrice?" Skulduggery sighed. "Nobody knows anyone named Beatrice anymore."

"Beatrice the Bentley of course!" she smiled.

Tanith snorted. "The Bentley is most certainly not a girl. It's totally a guy."

"No way!" Valkyrie countered. "It's the freakin' Bentley. It has to be a girl. It's too pretty to be a guy."

"Maybe the Bentley is gay," Tanith shrugged. "You never know. But don't ask him. He may get the wrong idea."

"Girls," Skulduggery said quietly, "the Bentley is a car. It is not a person, neither male nor female. It also does not have a sexual preference. It's a damn car."

"Someone's cranky tonight…" Tanith smirked into Valkyrie's ear.

"I am not cranky," the skeleton sighed. "Just a little bit weird-ed out about the Bentley being…gay."

"I bet he is," Tanith snorted.

"Well the Bentley is a girl. So maybe she's still gay, but the Bentley is definitely a girl."

"Well," Tanith laughed, "Benjamin is a much better name for the Bentley than Beatrice."

"Oh please!" Valkyrie stomped her foot. "Beatrice is, like, the greatest name for a pretty car like that."

"Benjamin!" Tanith shouted playfully.

"Beatrice!" Valkyrie shouted back.

"Benjamin!"

"Beatrice!"

"Benjamin!"

"Okay!" Skulduggery cut off Valkyrie and stood in front of them. "Whatever gender the Bentley is, or whatever its sexuality, we're here. So hush."

He moved and slid into the driver's seat, with Tanith next to him and Valkyrie behind Tanith in the back. They sat in silence, until a quiet, "Beatrice," was said. Tanith spun around in her seat to glare at Valkyrie.

"Benjamin," she hissed.

"Beatrice," the thirteen-year-old growled.

"Benjamin."

"Beatrice."

"Benjamin."

"Beatrice!"

Skulduggery sighed irritably and tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

"Are we annoying you?" Tanith asked sweetly, batting her long eyelashes.

"Very much so," he grumbled and turned to look at her. "Oh look!" he said suddenly happily. "It's your apartment, Tanith!"

The blonde huffed. "Don't think this is over, Valkyrie! It's definitely Benjamin the Bentley. No denying it."

"Yeah, we'll see about that!" Valkyrie called back. Tanith smiled and hopped out of the car and into the building. Valkyrie grinned and clambered over the seats and into the front. "It's definitely a girl. Don't you agree? If you don't agree I'll hit you."

He stared at her before starting the car in question up. "Well, I always believed 'Belle the Bentley' fit much more."

* * *

Meh.

I've wanted to do this for a while. It's not that good, but I was afraid I'd lose some of the stuff I wanted to have in here if I didn't write it. The reason it's not good would probably be because I spent three hours on homework today. After coming home from completely exhausting x-c practice. Today was not a good day…

Anyways! Thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes! :DD


	40. Changes

* * *

He watches from across the room.

He watches ever silently, hoping she would just stop altogether with this nonsense.

But she doesn't. She won't. This was something he absolutely hated about her. She was too damn stubborn.

Ghastly told him the tale of getting his skull back. It was not pretty. It was not funny. It was just _not_.

She had suffered while he was gone. And when he returned in a rush of air, she didn't seem all that pleased. Something had…

He watches Solomon Wreath demonstrate for her. She nods and looks up at the necromancer with wide eyes. Turns out, she was fantastic at this.

And he hates that.

He was supposed to be her mentor, teach her magic, guide her, help her. But that had all…

He watches the shadows curl up around her young face and watches her smile curl along with them.

_Changes.

* * *

_


	41. The Worst Vacation Ever

* * *

"No! Go right!"

"But the map says left!"

Valkyrie groaned. "How long have you had that map?"

Skulduggery paused. "Give or take a few hundred years."

Fletcher groaned and hit his head against the window. "You guys," he said, "have been arguing for the past hour and a half!"

"Yeah!" Tanith piped in. "How hard is it to get to the beach?"

Ghastly smirked. "Apparently really hard."

"The last time we went Skulduggery's way we ended up stuck in traffic for an hour!"

"Yeah," Skulduggery sniffed, "but then I found that shortcut.

"But then we almost ran over that bear!"

There was a silence.

"That was the exit, Skulduggery," Valkyrie mumbled angrily.

"But there's a shortcut up here!" he protested.

"What is it with you and shortcuts!" Valkyrie shouted. "Couldn't you have skipped this little shortcut of being a skeleton and be dead already?!"

"Yeah!" Tanith shouted from the back.

"Okay" Fletcher yelled. "Shut up!"

Everyone was quiet. And suddenly they were at the beach. Fletcher stepped out of the car and took a deep breath.

"What the hell?" Tanith screamed. "You just teleported a freakin' car!"

"Well," he huffed, "Skulduggery wouldn't open the windows and I needed some fresh air. Plus I need to pee." He saluted Tanith, then disappeared in a flash.

Valkyrie stepped out of the Bentley. There were literally _on _the beach. There was sand everywhere and Valkyrie knew it would pose a problem. She went to help Ghastly pull out some towels and an umbrella. He sat down in the shade and began working on some designs of clothes. Tanith was sitting nearby tanning, wearing a rather revealing bikini. Skulduggery sat near Ghastly and was helping him set up the towels. Fletcher had returned and was seated near Valkyrie.

"So why did you come if you hate the beach?" he asked.

"Well we're always trying to save the world, so I thought it'd be nice to relax."

Fletcher smiled. "I bet your came for me."

"Ha. Yeah right," Valkyrie smirked. She reached down and began to pull up her shirt.

Fletcher was mortified. "Woah! Woah! Woah! This isn't a French beach!" Suddenly his mouth was full of sand. Valkyrie smirked and continued to undress, since her bathing suit was on underneath her clothes. In comparison to Tanith's revealing bikini, Valkyrie was the opposite. She was wearing a full on wetsuit.

Valkyrie and Fletcher talked for a while, resulting in many blows to the back of his head. They sat in silence for a while until they both heard a familiar Texan drawl.

"Look I don't mean no trouble. I'm takin' a break from killin' for a while!" Sanguine said.

Tanith stood up and glared at Sanguine. "What the hell are you doing here?" she shouted.

He smirked. "I'm seriously here on vacation. You don't bother me; I don't bother you!" He tipped his hat and tunneled through the ground without another word.

"Well how about we leave him to _Detective _Remus Crux," Skulduggery said. Ghastly grunted in response, then looked out at the water. Fletcher was standing with water up to his waist, while Valkyrie had her feet in.

Fletcher was trying to coax her to come in farther, but she wouldn't budge. He threw his hands in the air in exasperation, and then trudged down farther into the ocean, so the water was up to his shoulders. Valkyrie looked back at the rest of her friends and observed what everyone was doing. Tanith had gone back to her sun bathing. Skulduggery was reading a very thick novel and Ghastly sat, staring at his scissors in disbelief that he forgot to bring cloth. She smiled at the three, and then turned to se if Fletcher had drowned yet. The smiled quickly dropped. She saw the shark fin slowly circle around a few yards off. It stopped, then turned towards Fletcher.

"Come on Valkyrie! There aren't any sharks here! They won't eat you," h e shouted.

Valkyrie pointed a shaky finger. "F-F-F-Fletcher!"

"Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to point?" he asked playfully. Valkyrie stared in disbelief as he turned back and didn't notice the shark fin. He shrugged and started swimming back to the shore. "Want to build a sandcastle?" he asked.

Valkyrie stared at him in disbelief. "Fletcher there was a shark behind you!"

He turned around. "Valkyrie, there's no shark," he said.

"I'm telling you there was a shark!"

"Whatever. Sandcastle?" Fletcher smiled and slyly looked over at Skulduggery. He had decided that now would be as good a time as any to meditate. Fletcher smirked and Valkyrie looked at him, slowly catching onto the idea.

"I'll get the shovel," she said.

"I'll get the bucket," Fletcher grinned. Valkyrie set to work in digging a hole in the sand, while Fletcher pulled Skulduggery closer. Tanith and Ghastly looked over at the two in curiosity.

"What are you doing?" Ghastly asked.

"Burying Skulduggery," Valkyrie responded.

He smiled. "Can we help?"

Tanith slowly sat and looked over her sunglasses. "Count me in too!" she said excitedly. She got up and joined the group in building the castle. Ghastly set to work on the moat, while Tanith helped bury Skulduggery in the sand. The four gathered water and filled up the four foot deep moat. Once that was done, they built the castle walls and added the details.

Fletcher stepped back to admire their work. "I think we did a pretty good job," he said. Everyone nodded. Valkyrie silently placed Skulduggery's hat on top of his skull, then bolted away in fear that he'd wake up. Fletcher then plopped down on the ground. Tanith and Ghastly sat down next to him.

"You know," Tanith smirked, "he's going to be so pissed when he wakes up."

Valkyrie nodded. "But he loves us too much!"

"Except for Fletcher," Ghastly muttered. Fletcher looked appalled and opened his mouth in argument, but closed it in defeat. They all settled into a comfortable silence, before there was a loud _whoosh_ and sand everywhere. The four turned around to stare as Skulduggery emerged from the sand and dusted himself off.

"I give you a nine out of ten for that entrance," Fletcher exclaimed. "The sand was a bit much. Other than that, it was pretty good."

Skulduggery huffed and picked up a handful of sand and dumped it on Valkyrie. "You deserve that for so many reasons," he said menacingly.

She smiled sweetly. "It was worth it!" The skeleton sighed and started to dig through the sand to find his hat. "Your hat is in the water, Skulduggery!" Valkyrie said and pointed towards the sea. Floating a few yards out was the traditional purple fedora. He growled and stalked out to sea to retrieve his hat.

Suddenly, a shark fin emerged from the water. Valkyrie screamed and everyone turned to her.

"Is there something wrong?" Ghastly asked slowly.

"A shark! There's a shark and it's going to eat Fletcher and Skulduggery!" she shrieked.

Tanith squinted her eyes to see where this 'shark' was. "Valkyrie," she muttered, "there's no shark. Are you feeling alright?"

"Of course!" Valkyrie yelled. "There's a shark and it's going to eat Skulduggery!"

"Well I'm fine," he said, coming back to join the group, "and Valkyrie, you're completely delusional."

Valkyrie grumbled and went to sit down under the umbrella. Skulduggery, meanwhile, was drying his hat off and himself.

"Cards anyone?" Tanith offered. They all nodded and played a few rounds of War. About an hour later, Fletcher looked out to the ocean and saw a dark mass washed up on the shore.

"Oh my gosh!" he shouted. "What is that?"

Tanith looked up. "I don't know. It's either a person or a baby whale. I really can't tell."

"Oh man," Skulduggery sighed and cautiously got up to the person. He grabbed his arm and hoisted him away from the water. "Scapegrace!" he shouted and slapped his face. "Wake up!"

In a matter of seconds, Scapegrace's eyes slowly started to open. "I'll kill you…" he murmured, "all of you…"

"Okay, sure…Valkyrie," he whispered, "open the trunk."

Valkyrie was already on her way. Fletcher however did not find this very amusing. " You can't do that to him!" he exclaimed. "He's a human being!"

" I beg to differ…" Tanith said in response.

Suddenly, Scapegrace bolted up right and sprinted towards Fletcher. In response, Fletcher simply moved out of the way. Scapegrace fell flat on his face and got a mouthful of sand. He quickly got to his feet and pulled out a gun.

"Don't move or I'll shoot!"

Tanith took a cautious step back while Ghastly took a step forward.

"Do you event know how to work a gun?" Ghastly replied.

"Of course I do!" he exclaimed. He pulled the trigger and nothing happened. "Damn gun…" Scapegrace mumbled. He looked up at Skulduggery, looked at the nonfunctioning gun, threw the gun in the air and ran for his life.

"Well, that takes care of that," Skulduggery said and resumed playing war. "Whose turn is it?"

It was starting to get dark outside.

"Okay guys, let's call it a day," Valkyrie said. "I vote we head back home using my map this time."

Fletcher glanced over at her. "You've been saying that ever since we got here."

"No, I agree with Val, we should be heading back now," Tanith said.

They slowly started to pack up all of their things. As Fletcher headed back to get the last of the umbrellas a seagull swooped down and attacked his ridiculous hair. He flailed around while Tanith laughed. Fletcher growled and shook his head and the Seagull flew finally away.

"Have I ever told you how much I despise birds…" Fletcher stated. Then suddenly the seagull flew back and took a crap on his head.

"OH MY GOD!!" he exclaimed "This is the worst vacation ever!!"

Everyone laughed.

The End

* * *

Um. Yeah.

So, this was a collab done with the girl who co-wrote chapter 21 here. She's awesome. She also recently got an account here and her name is **moecat433**. We also have plans to upload a story we're both working on together up to her account. It's still in the works, but we're almost down with the first chapter. Its plot will remain a secret :3

So we know this is completely random. No need to yell at us. Even though it's completely weird, we hope you enjoy this! And be sure to be on the lookout for the new story at some point! :DD

Sorry for mistakes!


	42. Buttface

**Warnings:** Sexual content (as in Valkyrie's _boobs_ and a small reference to a blowjob…)

* * *

**Skulduggery's POV**

No one should wear jeans that tight.

Even though tight jeans do look quite pleasing on almost anyone, I think it should be illegal for Valkyrie to have those jeans on.

And that shirt.

Not that she didn't look absolutely _fantastic_, it was just that…well. That shirt wasn't revealing, it was just low and tight. More cleavage was exposed (not that I minded) and it was very tight, revealing ever little bump and curve, if you catch what I mean. But again, not that I minded one bit.

If we were alone, or with Tanith and Ghastly or something like that, this probably wouldn't be bugging me as much.

But since it was just the two of us, and we were out in broad daylight, in the rather stingier part of town, I minded a lot. A _whole _lot.

It's been about four months since _we _began, and it's pretty bloody awesome, really. Though we argue like there is no tomorrow, we really do love each other. Valkyrie is still totally insane, but that's just fine. The only thing I hate is how she eats those damn oranges.

"Hey," she said suddenly, "are you alright?" I looked over at her beautiful face. She was so sweet.

"I'm fine," I said quietly. "Just thinking."

"That's not a good thing," she teased.

I punched her shoulder lightly. "Oh quiet you. If it weren't for me, we'd probably be in some evil guy's clutches right now. I'm such a good and quick thinker."

"Oh yeah," she smirked, "_so _smart."

And that's when we heard it.

Someone _wolf-whistled. _

Thinking about that, it's not that threatening.

In fact, it's not at all.

But my God it pissed me off so badly.

Valkyrie stopped in her tracks and turned around slowly. There was a semi-large group of boys, all wearing their pants down mid-thighs and big-ass shirts a few yards away. There were a few guys in regular jeans and regular shirts, but they still looked really creepy.

Valkyrie tossed her hair back over her shoulder. "May I help you, boys?" she asked sweetly. A little too sweetly. And when she does that, you know she's about to kick your ass.

One guy stepped up and away from the group. "How about you give me a blow," he said.

Okay, even _me_ (the oldie!), knows what he means by that.

"I'm sorry," Valkyrie smirked, "I have a history of choking on small things."

. . .

Damn.

Valkyrie can be _so _mean when she wants to.

The guy scowled and stomped closer to Valkyrie. I stepped up in front of her, but she squeezed my arm reassuringly. I turned to glare at her, but she was focused on the guy in front of us.

He had sandy blonde hair and dark brown eyes. "Excuse me," he said rudely and tried pushing Valkyrie down.

I snapped there.

I grabbed his wrist and pulled it hard behind his back, so if he were to move, it would cause excruciating pain.

"Try and touch her and I swear to God I will kill you right here, right now," I said in his ear. The guy struggled against my grip, and I threw him down on the ground. His group of lackeys all turned and high tailed it right out of here, with him following, stumbling all the way.

I crossed my arms and glared as they sprinted away. I could feel Valkyrie step up beside me. Her hand came to rest on my shoulder.

"You alright?" she asked quietly.

I nodded.

"You don't seem alright."

I shrugged.

"Please say something."

"Something."

She sighed and slapped my arm. "Buttface," she grumbled.

I turned to stare at her. "What did you just call me?" I asked incredulously.

"'Buttface!'" she said excitedly. "It's my favorite insult right now."

"So…Buttface? Really? That's not threatening," I said slowly.

"So?" she smiled. "It takes everyone by surprise. Did you expect me to call you a buttface? Didn't think so."

I nodded, and though it over. "True, but still. Why buttface?"

"Because it's funny. And plus it's mean. Would you want someone to compare your face to a butt?"

"Not really," I said, "but my face is too handsome to be compared to anything in the world."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right," she smirked and pulled on my arm. "Come on, we have to get going!"

She pulled me across the street and back onto the sidewalk, where we fell into step together.

"You know," Valkyrie said after a few moments of silence, "you didn't have to do that. I could have gotten rid of them."

"I know," I sighed. "It just made me so angry that some guy would say that."

She nodded. "Yeah, that was a bit gross."

"Definitely," I laughed dryly. "I blame your jeans."

"Hmm?"

"Those jeans are incredibly tight," I said and pointed to her leg.

She studied herself. "True," she said after a few moments, "but I love these jeans. And please tell me you didn't think I looked totally hot. I could so see it in your face."

"I have no face. How can you figure out what I'm thinking?" I accused.

"I'm amazing." She smirked and grabbed my hand. "You think I'm hot, you think I'm hot," she chanted.

I sighed. "Please, Valkyrie," I said matter-of-factly, "I find you very attractive. There's a total difference."

"No, not really."

"Attractive is more proper than hot," I explained. "So yes, there is a difference."

She nodded her head back and forth, weighing the options. "Meh. There isn't a difference."

I sighed. "Fine, believe what you want."

"Well I believe you believe I'm hot."

I sighed and rubbed my neck. "Hush you," I muttered. Valkyrie giggled and slipped her arm through mine. We kept walking until we came to a corner, then turned and headed down another street. We were met with the same group of guys as before. The guy who…advanced on Valkyrie before looked to be silently fuming, and had this really stupid murderous look in his eyes.

"Hell no," he muttered darkly. "There ain't no way you guys are back here. Get out." He pointed dramatically down the way we had just come. But Valkyrie just stood her ground.

"Do you own this street or something?" she asked sarcastically.

The guy sneered. "Actually," he said, "I do."

"How the hell does that work? You can't _own _a street!"

"Says who?" The man grinned wickedly like he was some cliché villain plotting the demise of his arch nemesis.

He looked pretty dumb, if you ask me.

One of the guys lackeys (who had somehow escaped my extra sharp senses) grabbed me from behind and pulled my arm back like I had done earlier. I sighed in frustration.

The main guy reached for Valkyrie, but she dodged him with a swift side step. He grunted in annoyance, then lashed out his giant foot and rammed Valkyrie in the shin. Her mouth opened slightly in pain, but she locked her jaw shut and promptly kicked him back…in a less than pleasant place.

The man's face contorted into pain as he fell down on his knees on the concrete sidewalk clutching his…area. He gasped in pain, then swung his hand out to grab Valkyrie's ankle. She jumped in the air and then stomped on his hand. He howled with pain. He got up quickly, and was followed by his lackeys and they scampered off and away towards the horizon.

"Well," Valkyrie grinned, "hopefully they'll piss off and leave us the hell alone."

"That would be nice," I added and rubbed my bones in my arm. "Leg?" Valkyrie frowned and lifted her pant leg up. There was a large purple bruise already beginning to form on her shin. She shrugged and pulled her pant leg down again. I watched her bend down to readjust her boots and seriously got an eyeful of cleavage.

Holy Jeezums.

It was kind of hot.

Not that I'm a pervert or anything, but good Lord. Valkyrie had nice breasts, let's just leave it at that.

She stood back up and grinned slyly. "If only I had a picture of you right now. You could see how much you resemble a horny teenager."

"I am _nothing _like a horny teenager, Valkyrie Cain," I said sternly. "Do not compare me to that again."

She shrugged and started walking again. "Fine, fine," she smirked. "You don't look like a teenager, just a horny person in general."

I glared in what I hope was threatening.

It did absolutely nothing.

Damn that girl. She must have created some big shield to protect against my glares. My glares work on almost anyone.

"Come on, then," she called. "We have to get going!"

I nodded shortly and walked up to her, holding my arm out for her to take. She slipped her arm inside and grinned.

"You're a buttface, you know that?" I asked her.

She just smiled. And that made me realize that this woman was completely crazy. But that was just fine by me. I loved her, buttface-d craziness and all.

* * *

Buttface is _my _favorite insult now. People need to have more buttface conversations. It's just such a requirement.

So, I'm really sorry this is long and dumb, but I semi like it.

Sorry for mistakes and danke for reading!!

:DD


	43. Valkyrie

So this idea came to me when I was thinking about Skul and Val's…_wedding night_. I thought about doing it, but decided not to.

BUT! Along comes **AutumnPromises **who left the review that fueled my (very) perverted mind. She suggested _something_ about naked Valkyrie, so I figured what the hell. I'm going to write this.

**This will not include any lemons or anything (good God I couldn't write that at all) and will most likely use the less offensive words to describe…the body parts. I don't really feel **_**comfortable **_**with going into detail. But it'll be rather intimate. I can't really tell how it'll turn out knowing me…

* * *

**

Skulduggery Pleasant had only recently rediscovered his love of showers.

That may seem odd, but he remembered how good the hot water could feel after the long days at the Sanctuary. He hadn't really needed to take showers as a skeleton for nothing ever caused him to smell, his bones didn't get oily and gross, and anything that got on him was easily removed with his magic.

But now that Kenspeckle had given him those magical pills, he took a load more showers.

More often was he accompanied by Valkyrie which he loved even more.

She was beautiful in absolutely every way. She had the prettiest face with the prettiest eyes and fullest, pinkest lips. Her neck was long and fair-skinned. Her whole body was pale, not tan or anything. Her skin wasn't an unhealthy pale, but it just made it seem like she would rather stay hidden in the house all day.

Skulduggery had marveled at her collar bones. It seemed cheesy, but they made the shape of it perfect. Valkyrie had small, but still broad shoulders. Her arms weren't quite as muscular as Tanith's but they still looked amazing.

Then. Her _chest_. And Skulduggery was not ashamed to admit that he loved her breasts. Valkyrie was only in her middle twenties, so nothing had happened to them. They were round and full. His eyes tended to fill with greed whenever he saw them, just waiting for him to take them up and touch them.

Valkyrie never wore very revealing tops, as she said they were uncomfortable, but many of the t-shirts she wore were old and fit _very _snugly around her. It left much to the imagination, which almost drove the former skeleton up a wall.

Valkyrie Cain had abs. They weren't rock hard or overly done, just they were there. They didn't stand out very much, but Skulduggery sure as hell noticed them. All that training by Tanith and Ghastly had paid off _unbelievably_ nicely, really.

Her hips were beautiful. As most women complained about how large and huge they were (Valkyrie's weren't in the slightest), Valkyrie didn't say a word. In those rare moods she'd complain slightly, but Skulduggery reassured her she was fine the way she was. He was just amazing like that. They curved softly, making her body even more appealing.

Her very center, _her core_, was something he had not explored thoroughly yet. He'd seen it multiple times, ready for him to get up into her. He loved the feeling of her warm insides around him. Their first few times together were a little strange, since they'd known each other for so long. But as the next few weeks went by, both had gotten more and more comfortable with each other.

No, they did not go at it like drunken bunnies, but the first few nights were too much. Neither could resist the feel of each other, the touch, or the smell. Skulduggery loved playing with Valkyrie's long dark hair as she laid comfortably up against him. It was soft and silky and contained no knots at all.

He remembered waking up from their first night, with her flush on top of him. Her head was laying directly where his heart beat slowly. His heart was not normal, since there had been no heart in him for the past few centuries. There had been nothing inside of him, as a matter of fact. But, for seventeen hours at a time, he had those organs.

Her legs were thin and strong. Valkyrie was once a swimmer, so they had build. And from all that training she had endured over the years, they had thinned out quite a bit. They were not skinny little sticks, but they were not huge either. Skulduggery thought she was just perfectly proportioned.

He felt her arms go around his neck and twirl around his wet hair.

"What are you looking at?" she asked over the sound of the shower head running.

"Just you," he smirked and leaned in to kiss her.

* * *

Meh. I had some fun with this though. It was pretty easy to write, since I didn't have to think of any dialogue. Aaaanyways. PLEASE tell me if I should ever write something dirty (as flaring rhythm requested). I have an idea for another story, but other things shall be done before I write the first couple chapters. I might add the first one and leave it at that till I finish my other story and blah, blah, blah. . . But I would really like your feedback. Really.

OKAY. SO. I hope I didn't, like, gross you out anything. That would be sad D: And if I did, I apologize profusely. And if I didn't gross you out, awesome. Score for me. I hope you liked it and thank you for much for reading! :D


	44. New Year's

Idea came from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother.' It's totally my new favorite show.

I swear my fingers are numb. My house is so freakin' cold right now.

* * *

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"What are you arguing about?" Tanith interrupted. She looked between Skulduggery and Valkyrie.

"Skulduggery won't let me do any poppers!" Valkyrie whined. "It's New Year's Eve! It's a _requirement_ to do some poppers!"

"I'm old and those things hurt my ears," Skulduggery argued back. "They are the most obnoxious and stu-"

_POP!_

"Fletcher!" he yelled at the teleporter beside him.

Fletcher grinned. "I agree with Valkyrie. Poppers are necessary. As is alcohol. Good thing we're all well over a hundred." He shot off another popper and dodged a punch from Skulduggery. He went to the kitchen, and returned a moment later with five glasses and Ghastly carrying a bottle of champagne.

"What time is it?" Ghastly asked as he popped off the cork.

"It's 11:50," Valkyrie answered. Tanith squealed and started jumping up and down in excitement. She grinned and took a glass of champagne from Ghastly.

"How about we go up to the roof?" she suggested. There were nods of agreement all around. She smiled and bounded up the stairs to Valkyrie's bedroom, where she opened up the window and scaled the wall and swung her body up onto the room. Fletcher materialized next to her, and soon, Valkyrie, Skulduggery, and Ghastly all floated up to join them. Valkyrie laughed as Fletcher let off a few more poppers, which resulted in a kick to the foot from Skulduggery. Tanith started squealing excitedly again when the watch Fletcher had brought up turned to 11:59.

"Hey," she said, "we need people to kiss!" Everyone stared blankly at her. "Haven't you ever kissed someone on New Year's?"

Valkyrie nodded her head. "Twice, but there's Fletcher and Skulduggery left and I am not choosing one."

"What about me?" Ghastly asked innocently.

"Tanith will take you," Skulduggery answered for her. She nodded and grinned. Suddenly, there was a small beeping, coming from their feet.

It was midnight.

Tanith smiled widely and jumped across to kiss Ghastly. Valkyrie held her glass up to Fletcher's and Skulduggery's. She gave them both pointed looks. The boys held up their glasses, and soon Tanith and Ghastly joined them.

"May we have a not crappy year," Fletcher said happily.

"May we all not die," Tanith grinned.

"May we all stay happy," Ghastly added.

"May we all stay together," Valkyrie said.

"And may we all fall in love," Skulduggery said last. They all touched their glasses together, and each one took a sip, minus Skulduggery. Ghastly looked across the way and noticed a few fireworks going off in the sky. They all grinned and sat down to watch.

"So," Valkyrie whispered to Skulduggery, "what about that falling in love thing?" She blushed, finally realizing the question she was asking.

The skeleton merely shrugged. "You never know, Valkyrie," he muttered back and leaned in to kiss her.

* * *

Cute? Yes? No? Maybe so?

Now, I googled the way the Irish celebrate New Year's and it's different than the way I celebrate it (me, being the obnoxious American). I just wanted to do it like this. So…sorry to the Irish here for semi-ignoring your traditions. I wuvs you!

Aaaand haaave you met Ted?

:DDD


	45. Whirring

We switched out our 4th period classes for school recently, and I'm in a sewing class now. It's kind of cool, except I don't really like my class. They're all dumb.

But, we were getting used to the sewing machines and the idea came to me :3

* * *

Ghastly Bespoke always loved the whirring of his sewing machine. It helped take his mind off of things, which came in handy when he became too stressed over the end of the world. The end of the world seemed to happen too often for him and his friends.

_Whir…Whir…Whir…_

He hadn't had the chance to sit down and actually _work_. He had been a bloody statue for two years! He missed out two years of everyone's lives. Skulduggery and Valkyrie (who had grown and matured quite a lot) filled him in, but it just wasn't the same as actually being there. He missed the action. He missed the adventure. He loved the adventure.

Tanith told him about the business she had done for the London Sanctuary. How she thought they were completely delusional and had no idea what they were talking about. Though he would never admit it, Ghastly thought she was pretty cute when she got fired up at the latest thing the Head Detective had done. She was very beautiful, but he didn't see a chance for him. Ever.

Ghastly shifted in his seat and pressed down on the foot pedal. He eased the fabric across the machine and watched the needle stab at the cloth over and over again. He went and did some backstitches, then quickly went back into a straight line. He reached the corner, lifted up the presser foot, pivoted the fabric, and then began sewing again.

_Whir…Whir…Whir…_

His mind wandered again. It bounced all up and down in his scarred head, picking out little memories he had remembered suddenly.

Like his mother telling about the vision she had of the dark haired and clothed girl getting killed. His initial reaction was sadness. Why would this girl have to die? His mother couldn't tell how old she was, but she seemed a younger woman. She never told him how she had died, but she had died in a painful way nonetheless. And he did automatically know it was the girl his mother had seen when he first met Valkyrie.

She was a stubborn ass. How could one person defy so many people? She was asked to stay and remained safe. But she _never _listened. Ghastly figured that's why she would get killed. Skulduggery would tell her to stay and to get out of harm's way, but she wouldn't listen. She would rush head first into battle like he'd been told she's done…and die.

_Whir…Whir…Whir…_

His machine jammed. He sighed softly and stood up and examined the fabric he had been sewing. It was something for the Fletcher boy. It was a dark blue jacket, light blue undershirt, and black jeans. He always had to make things complicated.

Ghastly stopped his work and stared at his machine. It was brown and old. From the 1800s. It was a wonder it still worked. He shook his head. He shouldn't be thinking about these things. He had more important things to do. Like…well nothing came to mind, but he had to do _something_ or else he was sure he'd go mad.

He looked up and watched as Tanith and Valkyrie crept around the room, giggling and whispering. They smiled warmly at him, then sprinted right past him. He grinned on the inside, then sat back down. He took the pair of rusty old scissors and began cutting up the loose strings.

Funny story about the scissors. Well, he thought, it wasn't exactly funny, but amusing. A magical criminal had tried to kill him with those scissors. He had snuck into Ghastly's shop one night at around three in the morning, picked up the scissors, then started rooting through everything. Ghastly, being an obnoxiously light sleeper, heard him instantly. He dressed quickly, then meandered into the sewing room. The criminal was there, scissors in hand. He gasped when he say Ghastly, sprinted towards him, and jammed the scissors into his right bicep.

Needless to say, it stunned Ghastly.

He thought he was better and couldn't get hurt by a little criminal like him. Well apparently he could. Of course, he had survived and the criminal was caught a few days later. It was just a stab in his arm. But another scar…

He heard a floorboard creak near him and he looked up. Tanith and Valkyrie had returned and were carrying two huge bowls full of flour. They smirked and pressed their fingers to their lips. Ghastly smirked, nodded, then returned to his sewing. The familiar bell he had grown up with for all his life chimed a few times as the door opened and shut. He stopped his machine and listened for the shrieks that would no doubt come.

"_Hey!"_ came a familiar voice. He looked up just in time to see Skulduggery chasing Valkyrie and Tanith down the streak, completely caked in flour. Ghastly Bespoke smiled and sighed, then began his work again.

_Whir…Whir__…Whir…

* * *

_

Meh. Just a quickie. I'm sorry it's been a while since I updated! My inspiration rain is in drought season apparently, as I'm sorta dead for ideas. But I've got a few…like…_prom_. Hot damn! Anyways, not my favorite thing, but I just like Ghastly. He's such a sweetie.

:D Thanks for reading, ya'll!


	46. Ties

So, I'm going to be Harry Potter for Halloween (even though I'm a girl). My mom and I went shopping for costumes and we found a really kick-ass Gryffindor tie.

Tying ties is incredibly hard, btw.

* * *

Valkyrie heard her husband swear a few times from upstairs. She put the book she was reading down and stood up, straightening the tight green dress she was wearing. Valkyrie tottered up the grand staircase in Gordon's mansion in her heels and found Skulduggery in the bedroom. He was standing in front of a mirror, trying to tie his tie.

"Hey you," she murmured and spun him around gracefully. "Why the sad face, love?"

"I have no face," he grumbled and turned to stare into the mirror. He grabbed the ends of his tie and tried folding one end over the other, then refolding them, then finally yanking the fabric off his neck. Valkyrie reached out and turned him again. She took the silk tie and placed it around his bony neck.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly. Her eyes looked down at his shaking gloved hands. "Skulduggery Pleasant are you nervous about something?"

He sighed and rubbed his hands together. "Yes," he finally admitted.

"Ah." Valkyrie paused and mouthed a few words, then continued with the tie. "May I ask why you're nervous?"

He didn't respond.

"If you're nervous because of this stupid Sanctuary thing tonight I'll have to slap you."

He sighed and nodded slowly. Valkyrie stopped tying the tie and slapped him across the face lightly. He laughed slightly.

"Honey," she cooed, "why are you so worked up about this? We go to this thing every year and always get kicked out early because you end up insulting Guild and Crux. I don't mind of course, I hate this thing. But, seriously," she paused and mouthed a few more words, "why are you so nervous?"

"I'm afraid Crux's going to cause a scene…" he mumbled.

"Why would he cause a scene?"

"Because I know that's he's _still _suspicious as to why we went to London randomly last October. He comes up with all these strange ideas. But he still hasn't figured out the real reason. I think he may have recently."

Valkyrie stepped away, with a confused expression on her face. "Are you saying that Crux is actually smart enough to figure out we got married, even though we barely show affection towards each other when he's around? Are you saying that Crux has a _brain_?"

Skulduggery chuckled. "I think that is exactly what I'm saying, Val," he sighed.

"Well some of the other mages know. Why are you so worried?"

"He'll storm up to me, start yelling random things, pointing fingers, you'll run up and kick him-"

"Damn right."

"-and he'll make some comment about my first wife…" He trailed off and turned his gaze to the floor.

"Well Remus Crux is a son of a bitch who does not deserve your attention. If you want, I can jump on your back and I can just stay attached to you all night so if he does come up, I'll be there to kill him," Valkyrie suggested.

Skulduggery sighed and tilted his head up so Valkyrie could play with his tie more. "As good as a plan that is, I think I'll pass." Valkyrie pouted. "Maybe for half the night. Everyone knows you're basically a four year old, so they wouldn't think it that weird."

Valkyrie grinned and poked her tongue out. "There," she finally said, "it's tied." She spun Skulduggery around to looked in the mirror. He straightened his tie and smoothed it out.

"Where did you learn to tie ties?" he asked softly.

Valkyrie shrugged. "I just picked it from my mom. She'd tie my dad's ties all the time, since he'd have to sit their and think where he left something last. It's pretty easy." She smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Ready to go?"

He nodded and slipped her arm in his and led the way down the stairs, to the Bentley, and to the Sanctuary.

**A Few Short Hours Later**

Valkyrie stood with a clump of tissues around her bleeding hand. She winced when Tanith picked the tissues up and removed bits of glass from them. They noticed Ghastly and Skulduggery stumble out the doors, followed by China.

"I can't believe you got kicked out again, Skulduggery," China sighed.

"Well when Crux is involved, everyone loses their temper," he responded and quickly rushed up to Valkyrie. "You alright?"

She shrugged. "I broke a window with my hand, but I broke Crux's nose, so it's okay now." She grinned and let Skulduggery examine her hand. "It's late," she said again, "and I don't want to bother Kenspeckle. Can we just go home?"

He nodded and they all said their goodbyes to their friends, and they stepped into the Bentley. He let the engine purr to life and they pulled away from the curb.

"Valkyrie," he said after a few minutes of silence, "why in the world did you need to attack him like that?"

"I saw him look so haughty and smart, like he knew everything in the whole world. So I ran up and punched him."

"Correction," Skulduggery said, "you punched a window."

"But then I elbowed him in the face."

"True, and I love you even more that."

"It's impossible to not love me," she grinned and leaned over and kissed him lightly. He smiled softly through his skeletal features.

They arrived back at Gordon's house a few minutes later, and they rushed in to fix Valkyrie's hand up. Skulduggery washed it with warm water, then cleaned it, and placed a thick bandage over it.

"Actually Valkyrie," he said casually, "there is one great thing about tonight."

"And what is that?"

"That my tie didn't come loose at all during all the commotion tonight," he said excitedly and tugged on it slightly.

Valkyrie laughed. She moved her hand around a bit before placed it into Skulduggery's. "Well then how about we go up and see if we can get your tie off or not," she whispered where his ear would be.

He smirked and picked her up bridal style, and carried her upstairs.

* * *

CURSE YOU ENDINGS.

I liked the idea, but I just couldn't make it work. Sorry about that. So, yeah, this kinda sucks, and I apologize for that as well, but I still hope you (sorta) liked it! I've got more ideas that I will be working really hard to get done! :D And sorry for mistakes!


	47. Human Again

**Read "Conquering America: One State at a Time" because it's partly mine and totally awesome. Seriously. And please review it! :D

* * *

**

"Skulduggery," Kenspeckle said gruffly, "here." He held out a small plastic box. Skulduggery tilted his head, then took the box and shook it around.

"Oh it's not poison!" the professor grumbled. "Just take it, go to the bathroom, and read the instructions."

"Um. What the hell is it, professor?" Skulduggery asked doubtfully, hearing a rattling sound as he shook the box again.

"It's cocaine," he answered.

Across the room, Valkyrie rushed up to them. "What about cocaine?"

"Kenspeckle's giving me cocaine," Skulduggery replied happily.

"Well use it sparingly," Valkyrie scolded him. "I want some too!" She grinned and examined the box. "What is it?"

"Cocaine!" Kenspeckle answered loudly. "Now go and take some already!" He literally pushed Skulduggery out the door and went back to refilling test tubes.

"So…" Valkyrie said slowly. "What exactly did you give to him? If it really is cocaine, that's sort of funny, but still."

"Just wait," he replied absentmindedly. Valkyrie sighed and sat down on one of the counters. She fiddled with a beaker, until there was a loud crash. Her head snapped up and she began to rush out the door, but Kenspeckle told her to stop.

"Be patient. He's fine. He'll be out here in a second," the professor said. He looked up at Valkyrie, who looked like she couldn't decide whether to run out or stay. "Trust me, Valkyrie," he said again.

She finally nodded and stood still. Her head turned sharply at the sound of running footsteps. She shrieked when the lab doors burst open, and a man sprinted through.

"What the hell did you do to me!?" the man shrieked. He tripped on the tiles and grabbed Kenspeckle by the arms.

"Spectacular," he muttered as he studied the man in front of him. He took his hand and poked the man's face a few times, then scribbled something down on a piece of paper.

"Kenspeckle!" the man yelled angrily. "What the hell have you done!?"

"I just gave you the pills, Mr. Pleasant. It was technically my friend in France who did it. I'll give you his number so you can call and complain."

"I don't want to call and complain, I want to celebrate and have a beer, but first, what the hell did you do!?" he shouted.

"I'll explain when you let go of me, Mr. Pleasant."

He let go of Kenspeckle's arms and stepped back and took a breath. He clenched his fists up and let them go as the professor wrote something down again.

"Go say hi to Valkyrie," Kenspeckle mumbled and pointed lazily. The man gasped and turned sharply on his heel and rushed up to Valkyrie, grabbed her arms, and kissed her. Valkyrie stood frozen, until she realized this man was kissing her. She pushed him away sharply.

The man frowned, then nodded his head and smiled. "Hey there," he whispered. "Apparently that wasn't cocaine."

Valkyrie rose an eyebrow. "So…you're…"

"Yeah," he whispered again. "I'm me." Valkyrie smiled and brought her hands up to feel his face. He had pale skin, like the color of coffee with _way _too much cream and sugar in it. His eyes were a vibrant green and shone brightly, while his midnight colored hair went down his neck and covered half of his face. Valkyrie removed his hat and tossed it to the side and ran her hands and fingers through his hair.

"Wow," she finally said. "Not bad."

Skulduggery Pleasant scoffed. "Of course. I'm incredibly handsome."

"Kenspeckle," Valkyrie peered around Skulduggery's shoulder, "could you're French friend give him something to shrink that big ass ego of his?"

"I'll ask him," he called back. She turned back to Skulduggery, and noticed he was frowning. Suddenly, he smiled.

"I haven't frowned in so long!" he said happily.

Valkyrie laughed. "I'm so proud of you, dear," she grinned and kissed him softly. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her back hard. Valkyrie threw her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer. She ran her hands through his hair, until there was an impatient cough from behind them. They stopped their face-suckage and faced Kenspeckle. His face a mix between confusion, anger, and horror.

"I didn't ever want to see that, thank you very much," he mumbled and went behind Skulduggery and pushed him into a chair. He felt his pulse, nodded curtly, then directed him to remove his shirt. Skulduggery looked at him strangely.

"Seriously?" he asked as he fumbled with his shirt buttons. "Why?"

"Because I need to listen to your lungs," Kenspeckle said. Skulduggery nodded and removed his shirt and threw it on the chair next to him. He shouted when he felt the cold metal of the stethoscope on his back.

"Relax would you?" Kenspeckle growled.

"It's a sensation altogether new to me, thank you very much, professor," he replied back. He sighed and shuddered against the cold metal again and looked up at Valkyrie. She had a shy smile on and was blushing slightly.

"What's wrong then, Valkyrie?" he asked with playfulness in his voice.

"Nothing, nothing," she grinned and went to sit next to him. "How does skin feel again?"

"Was it always this weird? I feel like I'm wearing a really tight coat. It's awkward," he responded.

"Well," Kenspeckle said matter-of-factly. "It's not permanent. Each pill lasts for seventeen hours and after the seventeenth hour is up, you'll start to feel a strange tingling feeling. It's tested and the man who developed this said it started in the feet and slowly worked its way up, and then _poof_, your skin is gone. Any questions?"

"Do I have regular organs?"

"Yes, a heart, lungs, kidney, liver, stomach, the whole she-bang."

"So…I can have a beer?" His face was like a little boy on Christmas.

"Yes," Kenspeckle laughed, "you can have a beer."

He turned to Valkyrie and tried his best at a puppy dog face. "Please?" He folded his hands up.

Valkyrie shrugged. "I have no alcohol in the house, so we have to go get some. And don't you dare make me have any."

"It never crossed my mind."

She smiled and stood up. "Well get dressed and let's go." He grinned and threw his shirt on, hastily doing the buttons and putting his jacket on. He was grinning wildly.

Valkyrie pushed him out the door, laughing as he started rambling on all the things he would eat and do now. He suddenly paused, kissed Valkyrie hard, then bolted from the door. She smiled at Kenspeckle and chased after him.

Kenspeckle Grouse slapped his forehead. "What have I done?"

* * *

Sorry for the dumb ending. Now I don't believe that Skulduggery is a beer person, but he's allowed. And I have this notion that Valkyrie can't hold her alcohol at all. Like she gets drunk really fast. I dunno. Um...yeah. Go read that story!!

:D Sorry for mistakes!


	48. Cold Feet

Wedding chapter, as requested by the ever lovely **LittleMissSkull** :D Hope it meets your standards! :D And everyone should go and love her…..Just saying.

**Read "Conquering America: One State at a Time" because it's partly mine and totally awesome. Seriously. And please review it! :D

* * *

**

Fletcher knocked on the door to Gordon's study. "Ready Valkyrie?" he asked softly.

No answer.

"Well you sure as hell better be ready," he said louder this time. "We've been waiting for a billion hours. I hope you're-" Suddenly, the door swung open and hand reached out and grabbed him by the shirt collar. Valkyrie yanked him into the study sharply and kicked the door closed.

"Valkyrie? Are you alright?" he asked, placing his hands on her shoulders. He studied her up and down.

Valkyrie Cain was wearing a _dress_. A _wedding _dress at that. Today was the day she was to married to Skulduggery Pleasant. Everyone was incredibly excited, but Skulduggery refused to show it. Even China couldn't help but scream like a girl when she found out they were engaged.

"Fletcher," Valkyrie growled suddenly, "I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to do this."

"W-What?" he stuttered and his mouth hung open. "Are you freaking kidding me?"

"No, no, no…" Valkyrie sighed and placed a hand atop her head. "I'm just nervous…"

Fletcher mimicked her sigh. He scratched his head, staring at her, all ready to go. Valkyrie was wearing the wedding dress Ghastly had made her as a present. It hugged Valkyrie's body tightly and flowed out at the feet. At the bottom and top were satin black strips of cloth and it was gathered around the knees. Tanith put little crystal flowers through her dark hair, and they shone brightly in the early October afternoon light. It was strapless and showed off more cleavage than she was truly comfortable with.

"Why are you? You're absolutely gorgeous!" Fletcher said, trying to sound excited.

Valkyrie shrugged. "Yeah, whatever, but being pretty doesn't take away the disgusting I'm-going-to-throw-up feeling in my stomach right now. I feel awful. And this makeup is wearing my face down."

"You seriously only have blush, that eyelash stuff, and lip stuff on," Fletcher pointed out.

"Exactly," she frowned. "Fletcher, don't make me do this," she whispered.

"Valkyrie," he cooed and placed a hand on her cheek, "I've never been married nor have I come close to it, but I can try and understand you. I get how you're so freaked out. This is probably scary."

"Damn right," she muttered.

"But, Valkyrie, I swear to God if you don't go down there and marry that God-annoying skeleton I will kill you. It's painfully obvious how much you love each other."

He paused to look at her.

"Please don't make me go further. That was painful already. I don't know how much sap I can take…"

Valkyrie giggled slightly. She looked up to say something, when she noticed a note slip through the door. Fletcher went to pick it up and he opened it, but noticed that the front said if someone other than Valkyrie read it, they would be a dead man. He tossed the note to Valkyrie who laughed.

She unfolded it and instantly recognized the handwriting.

_Valkyrie,_

_Hello there. What are you doing? Talking to Gordon? He should really shut up every once and a while. Same with Fletcher. If he's just yakking on and on, slap him. Then slap him again for me since I can't see you yet and he'd be with you. Unless he's talking about something worth listening to…which isn't very likely, I'll admit, but it could happen. Maybe you're talking to Ghastly, since I don't see him anywhere. Oh…wait. There he is. Nevermind. The reason I'm rambling is because I know that when you read this, you'll imagine my amazingly smooth voice reading it, and everyone loves the sound of my voice. _

_Tanith won't be quiet. Same with Kenspeckle. They keep picking on me and threatening to steal me away…because apparently I'm not allowed to marry you. They're crazy, so I'm trying my best to ignore them. But when Tanith is standing and reading over my shoulder, it gets harder to ignore, no? Ha, she left. Thank goodness. I promise there is a purpose to this note._

_The purpose may or may not be me telling you to relax. Valkyrie Cain, I, as Skulduggery Pleasant, know you too well. I know that you are still up in Gordon's study (or at least the house; the last I heard you were in the study) and you are totally freaking out right now. But, just to let you know (in case you faint because Fletcher or Gordon isn't making it any better) I love you. I completely love you with my (non-existent) heart. Of course, if you decide to let me come up there and actually see you that'd be fantastic. I haven't seen you all day and it's incredibly depressing. I debated sneaking into the house early this morning, but you were still asleep, and I could see the bag the dress was in, so I just left. Yes, stalker; creeper, I know. _

_But Valkyrie, I love you. Know this and memorize it. I love you. Oh God, Tanith is back…Maybe she'll deliver this for me_……

_~Skulduggery_

"Wow," Valkyrie finally said. "That was very interesting. But still completely pointless."

Fletcher laughed. "It's Skulduggery after all." He paused and looked at her. "Are you alright now?"

Valkyrie took a deep breath, pulled the top of her dress up her chest more, straightened the crystals in her hair, and grabbed her bouquet. "Yes," she smiled. Fletcher grinned back and he grabbed her arm and led her downstairs to the back door. Ghastly, Tanith, China, and Mr. Bliss were waiting by the backdoor. Tanith waved her arms about wildly, grinning at Valkyrie.

"Are you sure you don't want to go drinking really fast before this?" she offered, still grinning. "Skulduggery won't mind."

"I would," Fletcher muttered. Tanith elbowed him and motioned for Ghastly to step out into the back yard. He slipped out quietly, then returned a few moments with a piece of paper in his hands. He handed it to Valkyrie. She chuckled and opened it.

_Valkyrie, _

_We're seriously going to get married, huh? This is kind of amazing. I wrote this after I sent you that other note, because I knew that'd you come down. I know you too well, darling. Know this and don't you try and deny it! But I still love you. Remember that, so when we're eight hundred years old, we can find this note at some point and laugh at how dumb and in love I sounded. Of course, you'll probably make fun of me no matter what, so nevermind. Anyway, I hope to see you in a few minutes. Wow. That sounded really bad. _

_~Skulduggery_

Valkyrie smiled and placed the note on a nearby table.

"Ready?" Fletcher asked, smiling, holding his arm out. Valkyrie asked and grabbed it. Tanith and Ghastly hugged her and went out first. China and Bliss followed, who both attempted a hug, but it was rather awkward. Fletcher grinned and hugged her and kissed his cheek and he led her outside. She could feel everyone's eyes on her, but she was only looking at the skeleton at the end of the aisle.

She smiled and knew this was right.

* * *

Ahh. Done! Score! Well, would you guys want me to do a follow up chapter? Because there ain't a whole lot of wedding in this, and I have a few more ideas, but not a lot. If you want a follow up bit, ya gotta give me ideas.

And also, you guys watch Glee? Because the soundtrack is the greatest thing ever and it's so fantastic and it just gets me pumped up and I loooooves it! :DD

Anyway, sorry for mistakes!


	49. Helping China

I had this thought one day….

And cute, fluffy Chinduggery-ness was born…=D

There's some language, kiddies!

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant knocked for the third time of the cherry wood door leading to China's library. He groaned and turned to leave, until the door opened.

"No one was in the library to hear the door, Mr. Pleasant," the thin man said quietly. He looked tired. "But please come in. Miss Sorrows said she wanted to see you a few days ago and never got to call you in."

He stepped aside and let Skulduggery pass. The thin man walked on through shelves and shelves of books, with Skulduggery following, and finally stopped at another cherry wood door.

"Wait here," he instructed and disappeared through the room. He returned a few moments later. "I'm sorry, but Miss Sorrows will see no one right now."

"I just need to ask her a simple, minute question," Skulduggery protested. "Can't I just do that?"

"Miss Sorrows will see no one right now," the thin man said firmly.

"China will always see me," Skulduggery replied happily and tried pushing past the man. But he swung his arm out and stopped the skeleton.

"You are not permitted in there," he growled.

Skulduggery remained calm. "No, China will be fine with it." He tried pushing past him again.

"Oh for God's sake!" they hear China shout from the room. "Just let him in before I kill you both."

The thin man released his grip on Skulduggery and allowed him entrance to the room. He cautiously opened the door and peered inside.

He could see pants and shirts and skirts all littered across the floor. Tissues and boxes of cold medicine were on top of them. He looked up at China's large bed, and there she was.

China Sorrows was sitting with her arms folded across her chest. She had a plain, gray t-shirt on. Her black hair was frizzed and stuck out at odd angles. Her face was pale and her eyes were hard and cold.

"China…you look awful," he finally said after a few moments.

"No shit, Sherlock," she snapped. "No need to tell me how ugly I look."

"You're not ugly," he muttered and stepped further into the room. "You just look tired and…" He searched for the word.

"Sick? Try sick, you ass." She groaned and coughed into her arm. "I've only been sick twice in my life. I was only, like, 100. I can't afford to get sick."

"Oh you'll be in bed for the next few days, so what?"

"So what?" she screeched. "_So what_? I have so much work to do! I need to catalogue boxes full of books! That's going to put me so behind! I won't be able to get back to the Sanctuary about a book they requested! I. Can't. Get. Sick."

"Well, China," he said and walked towards her. He stopped beside her and removed his disguise and placed it on the nightstand. "It seems you'll need to rest up to get better. Do not get out of this bed. Only for necessities."

"You may not eat, but we, as the living, still do," she snapped and turned away from him.

"China Sorrows shut up and stop being a whining brat."

She turned back. "What did you just call me? Skulduggery, that is not what you should have said."

"Get your lackey to bring you food. Valkyrie does that to me," he continued.

China rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine. What did you want to ask me?" She pursed her lips, but suddenly sneezed loudly and groaned. She became aware of Skulduggery sitting next to her. She became more aware of his skeletal hand on her forehead, then her cheeks.

"You feel hot," he mumbled and got up and went searching around the room.

"Bathroom, bottom draw, yellow box," she muttered and pointed to another door in the corner of the room. Skulduggery nodded and disappeared through the door, and he returned a few moments with a thermometer in hand.

He clicked it on and held it out to China. She begrudgingly took it and popped it into her mouth, a scowl in her face. It beeped a few moments later and Skulduggery removed it and examined the numbers.

"99.6," he announced and placed it on the table. "Tylenol?"

"Ty-what?"

"Tylenol? Ibuprofen? Any fever reducing medication?"

"The right corner." China pointed in the general direction. He sifted through a pale yellow dress and one red stiletto heel, until he found a little white bottle. He popped open the cap and handed the pills to China.

She swallowed them with the scowl on her face. "I hate you," she pronounced.

Skulduggery nodded. "The feeling is mutual. Have this." He handed her a bottle of liquid.

"What is it?" she asked, eyeing the medicine carefully.

"Poison. It'll help you get better. Here," he said and poured the correct amount into a little cup. He handed to China, who drank it slowly. She dropped the plastic cup and gagged.

"That stuff if awful!" she shouted. "Who the hell would make such awful tasting stuff!?" She wiped her mouth with her arm and spat into a nearby trashcan. "It was like…puke," she said slowly. "I will get someone to kill you."

"Good to know." He put the bottle away and disappeared through the room. He returned a few moments later with a book in his hands. "Now sleep."

"I just woke up."

"I don't care. Sleep." He pointed a bony finger at her and stared her down. She stared straight back.

"There is no winning this, Pleasant," she smirked evilly.

Skulduggery shrugged. "Try me, Sorrows."

She paused. "Cheater," she said and snuggled down into her bed. Skulduggery would have grinned and he sat down into the chair next to her bed and read.

China awoke a few hours later. She was groggy and her hair was still a mess. She looked over at Skulduggery in the chair, still reading.

"What are you still doing here?"

"I'm taking care of you," he said.

China paused and let that sink in. "Why?"

"Because you're sick."

"_You _are the person I'd least expect to take care of me."

"Would you expect Tanith to do so?"

"No," she answered, smirking, "that's just insane. That's weirder than you."

He chuckled and put his book down. "Hungry?"

"Not especially," she replied, stretching out her arms. "I do feel better."

"Probably since I'm here," he said.

"I seriously doubt that, Skulduggery."

"Believe what you want."

"I shall."

There was an awkward silence, until China sneezed. Skulduggery said, "bless you," then stood around awkwardly.

"Well, I should be going," he said finally. "Call me and let me know if you get worse. Worse case scenario, we'll get Professor Grouse in here and take care of you." He smiled as he watched her horrorstruck face.

"But he hates me."

"He's not too fond of anyone," Skulduggery replied and smiled. He took a step closer to China, then suddenly stooped down and planted a sweet kiss on her rosy lips. He stood up slowly, grinning to himself at China's stunned expression.

"Goodbye, China," he murmured and wandered out the door.

China paused and touched her lips. "I hate you Skulduggery!" she shouted. She listened to his loud laughter and she smiled and blushed.

* * *

GOD DAMN ENDINGS.

Anyways, I kinda like the idea, but I couldn't get to write it. I think this may be the new pair I ship randomly…but not in the books. If they happened in the books, that'd be annoying. But fanfiction…that's fine :D

So, sorry for mistakes and thanks for reading guys!

Any requests for me? I'd love to do them (or attempt at them)!


	50. Beautiful To Him

HEY. 50 CHAPTERS. WOW. I'm so glad I started writing this. You guys are all so fantastic and thank you all for so much incredible support! Let's see if we can get to 100!!

* * *

Skulduggery paced up and down the rows of the Hibernian Cinema.

He sighed loudly and pulled down a beat up old seat and flopped down in it. He began fidgeting.

Tanith stopped her hushed conversation with Ghastly and turned to look at the squirmy skeleton. She smirked and sat down next to him.

"Relax," she said, "it's Valkyrie! She'll be totally fine. And it's not like Locke isn't experienced. He knows what he's doing. So just relax for a minute."

"That's easy for you to say," he mumbled back.

"Not really." Tanith smiled. "I'm worried for her too. But I have confidence that she'll be totally fine. At least after a few weeks." Skulduggery groaned and slunk down deeper into his seat. He winced as a long string of faint, but still prominent, profanities flew through the air.

"I swear," Kenspeckle mumbled from his seat, "that kid's going to come out swearing like a sailor already. You two have such bad mouths." He gave a wary glance toward the skeleton, then focused his gaze on the open door leading to his labs. Fletcher laughed as he heard Valkyrie yell something about sex, but quieted when it turned into a shriek of pain.

Ghastly sat down to join the two. "How long has she been at it?"

"Fifteen hours!" Fletcher called from across the room.

Skulduggery grimaced. "She's going to hate me," he moaned.

"She said she wants me to kill you if this goes on for another hour," Kenspeckle piped in. "I said I'd be happy to oblige."

"Ha, ha. Very funny, professor," the skeleton answered dryly. He shifted in his seat, until he stood up again and began pacing. The five of them lapsed into silence. It was only interrupted with Valkyrie's swears drifting through the air.

After another twenty minutes, Skulduggery finally gave up pacing and sat back down in his chair. He placed his skull in his hands, until he heard a faint sound. It wasn't Valkyrie yelling, or Locke yelling, or Locke's assistant yelling.

It was a different type of yelling.

It was a baby's cry.

Everyone seemed to realize what had just happened. Their heads all snapped up to the door leading to the labs. The crying grew louder and louder, until the tall, thin man with dark gray hair emerged from the door. The sleeves on his regular white lab coat were rolled up to his elbows. In his thin arms was a small bundle wrapped in a white blanket.

Locke bypassed Fletcher and Kenspeckle and headed straight for the skeleton. He smiled at Skulduggery as the small white bundle squirmed around a bit. He passed the child into Skulduggery's lean arms silently. Once he was sure Skulduggery had a good hold on the child, he let go.

"It's a girl," he whispered and stepped back. Skulduggery shifted his hold on the child and looked down at her. She was a pinkish color, and had a thick crop of black hair on her head. Her eyes remained closed as her head twitched around.

Skulduggery looked up at Locke. "Is Valkyrie alright?"

"She hates you," he answered in his deep voice.

"That's a given, but is she alright?"

"You want to see her?" Skulduggery was hesitant for a moment, but nodded and followed Locke through the lab door. They reached the other set of white doors. Locke paused and knocked on the door. Clarabelle came and opened the door, a smile plastered on her face. Her smile grew wider as she noticed Skulduggery with the baby in his arms.

"Is Valkyrie awake?" Locke whispered. Clarabelle nodded and allowed the men to pass. Skulduggery looked across the room at the single bed, with his wife in it. Valkyrie was sitting up, cross-legged, and clutching a pillow to her body tightly. She looked up hesitantly, smiled, frowned, and then glared.

"My love for you plummeted to the negatives today," she said darkly.

Skulduggery nodded. "Fantastic," he grinned.

"Don't think that I'm ever going to forgive you."

"Alright then."

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Stop being so casual and cool. You're pissing me off."

"I'm sorry. I'll stop."

"You're a horrible person," she grumbled and threw the pillow on the ground. "I hate you and I hate your sperm."

Skulduggery laughed. "Good to know then. I'll keep my sperm away from your uterus, then."

Valkyrie paused to stare at him. "I hate you," she said again. Skulduggery nodded and moved his child around in his arms.

"Have you seen h-"

Valkyrie cut him off. "I want to find out what gender Hypothetical Baby is myself, thank you very much," she smirked and moved around in her bed to make room for Skulduggery. He passed the sleeping newborn over gently, and Valkyrie took the child and laid them down gently. She unwrapped the white blanket and took a peek. She gasped and quickly wrapped her daughter up again.

"We have a daughter…" she whispered and hugged the baby close to her.

"We do at that," Skulduggery grinned and sat up closer to her. They sat in the silence, watching their baby squirm around. They watched her open her eyes for the first time. She had one green and one brown eye.

"She's different alright," Skulduggery muttered lovingly.

Valkyrie shrugged. "She has a skeleton for a dad," she said, "what did you expect?"

He laughed and kissed the top of Valkyrie's head. He leaned back and Valkyrie leaned back with him. It was only a few minutes later when Valkyrie and the baby were sleeping softly. Skulduggery looked at the wedding ring on his finger, and then looked over at Valkyrie's. He glanced at the child, with her rosy, chubby cheeks, and dark head of hair.

They were both beautiful to him.

* * *

I don't know. I just kinda stuck an ending on here. I've had this for _so long_ and could never finish it. It was seriously annoying. But, here's this.

I'm not sure when I'll update again, since my inspiration is a little dry right now. It's bad. I will keep trying to write everything, but we'll see.

Thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes! :D


	51. A Burial

Alright, I was reading **DRABBLES 'N' ERRRRRRRRRRR STUFF! x **by

**x-Scarlett Cain-x**. In her latest chapter, she used the ever classic joke of Valkyrie getting a giant dog and burying Skulduggery. Then she said something about how it was any empty threat…and I had the idea.

Yeeep.

* * *

Valkyrie grinned and shut the front door to Gordon's mansion. She slipped off her shoes and crept into the living room, and saw a skull. Skulduggery was sitting perfectly still, obviously meditating.

"Hopefully he hasn't been lying all these years…" she muttered and quick poked his skull to be sure. He didn't budge. She pumped her fist in the air, then grabbed his arms and dragged him from the couch and out the back door and into the backyard. There was a hyperactive German Shepard dog tied to a tree. It started barking and hopping up and down at the site of Valkyrie.

"Quiet Rhett!" she half-shouted and half-whispered. The dog stopped barking, but kept hopping. Valkyrie giggled and laid Skulduggery down slowly. He stirred slightly. Valkyrie made her way to Rhett, and undid the rope that was tying him to the tree. He bolted away and immediately went to Skulduggery. He licked at his skull and nipped at his arm.

Satisfied, he trotted over a few feet and began digging a big whole. When he had finished, he grabbed Skulduggery and lowered him in the whole. Valkyrie watched the dog rebury him, and couldn't help but feel a little guilty. But that went away when she remembered how he had dangled a huge spider in her face earlier that week. She shrugged and wandered back into the house, while Rhett happily followed.

It was a few hours later when Tanith, Fletcher, and Ghastly showed up at the house. Tanith was returning a few books of Gordon's she had taken. Ghastly needed to show Skulduggery a new invention and Fletcher had just come along for kicks.

"Where's Skulduggery?" Ghastly asked slowly.

"Out back," Valkyrie replied lazily and pointed towards the back door. Ghastly nodded and left, but returned a few moments later.

"Did he run away? Skulduggery's not there," he said. He noticed Valkyrie smirk. "What did you do to him?"

"_I _didn't do anything," she replied, "but Rhett was in a digging mood today. He decided to bury his favorite bone_s_."

Everyone paused.

"Are you saying the dog buried Skulduggery in the ground?" Fletcher asked, a little afraid of the answer.

Valkyrie bit her lip. "That's a possibility," she grinned.

Tanith screamed. "I can't believe you!" she squealed excitedly. "That's the most amazing thing you've ever done!!"

Fletcher joined in. "I want to get a camera and get his face!" he laughed.

Valkyrie smiled. "He's going to be pretty pissed," she said and tossed her hair around her shoulder. She looked down at Rhett, and his ears were perked up and he was staring at the door.

"What is it, Rhett?" she whispered, grinning.

The dog barked once and went bounding for the door. He scratched at it, and then backed away quickly, as the door went flying open.

Skulduggery Pleasant stepped in gracefully, dusting off his suit all the while. He walked past everyone, only stopping when he was facing Valkyrie.

"Tell me, Valkyrie," he said, "why was I in the ground?"

She shrugged. "Rhett was just in a digging mood I guess." She grinned up at him.

He tilted his head slightly. "Are you saying that your mangy mutt actually buried me in the ground?"

"No, I just said that Rhett was in a digging mood. How do you know that you didn't get up and bury yourself?"

"How the hell would that work?" he shouted.

Valkyrie stood up suddenly. "_You'd _find a way, Skulduggery," she said and reached down to pet Rhett.

"Valkyrie Cain," he growled, "that was not funny in the least."

"It wasn't supposed to be funny. I finally took up that threat of mine to get a dog and have him bury you in the ground."

He paused. "I have always countered that with either chaining you to Fletcher, or getting a new partner. Neither have I done."

"You've cuffed me to Fletcher at _least _five times already!"

"Those are hours I don't want to live through again," they heard Fletcher mutter.

Valkyrie laughed. "But you have to admit," she smiled, "it was pretty clever."

Everyone gave murmurs of agreement. Valkyrie patted Skulduggery's shoulder, then sauntered off with Tanith. Fletcher went into the kitchen to raid the fridge, while Ghastly went upstairs to the study for reasons unknown. Skulduggery was left with Rhett.

He stared down at the dog.

The dog stared up at him.

"I'll get you for this, you mutt."

* * *

I am so proud of myself. I wrote this so incredibly fast, and I don't think it sucks incredibly bad!

Aaand the dog may or may not be named after Rhett Butler from "Gone With The Wind." I just watched the movie (since we're learning about the Civil War in Am. History) and OH GOD IT WAS SO SAD. I CRIED AND CRIED.

Anyways.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	52. Pregnancy Scare

Remus Crux smiled to himself. He wondered how he hadn't seen it sooner, since the answer was right in his face the whole time. But he figured he was just too busy working on the very important case the Sanctuary had just wrapped up: one that involved a screaming banshee, sheep, and a jetpack. It had involved many puzzles, many of which were complicated, but could be solved after a few hours work.

Crux remembered cracking the very last few puzzles that led to the culprit. It turned out a lowly magical "criminal" was doing it. No one could ever remember his name. Was it Scapegoat? Scape…Remus knew it was Scape-something.

But getting back to the little mystery he had stumbled upon one day. Everyone in the whole Sanctuary knew of the _special relationship _Cain and Pleasant shared. They all knew they had denied it and just said they were friends, but instead they gave up and let that dumb blonde sword-handler tell everyone.

Of course, Remus Crux had known they were _together,_ together. It was incredibly obvious. The way they talked. The way they looked at each other. The way they touched each other. Crux never wanted to see their hands drift somewhere…accidentally or on purpose ever again.

Yes, he had caught them once. They were both getting…very comfortable on the hood of that black hunk-of-junk Pleasant insisted on keeping. It was at those times he wished eye-bleach existed.

Remus Crux took a deep breath, thrust out his "chin" and marched confidently towards the awful blonde teleporter and Cain.

He knew he was right. He knew he had solved it.

He _knew _that Valkyrie Cain was most certainly with child.

"Valkyrie Cain," he said loudly. He heard her sigh, and watched her turn slowly.

"What is it, Crux?" she asked, _clearly _trying not to sound irritated.

"I know a very important secret your keeping from everyone here at the Sanctuary," he said slyly, wiggling his eyebrows.

Valkyrie laughed once. "Excuse me?"

"You're keeping a secret."

Her eyebrows rose, and she finally realized what he was talking about. "Alright, alright." She held up her hands in defeat. "I admit. I spilled coffee in the Bentley. Please don't tell Skulduggery," she said, and tried to not smirk, "he'll be furious."

Remus Crux stared at her. "That was not what I was talking about," he growled.

"Well I don't have that many dark secrets. I have secrets, but none of them are super scandalous. What did you have in mind?"

Crux laughed once, smirked and took a deep breath. "Valkyrie Cain, there is not a doubt in my mind that you are _expecting_ a child."

Valkyrie stared, her mouth open.

Ha. He'd caught her.

"I knew it," he boasted. "I knew that you were pregnant. It was so obvious." He chuckled softly, and glared at Valkyrie. Her head was tilted unhappily.

"I am not pregnant," she said irritably. "I don't think anything about my person would make someone assume that." She folded her arms across her chest and stood up straighter, and she ended up towering over him a good couple of inches.

Remus Crux backed away slightly. "It's obvious. You're lying."

"Trust me," she growled, "I am not."

"Do you swear?"

"I never swear."

Crux huffed and stomped away angrily. It was only a few moments later when he felt something strong curl around his ankle and flip him upside down, so he landed with a great _thump _on his back on the floor. He staggered up just in time to watch Cain whip around and walk towards the teleporter. She whispered something in his ear, and in a flash, they were gone. But before they disappeared, he saw her play with a gold band around her finger. He also saw her hand hold her stomach slightly.

Remus Crux scowled. He knew he was right. After all, he was the head detective.

No one was smarter than him.

* * *

:3

Not sure how the idea came to me…but it did. So yeah. Thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes! :D

Yeeeeah…I realize this is kind of bad…WHERE HAS MY INSPIRATION GONE DAMMIT.

Ideas for a poor writer people?


	53. Baby It's Cold Outside

So you know how people ask who wears the pants in the relationship? I think that Ghastly wears the capris. Ya know, they're pants, but not full pants. I think Tanith dominates from time to time…

Anyway, I got the idea from listening to this song (and I find this song incredibly creepy. Like, the girl asks what's in the drink, and that's creepy!) in the car and it just popped. And plus, **LittleMissSkull **told me to do a Ghanith thing, and I did this other thing, but it was dumb and yeah.

And I KNOW some of the lyrics don't exactly fit, but I think they sorta do. Like the thing about the whole family worrying? Just pretend it's the _adoptive _family.

**And there are quite a few sexual themes here, children! You're most certainly warned!

* * *

**

_I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside  
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside  
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in  
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice_

"Ghastly you can't go!" Tanith cried out.

"I have to," he groaned and tried getting up again, but Tanith pulled him down again. He collapsed down next to her on the sofa and she began removing his coat and scarf. She began kissing all up his neck and face.

_My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry  
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar  
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry  
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour_

Ghastly moaned from the touch of her pink lips. "I have to go, Tanith!" he said as firmly as he could make his voice.

She pulled back. "Why?"

"Because I need to get back home and get the shop ready."

Tanith sighed and paused. "No you don't."

_The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there  
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there  
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight  
To break the spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell_

"What are…" Ghastly paused to catch his breath after Tanith kissed him hard. "…What are Skulduggery and everyone going to say?" he moaned out.

"Anything they want," she replied, tugging on his shirt.

_I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move closer  
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?  
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out  
Ahh, but it's cold outside_

Finally, Ghastly mustered every little bit of strength he could get and he picked up Tanith. She squealed and sucked on his neck slightly. He resisted the urge to carry her straight to the bedroom.

"Now, Tanith," he said forcefully, "I do have to go. I'll be back later tomorrow. I'm not jetting halfway across the country. You'll see me soon."

She groaned and made a whimpering sound. "But it feels like you'll be gone for forever! What will I do without you?"

"Beat someone up," he said quickly. Ghastly stood Tanith on her feet lightly, and then bolted towards the door. He reached to knob, but it wouldn't budge. He turned to face Tanith.

"Unlock the door please," he said lightly.

_C'mon baby_

Tanith bit her lip and grinned. "Don't think I will."

"Please Tanith?"

She shook her head and sauntered up to him, pulling his mouth to the side and kissing him harshly. He stumbled back, landing in a conveniently placed chair.

_I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside  
The answer is no - Ooh darling, it's cold outside  
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in  
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm_

"Tanith, Tanith, Tanith," Ghastly muttered into her soft blonde hair. "You have to let me go!"

"No, no, no!" she whined and scooted up her legs farther up his own. He groaned in protest, but didn't do anything to stop her.

_My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look delicious_

"What will Valkyrie think?" he asked to Tanith, but she didn't answer.

_My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore_

"Fletcher won't ever stop making fun of us!"

_My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious_

"And Skulduggery will just give me that creepy look he gives when he disapproves."

_Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before_

"Well he can stare, and Fletcher can laugh, and Valkyrie can freak out, but I don't really care," Tanith grinned up against his face and breathed deeply. "It doesn't matter to me at all."

_I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there  
Say, lend me your coat - It's up to your knees out there  
You've really been grand - I thrill when you touch my hand  
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me?_

_There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Think of my life long sorrow  
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died  
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out  
Ahh, but it's cold outside_

Finally Ghastly gave up and let Tanith have her way. She smiled and kissed him all across his cheeks and lips and trailed down his neck. She pulled back, completely breathless, her hair a mess, and she nodded violently. Ghastly rose an eyebrow, but nodded as well and he hoisted her up. He motioned for Tanith to grab his shoulders and for her legs to get around his waist. He began carrying her down the hallway to her small bedroom in her small apartment.

_Baby it's cold outside_

Ghastly Bespoke smiled, kissed Tanith Low, and shut the door.

* * *

Is this good? I can't tell.

Sorry for mistakes! :D


	54. Birthdays

**Ravenwisker **and **MissSkulduggeryPleasant **both requested I do a drabble about Skulduggery's b-day. I've wanted to, but never had a good enough idea. BUT. **Ravenwisker **helped me out :D

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant dreaded December 31st. It was his least favorite day of the year, besides April 1st, for slightly obvious reasons (those being Valkyrie playing trick after trick on him).

Though he had asked everyone that he knew if anyone was doing _anything _for his…birthday. A few said they had no idea, a few more said no, and then his and Valkyrie's close friends had refused it profusely.

Of course, that meant something _had _to be happening, good or bad. But nothing good ever happened when it concerned birthdays.

Skulduggery reluctantly parked his Bentley on the curb by Gordon's house, climbed out of the sleek car, and as slowly as he could go, walked up to the front door. He knocked and sighed, fearing the worst. Valkyrie's silhouette appeared on the foggy glass, and she opened the door quickly.

She looked confused. "Any reason you're here?" she asked it like she _really _had no idea why he was there.

"U-Uh. No, I guess not, then." Maybe they weren't doing anything this year.

Skulduggery thought about that again as he stepped into the house. _Fat chance_, he thought. Valkyrie smiled and bit her lip, like she knew something he didn't (which was more than likely). She walked on ahead of him, skipping, which was particularly unusual.

"Valkyrie?" he asked, a bit frightened. "Are you excited for something?"

"No," she said. "I was just out training with Tanith and the adrenaline is still running through me. That's just it."

He nodded, beginning to understand it. "That makes a bit more sense," he agreed.

She grinned. "We were talking about you. Tanith said she hadn't seen you in a while," Valkyrie replied casually, leading Skulduggery towards the back door. "Want to say hi?"

He shrugged. "Why not?"

She nodded and opened the door slowly.

Immediately Skulduggery bolted away, but someone slammed into him. He shook his head, and then was instantly outside, in a huge crowd of people. Fletcher Renn was standing beside him, grinning like an idiot.

Around the skeleton were tables and chairs and quite a large gathering of people. There were a few balloons scattered around the place, all different colors and shapes and sizes. There was one table with a chocolate frosted cake, with three numbers on it. A four, a six, and a seven.

"No one really knew how old you are," Valkyrie muttered from beside him suddenly, "but China said you're probably around 467 years old. She said she was around twenty when she first met you, when you were just a little sixteen year old boy."

Skulduggery would have frowned. His eye sockets scanned the crowd until he caught the piercing blue eyes of China Sorrows and her brother, Mr. Bliss. China smiled cheekily, eyeing him in a different way than he ever saw. She gave a small wink, and disappeared through the crowd with her brother, who smiled at him as well.

"I love how China's older than you!" Valkyrie giggled, punching his arm playfully. "But you said that you were both the same age!"

He paused. "I am _mentally _older than her…" he mumbled.

Valkyrie chuckled. "Alright then. But, I thought you were the oldest thing on the planet. I guess not."

Skulduggery snorted. "I am not _that _old, Cain!" he growled playfully. Valkyrie stuck her tongue out and bolted away from him. She ran to Tanith, who giggled along with her and smiled at Skulduggery. Ghastly was by her side. He shrugged and smirked. Fletcher titled his head to the side, giving the thumbs up sign, again, like an idiot.

"Valkyrie," he groaned, as he walked up to them, "I thought I told you I'd kill whoever threw me a birthday party."

"Oh yeah, I remember!" she told him. "But see, Gordon actually planned everything; we all helped!"

Skulduggery frowned. "That's not fair,"

"Oh you'll have fun."

Well, he thought, maybe he could _attempt _to enjoy this.

The party went on as normal, or as normal as a party involving Fletcher could. There was the bit where everyone began throwing cake, but that's a different story.

Everyone forced him to blow out the candles, and Skulduggery couldn't help but feel a little bit older. It was an hour after everything had officially ended, when Kenspeckle approached him.

"As per request from Valkyrie," he explained, "this is from all of us. Why she made me give it to you, I'm not sure. But here." In his hands was a lumpy present, wrapped in last week's newspaper. Skulduggery unfolded the paper and saw it was a stuffed dog.

"Since we all know how much you like dogs," Kenspeckle smirked, a little twinkle in his eyes. "Anyway, I guess happy birthday…" he said and quick walked off. Skulduggery stood staring at the dog. It was black, with pretty brown eyes. He had soft, floppy ears and shiny fur.

"Seriously?" he sighed at Valkyrie, who was giggling from across the backyard. "A stuffed _dog_?"

"I thought you'd enjoy it!" she called back. "You love dogs, right?"

He groaned and turned to head back into the house. He could hear Valkyrie laughing along with Fletcher as cake went flying again.

Skulduggery looked down at the dog and smiled. It was, surprisingly, a good day.

* * *

Meh. I some fun with this. Was it too short? I can possibly do a follow up…? I've been at a pretty big loss for inspiration lately...

But thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	55. The Late Stephanie Edgley Pleasant

My mind is strange. Sometimes (usually when I'm showering or dancing around the bathroom) random lines pop into my head. Like…stuff people could possibly say. A loooong time ago, a line formed, and then this idea gradually formed over time.

I realize this is like the really awesome story **"The Last Will and Testament of Mr. Bliss." **I swear I'm not copying. I had the idea of dead Valkyrie in my mind, and then was like, "WILLS." So...I swear on my life I ain't copying.

Also, I would like everyone to go over and read a flame left by someone here, on **moecat433's **and my story, **Conquering America: One State at a Time. **We're hurt. And also…you could…ya know…read the story or something…

**Told from Abigail's POV, who is sixteen here.

* * *

**

I never thought I would see my father cry.

Never in all my years had I seen him shed a single tear. I could tell how hurt and distraught he was over whatever it was at the time, but he had never cried in front of me.

My dad, Skulduggery Pleasant, is sitting stiffly beside me, in a teal cushioned chair. He had his skin "on," so his regular disguise couldn't hide his hurt face. His thumbnail was in his mouth, and he was biting and gnawing at it angrily. He could sense me looking at him.

His eyes slid over to mine, and his head turned slowly. "You alright?" he asked, though he was doing worse than I was.

I nodded and opened my mouth to respond, but the creepy lawyer walked into the room. Dad stood up to greet him and shook his hand half-heartedly, and the lawyer smiled sympathetically at me.

"I believe the last time I saw you, Abigail, was when you were just four years old," he grinned. "I'm Mr. Andrew Mist," he said and held his hand out. I smiled weakly and shook his hand. He sat down at his chair, and Dad sat down too.

"Let me just say, I know that this is a horrible loss for you and your friends. I remember Stephanie well…and it's such a tragedy to be killed in such a way. She was too strong to be killed by a hit and run accident. I am truly sorry for your loss."

I nodded sympathetically, playing along as I was told. The truth: Mom got hit with a spear straight through her chest. Dad told everyone who isn't exactly _with _us on the magical thing that it was a car accident. But the news had spread that there was a gaping hole in her chest, which Dad instantly dismissed as an old scar being opened up from the impact of the vehicle.

It was a pretty good story, though false it may be.

"Well," Mr. Mist said softly, "I believe it's time for the will reading, then? I understand there are two wills, one for you and one for…the friends?"

Dad nodded. "Val-Stephanie was complicated that way."

Mr. Mist nodded, a little smile on his weird shaped lips. "Well then. We begin."

He picked up an old piece of paper, with multiple ink blotches and crinkled edges. He began to read.

"The Last Will and Testament of the Late Stephanie Edgley Pleasant," he said lightly. "I know that you two, Skulduggery and Abby, are most likely itching in your seats to see who gets what. But alas, you get to listen to my ramblings for a little bit. First and foremost, what the hell am I doing dead? It better have been heroic or something. Skulduggery, I hope you didn't make up something weird to explain my death. Or at least, let the _friends_ know what really happened. Second, how was my funeral? Or has that not happened yet? Either way, I hope it is. I detailed my funeral to Kenspeckle one day. I said I wanted purple carnations and to be wearing my black clothes Mr. Bespoke made for me. He just stared at me. Then said that I should be planning his funeral, since he was _apparently_, like, six hundred years older than me.

"Third, Skulduggery, you better have hunted down the guy (or girl) who did this to me. If it's that mole Sanguine, kick him in the crotch a few times. Then kill him anyway you wish. As long as you kick him in the crotch. Mrs. Bespoke could even do that. I don't mind. Let's see…Fourth, Skulduggery, put on your strong face for me, alright?"

Skulduggery looked up at that. He had been staring at the ground, imagining it was Valkyrie saying these things instead of the lawyer. He stared at the piece of paper Mr. Mist had been holding, as he rummaged around for the other papers.

He began again, clearing his throat. "Okay, okay. I'll ramble later. But for now, here are you consolation prizes you get because I _died_. Of course, some of these things I say are just _options_. Like, the details of the books are left to someone else, but I figure they'll just keep them at Gordon's house. Anyway, I figure Skulduggery; you don't wish to drive around my old, _beautiful_, 1970's Ford Mustang. I believe the only person suitable to drive around my poor old car would by my daughter, no? Abigail Victoria Lucy Edgley Pleasant, I hereby grant you ownership of my car when you turn sixteen. The last time this was revised, you were sixteen…so…Have a car darling! Next, Gordon's mansion. Skulduggery, as you moved in with me it is still rightfully yours. I don't believe you would abandon it, even if it reminded you of me too much. You loved that house.

"This is why, Skulduggery Darren Nina Pleasant, you are to be forced to keep the house until the day you die. God only knows when that will be. Abigail, when your loving father finally does kick the bucket (and I mean _finally_), you inherit the house. The _whole _house. Of course, you are required to share it with your Aunts and Uncles/Godparents. In the event of both of your deaths, Gordon's mansion will be cared for.

"Now, the fortune. I gather this will not be as much as a shock as it was to me when my Uncle Gordon freaking gave me his royalties and house. I swear I had a heart attack then and there. I have (hopefully) devised a good enough plan to distribute the money. Skulduggery, I put you in charge of 5/8 of the fortune for now. Abigail, the day you turn eighteen, you receive 3/8 of that, while your father keeps the remaining 2/8. Naturally, _share_ like good children when need be. The remaining 3/8 is left for the friends, in case you were wondering. Skulduggery, you already have your own little fortune, so you won't be receiving as much. Don't want to spoil you dear."

Mr. Mist grabbed another paper and continued reading.

"The rest of the things in the house are left up for grabs, but wait until the other will is read. There are a few specific things to be handed out. Skulduggery, I trust you and the others will not go crazy and fight over who gets the china plates.

"Oh, I don't think this would ever happen, but the Echo stone is not to be played with. It is not a toy. Only move the stone when need be, and place it in the box made especially for it, understood? My dead Uncle would be furious, as would your now dead wife/mother.

"Another thing, I myself don't have an Echo stone, so don't go looking for it. I figure I burnt myself into your minds good enough, and I don't wish to live on. Everyone dies, and no one expects it. I never forgot how weird and slightly retarded Gordon was, but it was all refreshed with that stone. I hope you will always remember that I loved you both immensely, and I don't want to forget you, and vice versa.

"Skulduggery, you were fantastic. Though you were never what I had originally expected you to be, I loved you. You never thought you were good enough, and yadda, yadda, but you were just fine the way you were. I fell in love with you as the regular you, and I got engaged to you as the regular, and I married the regular you. Don't believe I was only happy with your pale skin. If you ever think that while I'm dead here, hanging with Gordon up here in heaven (or hell, which is more likely) I will come and haunt you. And I will haunt you for a very long time. I'll write weird things on the walls."

Mr. Mist grabbed one last paper and kept reading.

"Abigail. My sweet little Abigail. I love you, kid. You were seriously the greatest child I could have ever asked for, even though you were _completely _unplanned. I told you that story of your conception a thousand times before, and I don't believe Mr. Mist would care to hear it. That'd be awkward. Anyways, child, have a good life. I'm really pissed as I'm writing this that I won't be there to see it through. I wanted to see your wedding and be a grandmother (God, imagine that!). I wanted to see who you married. Whether it was Michael Peach (who I will miss dearly, let him know that) or someone _different_. Either way, I'll be just fine with it. You'll know if the punk has my blessing.

"But as you know, your father won't let anyone touch his precious baby. Your father loves you very much, and when he doesn't let you go out and see that movie you and your friends have been dying to see, don't hate him (too much). He's just protecting you. Darling, continue your training. It kept my mind off important things for a while, and that will help you at times. Let Mr. Bespoke punch you, and let Mr. Renn pop around the field like a crazy person. It works; trust me.

"If Mr. Wreath dares to come around, don't go crazy. He's a smooth-talker; so let someone else handle it. God knows how badly I turned out because of him. Mr. Bliss and Miss Sorrows, though as sneaky as they may be, do help us sometimes. Let them help, but don't expect Miss Sorrows to always be eager. It takes a little bit of talking for her. Mr. Bliss is still intimidating, yes, but he won't hurt you. Trust him.

"Mrs. Bespoke was my absolute best (girl) friend. I accomplished a whole lot more than I thought I could have with her. She's a great person, and she's already like a second mother to you. She'll be absolutely ecstatic to help you on stuff (besides homework. She can't do multiplication to save her life). Mr. Bespoke was always calm and shy, but that's why we loved him.

"Okay, my hand is starting to cramp and I apologize to Mr. Mist for making this so incredibly pointless and long. I hope he hasn't passed out or something. And so, drawing this will to an end, take heed to what I said about everything. I have been living that life for a while, Abigail, so I know what will be coming. Be prepared for it, darling. I don't want to see you standing next to me anytime soon. Same goes for you, Skulduggery. You stay right there and protect our daughter. I hope you two accomplish so much more in life. I'll be there to see it, no matter what.

"I love you."

I looked over at my dad and saw a single tear fall down his face.

* * *

I am satisfied. Sort of. Do you like my sap?

I had a whole lot of fun doing this, and I'm _incredibly _glad it's done. Thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes! :D


	56. Sick Day

My dad was eating soup today and I was like, "Soup. I don't like soup. I wonder if Skulduggery likes soup…"

So, as I think about soup, I realize that it's something that people normally eat when someone is sick. So…Sick + Skulduggery = This drabble/oneshot 

And Skulduggery has the little pills that make him human again, btw. See if he were to get injured – like he broke his arm – while on the pill (hee hee) then the effects wouldn't wear off until he's healed. In this case, he's sick, so his skin and such won't wear off until he's better.

So, I'm a bit bored and I'm a little frustrated. See, I've got a new idea for a story, and I've got a lot of it planned out, but I still have _two _other stories. I'm going to finish at least one before I begin even writing this new one, but I'm soooo anxious to write it. Also…I have a crazy OC idea…and I'm not sure if it'd be cliché or not to do it. She'd be a _relative_ of someone...I have her name picked out and everything. It's infuriating. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A CRAZY AND COMPLETELY UNCONVENTIONAL LOVE INTEREST. Any suggestions for me? (yeah, I'm being vague and retarded. Just ignore me…)

And hey…hey…Guess what. My birthday's on January 9th… :DD

(No, that's not me be egotistical or anything…)

**Warning: **The tiniest little bit of language.

* * *

Skulduggery woke up with a jolt. Cool hands pressed down on his hot and bare chest and he laid back down on the bed. He opened his eyes and sighed slightly.

"Valkyrie?" he asked quietly. He brought his hand up and felt his hot forehead.

"Hush," she said calmly. "Just relax and go back to sleep. You need to stop waking up."

He grunted as he felt something cold and wet touch his cheeks and Valkyrie's cool hands pressed on his chest. "I'm not trying to," he grumbled and sighed heavily. He closed his emerald eyes and pushed his hair back absentmindedly. The bed shifted slightly and he felt the covers behind pulled down slightly. Footsteps padded across the room and he heard the bathroom sink running. More footsteps came back and Skulduggery felt a wet cloth touch his chest.

He yelped and sat up suddenly. "What the hell?" he shouted, but quickly sat back down and groaned. "Bad idea, bad idea…"

"Very bad idea, indeed," Valkyrie replied, smoothing his hair down and lightly putting the washcloth to his cheeks and forehead. "How do you feel?"

"Like…" He paused to think of an answer. "Shit. I feel like shit."

She chuckled softly and placed her cool and wet hand on the back of his neck. He muttered softly and opened his eyes again. He smiled softly and watched Valkyrie sit next to him. She grinned back and stroked his hair slowly. She suddenly reached back and grabbed a small, tan tube-thing.

He frowned. "No," Skulduggery said simply and tried turned away, but Valkyrie caught his face in her hand.

"I don't care if you hate this thing," she said firmly, "but it's a bit necessary."

"Oh just guess my temperature!" he half-groaned, half-whined.

"Relax you big baby. Just relax for a second and open your mouth." Skulduggery glared at her, but did as she asked. She nodded once and smiled, popped the cap off the thermometer and slid it into his mouth. He closed his mouth on instinct, and continued glaring at Valkyrie. The thermometer beeped and she pulled it out of his mouth.

Skulduggery sat up, gagging dramatically. "I hate those things," he grumbled and stretched.

"I know, I know," Valkyrie said. "But see, your fever went down!" She smiled and showed the numbers on the little screen.

"Oh yeah, 102.4 degrees. That's _so_ much better."

She poked her tongue out. "Whatever grumpy-pants. Alright, I'm going to go downstairs for a bit. I'll be back to check on you in an hour. Will you survive?"

He nodded slowly, but paused. "Valkyrie," he said sadly, "my head hurts."

She frowned and placed her hand on his head. "Like a headache?" He nodded. "Where does it hurt exactly?"

He pointed to his right temple. "Kiss it."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, but swooped her head down lower and kissed his head. "Anywhere else?" He nodded and pointed to his other temple on the left side. She kissed there.

"Here," he mumbled and pointed to his cheek. She kissed him softly. He finally pointed to his lips.

"Oh no, Mr. Pleasant. No way. I am not getting your germs all because you wanted a kiss."

He pouted and whimpered. "Please?"

"No," she smiled and kissed his cheek again. "Now get some sleep." He sighed and stretched and closed his eyes. Valkyrie laughed and she got up and closed the door quietly. She went downstairs and found Fletcher sitting in her kitchen.

"Do you not have a house and so you come to ours?" she smirked, patting his head.

"No," he grumbled. "I just get bored easily. Where's Skulduggery?"

"Prince Skulduggery is sick today," she replied.

"Sick?"

"A fever, sore throat, coughing, the such. I'm thinking strep throat, but hell if I know."

He nodded. "That's what it sounds like," he agreed. "I can't picture Skulduggery sick"

"It's not pretty."

"Stop talking about me," Skulduggery groaned, stumbling into the kitchen.

Valkyrie frowned deeply and crossed her arms. "What the _hell_ are you doing up and out of bed? I _told _you to get some sleep!"

He muttered unintelligibly and sat down at the table across from Fletcher. He placed his head in his hands delicately. "I'm tired of sleeping."

"And I'm tired of breathing," she replied and placed her hands on his bare back.

"At least put on a shirt," Fletcher grumbled and stood up. "What cool foods do you have?"

Valkyrie shrugged. "Not sure. Check the freezer." Fletcher nodded and began poking at the fridge. He shouted in triumph and pulled out a yellow box full of Popsicles.

"Every feverish person's dream," he smiled. "What flavor Skulduggery?"

He mumbled something and Valkyrie bent down to hear his answer. "He says shut up," she said.

Fletcher stared. "So…What flavor does he want?"

"He's a freak and eats all the nasty grape flavored ones," Valkyrie sighed. Fletcher nodded again and pulled out a purple Popsicle. He unwrapped it and placed it on a plate in front of Skulduggery. He stared at the ice-covered Popsicle, but popped it into his mouth. He smiled and bit off the top and swallowed it.

He smiled. "I'm a grown man eating a grape Popsicle," he said slowly. "I believe my life is complete."

Valkyrie giggled and rubbed his neck. "It's quite cute," she smirked and ruffled his hair.

Fletcher made gagging sounds. "Please," he groaned dramatically, "I'd like to keep my breakfast down. I never expected either of you to be all mushy-gushy and romantic."

"That's because we never show it in front of anyone else," Skulduggery muttered. He gulped the Popsicle down quickly and laid his head on the table. Goosebumps rapidly began forming on his skin and he shivered. Valkyrie giggled once and disappeared, but returned with a thick quilt in her hands. She placed it around his shoulders delicately and rubbed his neck again.

"Come on…" she whispered soothingly, "let's get you back to bed."

He combed his hair back with his fingers and stood up shakily. Skulduggery nodded and allowed Valkyrie to drag him back upstairs to the bed. He sat down gingerly and held his head in his hand. Valkyrie crawled behind him and placed her still cool hands on his shoulder blades. She stroked his neck and fluffed his hair and kissed the top of his head. He sighed and leaned back against Valkyrie and groaned softly.

"I'm tired," he whispered.

Valkyrie beamed. "Score," she said. "Lay down and sleep."

"See," he muttered, slightly grinning, "I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep."

"Well that's just dumb. It's like being hungry and not eating anything."

He chuckled softly and stretched. Valkyrie grabbed his arms and forced him down against the pillow. He muttered something angrily, but placed his arm against his forehead and closed his eyes. Valkyrie smiled at him and bent her head down and kissed his lips. He chuckled softly, and soon his breathing evened out and he was asleep.

* * *

So…This is a semi-cute idea, yet written horribly. Sorry 'bout that.

But thanks for reading anyways and sorry for mistakes! :D


	57. Valkyrie Missile

I was bored with my music, and went searching for some new people. I found **Angels and Airwaves **which is like the baby after Blink 182 broke up (I think). I was on my free music streaming site and the song title just caught my eye. **Valkyrie Missile **is the name, and I just had to use it :33

Hooray for Fletcher-centric! :D

* * *

Fletcher Renn looked at the front of the car. Ghastly was driving, and Tanith was picking at the hilt of her sword. No one said anything. He looked over at Valkyrie, who was next to him. She had her chin in her hands and was staring out the window at the remote countryside of Ireland. Her black clothes fit her snuggly, and the bracelet she used as a necromancy object gripped her wrist.

Suddenly, Ghastly announced they were there. They were Aranmore Farm, where all this began. Valkyrie hopped out of the van and went to the back. She popped the trunk and stared at the shoebox that held an important and delicate object. Fletcher walked up to her, standing beside her. Valkyrie was a beautiful, talented, fierce sixteen year old now, and he was nineteen. Thins sure had changed since _he_ disappeared through the portal.

_Everyone  
Everyone will listen  
Even if it hurts sometimes  
If you will come and hear the message_

"Valkyrie," he said quietly, "are you sure you want to do this?"

She nodded slowly. "We can't just leave him in there. We've already taken so long; he's probably wondering where we are."

"He might not be. You don't know what it's like in there," he replied, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

_Everyone wants to learn to love again  
Open up and come along  
If you will come and hear my message_

"I know, and I still want to do it."

He nodded, though he just wanted to shake her and toss that skull away. "I understand." No, he most certainly didn't. "Will you be able to get over everything you've heard and welcome him back? I don't know how you'd be able to. What if he figures out you _know_ everything?"

She shook her head. "Well, it shouldn't matter. All that is in his past, and now it's the present."

_You left your pain on the bedroom floor again  
Bring a smile to survive  
And do you think that you have it in you? _

"Let's do this, Fletcher," she said suddenly, flashing a quick smile on her tired and pale face. "We go this."

He nodded, giving a lopsided smirk: his trademark.

_If you're here and you're all alone tonight  
I'll give you a free ride  
Take a chance cause I know you want to_

Valkyrie opened the shoebox and took the old, cracked, and beaten up skull out of the box. She led the way to the spot where the grass was yellow and the dirt was soft and like mush. Fletcher followed slowly, mentally preparing himself to be pushed out of the way when _he _appeared again. Maybe, just maybe, they'd be able to return to their normal lives. Maybe everyone would be able to forget the horrible things Solomon Wreath had said to them all.

All Fletcher Renn wanted now was some type of a family. That's all he wanted. He didn't want Tanith. He didn't want London. He wanted Valkyrie. She was beautiful to him, with her pale and tired face, her battle scars from Wreath, her black fitted clothes. Her dark eyes that could only be brown when you look up close at them.

Valkyrie handed him the skull slowly. Fletcher held it tightly, concentrating hard.

_If only  
You'll hold on  
Just hold on  
I'm here and I'm with you  
I'm here too I feel you  
We'll get through  
I know this  
I see it  
100 times  
1,000 times  
Just 1 more time  
With you and I  
I'll pull you close _

_And then we'll say good-bye_

Fletcher looked up at Valkyrie's slightly hopeful face. He couldn't help but smile. She looked at him, and finally, he saw a genuine smile form on her face. Through all the painful nights and depressing days, she hadn't smiled much. But only when Fletcher would be around to cheer her up. Only then would she laugh and giggle and smile.

_I've got a lot  
Of a lot of hell to say  
Even if it hurts sometimes  
And if you will come and hear the message  
Everyone  
Everyone will hope and pray  
Then the best will sure survive  
And if it's true then you'll feel the message_

Fletcher looked pleadingly at Valkyrie. He could feel his energy draining quicker than it had the first time he opened the portal. She frowned and hesitantly stepped out to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you alright?" she asking softly, easing him to the ground.

"Valkyrie!" Tanith and Ghastly called out. Her head whipped up and she noticed the portal growing larger and larger. There was a piercing scream and a yelp. That was followed by a thump and another scream, like a thousand people were all screaming together.

"Fletcher!" Valkyrie yelled in desperation. "Close it! The Faceless Ones are escaping!" He yanked his hands away and collapsed on the ground hard.

_A perfect life  
A perfect brand new day  
You were the next in line  
And do you think that you have it in you?  
So if your here and you're curious tonight  
Then I'll give you a free ride  
Take a chance cause I know you want to_

Valkyrie was bent down over Fletcher, tapping his face, getting him to wake up.

"Go see you're skeleton…" he grumbled, rolling over, and curling up on his arm. "Let me sleep." Valkyrie frowned and turned around. Tanith and Ghastly were sitting on the ground, their figures obstructing her view of another, very limp figure.

_If only  
You'll hold on  
Just hold on _

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie screamed, bolting towards them. Tanith leapt out of the way, allowing Valkyrie to sit beside the still skeleton. "Skulduggery can you hear me?"

Fletcher sat up slowly, a sad look in his eyes.

_I'm here and I'm with you  
I'm here too I feel you  
We'll get through  
I know this  
I see it  
100 times  
1,000 times  
Just 1 more time _

Skulduggery sat up suddenly, shaking his skull, and seemed to smile. He gasped and threw his arms around Valkyrie and hugged her. She laughed, a happy laugh, and happy tears flowed down her cheeks.

"Glad to be back," they heard him mutter into her ear.

"We're pretty glad to have you back," she replied, hugging his fragile skeletal form tighter.

_With you and I  
I'll pull you close  
And then we'll say good-bye_

Fletcher Renn stood up, sniffed, and tried to hold back to surprising tears that sprung from his eyes.

And then he teleported.

* * *

I tried to make this seem all deep and stuff, but I don't know how that actually worked. Sorry for the crap quality the past two updates have been. School is starting back up after a nice, long break, so I'm a little depressed about this.

Anyway, thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	58. Paper Faces on Parade

So…Hey there.

I've got a few ideas, and all are partially done/in the works, but I can't seem to get write them out (not literally write, but you get the idea). Long story to explain this idea, so I'll make it short: My sister and I were looking for some old toys up in my closet when I found an old masquerade mask I bought at my Renaissance field trip a while ago. It's pretty and colorful, and _voila _this idea formed.

I know that **ArtsyChick **already wrote a story about a masquerade ball (apart of her "A Bouquet For You" series of stories, and the particular one I'm talking about is called "Baby's Breath and Larkspur"), but I swear I ain't copying. As I began thinking about the idea, I was 97% sure someone had already written a masquerade type thing, and lo and behold, I was right.

BTW, the title for this chapter is taken from the song "Masquerade" from the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. Anyone else remember that movie? I used to watch it everyday.

Anywho...

* * *

Valkyrie Cain, at the young and still impressionable age of 22, stepped out of her 1970 Ford Mustang. Tanith tottered out of the passenger side and grinned.

"Ready?" she asked.

Valkyrie shrugged and grabbed their masks. "No putting off this party any longer," she said as she placed the star silver mask to her face. Tanith strapped her golden mask to her cheeks and nose and forehead. She smoothed out the creases and wrinkles beginning to form in her eggplant purple asymmetrical dress. It flowed down to her mid-calves. Tanith bent down to street level to fix the straps on her glittering golden heels. Valkyrie subconsciously began playing at her outfit for the annual Sanctuary Masquerade Dance, which was held every April 25th without fail.

Valkyrie had picked a navy blue knee-length dress for the occasion. It was strapless and at the top, a small line of silver embellishment went around her chest and back. Her shoes were tall and silver, causing many almost-face-plants. Tanith reached out and grabbed Valkyrie's arm and began pulling her towards the back of the wax museum. They wrenched open the heavy back doors and quietly crept into the dark museum. Valkyrie found the statue and was about to say to let them in, when the wall behind him collapsed. The light and the music from the party poured from the whole in the wall. Tanith shrieked excitedly and dragged Valkyrie into the Sanctuary.

"Tanith," Valkyrie groaned slightly, "why are you getting so worked up about this?"

"I never go to the one in London. In fact, I've never been to a masquerade at any point or time in my life. I'm excited to see it!" she replied, grinning like mad.

Valkyrie smiled. "I bet you're just excited to see Ghastly," she cooed.

Tanith rolled her eyes. "I can think of someone _you_ might be excited to see."

"Oh yeah? Who's that?"

"Oh look," Tanith said suddenly, "we're here. Come on, let's get a drink." She continued to pull Valkyrie through the crowds to the long white table and she picked up two glasses of champagne. They both smiled and drank. Valkyrie turned to actually look at the Sanctuary.

In all actuality, it really didn't look the same. The walls were a light blue, while the floors were polished white marble. Gold and silver satin sashes hung from the unexpected domed ceiling in graceful arcs. Bright and subtle lights seemed to echo across the walls and ceiling and floors, casting mysterious shadows on everyone and everything. Tables were set up everywhere, each with a black tablecloth and gold utensils. People were loitering about everywhere, dancing, singing, and chatting.

Valkyrie stood on her toes and scanned the crowd for any familiar face. She saw Remus Crux and Thurid Guild dancing with two beautiful women, but neither Tanith nor Valkyrie had any desire to talk to them. Valkyrie felt a quick and dainty tap on her shoulder suddenly. She spun around and faced two blue eyes with a turquoise mask surrounding them.

"China," she said, stepping back to look at the satin forest green dress she was wearing. China Sorrows had a black cardigan covering most of her arms, and black heels on her small feet.

"Valkyrie. It's good to see you," she smirked with her red lips. "Have you seen Skulduggery? I was talking with him earlier, but I can't seem to find him again."

"I just got here with Tanith," Valkyrie replied. "I was looking for anyone when you showed up."

China nodded slowly. "Well in that case, if you see Skulduggery, tell him I don't wish to speak with him anymore tonight. He has other things to attend to." China Sorrows nodded her head once and left in a flash. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow, and then plunged into the crowds of people. She smiled and waved hello to a few necromancers, and a few elementals. She noticed Solomon Wreath give her a slow nod. She looked at the dull black suit and dull black mask he had on.

Black. How original of him.

Valkyrie continued through the crowds. She passed by Mr. Bliss, who smiled slightly at her. Clarabelle and Kenspeckle waved hello to her from across a group of elementals. She smiled widely back, until there was another tap at her shoulder, and someone grabbed her hand and dragged her to the dance floor. The person spun her around quickly, and Valkyrie immediately scowled.

"Jerk," she muttered.

"Well now I can talk to you without being trampled by a thousand different people," Fletcher Renn replied. "Anyway, how long have you been here?" He placed his hand on her hip and took her other hand in his. She reluctantly put her hand on his shoulder. He took a step outwards, and soon, they fell into a rhythm with the music.

"About half-an-hour," she replied. "I like the feathers." Valkyrie nodded to his peacock green mask, decorated with a few feathers.

He smirked. "I thought it added a nice touch. I must say you look quite stunning tonight." He examined the tight fitting dress.

Valkyrie blushed and lightly slapped his arm. "Tanith made me get the dress. And the heels for that matter. Evil."

"What do you have against heels?"

"You have no idea how hard it is to walk in these! It's painful."

"I bet I could walk in them just fine. You're being a baby."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and scanned the room. "Seen anyone else?"

"I saw Tanith and Ghastly dancing over there a few moments ago," he replied. "Kenspeckle scowled at me, and Mr. Bliss just glared. That's it."

"Yeah, Tanith disappeared from me. You haven't seen Skulduggery?"

Fletcher shook his head. "I haven't. Is he even here?"

"He said he had the _perfect outfit _picked out," Valkyrie smirked, "so apparently he'll be here."

Fletcher laughed and stepped away from Valkyrie as the song ended. "Well, I promised myself I'd go dance with all the pretty girls here, and you're the first. Good luck on finding Skulduggery." He gave a wave and waltzed away, giving a few nods to other mages he knew. Valkyrie smiled and turned sharply and made her way through the crowd. She caught a glimmer of purple and gold as Tanith came charging towards her.

"There you are!" Tanith shouted. "I've been looking for you! I saw you with Fletcher."

"Yeah, he dragged me to dance," Valkyrie said.

"You didn't look half bad out there," said Ghastly, as he came up behind Tanith. His white tie stood out against his black undershirt, and his gray mask matched his gray suit. "I would think Fletcher would have two left feet."

Valkyrie smirked and shrugged. "Fletcher's like that most times."

Tanith nodded. "Ghastly hasn't seen Skulduggery either."

"That's strange. He said he'd be here. Do you think something happened?"

Ghastly shrugged. "Could be. I'll go call him." He abruptly left and quickly exited the room, to the outside, where it was possible to hear. Tanith turned to Valkyrie.

"I'm getting a little freaked out right now," she muttered.

"Why? It's Skulduggery. He's probably kissing his reflection now."

Tanith laughed. "True, true." She paused as the crowd spread apart and Solomon Wreath glided through. He offered his hand silently to Valkyrie, who took it reluctantly. He led her to the dance floor. Wreath clapped his cane against the floor, and it disappeared into a puff of smoke, the black curls of death seeping into his suit.

"I contemplated dancing with you tonight," he said as he placed Valkyrie's hands in his. "I figured you wouldn't mind. Do you?"

She shook her head. "Not especially."

He nodded and smiled a little. He let the song begin slowly, and he began to lead Valkyrie in a graceful dance.

"I hear you're worried about your skeletal friend," he muttered casually, like he would when talking about the weather. "It is unlike him to be this late."

Valkyrie nodded. "No one is really sure where he is."

"I have not seen him either. Not even China Sorrows or Mr. Bliss have seen him. If only a detective were here to solve this mystery…"

Valkyrie scowled and hit his shoulder. "He said he'd be here. How would I even remotely know what happened, if anything did at all?"

Solomon Wreath shrugged and let out a sigh before he twirled Valkyrie around slowly. Valkyrie saw a black-gloved hand creep around to Wreath's shoulder, and it tapped him once. Wreath turned around sharply and came face to face with a crimson red mask on a pale, skeletal face.

"I know I'm late," Skulduggery Pleasant muttered, "so why not start the dancing right away? If you don't mind, Mr. Wreath?"

"Not at all," he half-sneered, half-smirked. "Be my guest." Wreath wandered off towards the drink table. Valkyrie watched him go, until she was swept away in a flourish to the very center of the dance floor.

"Good evening Mysterious Dancing Partner. How are you tonight?" Skulduggery asked, as he began swaying with Valkyrie's arms around him.

"Skulduggery, you know it's me," she grinned.

"Who? I'm sorry, but this is a masquerade. I'm not sure who _I _even am."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. "I'm alright, Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner. I was getting worried about my strange friend, but the hell if I care."

Skulduggery frowned slightly. "I'm sure your friend would be quite disappointed to hear that." Valkyrie giggled. "Mysterious Dancing Partner, I do say you look the epitome of elegance tonight." He took in her navy dress and silvery mask, smiling affectionately.

"Thank you, Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner. Tanith Low made me get the dress and heels. You yourself look quite dapper." Valkyrie looked down at the black suit, with the white undershirt and red vest atop that. She noticed the black gloves and the red mask on his pale white face. He was wearing a black hat with a red ribbon around it, and a red feather stuck in the ribbon.

"It took me a while to coordinate this perfectly," he sighed dramatically, as he spun Valkyrie around.

"That's just a little strange, Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner. I'm not sure many men would have the confidence to say that."

"Well it's a good thing I'm completely overflowing with confidence. I give away confidence."

"Is there enough room for all that confidence, _plus _your jet sized ego? Just curious."

Skulduggery scowled and pulled Valkyrie closer to him. "Excuse me princess, I don't have a jet sized ego. It's only bike sized."

"Oh please, Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner. It's rude to lie in front of a lady."

"Well am I in front of any ladies?"

Valkyrie scoffed and made to pull away from him, but Skulduggery caught her in his bony arm. He yanked her closer. "The song isn't over yet, Mysterious Dancing Partner. Don't go yet."

"Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner, you're crazy," Valkyrie muttered, slowly snaking her arms around his hard neck. He chuckled softly.

"So," Skulduggery muttered in her ear, "what is this friend that you were previously worried about like? I'm curious to know what qualities this man would have to have you as a companion."

"I never said it was a man," she said sharply, her brown eyes sparkling behind her silver mask.

"Ah." Skulduggery paused, shifted his hands and arms on Valkyrie's body, and then dipped her low and long. Her hair brushed the dance floor. "Well, this friend, are they a male or a female?"

"It's a male," she replied smugly.

"Ah. I wonder how this man is able to put up with your argument-like state. Or are you always just as sharp-tongued as you are now? Or is it just when you're with someone as dazzling as me?"

"That man loves me and my snappy comments."

"It might be the _only_ thing he loves about you," Skulduggery countered back, and then lifted her back up again just as the waltz-type song ended. Valkyrie smiled widely at Skulduggery, and began dragging him away from the floor. "Where are you taking me, Val – I mean, Mysterious Dancing Partner? It's not polite to pull people's arms out of their sockets you know."

"Well it'd be impolite of me to not help people put their arms back in their sockets, so you, Mr. Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner, may suck it up."

Skulduggery frowned. "Touchy, touchy." He allowed Valkyrie to drag him further away. "I do wonder where you are taking me," he said over the music.

"I bet the great and simply dashing and absolutely _amazing_ Skulduggery Pleasant could figure it out," Valkyrie shot back.

"Well I shall be on a look-out for him then."

"Oh, that reminds me. China Sorrows told me to tell Skulduggery Pleasant that she doesn't 'wish to speak with him anymore tonight.'"

Skulduggery chuckled. "I will give him the message if I see him then." Valkyrie smirked and continued her pulling. "My arm hurts," Skulduggery proclaimed.

"Great to know."

"Ladies shouldn't be sarcastic, Mysterious Dancing Partner."

"As you said, am I a lady?"

"I never specifically said that."

"It was implied."

"True, true."

Both paused to stare at each other.

"Again, Mysterious Dancing Partner, I ask, where are you taking me?"

"No where in particular," Valkyrie replied.

"Well then what's the point of yanking me across the room."

"For my amusement." Skulduggery muttered something and skidded to a halt. He yanked his arm away, and he grabbed Valkyrie's arm in return.

"No fair!" she shouted, mock anger in her voice.

"Whining will get you nowhere, Mysterious Dancing Partner," Skulduggery sullenly replied. He opened up his skeletal mouth to say something else, when a hand slunk up behind him to tap Skulduggery on the shoulder. He whipped around and came face to face with the shimmering golden mask of Tanith Low.

"There you are Skulduggery!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"Skulduggery? Pleasant? I have a few messages to give him," the skeleton replied, giving a sideways glance at Valkyrie beside him. "Have you seen him?" he asked her.

She shook her head. "I haven't."

Tanith smirked and nodded her head. "Well _now _I understand. Well, I'll leave you two to your weird flirting games…"

"Hey!" Valkyrie shouted, a blush creeping into her face gradually. "We're not flirting!" But Tanith had already disappeared through the crowd as she finished. She scowled and turned to face Skulduggery.

"It's playful banter," he muttered softly.

"Yeah!" she huffed. "We're not flirting."

"Agreed," he said and tangled his fingers within hers. "Oh Mysterious Dancing Partner, I fear I must leave you now."

Valkyrie frowned slightly. "Why? The spell end at midnight?"

Skulduggery chuckled slightly, and shook his head. "No, it's just my presence is required elsewhere."

She continued to frown. "That's too bad. And here I thought we could move on to just 'Dancing Partner.'"

"Ah, maybe another time then." He seemed to smile as he kissed her delicate hand lightly. "I shall be on the lookout for Mr. Pleasant to deliver those messages. Good night, then, Mysterious Dancing Partner." He removed his hat and tipped it slightly, then left in a flourish.

*

Valkyrie remained behind at the party for a few more hours, until Tanith asked if she wanted to go. Valkyrie nodded yes, and the two said goodbye to everyone, and they quickly left. Valkyrie let Tanith off at her small apartment, and she kept driving to Gorgon's estate. She parked her Mustang and quick removed her shoes once she was in the house. Valkyrie set to the kitchen to make a snack for herself, when she heard a car pull up at the curb. Valkyrie removed her mask and chucked it on the table just as Skulduggery Pleasant strolled into the kitchen.

"Ah Valkyrie!" he said excitedly. He was missing his red mask, and was carrying his hat in his hands. "I missed you at the masquerade tonight. Were you there?"

She laughed and went to grab an apple from a bowl on the counter. "I was there, yes. No one could find you!"

"That is rather odd," he muttered and sat down at the table. "I was most certainly there at the masquerade."

"Odd indeed." Valkyrie smiled and bit into her apple hard.

"Well, in any case, I'm afraid I must be going," Skulduggery said suddenly, getting up. "I just came to see if you were at the dance tonight. Turns out, you were."

"How sad." Valkyrie bit into her apple again. "'Night, Equally Mysterious Dancing Partner."

Skulduggery laughed quietly, but said nothing.

* * *

This is the longest thing I've ever written for this. Like, seriously. Nothing beats this 9 pager and 3,000 word-er. I'm pretty much happy with this, but it could admittedly be better. But I just really wanted to get this up, after not update for a long time. All my creative/good writing juices went bye-bye!

SO. I had some serious trouble with uploading this. The window was super screwed up, and everything was just jumbled together. I uploaded some things in an attempt to see if they'd work, and one thing worked, the other didn't. I apologize if you got e-mails that I updated, when there was nothing new there. It was totally awful.

And, as a question, on Facebook, I'm a fan of Skulduggery Pleasant's official page. They're having a writing contest, so naturally, I figured I could take a whack at it. Should I consider adding this to the contest?

I hope you liked it, and sorry for any mistakes! Thanks for reading! :D


	59. Devil in Her Heart

Yay! Beatles! :D

* * *

_She's got the devil in her heart  
But her eyes, they tantalize  
She's going to tear your heart apart  
Oh, her lips they really thrill me_

"Love sick puppy," Ghastly muttered, irritated at Skulduggery's behavior.

"I can't help it," the skeleton replied, a twang in his voice as he watched the woman he loved walk past him slowly. She caught his eye socket and smiled sweetly. 

_I'll take my chances  
For romance is  
So important to me  
She'll never hurt me  
She won't desert me  
She's an angel sent to me_

"I've known her for a while, Ghastly. I'm a man. I can take care of myself."

"Still I worry about the things you'll get yourself into. You're incredibly love drunk."

"Well, I apologize I'm in _love_," Skulduggery said, emphasizing the last word in his velvet voice. 

_She's got the devil in her heart  
No, no, this I can't believe  
She's going to tear your heart apart  
No, no, nay will she deceive_

"This is a mistake," Ghastly groaned. He noticed the object of Skulduggery's affection walk past them again. He caught Tanith and Fletcher fake gagging themselves on the couch across from them.

"I now what I'm doing," Skulduggery replied.

"It _sure _seems like it," they heard Fletcher mutter. 

_I can't believe that she'll ever ever go  
Not when she hugs and says she loves me so  
She'll never hurt me  
She won't desert me  
Listen, can't you see?_

"She's been known to break a few hearts before," Tanith said, joining in the petition against Skulduggery's new found love.

"I'm a bit different," he smugly said. "She wouldn't do that to me." 

_She's got the devil in her heart  
Oh, no, no, no, this I can't believe  
She's going to tear your heart apart  
No, no, nay will she deceive_

"I think I'm going to be sick!" Fletcher shouted suddenly. "Skulduggery, get your head out of the Faceless Ones portal and get back down to Earth! That woman is evil."

"Stop being a drama queen Fletcher," Tanith said. "If Skulduggery refuses to listen to us, then I won't give him any advice anymore. Maybe when she does break his bony heart, he'll listen." 

_Don't take chances if your romance is  
So important to you  
She'll never hurt me  
She won't desert me  
She's an angel sent to me_

"Well alright then. It's a deal. I'll only come crawling to you when she shatters my poor 'bony' heart. I truly doubt this will happen, but when it supposedly does, you may laugh in my face."

Tanith smiled. "I look forward to this day then." 

_She's got the devil in her heart  
Oh no, no, no, no, this I can't believe  
She's going to tear your heart apart  
No, no, nay will she deceive_

Ghastly sighed as Skulduggery got up from the couch. "You're making a mistake!"

"I got it the first time, Ghastly."

_She's got the devil in her heart  
No, she's an angel sent to me  
She's got the devil in her heart  
No, she's an angel sent to me _

Skulduggery strolled through the shelves to find the woman he loved.

"Why Skulduggery," China Sorrows smiled, "what brings you here?"

* * *

GET IT? GET IT?!

I wrote this fast, and I'm not sure if it's any good, but I figured I could try it. The song is by **The Beatles **and it's called **Devil in Her Heart**. I'm thinking of a Rolling Stones song soon…or a Dire Straits at some point…

Sorry for mistakes and thank you for reading! :D


	60. Eshara Firefox

SO.

The dilemma with this crazy OC that I made up is still at war in my head. While pondering this in the shower (where all good ideas are born) I decided to throw her into this little chapter here, and test her out, in a way. You'll just kind of meet her and get a feel for her…I guess? I'll see when I can actually finish this XD

Don't hurt me…I sometimes have ideas that I just really want to slap out there…D:

AND YES. CHAPTER 60. ONLY 40 MORE TO GO TILL I GET 100. (oh god...)

* * *

Valkyrie Cain brushed past Gordon's study. She frowned slowly, and began walked backwards back to the room. She didn't leave the door open did she? Wasn't she the last person in there? Valkyrie stood facing the ajar door, and she gently pushed it open a crack. Valkyrie peeked in and quickly threw the door open, stepping into the room.

Her eyebrows knitted together and she frowned deeper. There was a woman, who _looked _to be 30, sitting on the desk. Her skin was the color of caramel. She had white coat that went down to her waist on, with black pants and a gray shirt. The lady had rust colored hair, with light green eyes. Her shoes were dirty and muddy old boots. She stared at Valkyrie with a confused expression on her face and her mouth hanging agape.

"Am I in the right place?" she asked with an Irish accent.

Valkyrie shrugged. "I don't know. What place were you looking for?"

"Gordon Edgley's home."

"Yeah, this is it."

"Is he here?"

Valkyrie shook her head. "He died…like forever ago."

"Oh," the woman said and frowned. "Who are you?"

"I'm his niece," Valkyrie replied, stepping closer to the woman. "Who are _you_?"

The lady bit her lip and made her eyes big and wide. "I'll tell you later. Do you have a taken name?"

Valkyrie crossed her arms and smiled smugly. "Valkyrie Cain."

"Aah. So, would you know Mr. Skulduggery Pleasant?" the woman asked.

Valkyrie nodded. "I do. He's here in fact."

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery's soft voice called from down the hallway. "Holding a conversation with yourself again?"

"That was one time!" Valkyrie shouted back and left the room swiftly, but returning shortly, dragging Skulduggery into the room. His disguise was off, and his skull was fully visible.

He glared at her, and then brushed his suit jacket. "Was that necessary?"

"Probably not," Valkyrie admitted, "but here's this chick to see you." She smiled and pointed to the woman, who was still sitting on the desk. Skulduggery turned his dark eye-sockets to the woman.

"Oh hell no!" he shouted and backed away. "What could you possibly want?"

"Just wanted to see you!" she growled and stood up, straightening her spine and waltzing towards Skulduggery. "And plus I miss how I can hug you and practically crush your bones." She smiled and tackled Skulduggery. She crushed his arms to his sides and hugged him tightly.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow. Please get off of me," he choked out and tried pushing her away.

"But I love you!" the woman said, tightening her grip on Skulduggery.

"Well that's lovely! Now please get off of me." The woman backed away. Her lower lip jutted out, and her eyes were huge and pleading. She had on full puppy-dog face.

"So…" Valkyrie muttered, joining the conversation. "Skulduggery, who exactly is this?"

He sighed and rubbed his neck. "Valkyrie, Eshara Firefox. Eshara, Valkyrie. There. Done."

"Nice to meet you," Valkyrie smiled and held out her hand.

The woman, Eshara, smiled too and shook Valkyrie's hand. "Same to you."

"How exactly do you know Eshara, Skulduggery?"

"Eshara…" He paused. "Eshara is my sister," he finally said.

She smiled. "His older half-sister," she corrected and patted his skull. "I'm the sista' from anotha' motha'."

Valkyrie giggled. "I never knew you had a sister."

"He doesn't like to talk about me," Eshara admitted sadly. "I'm basically a disgrace to our whole family. Brother here even hates me for it."

"For the last time, Eshara, I don't _hate _you. I hate the actions you did, not you."

"Same deal!" she grinned and eased herself back on the desk. "So," she smiled, changing the subject, "how's life been treating…" She trailed off when she saw a picture in a silver picture frame. She got up and grabbed the picture. "Sweet buttery Jesus!" she cried. "Is this you, Brother?"

She swung the picture around, and showed the two. It was the picture Fletcher took of them at their wedding, with cake smooshed on both of their faces. Valkyrie smiled and punched Skulduggery's arm lightly.

"I got cake in your eye-sockets. You have to admit, it was funny."

"It was only funny when I lobbed that piece at you," he shot back, amusement in his voice.

Valkyrie chuckled and laced her fingers with his gloved ones. They both turned to look at Eshara, but she was standing on a chair, staring at another picture.

"Who is this adorable toddler?" she asked, pointing to a picture of a sunny day with three people in the shot. Valkyrie sat on the ground, blowing bubbles, and Skulduggery as a man had his head in her lap, with a toddler on his chest. "Brother…Is this child yours?"

Skulduggery nodded. "She's downstairs."

Eshara smiled and sniffed, her eyes filling with tears all of a sudden. "Sister," she said suddenly, turning to face Valkyrie, "do you know what this means?" Valkyrie shook her head. "This means my baby brother got laid!"

"Who got laid?" Abigail, who was fifteen, asked, coming into the room. She looked from her parents to the lady on the chair. "Well, nevermind then. Who's that?"

"Are you the kid?" Eshara shouted, bounding up to her.

Abby nodded. "Yeah. Are you some crazy?"

"I'm your half-aunt!" Abby raised an eyebrow at her dad, who nodded heavily once.

"Well that's awesome. Are you my mom's sister, or?"

"I'm your dad's older half-sister. I'm Eshara Firefox."

"I didn't know you had a sister!"

"No one does," Eshara sighed, mock sadness in her voice. "But that's another story. So," she said quickly and whipped around to face Skulduggery, "Brother, you're married and have a kid. Any other changes?"

"Ghastly's married," he said, seeming to smirk.

Her mouth dropped open. Eshara squealed. "I loved that man! Do I know her?"

"Tanith Low."

"Hm. No, never heard of her."

"Oh," Valkyrie grinned, "you'll love her, trust me."

Eshara grinned and sat down on the desk again. "Brother, is there _anyone else _married?" Skulduggery gave her a wary look. "I mean it's okay if _someone _else got married. People are allowed to get married. You got married. It doesn't matter if other people get married. Like the people from, like, the past. Ghastly got married! Is China married? How about Bliss? Kenspeckle?"

Skulduggery couldn't help but laugh a bit. "None of those three are married. Nor is anyone else, for that matter. Who did you have in mind?" He seemed to raise an eyebrow, and from his body language, it was obvious he had a cocky smile on.

"You know who…" She trailed off and stared at the dull black necklace around Valkyrie's neck. "Are you a necromancer?" Valkyrie nodded. "I'm assuming Brother didn't teach you, so who did?"

"Solomon Wreath," Valkyrie answered.

Skulduggery snickered as he watched Eshara. "Ring any bells, Eshara?"

"Hush you," she replied, stroking her face lightly. "I'm thinking."

"That can't be good," Abby said from the doorway.

Eshara frowned. "Brother, where has your daughter gotten all this _sass_?"

Skulduggery jerked his thumb towards Valkyrie. "It's all from her!"

"Whatever," Valkyrie sighed. "I'm hungry. Have fun." She left the room quietly, Abby following her, shutting the door behind her.

Eshara stood in the middle of the room, while Skulduggery sat down in one of the soft chairs. "Wreath is not married," he said after a quiet moment.

"I gathered this, Brother," she grumbled and sat down in a cross-legged position. "Do you think he remembers me?"

"You, the girl who tried to kill him after a terrible break-up? I think that might trigger _something _in his memory."

She scowled and stared at the ground. "Have you been in contact with him lately?"

"I don't talk to him, but Valkyrie does. He's never ever mentioned you."

"Well that sure did boost my spirits!"

"Well I never mention you, and it's a little awkward to talk to someone about the past relationships."

"Especially when it's the younger brother they're talking to," Eshara added. "Anyway, I've heard about this Valkyrie Cain for a while now. Everyone across Ireland a while ago was just peeing themselves about how awesome and feared you two were."

"We have that effect on people," he replied.

"I've noticed. When we're you two married?"

"She was twenty-three."

"Brother likes them young, then!" She wiggled her eyebrows and looked at the picture of them at the wedding. "Sorry about never being in contact with you. That's a fail on my part."

"You write occasionally."

"Once a year." She paused as an evil grin formed on her face "Hey! This means you've been keeping secrets from Vaaaalkyrie! You never told her you had a sister!" Eshara jumped up and bolted out of the study, shouting things in French. Skulduggery quietly got up and followed her. He sighed, wondering how the hell he got such a sister.

* * *

Yeeep. As I said, don't hate me for this. I'd love some feedback on her, whether or not she's just retarded, or neat. I'm not sure what I think. I'd like to make her a permanent character in an upcoming/in-the-works story of mine, so let me know what you think!

Sorry for mistakes and thanks bunches for reading! :D


	61. Play With Fire

ROLLING STOOOONES. HA. I saw the name of this, and I just about peed myself :)

* * *

_Well, you've got your diamonds and you've got your pretty clothes  
And the chauffeur drives your car  
You let everybody know_

"Wouldn't it be weird if I switched?" Valkyrie asked quietly. The night in this graveyard was quiet and calm.

"People may talk for a while, yes," Solomon Wreath responded. "They've been used to the girl who followed the skeleton detective around, not the girl who followed the necromancer around."

"Would Skulduggery be mad?"

_But don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire_

"Well, I do know that you can only have one magic. Necromancy or elemental. You choose between us when Mr. Pleasant returns," Wreath muttered.

Valkyrie sighed quietly, weighing the options.

_Your mother she's an heiress, owns a block in Saint John's Wood  
And your father'd be there with her  
If he only could_

"What if I liked necromancy, but I wanted to be Skulduggery's partner?"

"'What if' is the universal variable. I do wonder what if that were to happen. I don't believe you could have both. Wouldn't it be awkward?" he asked.

"It might be. If Skulduggery _really _cared and _liked _me enough, he wouldn't mind, right?" Valkyrie's voice was small, the hope barely there.

_But don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire_

"There's no telling," Wreath replied, swinging his cane gracefully. "As I said, it'd most likely be awkward."

_Your old man took her diamonds and tiaras by the score  
Now she gets her kicks in Stepney  
Not in Knightsbridge anymore_

"The point is, Valkyrie Cain," Solomon Wreath continued, "is that you won't be anyone without a 'master'. We all know that you're smart and strong for your age, but being alone in this huge world won't be good for anyone like you. Terrible things could happen."

_So don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire_

"So, I'll either need to be really great at elemental magic, or necromancy?" she wondered.

Wreath nodded and waved his hand dismissively. "None of that _both _stuff. I refuse to believe anyone could do that. People must pick one type of magic and stick with it."

_But you've got some diamonds and you will have some others  
But you'd better watch your step, girl  
Or start living with your mother_

"You'd help me and we'd go around and…_do stuff_?"

"For lack of a better term," Wreath chuckled, "we'd 'do stuff' yes. While I'm no detective, I have a sharp eye, so helping solve and find things is a specialty of mine."

"Would you protect me?" Valkyrie looked up at the man in black. The night was dark, but the moon still shone slightly, casting abstract shadows on his face.

"I would do my best to do so," he finally said.

_So don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire_

"Valkyrie Cain," Solomon announced as he stepped in front of her, "there are two choices for you. The first is necromancy with me. The second is elemental with Mr. Pleasant. I do hope you choose well."

_So don't play with me, 'cause you're playing with fire_

He gave a slight wave, and then disappeared in a mass of shadows.

* * *

So, song is called **Play With Fire** by **The Rolling Stones**. I hope you liked! :D


	62. Viva La Vida

We be singing this song for out spring chorus concert, and I've been singing along to it, and thought I could maybe try and squeeze it into a songfic XD

Tell me: would it be easier to have the song lyrics in italics, or underline?

I don't want to really explain this. If you don't understand it, PM/review and I'll give a little insight to my mind.

**LittleMissSkull **I know that you requested Ghanith...and I sorta forgot XD But I'll get working on that soon, promise!

* * *

_I used to rule the world  
Seas would rise when I gave the word  
Now in the morning I sleep alone  
Sweep the streets I used to own_

Skulduggery Pleasant used to be known for something else than "The Skeleton Detective". He was powerful. He was a fighter. He _never _gave up.

But now…

_I used to roll the dice  
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes  
Listen as the crowd would sing  
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"_

He was Nefarian Serpine's equal on the good side. They were equally powerful, and were both capable of killing.

But the only problem was that Serpine had the guts to carry out the deaths of thousands. Skulduggery Pleasant…he only found this out when his own bones had been stripped of their flesh and blood.

_One minute I held the key  
Next the walls were closed on me  
And I discovered that my castles stand  
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand_

Now, as the world healed from the Great War, he was known as an enigma. He was slightly crazy, but not insane enough to go murdering and seeking revenge. Everyone knew he was too good a person.

But now…as the deaths piled up from the New World War, things had been changing. This enigma wasn't so strong anymore.

_I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing  
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing  
Be my mirror, my sword and shield  
My missionaries in a foreign field_

Allies had disappeared. Lackeys had vanished. His partner gone; she had left in a flash of darkness, leaving him to fight this New World War alone.

As much as Mr. Skulduggery Pleasant didn't want to admit it, his friends were all he had. Who he considered his friends, that is, wasn't a great number. Many had left him alone. The left him to fight for this New World War.

_For some reason I can't explain  
Once you go there was never  
Never an honest word  
And that was when I ruled the world_

Skulduggery Pleasant wished he was as feared as he had been when the Great War was. The evil trembled when his reinforcements would storm their bastions. They left footprints on the ground as a mark, announcing to the evil, "We're here, and we're ready."

Mr. Pleasant had tried these tactics again in this New World War, but he didn't have the spark he used to. Not when he had flesh.

_It was the wicked and wild wind  
Blew down the doors to let me in  
Shattered windows and the sound of drums  
People couldn't believe what I'd become_

As the Great War carried on, and as the rebirth of Skulduggery Pleasant was happening, people grieved and tried their best to carry on without Skulduggery Pleasant. No one could forget him. They couldn't forget his handsome and still tired face. They weren't able to forget his beautiful wife and daughter.

But when Mr. Skulduggery Pleasant returned, gasps and screamed filled the air with an eerily silent sound accompanying; the war sending tension up spines; words crackling and skirmishing in the air themselves.

_Revolutionaries wait  
For my head on a silver plate  
Just a puppet on a lonely string  
Oh who would ever want to be king?_

The Great War had finally been won. The good had triumphed over evil. Melovent's generals escaped. Now, what was Skulduggery Pleasant to do? People had looked to him as a hero and as a savior. Now, he was like the Grim Reaper. He wouldn't do this anymore.

_I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing  
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing  
Be my mirror, my sword and shield  
My missionaries in a foreign field_

The right flank was torn down from the corner of his eye socket in this New World War. No more troops were left. No one was able to help, not anymore. There wasn't an old friend at his back, shooting sarcastic remarks as she beat up the evil.

_For some reason I can't explain  
I know Saint Peter won't call my name  
Never an honest word  
But that was when I ruled the world_

Skulduggery Pleasant himself had figured that he had been punished. But for what had he done wrong? He wished and willed to die. Skulduggery Pleasant had gathered that his terrible crimes and rough life had been reason enough to turn him away from the pits of Hell or the gates of Heaven.

_I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing  
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing  
Be my mirror, my sword and shield  
My missionaries in a foreign field_

It was only when the New World War had left him heart and soul broken, did someone he knew return. It wasn't someone he had expected to see ever again, but they were going to be there to help him, Skulduggery Pleasant decided.

_For some reason I can't explain  
I know Saint Peter won't call my name  
Never an honest word  
But that was when I ruled the world_

Skulduggery Pleasant hoped that this friend would care for him, like a mother to a child, and know that he had been a changed man.

* * *

Who is this friend who returned? Not sure. Use your imagination and pick someone.

Song is **Viva La Vida **by **Coldplay**.


	63. Kiss the Girl

Here is the Ghanith that **LittleMissSkull **requested. I spent a while trying to find a good song…I saw a song called **Kiss That Frog** by **Peter Gabriel **but then people were saying that was about oral sex…so a no on that one. Then I thought of doing **Dig A Little Deeper **from **The Princess and the Frog Soundtrack**. I couldn't find the lyrics D:

BUT.

I decided to go with a more…traditional Disney song :D

And hey, what color eyes does Tanith have? I made them a lighter color…does Mr. Landy ever specifically say?

* * *

_There you see her  
Sitting there across the way  
She don't got a lot to say  
But there's something about her_

Ghastly Bespoke sat across from Tanith Low. He was at the right side, and she was at the left side. They were at a small park, on a sunny day, waiting for Skulduggery and Valkyrie to get something he buried behind a bush. The wooden bench they were sitting on was cold and hard.

He watched her fiddle with her sword's scabbard, and watched the small gold pieces of hair fall softly into her face. Her slender fingers brushed them away from her light eyes.

_And you don't know why  
But you're dying to try  
You wanna kiss the girl_

The overwhelming urge to just scoot across the bench and hug and hold and kiss her soon crept up in his mind. He knew not too. How awkward would it be, then? The two of them together? Tanith usually had some boy pining over her (minus Fletcher, since he didn't have a chance).

_Yes, you want her  
Look at her, you know you do  
Possible she wants you too  
There is one way to ask her_

The thought that she would go along with the hugging and the kissing seemed absurd to him. She'd undoubtedly say no.

_It don't take a word  
Not a single word  
Go on and kiss the girl_

Ghastly thought of the scene in his head. Him just leaping over and smothering her. If he were to do it that way, it'd have to be small and slow. There was no way in heck it could ever work like that.

_Sha la la la la la  
My oh my  
Look like the boy too shy  
Ain't gonna kiss the girl_

He had made up his mind, Ghastly decided. He would wait until she initiated it. Of course…who knew when that would be, if ever?

_Sha la la la la la  
Ain't that sad?  
Ain't it a shame?  
Too bad, he gonna miss the girl_

Tanith had said she was single…and with the ever dreaded Valentine's Day coming up, Ghastly supposed she wouldn't remain that way for long. She was going back to London in a few days.

Should he?

Unbeknownst to Ghastly, Tanith was aware of his subtle staring. She could see his scars move with his frowns. She noticed his foot tapping lightly in the dirt beneath the bench they were seated on.

What was going on in his mind?

_Now's your moment  
Floating in a blue lagoon  
Boy you better do it soon  
No time will be better  
She don't say a word  
And she won't say a word  
Until you kiss the girl_

Ghastly sighed inwardly and leaned back slightly. His mind raced wildly, still. They were in the perfect situation. They were alone, with not many people around. God knew when Skulduggery would remember where he buried whatever it was.

_Sha la la la la la  
Don't be scared  
You got the mood prepared  
Go on and kiss the girl_

He leaned forward slowly.

_Sha la la la la la  
Don't stop now  
Don't try to hide it how  
You want to kiss the girl_

His body turned slowly.

_Sha la la la la la  
Float along  
And listen to the song  
The song say kiss the girl_

Wait. His body turned back. Wait. His body turned back again. He leaned closer towards Tanith. Her eyes caught his movements.

_Sha la la la la  
The music play  
Do what the music say_

"Tanith," he said quietly. Her head turned sharply and she stared into his dark eyes with her clear ones. Ghastly still wondered what the heck he was doing.

_You got to kiss the girl  
You've got to kiss the girl_

The both of them leaned in closer.

_You wanna kiss the girl  
You've gotta kiss the girl_

Closer…Closer…And still…

_Go on and kiss the girl_

Ghastly Bespoke leaned in farther than Tanith Low, and caught her lips with his. A slow clap stared quietly. The two looked up at Valkyrie and Skulduggery.

"About friggin' time."

* * *

I hope you're happy, **LittleMissSkull**!

Yeah, if you didn't know the song, you're retarded. But it's **Kiss the Girl **from **The Little Mermaid Soundtrack.**


	64. Old Friends

HA.

:D

**Skulduggery got back from the FO portal a while ago (like, three months ago) and Valkyrie is close to being 15.

* * *

**

Skulduggery Pleasant knocked on the wooden door to Gordon's house. He recalled the memories of breaking that door down. It was over 8 times, he believed. Valkyrie had called and asked him to come over there, and she said she had something to show him. He reluctantly came, since he was a little afraid of her excitement.

The door opened wide suddenly, and Valkyrie was standing there, a giant smile plastered to her face. "Hi!" she said happily. "Come on," she said and beckoned him inside.

Skulduggery was still wary as he stepped into the old grand house. "So what did you want to show me?" he asked as he removed his disguise and placed it on the front table.

Valkyrie spun around and clapped her hands together. "Okay!" she began. "So you remember my uncle, right?"

He paused. "What uncle?" he eventually asked.

She stuck her tongue out and smiled wider. "So, you remember how you had to come rescue me after Gordon was murdered, and then we got all buddy-buddy and we killed Serpine, right?" She didn't wait for his answer. "So then, when I was thirteen, we got all tangled with Sanguine and Dusk and Vengeous and the Grotesquery. You remember that whole ordeal, right?"

"Vaguely," Skulduggery answered, folding his arms and leaning against the wall. "It was such a minor time in my life, of course."

She smiled and waved her hand for him to follow her upstairs. "Okay, so, somewhere in all that time – I seem to remember it was after Sanguine first popped up – Tanith and I came over here, and she of course just sat and read while I came up to the study to see if Gordon had any old books about the Grotesquery."

He nodded and followed Valkyrie into Gordon's study. "And?" he asked, unsure of where this was going.

"Right," Valkyrie continued as they stepped into the study, "I was up here and poking along the bookshelf _until_ I found this one specific book." She pointed to a plain book with no title on its spine. She flashed a dazzling smile and yanked the book away. Skulduggery watched it come out halfway, then tilted his head in amusement as the whole bookcase swung around, sweeping them into a small room.

"Leave it to Gordon," he mumbled. "A secret room then."

Valkyrie nodded. "Yep. It has all these _artifacts_ he's collected over the years, including the Journal of Anathem Mire."

"You cheater," he said. "There was this whole room you never told me about?"

Valkyrie shrugged. "I was forbidden to tell anyone by a certain someone."

"Who might that certain someone be?"

"Me!" came a happy sounding voice. Skulduggery stared at Valkyrie, who was biting her lip. She pointed behind him. Skulduggery turned slowly, and saw the pale blue figure of his old friend, Gordon Edgley.

"How…?" Skulduggery looked at the table beside his friend and noticed the blue stone. "Ah. An Echo-Stone. Very clever of you, Gordon."

Gordon smiled proudly. "I figured it would impress even you, Pleasant."

"I'm afraid you'll have to try harder, Edgley," he shot back and smiled. Valkyrie quietly snuck away from the two, leaving them to their catching up, for they had quite a lot to discuss.

* * *

Ummm…I tried to make this cute…And I think I sort of failed. Sorry about that D: But I sincerely hope you enjoyed just a sliver of this, even if it was my correct punctuation.

I apologize most graciously for mistakes :]


	65. Family Get Together

OKAY.

This was a bathroom/shower idea. What a surprise, right? Not sure how it came to be, but I never am.

Also, because I have an _incredibly_ sick mind, I have two questions for you: In the relationship China/Skulduggery, who would top? And the same deal goes for Ghastly/Skulduggery. I'm thinking China for the first, then Skulduggery for the second.

Would anyone like any brain bleach to get the images out of your heads?

:D

**And I ain't sure how to incorporate this into the story…so Skulduggery took a **_**pill**_** thing and is human at the moment.

* * *

**

"As long as you don't say much, they shouldn't hate you more than they already do," Valkyrie said.

Skulduggery grunted beside her in the driver's side of the Bentley. "I've never even met them-"

"Actually," Valkyrie interrupted, "you have."

"I've never said anything to them. How do they hate me?"

"Because. They hate everything and everyone," Valkyrie muttered. "They even hate my dad. They hate my family. They hate everyone I'm associated with."

"What a hateful family you have, dear Valkyrie," he laughed.

"Well, Fergus and Beryl were literally spawned from the devil I believe," she shot back.

"I wouldn't put it past the world. If we find a way to Hell while there, I'm getting you checked out."

"Why me?"

"Because since they're related to you, you probably have devil-ness in you, of course. I can't afford having a devil spawn as my wife, now can I?"

"You've been doing fine with it for a while," Valkyrie grumbled. She tugged at the black dress he made her wear for today. "I think _you_ might be a devil spawn. Making me wear dresses…"

"You won't ever get over this, will you?"

"Nope!" She grinned at him and turned up the radio. He turned it right back down. She turned it back up. This continued until Skulduggery pulled the Bentley up the curb to Valkyrie's aunt and uncle's house before sighing loudly. Valkyrie took as long as possible getting out of the car, while Skulduggery stood waiting impatiently for her.

"We're already late; do you want them to hate us more?"

"I don't believe that's possible." Valkyrie flashed a smile and sprinted up the walkway in her heels. He ran after her, abruptly stopping right before the door. Valkyrie turned around and silently dusted him off and adjusted his hat. His eyes shimmered as he leaned to kiss her cheek softly.

"Are you ready to enter the seventh circle of Hell?" Valkyrie asked, smiling widely.

He smirked and winked. "Ready if you are," he said. She kissed him back and leaned in to ring the doorbell. There was a chime that echoed through the house, and footsteps were heard. Beryl's face appeared at a window by the door. Her frown deepened ever so slightly.

The door opened and she stepped outside with them. "You're late," she began sourly.

"That would be my fault, Aunt Beryl," Valkyrie sighed. "You know, being forced into this dress and all."

Beryl's eyes glazed over the pale man standing beside her niece. His eyes were green, and his floppy hair kept getting in his eyes. His rather exquisite suit was dark green and his fedora matched.

"I don't believe we've met, Mrs. Edgley," he said grandly, and gave a tip of his hat.

Her frown was about to fall off her face. "You're that distasteful Pleasant's man _son_, aren't you?" she asked, the sourness practically oozing from her. Skulduggery glanced nervously at Valkyrie, who gave a slight tap of her shoe, meaning yes.

He nodded once and scratched his head slightly. "Yes…" He dragged the word out. "My father…is a rather unusual man." Beryl nodded once and stepped aside for the two to enter. Skulduggery allowed them both to pass first, muttering something about "ladies first".

Beryl shut the door behind them and turned _ungracefully_. "If you'll follow me," she growled and led the way into the dining room. Fergus was seated at a cushioned arm chair, reading some magazine. He glanced up nervously at Valkyrie and Skulduggery, nodded once, and then looked back down.

Across from him sat Carol and Crystal, each seated on either side of the couch, with their husbands between them.

Carol's husband, Adam, had red hair like flames. His nose was too big for his face, and his eyes were too small for his glasses. He was scrawny and quite an awkward little man, much the opposite of his wife.

Crystal's husband, Mitch, had incredibly large features. His mouth and teeth stretched across half of his enormous cheekbones, while his short crop of blond hair sat pitifully on his big head. He had a silly little goatee upon his chin.

"Hey guys," Valkyrie grinned and sat down slowly on the couch across from them. "Haven't seen you since the wedding."

Mitch nodded. "Same goes for you," he replied, rather distastefully again.

"They stay hidden in that _big, grand _mansion of Stephanie's," Carol muttered angrily. It was obvious the twins were still a little bitter about the whole Gordon's will ordeal. "While her parents jet off to France five times a year to stay in their precious villa."

Silence came and hit them all like a bag of bricks.

Adam sighed quietly and patted Carol's leg. "At least you'll have Sarah Jamie," he mumbled in her ear, but both Skulduggery and Valkyrie picked it up right away. They both shot glances at each other, but Beryl stood up suddenly.

"Lunch?" she asked, probably hoping to get her niece and her niece's husband out as quickly as possible.

The rest of the lunch went on normally – awkward silences and all – that is, until Carol suddenly jumped up and ran from the room. Adam rushed straight after her.

Again the silence settled like two feet of snow.

"Who's Sarah Jamie?" Skulduggery finally asked.

Crystal frowned and scraped her fork across her plate. "Carol's pregnant, and it's a girl. They picked a name."

Valkyrie nodded, finally understanding. "How far along is she?"

"Two months," Beryl replied.

"Hell of a two months," Fergus muttered cheekily. Skulduggery couldn't help but smirk.

"Speaking of children, do you have any plans, Stephanie?" Beryl asked with _such _stealth, no one saw it coming. No really, Valkyrie almost choked on her drink, while Skulduggery just coughed awkwardly.

Skulduggery was the first to recover. "We have not discussed this particular subject…at length yet…" He chose his words carefully, like he was interrogating a suspect.

"How long have you been married, then?" Beryl asked, her frown returning. "It's not like I'm crazy for asking you this."

"Two years this October," Valkyrie answered. "And, no offense Aunt Beryl, but I believe that this would be a subject that the husband and wife would discuss, not the husband, wife, and aunt."

Beryl huffed and stared at the tablecloth. She watched as Carol and Adam returned, both looking a little grossed out. The two sat at the table, but immediately Carol jumped right back again. Mitch, Adam, and Crystal all bolted after her. Beryl had her frown set to maximum as she watched Fergus slink off into the study.

"I think it would be best if we were to leave," Skulduggery muttered quietly. "Not that it wasn't lovely, but it seems puking has taken decided to come around."

Beryl nodded and poised her lips, like she had been sucking a lemon. "Nice seeing you again."

"We'll get started on that baby making," Valkyrie added as she and Skulduggery sauntered off, leaving Beryl a little too stunned to move.

* * *

Meeh. I wanted this to be better, but alas, I suck D: Sorry for mistakes!

:)


	66. Black and White Film

So. Incredibly long explanation for this one: I was rereading the first book, and got to the part where Skul comes and rescues pre-Valkyrie. He's beating that guy up, and the phrase "damsel in distress" pops into my mind. I continue to think about that, and how it's usually associated with a woman tied onto train tracks with some evil guy about to run her over with a train. Then I thought about that one **Sabrina the Teenage Witch **episode, where all their crazy witch magic actually makes all that happen.

SO. The plot for this is the plot for that episode.

Also. As I was rereading that part, and Skulduggery started talking about his adventures and friendship with Gordon, I noticed some major bromance from those two…Just saying.

:]

**Valkyrie is eighteen.

* * *

**

Skulduggery Pleasant turned the corner sharply, his old 19th century coat tails flying behind him. He frowned as the black-and-white surroundings melted in front of his eye sockets. Dead soldiers in gray colored uniforms holding rifles all frowned at him, then aimed and fired. Skulduggery whipped back and pressed himself up against the wall.

"Do you think my dress can shield us?" Tanith asked, gesturing to her huge ball gown type dress, like the old ones the 19th century women wore.

"I don't think that would work, Tanith," the skeleton replied.

She shrugged and hoisted the bodice farther up her torso. "Just a thought."

"You didn't happen to see where Mr. Harrison went, did you?"

"No, but I could hear Valkyrie screaming for a little bit after he disappeared. I think they headed that way." She pointed to the exact spot of the soldiers with the guns. Suddenly, there was a loud squeak, following by a train horn. Both heard a scream.

"We don't have any time to think about this," Skulduggery said urgently. "You don't have your sword, but can you still walk on walls?" Tanith nodded, and to show him, shifted her gravity and crept up the wall they were pushed up against. "Good. Go around slowly, and when you're above them, jump down. I'll come around with my gun."

Tanith nodded and slowly made her way around the corner. She kept high enough on the wall of the strange maze they were trapped in, and Skulduggery pulled his old gun out. He cocked it and pointed it in front of him. He heard a loud thud, and some shouting, and he quick jumped out and aimed the gun. Tanith was standing by some unconscious men, and was beating up another guy. Skulduggery shot one man in the arm, then another in the leg.

"Let's go!" he shouted, and they sprinted away.

Somehow, Tanith, Valkyrie, and Skulduggery had all gotten wrapped up in an old-fashioned villain's scheme. This man - named Mr. Harrison - had taken them all in this maze, transformed the world into an old black-and-white film, then gave each of them an old 1800's type outfit. He had captured Valkyrie, and he had told Skulduggery and Tanith earlier that he would be tying Valkyrie to some train tracks, like the old cliché villain he was.

There was another sudden train horn sounding in the air along with an evil cackle. They heard another scream, and both quickened their pace.

"I don't want to take Val home as a pancake," Tanith said as she sped up in her heels under the giant light colored dress that was bestowed upon her. "How awkward would that be?"

"Quite awkward, Mith Low!" Mr. Harrison said grandly, as they both skidded to a halt at the end of the maze. Mr. Harrison had a rather _prominent_ lisp. "You're here jutht in time!" He gestured to the blank landscape across from them. The black-and-white-ness began melting away, revealing train tracks. A struggling figure dressed in a huge black colored dress was tied with light colored rope to the metal, and a train could be seen in the distance.

"Stop with the talking and get me off the ground!" Valkyrie shouted as she continued to struggle.

Mr. Harrison laughed like Santa Claus. His whole body shook. "Not yet, Mith Cain. Firtht, they mutht fight me. But Mith Low! Ladieth like you thould not fight! You belong with the other women." His hand waved, and Tanith disappeared, but she began forming next to Valkyrie, tied up on the train tracks as well.

"Hey there, Val," she smiled. "Doing alright?"

"Just peachy," Valkyrie grumbled.

"How about we have a duel?" Mr. Harrison called out gleefully. "I think we thould thee who hath the betht refletheth, no? Mr. Pleathant, pleathe pull out your gun."

Skulduggery sighed and reached into his coat pocket, and he produced a fully fledged rifle magically. Mr. Harrison was holding the same type of rifle in his hands as well. He held up the gun aimed it at Skulduggery. Old-fashioned music began playing, and it gradually sped up and got louder as the train came closer and closer.

"Be prepared, Mr. Pleathant!" Mr. Harrison said. Skulduggery lifted his own gun to his shoulder and aimed it. He placed his bony finger on the trigger and almost pulled it.

In a flash, Mr. Harrison released the trigger and sent a bullet whizzing past Skulduggery. Skulduggery ran past Mr. Harrison, dodging another bullet that had magically reappeared.

The train honked again.

More bullets went past his head.

"How can I keep mithing!?" Mr. Harrison screamed, throwing the gun down on the ground in defeat. The skeleton gave a bum-rush up to Mr. Harrison and knocked him over the head with the butt of the gun. Mr. Harrison keeled over and moaned.

"Not fair," he whispered and lost consciousness. The train honked again as it came barreling down the tracks.

"Any day now Skulduggery!" Valkyrie shouted. Skulduggery rushed over to the women and quick ripped the ropes from their bodies. Tanith jumped and ran away, while Skulduggery hoisted Valkyrie up. They both jumped away as the train came rushing past them, honking and steaming down until it disappeared from the tracks suddenly.

"That was quite strange," Skulduggery mused as he still held onto Valkyrie.

Tanith nodded. "Yeah, and not that I don't just love my dress, but why aren't we all back to normal?"

"Good question," Skulduggery answered, "with an even better answer." He suddenly dipped Valkyrie and kissed her softly. The black-and-white background withered away, revealing Gordon's lush garden. "When the hero rescues the damsel in distress from the train tracks, they always kiss," Skulduggery said defensively when he let Valkyrie back up.

Tanith giggled and waltzed back into the house. "I think you just wanted a kiss, Pleathant!" she yelled. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow and followed Tanith.

"I'm not making this up!" he shouted back. "I swear that's what happens!" Valkyrie smirked and shot him a look. "Stop looking at me like that! It's true!"

* * *

I'm sorry this is a fail as well. I had a bunch of different ways to approach this…and they were going good until I just suddenly hated it. And I'm sorry if I offended anyone with a lisp. I just gave him a random characteristic. But I digress...

Excuse my mistakes :)


	67. The Good Type of PSA

OH. MY GOSH.

One day,0 I was in a seriously terrible mood. Like, slamming things and screaming and crying and snot was coming out of my nose. It was noooot pretty.

BUT.

I flipped on my computer; angrily read some more of **The Lost Colony **from the **Artemis Fowl **series, then checked my e-mail.

2 messages came from Facebook, and they were pointless.

17 others came from you all! My mood gradually changed from so-pissed-I-could-kill-a-puppy to mildly annoyed upon reading all your great and hilarious reviews. This goes for everyone who read all of my stories. They make me laugh so hard. Like, all the time.

BUT. AGAIN.

I actually go over to the SP part of here, and check some updates real fast, and THEN: I scrolled down to find the recently left reviews and DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?

FREAKING 402 REVIEWS FOR THIS. (I realize that there are now more that 402, but I made this when there were 402.)

I SCREAMED.

(Thank God my mom wasn't home.)

So. Just a huuuge shout out to EVERYONE who has ever reviewed and or read this particular story or any of them in general. All of your comments keep me so motivated to write (around ¾ of the time XD) and I appreciate everyone's feedback.

So, special shout out goes to **TheBlueBottle **for _officially_ being my 400th reviewer!! Of course, this review was not intended for this particular story, but I still love you for it. BUT. **Epic **shout out to **spanner in the works **since it was actually intended for this XD

Anyways, I looooooooove you all and thank you sooo much!

This ends my pointless and scream-y PSA. So...Head over and read my very slow update for the next chapter!!

Danke :DDDDDDDD


	68. Gender Swap

Why?

Because I can.

* * *

Fletcher Renn awoke and staggered out of the guest bed Valkyrie let him stay in. He had dropped by recently, taking a break from his recent adventures down in Mexico. His balance felt unnatural, and his head felt heavier. He figured it was just his amazingness weighing down on him _finally_. He also just thought his balance was off because of the big shirt he had worn to bed.

He opened the door from the guest bedroom and marveled at the cushion-y carpet that Valkyrie's uncle had gotten. He would marry this carpet, if possible. Fletcher continued trudging downstairs, not pausing at the mirror in the stairway to marvel at his attractive looks. He jumped the last two steps and landed surprisingly daintily, then headed into the kitchen. Skulduggery was sitting at the table, reading a paper. He momentarily looked up from his reading, and then looked back down. But he suddenly snapped his head back up and taking in Fletcher's _new_ looks again.

"Can't get enough of my face, can you?" he asked, the trademark grin plastered to his face. He paused, surprised at how much higher his voice sounded. He was past that awkward voice cracking stage of puberty.

Skulduggery shook his head, at a loss for words, which had rarely occurred. "I think something might be wrong with you…" He trailed off, staring harder at Fletcher. "Something terrible has happened."

"Yeah, I don't think this is good," said a new voice. It was deeper, yet still slightly high. Fletcher wheeled around, catching sight of something light colored whip around beside him. He ignored it, and focused on Valkyrie, who had just come in.

Or rather, the person who _looked_ like Valkyrie.

Fletcher noticed her hair was much shorter, and her body was leaner and she was taller. The clothes she wore to bed were huge and even more baggy than normal.

"What the heck happened?" Fletcher shrieked, literally. His hand flew up to his mouth, surprised at his squeaky-ness. He took his hand back to notice the perfectly shaped nails and dainty fingers on his smaller hand. His arm was thinner than he remembered. He looked down his body and noticed something on his chest…

"I HAVE BOOBS," he shouted so incredibly high both Valkyrie and Skulduggery had to wince. "WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?" He felt his head and played with the long blond hair that had magically grown. It was curly, and went down past his waist. He placed his hands on his new and thin thighs and rubbed them experimentally. No way was he feeling up his chest though, whether _those things_ were fake or not.

He stopped his self-groping and stared at Valkyrie. She looked just as confused as he did. She reached a finger and poked her chest hard, testing to see if _they_ were still there. They weren't, much to her disappointment.

"So," Skulduggery eventually said after a few minutes of silence, "it seems someone caused a gender swap. This happened once before I believe, and it only lasted for…a month."

"A MONTH?!" both Valkyrie and Fletcher shouted.

Skulduggery nodded. "You two should survive until then, right? It can't be too bad."

"Um yes!" Valkyrie shouted back. "There is something _down below_ my legsand it's the grossest feeling. I refuse to live like this." Her deep voice added to the death-glare she gave to Skulduggery.

"And these things are going to get into the way!" Fletcher whined, poking at the swells on his chest. Skulduggery began laughing manically. Valkyrie started laughing at him as well. Her…man laugh was way to deep for Fletcher's liking. He screamed loudly, his voice hitting new pitches he never thought possible…

Fletcher Renn bolted straight up in bed, panting, and sweaty. He flung the covers off and felt his upper torso, making sure his chest was still flat. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt nothing, and noticed his hair was still normal length.

"That was horrible," he mumbled and fell back asleep instantly.

* * *

HAHA. :D

**Moecat433 **and I were discussing Sanguine in a dress, and then we wondered what it would be like to gender swap Fletcher…And I felt it would go like this.

Thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes! I apologize for taking a while to upload anything. :D


	69. Texting

The **bold** is Skulduggery's.

The underline is Valkyrie's.

No, I don't know why and what this is. I just enjoy the idea of them having a retarded conversation like this.

* * *

Oh my God, this is so boring.

**It can't be that bad.**

Listening to Kenspeckle talk about nothing for an hour is bad, Skulduggery. 

**I thought you loved Kenspeckle. **

I do, but not enough to listen to him talk about the magical properties of Marsupials. I. Do. Not. Care.

**Marsupials?**

Apparently they have some magic crap in their pockets or whatever they have. 

**We should go to Australia and capture a kangaroo.**

Why a kangaroo?

**Because…kangaroos are Marsupials.**

I thought they were monkeys!

**Why did I marry you?**

Because you love me.**  
**

**Meh. There had to have been a better reason. **

…Because I was about to punch out your lights, so you threw together that sappy proposal to save your pretty face?

**Why thank you, my face is quite pretty. **

Not the point.

**My face is always the point.**

Not really. What about me? And the Marsupials?

**I'm better than Marsupials. **

Ha, whatever. 

**You're terrible. Do you know anything about the universe?**

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

**Do what?**

Insult me like that.

**I wasn't insulting you, but rather asking a question.**

I took it as an insult.

**That's your own fault.**

"Valkyrie!" Kenspeckle shouted. "Are you even listening?"

"I caught something about Marsupials," she replied quietly.

"Yes, and they have magical properties in their feet. Now, as I was saying…" He began talking again, droning about Marsupials and their rare magical feet properties.

Oh my God, this is so boring.

**Are we really going to have this conversation again?**

Valkyrie didn't reply for a moment, but then quick typed back a message. Skulduggery picked up his phone and read the message Valkyrie had just sent him.

Yes, and that is why I love you :D

He smiled at his phone, only to have Guild and Crux yell at him for the second time for not paying attention.

**Have I told you how much I hate that we're in two different places, but we're both being subjected to torture about mind-numbing things like Marsupials and Tromelin Island?**

Valkyrie frowned. Wow, this sucks. Where's Tromealjdljfa Island?

**Off the coast of Africa. I think. I'm not listening to what they're saying.**

Tell them I said hi.

**Really Valkyrie?**

No, actually don't. You could tell them I hope they both cease to exist, but whatever. 

**I'm sure they'd appreciate that. **

I know; they love me. 

**I wouldn't bet on that, love. **

Ouch. Everyone's loves me. You love me. 

**Yes, but that's still not why I married you. I think I just wanted to get some. **

Pervert. Horny skeleton.

**Oh thank you. **

Well you're the pervert and horny skeleton. 

**That was uncalled for. But I think the getting tied down to the freakiest woman ever and then getting some was worth it. She's quite the pretty freakiest woman ever. Dare I say, even sexy?**

I'll let her know. 

**Good. Maybe then I'd get some soon. **

No guarantees. She might have killed herself, because now she's being bored about how monkeys have special fluids in their eyeballs that can glue fingers back on. 

**Ew. Now Guild and Crux have moved onto Monaco, where my beloved once ruled. **

I've never ruled Monaco. 

**Maybe because you're not Grace Kelly. **

I don't think she ever knew you existed. 

**But she replied to my letter!**

Her servants probably did. And how funny is it that you wrote a letter to your crush. That's like…writing stories about real people and obsessing over them. 

**Way to kick a man when he's down. That was below the belt. **

Good thing you didn't take a little pill thing. That would have really hurt.

**Agreed. I definitely wouldn't be getting any. I think I should get some tonight. **

I hope you're talking about cake. 

**Naturally. **

Good, because I have lots of cake. 

**Is it delicious?**

Very delicious. 

**And does it go for a long time? Like would I be able to enjoy my cake for a few hours?**

A few days if we have nothing going on. 

"Skulduggery!" Remus Crux and Thurid Guild yelled at the skeleton.

"Valkyrie!" Kenspeckle Grouse shouted at the young woman.

The two looked up at the different men lecturing them about different things, and both gave the same answer when asked what the heck they were doing.

"Talking about cake."


	70. Puke

BATHROOOOM IDEA. Thank goodness! I've been so low with ideas for this!

* * *

Oh…And…Just everyone who has read Dark Days could you maybe forget everything that happened in that book and let me have my romance and happy things?

Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant nodded to each other and split up. Valkyrie took to the alleyway that led to the other street, while Skulduggery took to the rooftops. They were tracking a wanted criminal named Assist Ring. He had committed four murders so far, and they had _finally _caught up to him.

Valkyrie was well aware of the time. It was around seven in the morning. The two partners had been out all night. She grimaced as her stomach turned slightly. She heard Assist's heavy footsteps against the pavement, and then a light thud as Skulduggery landed on the ground. Assist shouted in surprise, and he managed to escape the skeleton. Valkyrie stepped gracefully out of the alley and smirked at him.

"You are not pleasing to me," Assist grumbled. His first language wasn't English. It was Hungarian.

"Sorry," Valkyrie said. She pulled out her handcuffs and waved them in front of his face. Her eyes grew wide suddenly, and she bent over and retched. Assist screamed loudly at the shock of having someone puke on his shoes. Skulduggery raced up to them and placed a hand on Valkyrie's back.

"Freaking morning sickness," she mumbled, spitting and glaring at Assist. His face was horrified, and he refused to look at any point on the ground. Valkyrie's smirk was small, as she continued to dangle the cuffs in his face. "I'll help you clean up your shoes if you come quietly and let us arrest you."

* * *

So…**Lonewolf66 **said that everything I write is fantastic, and that I should really stop saying that everything is bad and terribly written.

(And thanks for that, btw. That was a really sweet thing to say.)

Also **hexxed quill **said something along with that **Lonewolf66 **said, so danke shön for that as well…

But…I really do find this to be a bit sucky X3

However, thanks for reading! :D


	71. Daisy Sweets

I friggin love this idea, and I'm going to try my best to make it super awesome.

Har har…

* * *

Daisy Sweets was the perfect definition of a Barbie doll.

She had long and soft blond hair, baby blue eyes, and incredibly smooth skin. Her waist was tiny, and her legs could be considered chew toys for dogs. Her skin was tan, like she went to the beach once a week. Oh, she wore way too much pink as well.

Daisy stepped out of her pristine car and was helped into the house of the recently murdered. The victim was named Lock Zinc. Daisy crouched down by the body with a disgusted look.

"So, like, what did you already find out and stuff?" she wondered loudly in her soprano voice.

She was swept away by someone to give her a debriefing. On her way there, she passed by a _really_ sexy guy and a pretty girl. They were talking in _really _quiet tones.

She patiently listened to the progress the Sanctuary had made, then went to examine the body again. She noticed the pretty girl from before was by the body too. This girl was dressed from head to toe in black, and she had dark eyes and hair.

"Hi there!" Daisy said cheerfully, holding out her left hand for a shake. "I don't think we've met before. I'm Daisy Sweets, but call me Daisy."

The girl stood up, and Daisy realized this girl had to be around her own age, which was 62.

"I don't think we've met either," the woman replied, shaking her hand. "Valkyrie Cain," she said. "What exactly do you do here at the Sanctuary? And what's your power?"

"Oh, I'm, like, a private investigator for murders and stuff. This dead guy's family wanted me to, like, find out who murdered him and stuff. I'm supposed to look for clues, or something. But I'm an elemental! What's that on your wrist?"

Valkyrie jangled her necromancy bracelet. "I'm a necromancer," she said slowly. Valkyrie always thought it was a bit obvious.

"OMG." Daisy Sweets jumped up and down. "That is SO COOL."

Valkyrie rose an eyebrow. "Uh, thanks, I guess."

"But, oh my GOSH, I totally heard about you! You're that guy with the coat's partner, right? It's, like, something like that."

"I'm an official detective," Valkyrie explained skeptically, "but yeah, Skulduggery Pleasant and I are partners."

"_Him_?" Daisy asked quietly, discreetly pointing to the human-form of Skulduggery, who was reading over a paper by the corner of the room.

"Yeah, that's him."

"Wasn't he…a…ghost, or something? I heard he was screwed up in the head."

"He was a _skeleton_," Valkyrie corrected, really trying to hide her impatience.

"Wow, that is, like, seriously the coolest thing ever. Is he dating anyone right now? He's really sexy, don't you, like, think?"

Valkyrie fingered the wedding ring on her left hand behind her back, and she suddenly got a terribly mean idea. "I don't think he's dating anyone right now," she answered.

"OH MY GOSH," Daisy beamed. "Okay, I'm _so_ going over to talk to him."

She gave a wave to Valkyrie and skipped over to Skulduggery. He didn't even look up as she tapped his shoulder.

"Hey there, baby," Daisy said quietly.

Skulduggery looked up at that. He looked into the face of Daisy and frowned. "Who are you? And don't call me that."

"I'm Daisy Sweets, darling."

"Uh, nice to meet you…I guess," he muttered, giving a wave.

"I've heard _all _about you and stuff. You seem…_so_ strong," she whispered, giving his bicep a squeeze. He flailed away from her, cringing, and trying not to growl in anger.

"_Don't_ do that," he grumbled, going back to the file he was reading earlier.

"I thought you'd like that, darling," Daisy breathed into his ear, tangling her fingers in his hair.

"Well I've known you a total of four minutes," Skulduggery replied sarcastically, "so you wouldn't know if I liked mangoes or not."

"OMG, I SO like mangoes!" she said excitedly, throwing her strong arms around his frame. He groaned and ducked away from her, trying to get away. He saw Valkyrie standing across the room, her arms folded, with an eyebrow up. He gave her a silent plea before Daisy slipped her arm through his arm.

"Are you dating anyone right now?" she asked quietly.

He frowned. "Even if I wasn't, I wouldn't _want_ to _date_ you."

"That was SO mean!" she screamed. "I may have to punish you."

"I'd like to see you punch me."

"Maybe you _will_ see…Later," she said with a crazy smile.

"Woah," Valkyrie said from behind Daisy and Skulduggery, "it seems Barbie can't take a hint." She was fed up from watching them and decided to take matters into her own hands.

Daisy scoffed loudly and stomped her foot. "Well, I see a hot guy and I-" She was instantly cut off when Valkyrie's fist connected with her face. She went tumbling to the ground.

"Don't ever call him that, right, Barbie?" Valkyrie growled, bending down next to her. "And next time a guy flat out rejects you, stop trying to _force_ him into your pants."

Daisy glared. "Why do you care?"

Valkyrie and Skulduggery each held out their left hands, showing the wedding rings.

"You said he wasn't dating anyone!" Daisy said in her defense.

"Yeah, he isn't. He's married," Valkyrie said.

"Same thing!"

"Not really," Skulduggery said.

Daisy groaned and whimpered as she got up dramatically. Someone by the door helped her into her car, and she sped off.

"Geez, Skulduggery," Valkyrie finally muttered, "you thought _I_ was dumb."

* * *

So…Like/Not Like?

I love my exaggerated characters :3

I'm in the middle really. But I'm getting a whole lot of ideas for this, so I'm happy! :D

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes!


	72. All The World's A Stage

**Slight sexual themes. Nothing much, I suppose.

* * *

**

The stage was set.

Billy-Ray Sanguine stood at one corner of the room, his razor pressed up against 23 year old Valkyrie Cain's tender neck.

Skulduggery Pleasant was poised in another corner, a flame glowing in his hand. Ghastly Bespoke stood beside him. Tanith Low had her sword drawn and Fletcher Renn had his fists raised. They were in a third corner.

Valkyrie squirmed against the Texan's grip on her pelvic bone. He instantly moved one arm to grip around her stomach, while the other limb held the razor still closer to her neck.

"They'll kill you," Valkyrie hissed.

Sanguine shrugged. "I've got a good mode of transportation, don't I?" He began sinking in the ground, and Valkyrie shrieked. He pulled back up with a wicked smirk forming on his lips.

"We'll make a deal!" Tanith shouted desperately. "One of us for her! Or we'll drop charges on you!"

"Actually we can't do that," Skulduggery muttered. He stepped forward, and Sanguine began sinking again.

"I said to not take another step closer, Funny Bones," he grumbled, shifting his hands again. Valkyrie whimpered as his hand draped across her chest lazily. He was barely grazing her breast. "Don't get excited, Valkyrie," he mumbled with a smirk. She glared and tried stomping on his foot, but he brought his razor down and cut her arm lightly. Valkyrie moaned in pain while everyone screamed in terror. They all knew that that scar would never heal.

"Whoops," Sanguine simply said and sunk into the ground. The last they heard was everyone shouting for Sanguine and Valkyrie.

Valkyrie clung to him tightly as they tunneled through the ground under Irish soil. No matter how many times she was forced to go underground with him, she never got used to the dark and claustrophobic surroundings. They arrived at their destination a bit later, and Sanguine immediately got a medical kit for Valkyrie's fresh cut on her arm.

"I'm sorry 'bout that," he said from his place on the floor by the bed. "Instinct, ya know?"

Valkyrie nodded and placed a band-aid on the cut. "At least it wasn't your _real_ one."

Billy-Ray grunted and reached into his coat pocket. He found his real straight-razor and began playing with it as Valkyrie cleaned up. He looked up in delight when she stepped out of the bathroom of their hotel, dressed in barely anything.

"What? You tryin' to seduce me?" he asked incredulously, with a mocking tone in his voice. Valkyrie merely shrugged and stood before the psychotic American. He raised a hand slowly and rubbed up and down her leg.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a great actor?" Valkyrie questioned him, yanking off his tie and throwing it across the room. She had crawled down to his level on the ground and was sitting in his lap.

"Ah, really?" he said, smirking. He whipped away his sunglasses and held them out dramatically, then said, "**Wherefore art thou, my Romeo?**" His accent gave a twang to the Shakespearean line that made Valkyrie laugh.

"**It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!**" Valkyrie declared, finished the last of the buttons on Sanguine's shirt and tossing it aside. He grinned sinfully and dragged her from the floor and pushed her onto the hotel bed. She clicked her teeth together and gave him a wry look.

"You ain't a bad actress yourself, really," Sanguine continued. "For a good second, I did think we were back to hatin' each other again. A darn shame that woulda been, huh?" He pushed her down on the bed so she was lying on it and flopped down next to her, tracing the outlines of her abs on her stomach.

Valkyrie smiled and shivered. "Well thank you. I actually thought the same thing. Though be careful about the hands. I'm sure someone was bound to catch onto it."

"What? Aw, what if I just had my _hands_ in an awkward, yet marvelous, position? You were movin' pretty fast. Like a pretty kitty-cat."

She shrugged and said, "Point made. But you know, we got away with it, so for now, make with getting those pants off."

"Yes, ma'am!" he shouted and gave a salute.

And then the curtains closed, and the stage became empty again.

* * *

You know, it's funny how I got the idea for this while thinking about Valkyrie trying to _stop_ Sanguine XD

The Shakespearean lines in bold are from _Romeo and Juliet_ (if you didn't know that, get out of my presence). And the title for this particular story is taken from William Shakespeare's famous quote from the play _As You Like It. _It's only the first line.

So thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	73. Spider Murder

Valkyrie Cain rarely screamed and cowered in fear.

There were only a few instances in which this happened, and she assured herself that the situations _needed_ someone to scream and cower in fear.

This situation deemed worthy of crying out for anyone who would come and rescue her as she stood ten feet away from the terrifying monster in front of her.

Valkyrie eyed the creature and let a high pitched scream out from her throat. Instantly, footsteps echoed like thunder throughout the house. The door to her room burst open with great force, and there stood Skulduggery and Fletcher, ready to pounce on anything threatening.

"KILL IT!" Valkyrie shouted and pointed to the menacing thing.

"What? What?" Fletcher asked wildly. "What are we killing?"

"THAT!" she replied, still pointing.

Skulduggery cocked his head and wandered over to where she was pointing. He gave a small chuckle, crossed the room in a few strides, grabbed three tissues, and attacked the wall. He threw the offending dead creature in the garbage can and brushed his hands together.

Skulduggery really couldn't help himself. He began laughing at his crouched and scared partner, and he said between fits of laughter, "I believe someone has a fear or spiders."

* * *

It's been a spider genocide in my bathroom lately. They're all booger-colored and _gross_.


	74. Performing Hallucinations

**DARK DAYS MINI-SPOILERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

* * *

**

Skulduggery Pleasant cocked his head curiously.

Valkyrie Cain gave a wave to him. "Hey there."

"Hello. What are you doing?"

She looked down at her legs and feet, which were tapping and moving around. "I'm dancing. I'll start singing in a second or two, so just hold on."

"Ah. That's good."

"Indeed."

Silence.

"Why must we always be singing and dancing here?" she literally sang. "I hate doing this. I hate singing, and I suck at dancing."

"My apologies," Skulduggery replied. "I'll see what I can do for you then. If only I could factor Ghastly in here."

He paused and cocked his head to the other side. He grunted, obviously pleased with himself, as he looked over the new Valkyrie in front of him.

"This isn't any better, Pleasant!" she shouted, picking up a rock and launching it at his face. Skulduggery didn't flinch, since he knew it couldn't hurt him.

"Well that's what came up. I can't think of anything else," he replied, testily, but still cheerfully.

Valkyrie had stopped singing and dancing, but was now stuck in a pristine, white wedding dress. "Why when thinking of me you think of wedding dresses? Who associates me and weddings together? I'm the least likely person to get married."

"Besides Fletcher. No one likes him."

"Hey!" she shouted, throwing her shoe at him this time. "I still like the kid. If he just got rid of that hair."

Skulduggery shrugged. "He's weird."

"Not any weirder than you," Valkyrie shot back. "I'm in a wedding dress that you thought up! Freak."

"That's quite mean."

"I know. But like it or not," she said as she stepped closer and bent down next to him, "you are so going to get out of this screwed world and you'll join the non-singing-and-dancing-non-wedding-dress-wearing version of Valkyrie Cain. The _real_ her."

He grunted once. "How do I know that you're not lying? Scapegrace once said that he loved me while visiting me here, and I think that was a lie."

"That wasn't even real."

"Good point."

"Definitely."

Silence again.

"Anyway," Valkyrie said, standing up, suddenly dressed in the clothes that Ghastly made for her, "I have to get going. It's high-time I got out of here. There are just a few more days, I promise."

"A few more days until what?" Skulduggery mumbled.

"My final performance," she said with a wink. And then she disappeared.

Skulduggery shrugged and settled up against the cave wall. "I hope she sings something from _Phantom of the Opera_."

* * *

Eh. It's hard writing FO portal Skulduggery.

Hope you liked it and danke schön for reading! :D


	75. New World War

I got the idea after shaving my legs…Uh…

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant poured over the map in front of him. His old house on Cemetery Road had been converted into his headquarters for the Elemental Side. Ghastly Bespoke stood by his side, reading over a recent letter sent from Fletcher Renn, who remained neutral in the New World War.

The map contained all the places there had been battles in the New World War. The green dots were where his Elemental troops had been. The red dots were the Adepts, and the black dots were the Necromancers. There were huge stars as to where the battles took place, and whatever color they were signaled who had won that battle. The Adepts were lagging behind, with the Elementals in second, and the Necromancers were looking at a good and strong lead.

Skulduggery Pleasant led the Elementals, with Ghastly as his right hand.

Tanith Low led the Adepts, and she had Finbar Wrong as her number one. He technically wasn't an Adept, but he fell into that category and picked this side to fight on.

Valkyrie Cain was the leader of the Necromancers, and her right hand was none other than Solomon Wreath.

Skulduggery picked up a black knight from a chess set and placed it near Haggard. "If we were to organize here and attack the Necromancers, we would have the ocean and plenty of street space to cover on our side. We might get China to help us."

"You know China would never help you," said a new voice suddenly. Both men whirled around, flames in their hands, and ready to attack. Valkyrie Cain held up her hands defensively, while Solomon Wreath remained stoic and unmoving. His hand just barely tightened on his cane.

"Skulduggery, China is the Switzerland of wars. You of all people should know this. Fletcher's like Sweden." She frowned at the flames still in their hands. "I won't attack if you won't."

Skulduggery grunted once, but wrung his hand out and stood straight and still. "What do you want?"

Valkyrie shrugged. "I wanted to talk. See how things were going up at the fort. Bad use of expression, since all I really wanted to do was see how _you_ were."

"Distressed, General Cain," he replied icily.

Valkyrie's lip curled into a sneer, and she turned to Ghastly and said, "If I send out Wreath, Ghastly, would you go out with him and leave us alone?"

He didn't say anything, but when Wreath breezed right by him on Valkyrie's command, he didn't want to show disobedience, especially when comparing to a Necromancer. He left swiftly, shutting the door quietly, leaving the old partners behind.

"Leave the war talk behind for this visit, alright?" Valkyrie began. "I just showed up because I wanted to talk to my favorite egotistical skeleton like old times, and not when we were sworn enemies."

"The _old times_ have passed, General Cain," Skulduggery said sharply. "If you had wanted to talk, talking as someone on my side would have been better, but you just _had_ to join the Necromancer side, didn't you? What do they have that we don't? Hmm? Scars on the wrists?"

"Hey!" she shouted angrily. "If you're going to be like that I'm going to send all of my troops right in here and attack your little fortress."

"Gordon's mansion couldn't handle the heat from the Elementals," Skulduggery snapped back. "How does your uncle feel about this, huh? A little distraught over the fact that terrible, death-sucking morons are taking over his beloved house? Shamed that his favorite niece let her foolish Necromancer soldiers run wild in his home?"

Valkyrie glared hard and long at the tired skeleton before taking a deep breath and releasing a few shadows to coil around her. "I came here on peaceful grounds," she merely stated. "And I really hoped to leave on peaceful grounds as well, but the way your talking makes it seem like I won't."

"Yes, such a shame."

"Such a shame that I considered surrendering as well."

Skulduggery froze. "Surrender? Like completely dispersing your troops and openly admitting that the great Death Bringer gave up to a skinny skeleton who throws fire?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, something like that."

Skulduggery knew not to completely trust her word. She had lied before, in the past. One little lie jump started everything about this war. She had cheated and tricked her way through the ranks of pretty much everything in the world. No one was brave enough to go head and head in the race for the General spot in the Necromancer army. That's why the more distinguished Solomon Wreath was only second-in-command.

"I can't trust you, now can I?" Skulduggery said sadly.

Valkyrie's eyes cast downward. "I've lied a lot in the past, and in a way, I'm lying right now."

Skulduggery lost it. He pounded his fist on the table with the map, breaking the black knight that stood for the Necromancer army in the process. "You come here," he growled, "like you have all the time in the world, while everyone is out there dying because of your stupid mistakes in life! You are a terrible person. How dare you just send a full-scale attack on the newest additions to my troops, killing every single one of them! One of them was twelve! Guess who was an innocent twelve year old girl just learning of this dark world once."

"Would you relax?" Valkyrie shouted, hammering her fist onto the table as well, stabbing through the wood and map right at a place that the Adepts had won a battle. "Just let me explain!"

"Too late for that, General Cain," Skulduggery replied, bending his bony knees and conjuring fire in his hand. Before he could react, Valkyrie pushed the table up against him and snuffed the flame out with her darkness.

"General Pleasant, I will say that surrendering will not come fast or easy. There will be at least three more battles taking place, and the last one will end with me and you at the end. I will not give up easily, as you may have noticed, and nothing you say or do will make me. Know that fighting me is going to be tougher and rougher than ever before."

Skulduggery shrugged and said, "I'm not worried at all. You can show me what you have, but know that you'll be beat eventually."

One side of Valkyrie's lips curled into a smile and she chuckled once. And then suddenly, she had crossed the little room and pressed her face and lips to Skulduggery's teeth. He stood shocked and unmoving, unable to fathom what was just happening.

"That," Valkyrie said when she broke away, "is known as guerilla warfare." She gave a cheerful wave and smiled, then clapped her hands together and let her shadows consume her.

Two days later, General Valkyrie Cain was killed by enemy Elemental fire. They had attacked Gordon's mansion, and she died whispering one phrase over and over...

"_Doors are for people with no imagination."

* * *

_

Yeeep.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D

**Hey! I've got a poll on my profile, so go vote on it! It ends on May the 23****rd****!**


	76. Ordinary World

_Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue,_  
_Thought I heard you talking softly._  
_I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio_  
_Still I can't escape the ghost of you._

Skulduggery Pleasant did a double-take at the woman with a black umbrella. He tried to study her face without appearing he was doing so, but it didn't work. Obviously it wasn't her.

_What is happening to it all?  
Crazy some say  
Where is the life that I recognize?  
Gone away._

He kept on walking, his black hair plastered to his face from the rain. He wasn't a skeleton anymore. He lost his precious Bentley. His old partner, too. Nothing was the same for him anymore.

_But I won't cry for yesterday.  
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.  
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world  
I will learn to survive._

She had promised she'd be back, but she didn't know when. She told him to stay strong for her, and to keep on walking when it got tough. He said he'd grin and bare it.

_Passion or coincidence once prompted me to say-  
Pride will tear us both apart.  
Well now pride's gone out the window, cross the rooftops, runaway.  
Left me in the vacuum of my heart._

They were fighting. Necromancy vs. Elemental. Both thought one was better than the other.

_What is happening to me?  
Crazy some say.  
Where is my friend when I need you most?  
Gone away._

Guild kept picking on him, and she wasn't there for him. She wasn't aware of how much her presence meant to him.

_But I won't cry for yesterday._  
_There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find._  
_And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world_  
_I will learn to survive._

Ghastly kept telling him to climb the figurative mountain she spoke of so often, and to get over her. Easier said than done, Skulduggery would always reply. He was halfway up the mountain. Just enough to get through the days.

_Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed,_  
_Feared today; forgot tomorrow._  
_Here beside the news of holy war and holy need,_  
_Ours is just a little sorrowed talk-_  
_Blown away._

Tanith made him promise he wouldn't talk about it anymore, since they had the possibility of another world war brewing. She cared, but cared more for the sake of humanity than Skulduggery's love life.

_Just blowing away._

Nope. Not important anymore.

_But I won't cry for yesterday._  
_There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find._  
_And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world_  
_I will learn to survive._

"I hate this," Skulduggery stopped to say. He didn't yell it or whisper it; he merely stated it. "Nothing fits together like that metaphorically puzzle that you mentioned."

_Any world is my world_  
_Every world is my world_

"What do you hate?" his new partner, Cherry Monarch asked.

He sighed. Just grin and bare it.

* * *

Um. Happy Mother's Day!

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! The song is **Ordinary World** by **Duran Duran**.

**Hey! I've got a poll on my profile, so go vote on it! It ends on May the 23rd!**


	77. Morbid World

I don't know. I do know that I LOVE my Alternate Universes. A lot.

* * *

A Cleaver held open a thick door for Detective Cain. She smiled gracefully, bypassing the magical servant and heading straight for interrogation room 4. The Grand Mage had called her there to question a recently captured convict, who was wanted in three different countries, along with other charges.

"Valkyrie," the Grand Mage said, "thank you for getting here so fast. He keeps trying to escape, and we need the answers to our questions. He won't respond to anyone else, so I figured we should bring our Head Detective in."

Valkyrie nodded. "Right, China. What am I trying to get out of him?"

"Why he's killed those people in Romania, England, and Canada. And just _why_ this happened in the first place."

"You mean you don't know?"

"No, this is the first time we've gotten to properly talk to him."

"My, he's sneaky, isn't he?"

"The absolute worst person to have to capture, yes," China replied sadly. "It's so sad that we just had to, really." She shook her head and gazed at Valkyrie with her beautiful eyes and face. "Are you ready?"

Valkyrie nodded sternly, since she knew what she'd be going up against. It wasn't going to be easy to subdue their convict. She stepped away from China and straightened her coat. She unlocked the heavy metal door and wrenched it open. China gave a wave as Valkyrie stepped into the brightly lit room. Valkyrie only hesitated slightly at the sight of the convict. His hair was disheveled and hung down his tired and thin face.

"I specifically requested you, you know," he said cheekily.

"How nice of you," she replied equally cheekily, sitting down in the chair across from him at the table. His hands were bound and laid out in front of them both on the cold table. It was obvious that he couldn't stand the feeling the magical handcuffs gave off.

They sat in silence a moment before Valkyrie reached for the huge file sitting next to her. She grabbed the top piece of paper and stood up and raised an eyebrow at her prisoner. This paper listed all of the charges being brought against him.

"It says here that you're being charged with the murders of eight…people from Romania, England, and Canada, assault of over ten Sanctuary agents including the Grand Mage and myself, and…vandalism to China Sorrows' library on three accounts. Anything to say?"

"When did I assault you?" he finally asked, irritated.

"May 31st, three years ago, when I was chasing you in Scotland. You threw a trashcan at my face and tried killing me."

"I didn't _know_ it was you."

"Even if it wasn't me, you'd still be charged for doing that against an innocent bystander of something."

"How official," he snorted.

"Alright, fine," Valkyrie huffed. "If you want to be a jerk and answer to everything I say like a cocky ass, I can throw you in a cell here for two hundred years."

"You wouldn't do that to me," he said softly. "You wouldn't have to guts to do that to the man who taught you everything you know about this world."

"_Try me, Skulduggery_," she replied huskily.

The once skeleton tried standing up, but the cuffs that bounded his legs made it impossible. He instead just flailed.

"You're lying," he eventually said.

She shook her head. "You know I'm not."

"How's Fletcher?" he abruptly asked. "I assume he's doing alright?"

Valkyrie clenched her fists together underneath the table, but remained stoic and calm and together. "You know perfectly well what happened to him, so don't you dare ever bring that up again."

"I think he was #5…Yeah, that was the England stint. Brutal time wasn't it?"

Valkyrie, instead of leaping across the table and strangling him like she wanted to, remained as calm as possible, her face strained from her perpetual frown. "I swear to God if you don't shut up, I'll kill you right here."

"I'd advise you _not_ to. That's what Wreath said right before #6 went down in Romania. That reminds me, how's your necromancy going?" He smiled excitedly and titled his head. "What? Your urge to punch me in the face getting to you? I assume #7 hasn't been able to teach you more after the Canada incident. What was her catchphrase? Something about being tough or something."

Valkyrie finally stood up in a flourish, knocking the file across the room and kicking her chair away. They glared and stared at each other for a few minutes. Skulduggery broke the eye contact to blow a piece of hair out of his eye lazily. Valkyrie shook her head and yanked open the heavy door.

"You'll be #10," Skulduggery shouted as she shut the door. "And I'm not lying about that."

Valkyrie bolted the door shut with chairs and chains, while the Grand Mage watched.

"What are you doing?" China eventually asked.

"He will rot and decay in this room for the rest of his days," Valkyrie replied coldly. "He'll be #1."

* * *

I rather like this.

OH BUT DUDE.

OH BUT DUDE, LIKE, 502 REVIEWS. LIKE OH GOD.

Seriously. You guys, I can't thank you all enough. I know I saw this all the time, but really, I appreciate all reviews (unless they're flames, because they make me sad) and all feedback. It makes me feel so fantastic that everyone likes to read what I write! (Unless you're all lying…)

So, yeah. I love each and everyone of you for reviewing and reading! I give you all virtual hugs and PIE. Can we make it to 1,000? I'd, like, die if that happened.

Thanks heaps for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDDD

**Hey! I've got a poll on my profile, so go vote on it! It ends on May the 23rd!**


	78. Bad Romance

**The lyrics contain some bad language. **

_Oh, caught in a bad romance_  
_Oh, caught in a bad romance_

_Ra ra, ah ah ah_  
_Roma, roma-ma_  
_GaGa, oh la-la_  
_Want your bad romance_

_Ra ra, ah ah ah_  
_Roma, roma-ma_  
_GaGa, oh la-la_  
_Want your bad romance_

_I want your ugly_  
_I want your disease_  
_I want your everything_  
_As long as it's free_  
_I want your love_  
_Love, love, love_  
_I want your love_

"Solomon Wreath," Valkyrie Cain said loudly, "where do you think you're going?"

"To shower," he replied coolly.

"Can I join you?"

He thought for a moment, shrugged his broad shoulders, and ducked from his room at the Necromancer Temple. Valkyrie flung the covers away from her and followed him.

_I want your drama_  
_The touch of your hand_  
_I want your leather studded_  
_Kiss in the sand_  
_I want your love_  
_Love, love, love_  
_I want your love_  
_(Love, love, love_  
_I want your love)_

Valkyrie's hands crept up closer to Wreath's shirt buttons, undoing them casually.

"This is bad, you know this, right?"

_You know that I want you_  
_And you know that I need you_  
_I want a bad, bad romance_

"I don't think it matters. You think it's great at least."

_I want your love and_  
_I want your revenge_  
_You and me could write a bad romance (oh)_  
_I want your love and_  
_All your lovers revenge_  
_You and me could write a bad romance_

"Have you told anyone?" he asked one cold day.

She shook her head. "Nope," she replied, "and I don't intend to."

"What would happen if he found out?"

"It wouldn't be good, would it?"

"Agreed." A pause from Wreath. "He'd kill me."

_Oh, caught in a bad romance_  
_Oh, caught in a bad romance_

_Ra ra, ah ah ah_  
_Roma, roma-ma_  
_GaGa, oh la-la_  
_Want your bad romance_

_I want your horror_  
_I want your design_  
_Because you're a criminal_  
_As long as you're mine_  
_I want your love_  
_Love, love, love_  
_I want your love_

"Guild gave me a peculiar look this morning," Wreath announced to the slowly waking Valkyrie.

"He thinks our thing is a completely and utterly ridiculous," Valkyrie explained, still slightly drowsy.

"Is it?"

"No!" she said as forcefully as she could.

_I want your psycho_  
_Your vertigo stick_  
_Want you in my rear window_  
_Baby you're sick_  
_I want your love_  
_Love, love, love_  
_I want your love_  
_(Love, love, love_  
_I want your love)_

"Professor Grouse glared at me like he does when he glares at Fletcher today," Valkyrie said bluntly. "He definitely knows."

"Does that mean we break it off? The news is bound to get around to Mr. Pleasant."

"Pfft. Please. The Professor still loves me. And I'm still pretty fond of you," she replied. "I'm not giving this up."

_You know that I want you_  
_And you know that I need you_  
_(Because I'm a free bitch, baby)_  
_I want a bad, bad romance_

"Miss Low asked what our relationship was," Wreath said, one sunny day.

"A pretty crappy one, no?"

_I want your love and_  
_I want your revenge_  
_You and me could write a bad romance (oh)_  
_I want your love and_  
_All your lovers revenge_  
_You and me could write a bad romance_

"I should get Uncle Gordon to write a book about me," Valkyrie announced, one night. She shivered as a black shadow curled around her toned leg. Wreath flinched as a new shadow twirled up his leg as well.

"It wouldn't be very interesting," he replied cheekily.

_Oh, caught in a bad romance_  
_Oh, caught in a bad romance_

_Ra ra, ah ah ah_  
_Roma, roma-ma_  
_GaGa, oh la-la_  
_Want your bad romance_

_Ra ra, ah ah ah_  
_Roma, roma-ma_  
_GaGa, oh la-la_  
_Want your bad romance_

"This isn't going to last; this terrible relationship."

_Walk, walk, fashion baby_  
_Work it, move that bitch crazy_  
_Walk, walk, fashion baby_  
_Work it, move that bitch crazy_  
_Walk, walk, fashion baby_  
_Work it, move that bitch crazy_  
_Walk, walk, passion baby_  
_Work it, I'm a free bitch baby_

"You know if we work on it it'd get better. You want it to work. You want me."

_I want your love_  
_And I want your revenge_  
_I want your love_  
_I don't want to be friends_

"You may be right, but you want nothing but the rumors."

"Not true."

_Je veux ton amour_  
_Et je veux ta revanche_  
_Je veux ton amour_

_I don't want to be friends (oh)_  
_I don't want to be friends (caught in a bad romance)_  
_I don't want to be friends (oh)_  
_Want your bad romance (caught in a bad romance)_  
_Want your bad romance_

"We work together so much better like this! Being just teacher-student was a disaster."

_I want your love and_  
_I want your revenge_  
_You and me could write a bad romance (oh)_  
_I want your love and_  
_All your lovers revenge_  
_You and me could write a bad romance_

_Oh_  
_(Want your bad romance)_  
_Caught in a bad romance_  
_(Want your bad romance)_  
_Oh_  
_(Want your bad romance)_  
_Caught in a bad romance_

"You're not going to let me go, are you, Valkyrie?" Wreath quietly asked after three years of repeated arguments and nights.

"Unless you really want out," she replied. "I won't stop you from leaving if you really hate all this."

_Rah rah, ah ah ahh_  
_Rah muh, rah muh muh_  
_GaGa, oh lala_  
_Want your bad romance_

"Of course," she added, "every day I live, I'll think about us."

She turned around to face Solomon Wreath, but he was gone.

* * *

Uh, I'm not really sure where this came from…But I kind of like it. I'm on a super big Lady Gaga kick. The song is (how could you not know this?) **Bad Romance**, by **Lady Gaga**.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	79. The Endless Night

Valkyrie Cain grunted as she was flung backwards into a windowless and door less room. It was dark and slightly cold, and without her coat, she was shivering. The wall that she passed through effortless solidified again, making it completely impassable.

"I think our kidnappers want us to get to know each other," a lazy, southern drawling voice said from the corner of the room.

"Oh God no," Valkyrie muttered in horror.

There was a pause.

"Well crap," Billy-Ray Sanguine muttered in a reply.

The two enemies stood up on instinct, and Valkyrie resisted the urge to punch Sanguine in the face when she noticed his bleeding and wounded arm.

"What happened to you?" the teenager asked skeptically.

"Oh this?" Sanguine replied, looking at his arm. "It's nothin' really. They just sliced open my arm."

"Who are these people?" Valkyrie suddenly asked.

"My, you're abrupt, ain't you? But I don't have a clue who these guys are. I've got my theories, but now you're here, they don't work too well now."

Valkyrie looked Sanguine up and down, but then finally slumped against the wall. She stared ahead, and only turned her head when Sanguine would hiss in pain occasionally.

"Waitin' for Funnybones to get here, huh?" he eventually asked after a while of silence. "I bet you can't think about anything but him right now."

"What are you implying?" Valkyrie snapped.

"Everyone notices your precious little-girl-crush," he cooed obnoxiously.

"Shut up!" she shouted. "It's not like that! We just depend on each other! What is so wrong with having a male friend? Do I have to like every guy I know? Am I crushing on you now?"

Sanguine held up his good arm in surrender. "I'm just sayin' that's what it seems like, Valkyrie."

"Well stop. And besides, I already have a boyfriend."

"Ooh, gossip!" Sanguine said sarcastically. "Tell ol' Billy-Ray who your li'l heart belongs to."

"Shut up."

"Strange name ain't that?"

"Oh my God, you're so annoying," Valkyrie groaned, stomping her foot. "If you don't shut up, I swear I'll go over there and break your other arm."

"Ouch. That'd hurt."

"Then be quiet."

"Fine, fine."

A pause.

"Someone's pissed today," Sanguine whispered thoughtfully.

Valkyrie whirled around and stalked up to him. She opened her mouth to shout at him, but closed it suddenly. "If I tell you who it is," she asked tiredly, "will you shut up?"

"Scout's honor," Sanguine replied, holding up his right hand in a salute.

"Fletcher," Valkyrie simply stated, turning away from Sanguine.

"HAIR BOY?" Sanguine shouted. "That's just freakin' hilarious! What did Funnybones have to say about that? Or is he still screwed in the noggin?"

"I told you who it was," Valkyrie said, "so be quiet now."

"Alright, alright," he murmured. "I got ya. I ain't gonna speak a _word_ till Funnybones comes to get you."

Valkyrie sighed angrily and almost said something, but closed her mouth when she noticed Sanguine glaring straight at her.

"Ugh, fine!" she grumbled. "You're so obnoxious."

Sanguine smiled joyfully.

* * *

Sixteen hours later, at 9 in the morning, after a long night that was spent in almost complete silence, there was a crash that echoed throughout the entire building where Sanguine and Valkyrie were being kept.

"I think that's Funnybones," Sanguine sung happily, easing himself up.

"You do know that we're just going to capture you immediately after he comes to get us, don't you?" Valkyrie retorted. "We've been hunting you for so long, and we're not just going to let you wander off on your merry way."

"You sure?" he muttered, pressing his ear to the wall. "'Cause I don't think Funnybones is the one coming…"

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"I hear someone, and it definitely ain't Funnybones. He walks like a freakin' cat. This person seems to be wearin' iron shoes. And they're runnin'. Loudly. And they're 'bout two feet away."

He backed away from the wall, and it suddenly exploded, but no debris rained down on them.

"Aha!" Fletcher Renn shouted in triumph. "Valkyrie!" he cried and tackled her, wrapping her in a hug. She hugged him back, and momentarily forgot about Sanguine.

Unfortunately, he only needed a moment.

Billy-Ray Sanguine took off in a run, cradling his bad arm. Valkyrie noticed this and pulled away from Fletcher, bolting after Sanguine.

"I did not just spend a night in that room with you only for you to get away!"

Sanguine just laughed.

* * *

This was my entry for the SP writing competition on Facebook. Good? Bad? Plain stupid?

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	80. Little Brother

**SPOILERS FOR DARK DAYS. Sort of. **

**And I'll say that this is rated a slightly **_**higher**_** T than regular for slight sexual themes.

* * *

**

Valkyrie Cain groaned as she felt Skulduggery's warm hand creep up her shirt and poke and prod at her bra hook. He groaned back as her equally warm hand curled around his thigh. Skulduggery shifted Valkyrie around on his lap, but she ended up crawling away from him and pinning him down on the floor with her. His lips kept pressing and moving in sync with hers.

They continued with their lip-lock for a while, until the keys opening the front door to Gordon's mansion rattled, and the door swung open ungracefully.

"Stephanie!" called Peter, Valkyrie's sixteen year old baby brother.

Valkyrie hissed in annoyance and shoved Skulduggery off of her. She staggered up and straightened her clothes. Skulduggery remained on the floor, trying to tuck his shirt back in his pants.

"What do you want, Peter?" Valkyrie asked as he came into the living room. He looked almost exactly like her, only his eyes were a lighter brown. He had the same dark chocolate brown hair, and being the sixteen year old teenager boy he was, it was getting pretty long. It hung in his eyes; he kept having to push it out of the way. No matter how many times his mother told him to get it cut, he refused.

"I left my binders here from last night," he said. "Did you see where I-"

He stopped mid-sentence when he realized that his older sister's _boyfriend_ was there.

"What were you guys doing?"

"I found your binders in a dumpster," Valkyrie said. "And if you want them, don't pry, thank you very much, Peter."

"Touchy!" he grumbled. "I don't mean to pry, but just keep the couch clean. I like that couch."

"You're sixteen!" Valkyrie shouted in annoyance. "Don't _say_ those _things_."

He held his hands up in defeat. "Do you know where my binders are?"

"Upstairs, in 'your' room," Valkyrie said, pointing to the stairs. Peter smiled joyously at her and bounded away from them and up the stairs. Skulduggery rubbed his face and wrapped his arm around Valkyrie's waist. He leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. She smiled and turned in his arms, wrapping her own arms around Skulduggery's waist. He kissed her softly at first, and then harder. One hand grabbed the back of her neck.

"Steeeeephanie!" Peter shouted from upstairs.

"What?" she shouted back.

"I can't _find_ them!"

She groaned and moaned and began pulling away from Skulduggery's arms, but he stopped her and went upstairs himself. He went into the room where Peter would sleep when he'd be there, and Skulduggery frowned.

Peter was holding his binders in his hands.

"Uh, I think you-"

"Shush up," Peter said suddenly. "Can Steph hear us? Because I want to just say one very important thing to you."

Skulduggery adjusted his hat and gave Peter a skeptic look. He crossed his arms. "No, Stephanie can't hear us. What do you want to say?"

Peter placed his binders on the floor and pointed a menacing finger at Skulduggery and said, "I swear to God, if you hurt my sister in even the slightest way, you'll be murdered in your sleep. She means a lot to me, though it may not seem like it. She is way older than me, but I will protect her from the creepers that come through her life, got it? If you intend to just leave her, you better let me know before hand so I can give you a running head start."

Skulduggery nodded. "Fair enough. Peter Edgley, you don't seem to like me too much. Why is that?"

"For the reasons I just explained," Peter said, beginning to pace around a little bit. The way his black t-shirt swayed made Skulduggery realize the uncanny resemblance to Valkyrie.

"I don't want her hurt, and you don't seem to be the most-trusting guy. You're incredibly mysterious, and I don't like the way you look at her half the time."

"How do I look at her?"

"With just a creepy expression. Your phone rang once, so you got up to take the call, then you came back, and just gave her a weird look."

"It was business, Peter," Skulduggery defended himself.

"It was still weird. Mom and Dad think you're weird too."

"Ah, well, they've got a very nice reason to think so."

"Why is that?"

"Stephanie will tell you if she feels like it."

Peter growled and picked up his books. "Remember, if I see a single tear or notice she's upset in some way/shape/form, you'll be killed. Okay?"

"Right!" Skulduggery said cheerfully, allowing Peter to exit the room before him.

"I thought you two had died up there," Valkyrie said jokingly as they came into the kitchen. "And thank goodness you found your binders."

Peter stuck his tongue out and dumped his school things into his school bag. He resisted the urge to glare at Skulduggery as he watched his older sister snatch the fedora off of Skulduggery's head and place it on her own.

"Peter, you look a little freaked," Valkyrie mumbled as Skulduggery wrapped his arms around Valkyrie's middle. He shot him a smirk.

Peter shrugged. "Your _love_ is too much for me," he merely said, and then bolted out of the house.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and turned slowly to face Skulduggery. He was smirking. She leaned in and kissed him softly, and then said, "What are you thinking about?"

"Valkyrie," he said, "do you have any idea how much your brother is like you?"

"No, how so?"

"He's incredibly terrifying when he wants to be."

* * *

Aaaah.

Meh.

I don't know.

Yep.

Sorry for mistakes!

Thanks for reading!

:D


	81. When You're Evil

_When the Devil is too busy_  
_And Death's a bit too much_  
_They call on me by name you see,_  
_For my special touch._  
_To the Gentlemen I'm Miss Fortune_  
_To the Ladies I'm Sir Prize_  
_But call me by any name_  
_Any way it's all the same_

Solomon Wreath lazily walked along the pathway, his cane _clunk-_ing with every step. No one was really sure what made people create a pathway for Wreath whenever they saw him walking. All the other necromancers didn't have that kind of presence.

Wreath knew.

_I'm the fly in your soup  
I'm the pebble in your shoe  
I'm the pea beneath your bed  
I'm a bump on every head_

Wreath figured it was ability to suck out the happiness of a public place, or just a small room in general.

_I'm the peel on which you slip  
I'm a pin in every hip  
I'm the thorn in your side  
Makes you wriggle and writhe_

Dark sounding, yes, but what can one expect from Solomon Wreath, one of the most powerful necromancers around? He secretly prided in the fact that people cowered under his gaze.

His eyes…Those _dark_ eyes…

_And it's so easy when you're evil  
This is the life, you see  
The Devil tips his hat to me  
I do it all because I'm evil  
And I do it all for free  
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need_

Solomon Wreath enjoys being a necromancer. He enjoys the death. He enjoys his cane whipping shadow after shadow out, slicing people in half.

_While there's children to make sad  
While there's candy to be had  
While there's pockets left to pick  
While there's grannies left to trip down the stairs  
I'll be there, I'll be waiting 'round the corner  
It's a game. I'm glad I'm in it  
'Cause there's one born every minute_

People called him nasty. Mean. Terrible.

He called himself clever. Witty. Superb.

_And it's so easy when you're evil  
This is the life, you see  
The Devil tips his hat to me  
I do it all because I'm evil  
And I do it all for free  
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need_

Solomon Wreath has killed before. He's killed _so_ many innocent souls.

He's also killed _so_ many _not_ so innocent souls.

His wife's included.

_I pledge my allegiance, to all things dark  
And I promise on my damned soul  
To do as I am told, Lord Beelzebub  
Has never seen a soldier quite like me  
Not only does his job, but does it happily._

An elder necromancer told him to kill her.

He gladly did.

_I'm the fear that keeps you awake  
I'm the shadows on the wall  
I'm the monsters they become  
I'm the nightmare in your skull_

The dark circles under his eyes gave way to his sleepless nights. Solomon Wreath didn't sleep.

He prowled.

_I'm a dagger in your back  
An extra turn upon the rack  
I'm the quivering of your heart  
A stabbing pain, a sudden start._

As he prowled, he'd kill.

_And it's so easy when you're evil  
This is the life, you see  
The Devil tips his hat to me  
I do it all because I'm evil  
And I do it all for free_

His cane kept _clunk_-ing merrily beside him. A shadow curled around the tip continuously, tickling his hand lazily. He noticed a man duck into a shop as Wreath came up the pathway.

Ha.

_Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need  
And I do it all for free  
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need  
And I do it all for free  
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need_

That's what his wife did.

She tried hiding.

Rather uncharacteristic, he thought as he went hunting for her.

_It gets so lonely being evil  
What I'd do to see a smile  
Even for a little while  
And no one loves you when you're evil_

She tried pleading with him to let her go, but he just shook his head sluggishly, and sharpened a few shadows with a wave of his cane.

He remembered the look of terror on her face.

He remembered the look of peaceful-ness on her face after he had killed her.

He felt bad for killing her.

He also felt bad for killing the man she was having an affair with.

_I'm lying through my teeth!  
Your tears are all the company I need_

But he only felt bad for a few minutes.

But the way Solomon Wreath figured, the world was a whole lot better without Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant.

* * *

Uh, I'm not sure where this came from.

I sorta like it and sorta hate it. Opinions?

The song is **When You're Evil** by **Voltaire**. I kind of love this song.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	82. Another One Bites the Dust

Title came from **Queen's** song **Another One Bites the Dust**.

* * *

Valkyrie Cain grinned at herself in the mirror. She twirled her hair around in her fingers, touched her skin, and examined her teeth.

"You're the same," a condescending voice said from behind her.

"Of course I'm not!" she replied, turning around, facing the man who spoke. "I have completely changed. Everything about me is different."

"You're still utterly obnoxious," he said, smirking lightly. She stuck out her tongue and went to stand in front of the man. He was sitting stiffly in a plush armchair, a glass of what looked like red wine on a small table next to him. Valkyrie rose her eyebrows at the glass and reached for it. He began to protest, but she glared at him and took a swig from the glass. She downed it and gingerly set it back on the table.

The man in front of her glared at her harshly. He clenched the armrests in a death grip. It looked like he was about to attack her, but in a swift movement, he reached out to Valkyrie's arms and yanked her down on him. The chair tipped backwards, and the pair fell out of it. The man kept his grip on Valkyrie, pinning her down below him.

"Are we going to do this all over again, Dusk?" she asked huskily, flexing her strong arms.

He shrugged, smiling darkly, revealing sharp teeth. Valkyrie smiled back, her teeth the same as the vampire above her.

"I had thought we'd do this everyday," Dusk replied. "You seemed to enjoy last night, yes?"

Valkyrie licked her lips, still tasting the blood that she had drunk from the glass.

"You were quite pleased, too, right?" she asked.

"Indeed," he said, nodding.

"You also seemed rather pleased that from our, er, _activities_, my bed broke in two."

"Imagine if I hadn't bitten you then," Dusk said suddenly. "I don't believe you'd be this frisky if you weren't quite like me."

"True," Valkyrie agreed. "I'm pretty much loving this whole vampire thing."

"I don't think anyone but you and I love it."

"Yeah, well, he said he wouldn't come back since he could tell I'd made up my mind. We're safe now, Dusk."

He smirked in appreciation at her words, and he finally rolled off of her. She took the opportunity and rolled over on top of him.

"Sneaky," he growled, a slight purr in his voice.

"You should know that I'll always fight for dominance over my partner," she said. "And that since I am now a predator and bent on getting blood, you should also know that getting your own blood to drink on will be hard to come across."

Dusk paused and absorbed the words. His smirk only widened as he reached up and touched the scars and open wounds on Valkyrie's neck where he bit her. He kept his eyes trained on her own.

"I've been hunting for much longer than you, Valkyrie," he whispered.

"I've been hunting _criminals_, which is pretty much the same thing," she retorted. "How hard can it be?"

"It takes practice, love," Dusk said. "Care for a few lessons on hunting a victim?"

Valkyrie licked her lips and got up from Dusk.

"Alright, what are you going to do?"

"You run, and I chase you," he merely said, crouching into a pouncing position.

Valkyrie placed her hands on her hips, baring her teeth slightly, her eyes flashing.

"Go," she whispered.

Valkyrie took off in a sprint, with Dusk trailing on her heels. She felt a hand grip her arm and rip her backwards. In a swift second, Dusk was holding Valkyrie bridal-style in his arms.

"Somehow I don't think this is part of hunting someone you want to eat," Valkyrie said, still baring her teeth.

Dusk shrugged. "I gave up on teaching you after thirty seconds. You're too stubborn to learn anything."

"I'd take that as an insult," Valkyrie said, wrapping her arms around Dusk's neck, "but I'd rather be doing something else with you than have pointless banter."

"What might that be, love?" Dusk nuzzled her neck scraping his sharp teeth against her neck.

"Honestly, I thought you were smart enough to figure that out."

Dusk licked and bit Valkyrie's neck lightly as he slowly put her down. She pushed his face away and gripped his hand, leading him back upstairs and into her room.

* * *

Haaaaaaaaaaa.

No, I don't know really know why. I enjoy pairing Valkyrie with the recurring villains. And making her evil along with them. _That's _ fun.

Uh, yeah. Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been losing inspiration steadily. Just as a heads up, for a few days I'm off to see the grandparents, and then the upcoming weekend, I have a retreat with my friend for her church. Sooo…I won't be around much this week. Though perhaps when I get back I'll actually feel like writing…XD

Anyways, thanks a bunch for reading and sorry for mistakes! :D


	83. Seashells

What?

Can't I have sap?

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant begrudgingly rolled up his pant legs and wadded knee deep in the water. A strong breeze crashed up against his body, giving him goosebumps everywhere. The wind ruffled his white button down shirt, flapping around the collar. His suit jacket, which had been thrown off rather angrily, soon became covered with sand. He squinted against the hot sun's rays and looked out over the water where Valkyrie, Tanith, and Fletcher were situated. They rode the waves when they'd come rising up and would then turn to watch the wall of water crash into the sand and Skulduggery.

Tanith waved at him from afar. "Come out here you big baby!"

"I am not getting my suit wet," he firmly shouted back.

"Oh, you can just dry it in a flash!" Valkyrie reasoned, smiling widely, tossing her hair back.

Skulduggery felt a sharp pulling in his chest. He smirked and shook his head. He watched as Tanith frowned in annoyance, but smiled happily when Fletcher was suddenly knocked over by a small wave of water. Valkyrie seemed to laugh for a minute, but she made a waving motion to her friends and began making her way out of the water.

"How do you not like the beach?" she questioned, coming to stand next to the former-skeleton.

"The salt-water stings everything," Skulduggery answered.

"Only if you stand around with your eyes wide open and you're not paying attention," Valkyrie replied hotly. "I just don't see how anyone can _not_ like the beach. It's so fantastic."

"I can't stand the sand, too."

"The sand that gets everywhere is half the fun! You will never be rid of it. You will continuously find it in your pants; it's so infuriating and fun!"

"Not for me, thank you," he said.

Valkyrie stuck her tongue out at him. "Well fine. You may stand here, lonely. I'm going to go have fun."

She turned and marched away, splashing around in the water, hitting Fletcher with a particularly large splash. Tanith roared with laughter as Fletcher's hair sank down his face instantly.

Skulduggery watched closely, eyeing Valkyrie discreetly. She caught his eye, and he tried looking away, but she already waved at him, smiling all the while.

He looked around him, ensuring that they were indeed on a secluded beach, and he gave a flick of his wrist, sending a fountain of water up in the air, raining down on Valkyrie. It hit her face, causing water to drip all down her arms and chest and disappearing beneath her bathing suit top. Skulduggery grunted and instantly looked away, becoming horrified at the hot blush he could feel on his cheeks.

Nothing and nobody could ever make him blush.

Except Valkyrie.

Skulduggery silently fumed, clenching his fists tightly, and squishing his toes into the watery sand.

He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder.

"I tried reading, but the wind kept blowing the pages all around," Ghastly declared sadly, rolling up his own pant legs and loosening his shirt cuffs. "We should really start dressing casual; I've always had a desire to wear a cotton t-shirt and jeans."

"Well then you'd have to sit around on a sofa and yell at people," Skulduggery replied.

"And you, wearing the suits, must eat caviar and drink tea imported from a small country made from a tiny plant that can only grow if the temperature is at a specific degree."

"I don't eat caviar," Skulduggery sniffed, proving he was kind of a snob.

Ghastly smiled, stretching his scars. "Ah, fish eggs. Who thought to eat them?"

"A rich guy?"

"Most likely."

Skulduggery chuckled as Tanith ducked under water at a wave. Fletcher immediately dived forward, allowing the wave to carry him closer to the edge of the water. His head bobbed up and down along the water, and he finally stood up after a few seconds. He shook his hair from the water and smiled cheerfully at Ghastly and Skulduggery.

"Enjoying the water?" he asked.

Ghastly shrugged. "Too bad I didn't bring my trunks; I'd be out there so fast."

"Can you even swim that well?"

"No," Ghastly answered truthfully, shaking his head.

Fletcher laughed and turned and ran back into the ocean. He instantly dove through a wave, ending up a few feet away.

Both Skulduggery and Ghastly remained quiet for a little bit. Only when a huge wave came charging forward did Skulduggery actually say something.

"Are they paying atten-" he began, but he stopped talking when the wave overcame the three. Skulduggery began running towards them, but he stopped when Tanith's head appeared over the water. She shook her head vigorously, stopping to help Fletcher up. Skulduggery scanned the water for any sign of Valkyrie, but he didn't see her. Tanith realized she wasn't there, so she began swimming around, searching for her friend.

For a few agonizing moments, it was like the barrier of water had swept away Valkyrie. But a few yards away from Fletcher, she rose from the water, swinging her head and hair back in a graceful arc. She coughed up some water a few times but assured that she was alright.

They all shared a knowing looking and trudged out of the water. Skulduggery gripped Valkyrie's arm as she passed.

"You're positive you're alright?" he asked quietly.

"Definitely," she answered, swiftly pecking him on the cheek. He released his grip on her and tried his best at hiding the rosy hue on his cheeks.

"Curse that testosterone, huh?" Ghastly muttered, elbowing Skulduggery once the three were out of earshot.

Skulduggery was taken aback. "What are you even talking about?"

"You were blushing like a school girl, that's what I'm talking about."

"I-I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," Skulduggery stammered, feeling like a total idiot about it.

"I believe you do," Ghastly replied airily, kicking up the wet sand innocently. "You get that fuzzy feeling somewhere inside of you whenever you look at a certain someone."

"…It's always in my lower back," Skulduggery murmured, staring harshly at the water.

"Especially when your certain someone kisses you on the cheek."

Skulduggery turned his glare to Ghastly, who held up his hands, frowning slightly.

"Sorry to go all loving on you, yes, but I figured you'd want to discuss it with a guy who doesn't have the emotional maturity of a four year old."

He cast a fleeting look towards Fletcher, who was attempting to build a sandcastle.

"Not until I figure things out," Skulduggery murmured again, shuffling around slightly.

Ghastly smirked, watching a wave come crashing into the sand. The water receded like it always did, leaving a few shells behind. He bent down and picked up a small, smooth, peach-colored one. It shone and gleamed from the sun's rays. He turned it over and over in his hands.

"Mind if I go philosophical and lecture you for a moment?" Ghastly asked politely, throwing the shell up in the air and catching it again easily.

Skulduggery shrugged. "You will whatever my answer is, yes?"

"Yes, I would."

Ghastly tossed the shell up in the air again, catching it just as easily again.

"You've only had your skin back for a few weeks," he began. "You're actually adjusting well, which is simply lovely. Thank goodness we don't need to tell you to breath."

"How could I forget to breath?"

"You never know," Ghastly sighed, adding a shrug. "Skulduggery, do you know how women are like shells?"

"Oh God-"

"Answer the question."

"No, I don't."

Ghastly nodded and smiled. "A shell can be small and fragile. A shell can be huge and never break. Shells can be smooth on the outside, yet rough on the inside. They can, of course, be the opposite."

"Where are you going with this?" Skulduggery asked tiredly, sighing loudly when Ghastly held out a hand to silence him.

"Shells sometimes hold treasures, like a pearl. They also, sometimes, contain a snail. And snails are _disgusting_."

"I always thought they were cute," Skulduggery interrupted.

"They are not cute when they get slime all over your hand," Ghastly replied.

"Bad experience?"

"It was that stupid aquarium Tanith dragged me to."

"Ah, makes sense."

"Yes."

"Anyway, continue with your shell story," Skulduggery prompted, kicking at a small shell that was placed by his toes.

"Oh, right. Shells can hold treasures, and these can be rewarding. They may become very valuable over time, or they will become sentimental to the owner of said treasure."

Ghastly paused and watched the water come traveling up the slope of the beach, carrying more sand and shells with it. Skulduggery caught site of a smooth green shell. He bent down to snatch it up, but another wave came crashing down. When the water retreated, the shell was gone.

"Sometimes, before you can even touch it and hold it, the ocean will take the shell right back," Ghastly said, placing his own shell on the soft ground. "And sometimes, someone will take the shell right from under your nose."

"That's pretty," Fletcher mumbled, coming up from behind the two and picking up the shell Ghastly had just put down.

"This is _enriching_, Ghastly," Skulduggery said rather angrily as Fletcher retreated with the shell and showed it to Valkyrie.

"Have you figured out how shells are like women?" Ghastly asked thoughtfully.

Skulduggery waved a hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, you've made it abundantly clear."

"Good, I'm glad," Ghastly said cheerfully. He patted his friend on the shoulder, then turned and wandered back up to where the three others. Skulduggery turned to watch them all. Valkyrie looked up at him and smiled widely. And then Skulduggery blushed again.

* * *

Uhm.

Derp.

I had fun writing this, I suppose.

The idea came from being at the beach and watching the ocean go up and down and take the shells with it. I knew I wanted it to be sappy.

Now, yes, I see that this is slightly OCC. Ghastly especially. I just wanted some sap and for Skulduggery and Ghastly to have a _manly_ man-to-man talk about ~feelings~ and stuff.

Ha, sorry for not writing, like, anything lately. I've been busy with traveling a few places, playing **Harvest Moon DS** obsessively, GETTING A NEW CAT, beta-ing a story, and I really just haven't felt like writing. BUT. While staring my monitor, trying to write, I remembered how my Disney playlist always helps me.

And it totally still does.

And I know you guys probably don't care that much, but my new kitty's name is Rocket Tiberius (my last name). He's just incredibly sweet and loooves attention.

So yep.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	84. Love Game

So, idea for this came from episode 16 – season 2, **Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered**, of **Buffy the Vampire Slayer**. It is my ALL TIME favorite show, like, EVAR. I looove it so much. My favorite character is Giles. Does anyone watch **Buffy? **If so, I'll love you for forever :D

Title is from **Lady Gaga**'s song, **Love Game**.

* * *

Fletcher Renn shouted in pain as he was thrown back by the weekly baddie, Blue Rose. He was yanked back by a fully-grown Valkyrie Cain as a spear materialized out of the air and tried to stab Fletcher in the chest. She shot a wall of shadows at the frightening witch as Tanith and Ghastly charged towards her. Skulduggery wiped blood from a cut on his cheek and dodged a spear directed at him.

Ghastly grabbed Rose's arms, holding them behind her. She struggled against him as the remaining four zeroed in on her. She grunted angrily, stomping her foot onto Ghastly's. He hissed in pain and released her reluctantly. Rose shot out her hand dramatically and chanted something loudly, giving off a red smoke from her fingertips. It meandered over to Fletcher, who was leaning against the wall, nursing a broken hand. The smoke wafted under his nose, giving off a powerful smell, causing him to faint and collapse in an uncomfortable heap.

Fletcher was woken up by angry mumbling near his ear.

"Good morning Kenspeckle," Fletcher grumbled, his voice hoarse.

"It's 4 in the afternoon, idiot," Kenspeckle Grouse replied. Fletcher felt something cool applied to his forehead and hand. He opened his eyes slowly, flinching at the bright lights.

"I've been out for a while, then?"

"Seven hours."

"Nice." Fletcher sat up gingerly, flexing his previously broken hand. "You seem rather angry today," he said, observing Kenspeckle's even gruffer and crankier manor.

"Valkyrie and Tanith are sobbing their eyes out, and they blame it on Pleasant," Kenspeckle explained. "Nobody knows what happened, but I trust Valkyrie's word at least. Knowing Skulduggery Pleasant, he probably insulted them."

"So…the two girls that could take someone down blindfolded and injured are crying like little girls? And what would Skulduggery do or say to Valkyrie? It's not like they hate each other."

"Sadly, it's the complete opposite," Kenspeckle sighed. "But yes, they're just crying."

"What did they say Skulduggery do to them?"

Kenspeckle paused, placing a jar on a table a few feet away. "They didn't say anything; they just pointed to him when Ghastly asked them what was wrong."

Fletcher frowned and set his feet on the ground. "Can I get up now?"

Kenspeckle nodded. "Nothing strenuous. You hit your head pretty hard on the floor, and your hand isn't totally and completely better."

Fletcher nodded and set off for the cinema part of Kenspeckle's labs. He parted the curtains and stepped into the cinema part. He immediately tripped over Skulduggery. He shot out a hand to hold onto Fletcher's leg, keeping him right. Skulduggery sighed and stared at the floor.

"Someone is down," Fletcher said cheerfully, sitting next to the former-skeleton.

"I'm sure Kenspeckle has explained what's happening," Skulduggery muttered. "No need to rub it in."

"What did you do? Where are Valkyrie and Tanith anyway?"

"They disappeared back in the lab bit a while ago. I don't know where they went. And I swear I didn't do anything to them. I had said that I was curious why Blue Rose targeted you with her crazy magic, since you were rather worthless at that point in the game. And then they both just burst into tears. I don't know what I did."

"Maybe they felt bad for me," Fletcher said absentmindedly.

"I truly doubt it," Skulduggery replied, crossing his arms.

"Excuse me," Clarabelle said, gliding into the cinema. She was holding Fletcher's watch. "The Professor took it off to heal your hand," she mumbled, gazing into his eyes deeply, holding the watch out limply.

"Oh, thanks," he said genuinely, taking the object back and slipping it on. He looked up, and Clarabelle was still staring at him, her hand still outstretched.

"You have such _nice_ eyes," she said airily, placing a hand on his face firmly.

Fletcher frowned. "Gee, thanks, Clarabelle." He tried inching away, but her other hand grabbed his upper arm.

"Won't you stay with me? I get terribly lonely here with just the Professor." Clarabelle began dragging him backwards, but Skulduggery gripped Fletcher's shoulder.

"Excuse us, Clarabelle. Fletcher can't stay; he has other things to do."

Clarabelle glared darkly at Skulduggery but let go of Fletcher. "I'll see you soon, love," she mumbled, blowing a kiss at the teleporter.

Skulduggery kept pulling Fletcher the whole way out of the cinema. When they reached the outside, Skulduggery spun around Fletcher and glared at him. "For all that is good and holy in the world, what was that?"

Fletcher shrugged. "I have no idea. I didn't even say anything to her; it was just sudden."

Skulduggery sighed and grunted, releasing Fletcher's shoulder. "Will you talk to Valkyrie for me?" he suddenly said. "She and Tanith won't listen to what Ghastly and I say."

Fletcher smirked a little. "I'll see what I can do."

Skulduggery gave him a dirty look, but eventually began walking back to the Bentley.

"Can't we just teleport to Gordon's?"

"No," Skulduggery said. Fletcher almost objected, but he stopped at the look Skulduggery was giving him.

Fletcher strolled into Gordon's after Skulduggery kicked him out of the Bentley – he went on to Ghastly's. Fletcher entered the glorious house, taking a moment to smell whatever aroma was coming from the kitchen. He followed the spicy scent, and when he entered the kitchen, he found Tanith.

She was wearing a frilly blue dress, like something from the 1950s. Her hair was done up in a completely failed bun, and she was holding a small wine glass. She was mixing a giant bowl of salad.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Renn," she greeted him, handing him the glass. There was nothing in it.

"Tanith," Fletcher said, setting the empty glass down, "what are you wearing?"

"I knew you'd like it," she replied huskily, stepping away from the counter and revealing her baby blue high heels.

"Something is terribly wrong here," Fletcher murmured. "You'd never wear heals. Or make salad."

"What?" Tanith's eyes grew big and innocent. "Are you uncomfortable? We could go…someplace nicer?"

She smiled deviously. In a swift movement, she grabbed his hand and began dragging him away from the kitchen and towards the stairs. Halfway up the steps she paused to kiss him harshly, knotting her fingers in his gelled hair. Fletcher tried pushing her away, but she kept a firm grip on his hand. She eventually pulled away and kept dragging him up the stairs.

"Hold on a moment, love," she whispered, stopping outside Valkyrie's room. With her back facing the door, she turned the knob with a little bit of difficulty, since she was trying to throw off Fletcher's shirt at the same time; he kept trying to keep his clothes on. Tanith finally wrenched open the door and the two went tumbling into the room.

"Oh gosh!" a sweet voice said. "Are you alright, darling?"

"W-What?" Fletcher grumbled, feeling hands cradle his head.

"HEY!" Tanith screamed, standing up, glaring harshly at Valkyrie.

If Fletcher thought he had seen ridiculous when he laid eyes on Tanith, then it was a whole new world for what Valkyrie was wearing.

Clinging to her thin body was a firetruck-red nightdress. It was silk, with white lace at the chest and straps barely supporting it. It was the most revealing thing he had ever seen her wear, and through some complicated events he had even seen her underwear. Even _that_ covered more than this. The neckline dipped down into the valley between her breasts, rising up and down when she breathed deeply. Her hair was shining in the sunlight, and it fell around her shoulders and back gracefully; it was obvious she had taken her time with it.

"What?" Valkyrie shouted at Tanith. "Fletcher doesn't love you! When will you get that through your skull?"

"He was just using you for all those years!"

"It was all an act when he first met you! He's never going to love you like I love him!"

"Oh really?" Tanith screamed, lunging forward, tackling Valkyrie to the floor. For a few minutes, Fletcher just watched them screaming and pulling each other's hair. He realized he should probably intervene when Valkyrie bit Tanith's arm, actually breaking skin.

"Alright, girls, now let's not-"

He stopped talking when he noticed that his words weren't getting through to them. Valkyrie was trying to fix her hair, while Tanith was straightening her dress.

"You'll never win," Valkyrie said menacingly. "When it comes to my love for Fletcher, nothing could ever stop it."

"Yeah, okay, sure," Tanith replied angrily, releasing her hair from its updo. She lunged for Valkyrie again, but Valkyrie sidestepped just in time, and Tanith went crashing into the wall. Her head hit the solid wall at full force, and she groaned and moaned for a moment, but then slumped to the ground in a heap.

"Oh God," Fletcher muttered over and over again as he approached her. He straightened her body out, checking her pulse and breath to make sure she was still alive. The only damage was the bite on her arm and a few small cuts on her head.

"Fletcher, honey?" Valkyrie called to him. He looked up and noticed she was positioned strategically on the bed. The way she was poised made her legs seem longer and her breasts bigger. She had an innocent smile upon her face, and her dark eyes were sending him a look that made it hard to resist her.

"Valkyrie you don't know how wrong this would be!" he shouted, standing up and coming towards her, which proved to be a terrible idea.

"But you know that you want-"

"I'm positive that I _don't_!"

Valkyrie pouted, her eyes wide and innocent. Suddenly, she grinned mischievously and reached up to Fletcher's shirt. Her nails clung onto the fabric as she yanked him forwards. He collapsed onto the bed, lying helplessly on his stomach. He didn't have time to react before Valkyrie began kissing and biting the back of his neck, occasionally running a nail along his jaw line.

"Valkyrie you have to get off of me right now," Fletcher said through clenched teeth, but gasping for breath when she began sucking onto his ear.

"Stop trying to resist, love," she murmured. "This is fun. There's no denying that you like it."

"No, I really hate this, actually," Fletcher said under his breath.

"Oh hush, Fletcher," Valkyrie sighed, tracing her fingers along his shoulder blade. Both her hands suddenly gripped his upper arms and flipped him over. Valkyrie quickly swung her legs over his own so that she was straddling him.

"Oh God," he merely groaned, trying to push her away, but she just wouldn't budge.

And then the door opened dramatically, and Skulduggery Pleasant stepped over the threshold.

There was a silence that settled over the room. It was a silence like in a movie, right before someone was murdered.

"Fletcher," Skulduggery eventually murmured, "what are you doing with my wife?"

He was calm and spoke in an even voice, which just mean that he was even angrier than imaginable.

"I-I-I-"

"Skulduggery, _please_," Valkyrie sighed, climbing off of Fletcher and standing on the bed.

Fletcher immediately scrambled up and gasped for breath, not because he was suffocating but because he had been holding it for at least two minutes.

"Did you believe that I'd _actually_ care for you when I had Fletcher right here?" Valkyrie asked, hands on her hips.

Skulduggery rose an eyebrow. "Oh, how could I be so foolish, yes," he said. "I should have known that Fletcher could ever be the only guy that would ever love you."

"No, you're wrong," Valkyrie said, correcting him. She jumped down from the bed and stood in front of Skulduggery Their heights were almost matched.

"How am I wrong?"

"Many guys love me. I know that you love me. However, the only guy that _I_ love is Fletcher."

"Oh, oh, yes," Skulduggery muttered, waving his hand, "how silly of me to get that mixed up. Unfortunately, Valkyrie, I'm afraid I have to lock you in the bathroom."

"I don't think that'll happ-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence. Skulduggery had already bent down and swung her body over his shoulders. She hit and kicked him, but he wouldn't let go at all.

"Door," he managed to shout at Fletcher. The teleporter ran to the connecting bathroom and pushed it open. Skulduggery dumped Valkyrie into the tub, charging away from her, and slamming the door before she could get out.

"Help me block it."

Skulduggery rushed over to the dresser, and with the help of Fletcher, they pushed it in front of the bathroom door. When they had picked up Tanith and placed her on a more comfortable surface – namely the bed – and they had barricaded the door leading into the bedroom, Skulduggery calmly turned to Fletcher.

"Something is clearly wrong here," he began. "I can tell that there's some strange spell going on here. That, however, does not mean I'm not about to punch you in the face."

"But I didn't initiate it!" Fletcher protested, backing away slightly.

"Whoops, lost interest," Skulduggery said bluntly, raising a fist and punching Fletcher in the jaw. Fletcher swayed backwards, clutching his jaw.

"I guess I deserve that for the other stuff I've done," Fletcher groaned.

Skulduggery nodded curtly. "Yes. Yes, you do."

"Okay," Fletcher said, "what do we do to get rid of this spell or whatever? Not that having girls throw themselves at me isn't awesome, but I don't want to be punched again."

"I figured we could go ask China."

"Wouldn't she be under…this whatever?"

Skulduggery shrugged. "Yes, she probably will, but we need her library for this. We'll know if something is up when she starts pawing at you, alright?"

Fletcher nodded and gripped Skulduggery's shoulder, and they teleported. A blink later, they were in China's library. The thin man scowled at them from a corner, but he didn't say anything.

"What are we looking for?" Fletcher asked.

"A book that details this, er, condition."

"Obviously."

Skulduggery glared at him. "Fine. I'll go find China, and you go find a book about this."

Fletcher nodded. "That works."

Skulduggery set off in one direction, marching along through the shelves, peering between everything. Fletcher read the signs for the type of magic he was looking for, and he stopped at shelf.

"Looking for something?" a smooth voice asked right in his ear. Hands felt up his shoulders and traveled down to his chest. Fletcher saw a ring on the left hand. It was _China's_.

"Oh, this is just _perfect_," Fletcher groaned, turning and facing China. Her midnight black hair was straightened and pushed to one side. A few strands cascaded down her face. Her pale blue eyes were framed by eyeliner and mascara, while her cherry red lips seemed to threaten Fletcher with attacking him.

"Isn't it, _mon amour_?"

"Not really," Fletcher said. "SKUL-"

He was suddenly cut off when China's lips _did_ attack him. He stumbled back in surprise, but China just followed him.

"Don't go anywhere, love," she whispered huskily in his ear. She licked her lips and latched onto his ear. But suddenly, and out of nowhere, a thick book hit her head. China slumped to the floor, unconscious, and Fletcher whimpered in horror.

"She needs to know her boundaries," Valkyrie growled, running and jumping into Fletcher's arms. Despite not really wanting to, he still caught her. He held her as far away as he could, but she wriggled around so that he had to throw her on the ground and _run_.

"Stop, Fletcher, my darling!" she called sadly, but Fletcher didn't move.

"What did you do know, Fletcher?" he heard Skulduggery shout from a far away corner.

"I found China and Valkyrie somehow escaped," he called back. There was a loud thundering noise after that, and Fletcher soon came face to face with an old witch. Her hands gripped his shirt and began dragging him away. He noticed Clarabelle and Tanith come charging towards the witch. Tanith gripped the witch's hair, while Clarabelle kicked her shins repeatedly.

"Oh God," Fletcher moaned, trying to slip by, but Tanith's strong arms held onto him.

"Don't go anywhere, muffin."

"Muffin?" he asked incredulously. "I give up."

"Oh _my poor baby_," Clarabelle cooed, pushing Tanith away with a chair to her face. "I hope they didn't hurt you _too_ bad."

Her voice normally had that wistful tone to it, but now she sounded a little menacing, but with some sickly sweet love quality added to it.

"No, no, I'm totally fine."

"You look so frightened."

"Really? That's surprising."

Clarabelle began clawing at his shirt. "Let me help you with that," she sighed softly.

"Oh get off of him!" China screamed, touching a symbol on her forearm. The floor opened up where Clarabelle was standing, and she plummeted through the space, her screams echoing off the walls.

"What did you do to her?"

"I just sent her to where she belongs," China responded sweetly, tossing her hair back.

"Alright, China, let's not get into a fight," Valkyrie said from behind Fletcher. He turned and finally noticed she was still in the skimpy nightdress she was in before.

"Yeah, Valkyrie, wouldn't want to get hurt!" Tanith shouted, getting up finally.

"Shut up, okay?"

"I will _not_ shut up!"

"Valkyrie, you should know that Fletcher can only love someone real, like me."

"Oh, China! You should step back and see what people actually think of you."

"I don't think Fletcher's ever been in love with you like he has with me!"

"You dated for a year!"

"That's longer than you've dated him."

"I love him!"

"No, I love him more!"

"We're closer in age! I love him the absolute most!"

"I think I'm going to throw up," Fletcher grumbled, staring at the arguing girls in front of him.

"Oh, do you need a bucket?" Tanith asked desperately. She bent down in front of him.

"I'll get Kenspeckle!" Valkyrie shouted, but she really didn't do anything except kneel down and pat Fletcher's back.

"I can etch a new symbol to help you, darling," China cooed, grabbing a book with a few symbols on it. She cracked it open, and her eyes began scanning the pages.

He flopped onto his back and watched as Tanith and Valkyrie began pushing and clawing at each other, fighting over who would sit up with him if he had the chicken pox.

"Fletcher!" Ghastly suddenly shouted at the group. "Keep them from fighting for a minute."

He had appeared suddenly between some shelves, but he was gone instantly. They heard him running away.

The three girls stared at Fletcher.

Fletcher stared at the three girls.

"Uh, I love you all equally," he said.

"But you love me more, right?" Tanith asked cheerfully.

"No, you're totally wrong," Valkyrie replied. "He loves me the most."

"Girls, he could never love you two," China sighed. "You're completely pathetic."

"Wow, you guys are really hard to control."

"Girls gone wild!" Tanith shouted happily, pouncing on Fletcher and kissing him all over. He managed to knock her off, but suddenly China moved into place.

"China, you're lovely and all, but you should get off right now."

"Why sh-"

A red smoke suddenly wafted around them, running under their noses slowly, letting the four take a deep whiff of it.

"I was just having some fun," Blue Rose murmured. She was currently chained to Skulduggery. One hand was free to perform their counter curse.

"Yeah, and Fletcher was kind of almost raped," Ghastly replied hotly.

"OH GOD," Valkyrie, Tanith, and China screamed together. China immediately leapt from her position on the floor with Fletcher. Tanith had backed against the wall; Valkyrie cowered on the spot.

"Could I have something to cover up with?" she asked timidly.

Skulduggery instantly cuffed Blue Rose's hands together and was at Valkyrie's side a moment later. He draped his suit jacket around her shoulders; she pulled it tightly around her.

"I _was_ just kidding about the never caring and not loving you thing," she murmured into his ear, gently pecking his cheek.

He smirked slightly. "I got to punch Fletcher; it's okay."

"I can't believe this!" China screamed, clutching the side of her head.

"I actually kissed Fletcher!" Tanith half sobbed and shouted. She pulled at her frilly dress and whimpered. Ghastly appeared at her side and hugged her.

"So, are we all going to totally ignore what happened?" Fletcher managed to squeak out. They had found Clarabelle hanging around a dumpster, and Skulduggery had dumped Blue Rose back at the Sanctuary.

"What?" Valkyrie inquired cheerfully. "Do you actually want to remember what happened? Do you want to recall those terrifying memories?"

Fletcher paused a moment. "Point taken."

* * *

OH GOD THIS WAS SO FUN TO WRITE.

But it's incredibly long D:

Which is why I'm not going to proofread it. It's far too late, and I gotta get up early because I'm getting my wisdom teeth out. Not fun. Painful. Sucky. I'll look like a squirrel in winter.

Why am I telling you this?

So I can totally get sympathy reviews :333

But yeah. I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks a whole ton for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	85. White Demon Love Song

In a plain white room, a girl sat, hunched, shaking slightly.

_White demon love song down the hall_  
_White demon shadow on the road_  
_Back up your mind, there is a call_  
_He isn't coming after all of this time_  
_She likes the way he sings_  
_White demon love song's in her dreams_

The girl, who had dark hair and dark eyes, once had a…lover, for lack of a better word. He was suave and charismatic, charming her easily, though inadvertently. She liked his suits. She liked his hats. She liked his soft voice that flowed out from his mouth like a soft summer breeze. They had feelings for each other that couldn't be ignored.

_White demon, where's your selfish kiss?_  
_White demon, sorrow will arrange_  
_Let's not forget about the fear_  
_Black invitation to a place that cannot change_  
_While strangely holy, come for a rain_

He left this girl. He left this girl. He left this girl.

He tried pleading with her that it wasn't his fault, and that a friend of his told him to leave her alone. The girl, named Sophia, noticed how he still managed to crack a joke or two in such a situation.

_(Darling)_

"I'm not exactly normal, love," the man, named Skulduggery, had said. "And my friend doesn't want your heart broken by a not-exactly-normal man."

"But…just because - !"

He shook his head. "I can't."

_White demon, widen your heart's scope_  
_White demon, who let your friends go?_  
_White demon, widen your heart's scope_  
_White demon, who let your friend go?_

"I thought that you never listened to anyone!"

"Except this one friend."

"But you don't take orders! Not from this dumb friend of yours!" she whined.

"From her, yes I do."

"I thought that…I thought that we actually had something kind of…special!"

Sophia had such a different personality from her relatives.

_Let us be in love_  
_(let us be in love)_  
_Let's do old and gray_  
_(let's do old and gray)_  
_I won't make you cry_  
_(I won't make you cry)_  
_I will never stray_  
_(I will never stray)_  
_I will do my part_  
_(I will do my part)_  
_Let us be in love tonight_

"We did."

"We _do_."

"We _did_."

"You said that you'd never leave me!"

"I know, and I lied. I lie about a lot of things. Remember how I said that my partner died in a car crash? I lied about that."

Sophia stared at him in horror.

_White demon, widen your heart's scope_  
_White demon, who let your friend go?_  
_White demon, widen your heart's scope_  
_White demon, who let your friend go?_

"Is…Are they the one making you leave?"

Skulduggery nodded. "They are."

"Well…tell them that they can't tell you what to do! You are your own person, Skulduggery! What don't you understand?"

"My partner actually can tell me what to do."

"Who is it? Who's your partner?"

"You know her."

With that, Skulduggery swooped down and kissed Sophia softly on the lips. She tried grabbing his arms to keep him grounded, but he turned and ran after that. His coat trailed behind him, and his scarf flapped wildly.

_(Stand it anymore, darling)_  
_(Stand it)_

"Thank you," Skulduggery's partner said. "I appreciate it."

He leaned up against the brick wall of a nearby building. "I think I broke her. I don't think she'll be too happy. Ever."

His partner, named Stephanie, but known as Valkyrie, shrugged. "Oh, don't think because you two broke up she'll mope over you."

"Hey, I'm a fantastic boyfriend. I bought flowers for her whenever I saw them." He stared down at the ground. "Hopefully she won't figure you out."

"What my baby sister doesn't know can't hurt her," Valkyrie replied quietly.

_(I can't stand it anymore, darling)  
(Stand it)

* * *

_

Man, I wish I was good at writing songfics. I fail epically. Especially when it's **The Killers**. Their lyrics have never made any sense. Like, ever. I do wonder why I keep writing songfics...

The song used is **White Demon Love Song**, by **The Killers**. It was made for the **Twilight: New Moon Soundtrack**, which infuriates me because they lent their marvelous talents to such a crappy franchise.

And ignore the fact that earlier I gave Valkyrie a brother.

Anyways, I survived my wisdom teeth ordeal. My face blew up marvelously, and I threw up twice the first day :D But I'm pretty much better, except for one cheek being slightly puffy and some bruising along my jaw-line. My mouth still hurts slightly, but it's been quite a while since I took pain meds, and I haven't died yet, so I'm happy about that.

I'm sure you care deeply about my oral surgery happenings XD

Anyways, thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	86. The Meeting

**The Meeting of the Unnatural Tambrey Amiya Keiko Who is Awesome and Sparkly and Nice and Pretty and Cool and Really Powerful and Stuff**

Sixteen year old Valkyrie Cain nodded to her partner, Skulduggery Pleasant. He crept around the wall, revolver in hand, while Valkyrie held a ball of shadows in her hand.

"BLARGH!" a zombie shouted grandly as he noticed the two. His other zombie friends turned to see what the fuss was.

"OOHBLAAA."

"WUUURG!"

"SPPOOLT!"

"Oh darn, they've spotted us," Skulduggery said, his tone cheerful. "Ready?"

Valkyrie nodded again, curling the shadows around her hand lazily. "I think we'll just have to run."

"Let's see what we can do," Skulduggery replied. They both rushed out from the wall and got into fighting stances. A huge surge of zombies came through some double doors to their right, and the partners shared a knowing look.

For quite a while, both Valkyrie and Skulduggery were knocked around by zombies. They just couldn't kill them! It was _infuriating_.

But suddenly, a wave of navy blue and silver shadows slammed into the hoard of zombies, knocking them all unconscious and forcing them to the ground.

"Phew," a female voice said from across the room. "I was worried about you guys!"

She jogged up to the pair with incredible speed, stopping in front of Valkyrie, her face etched with worry.

"Are you okay? I had heard that you two were going to be here, and I just knew that it'd be too many guys for you to take care of."

"You're a self-esteem-booster if I ever saw one," Skulduggery murmured, picking up his now ripped and tattered scarf.

The girl, who looked no more than sixteen as well, laughed heartily. Her laugh was soft and quiet, but still genuine. It reminded Valkyrie of _bells_.

She tossed back her gloriously shiny and long brown hair, streaked with pale lavender. Her eyes were the color of her streaks. She had black combat boots, black tights, and white short-shorts. Over her black leather coat which went down to her knees, she had a white shirt that had crazy writing on it.

"Who's…_Chemical Oh!3 Paranormal_?" Valkyrie asked skeptically. She pointed to the white shirt the girl was wearing.

"Oh, they're my favorite band!" she replied happily, humming a hit song under her breath as she said this. "Anyway, you're Valkyrie Cain, and you're Skulduggery Pleasant. I'm Tambrey Amiya Keiko."

She smiled, revealing fangs.

"Are you…a vampire?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yes," Tambrey Amiya Keiko said sadly, looking at the wall forlornly, "it's tragic. A vampire came and…killed my family, including my magical, talking cat, Dr. Oliver Sparkles Fancy. I managed to escape using my elemental, necromancy, and adepts powers combined. They were very powerful, even though I was only eight and had never practiced any sort of magic. It...just came to me. Anyway, I had been hunting down the vampire who murdered my family, and I finally found him. I wasn't quick enough to kill him…a-and he bit me."

Valkyrie merely stared at her.

Skulduggery had stopped mourning over his scarf and had meandered over to the girls. "You're an elemental, necromancer, and adept?" he asked, his voice laced with curiosity.

Tambrey Amiya Keiko nodded happily. She pulled the sleeves of her coat back, revealing a thick bracelet with the navy blue and silver shadows curling around it. She was wearing a ring on both hands, each with their own stone in it. These two stones were large, as they had all the colors of the rainbow on it.

"_Double rainbow…What does it mean_?" Valkyrie asked, her voice suddenly airy and sounding mystical.

"Well, whenever I put these rings together, it unleashes my adept ability, and I can shape-shift into an animal I want. My mother gave them to me before she died tragically... I had to put the power in the rings because I kept accidentally killing people because I'd turn into a tiger or something. I killed my best friend by mauling her, and I have lived with the grief for over two bajillion years…"

A single tear escaped her purple eyes, not smudging the thick line of eyeliner and mascara around her eyes miraculously.

"Anyway," Tambrey Amiya Keiko managed to choke out after her emotional fit, "we should get going. I don't know how long these guys can stay asleep."

She turned and marched away, leaving Valkyrie and Skulduggery to share confused looks with each other.

"I think…something is wrong with her," Skulduggery said."

"Yeah," Valkyrie whispered back, "how long is 'two bajillion years' anyway?"

"No, I mean she has a…disease. We'll stop by China's soon."

Suddenly Tambrey Amiya Keiko turned around wildly. She bared her fangs and her eyes flashed a violent red.

"China Sorrows?" she asked darkly.

"Yes," Skulduggery said, dragging out the word.

"I can't face her!" Tambrey Amiya Keiko suddenly screamed. "She's a terrible woman! She's harmed me and my family!"

"You said your family was killed by a vam-"

"Well it was before they died!"

Skulduggery nodded and shrugged. "Well, Valkyrie, how about you take Mar – I mean Tambrey Amiya Keiko back to Gordon's…and you can maybe then lock yourself in your room away from all contact."

"O…kay."

"Good."

Skulduggery sped up his pace and arrived at the Bentley before the girls did. Valkyrie sat in the front, while Tambrey Amiya Keiko sat in the back, staring longingly out the window, tears escaping her eyes. Skulduggery dropped the two off at Gordon's mansion, much to the disappointment of Valkyrie.

When they entered the mansion, Fletcher came bounding around the corner. "Hey!" he happily said, running up and hugging Valkyrie tightly. He kissed her lightly on her cheek.

"Fletcher, this is Tambrey Amiya Keiko. Tambrey Amiya Keiko, this is Fletcher Renn."

"Hey there," he said, giving a wave.

Tambrey Amiya Keiko batted her eyelashes and tossed her hair behind her shoulder. "Hey," she muttered, smiling shyly.

Fletcher frowned. "Right. I'm going to go keep raiding your fridge."

Valkyrie smiled. "You suck."

Fletcher gave Valkyrie another kiss and then bounded off again.

"Are you two together?" Tambrey Amiya Keiko asked urgently.

"Oh no, we're brother and sister," Valkyrie answered dully. "Of course we're together. How stupid are you?"

Valkyrie walked off into the kitchen after Fletcher.

Tambrey Amiya Keiko watched her go. She remained standing in the entryway. Tambrey Amiya Keiko had only known Fletcher for a few moments, but she already knew she completely _loved him_.

* * *

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

I made a new character! So what!

Don't you just _love_ her? I mean, yeah, we didn't get to dwell on her tragic and depressing past full of pain and sorrow and blood and fights and unnatural powers for an eight year old too much, but perhaps later she'll return and you'll learn more about her troubled childhood and all that. She was a bathroom idea, but you know, it was just such an epiphany.

Mark my words, Tambrey Amiya Keiko is totally going to be up there with all the great literary heroes…Like Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Justin Bieber (he is writing a book about himself), all them, you know.

Thanks for reading guuuuuys~ Sorry for any mistakes! But since this has Tambrey Amiya Keiko in it, it should be mistake free…

:DDDD


	87. Wait, What?

This idea excites me :D

Aaaaand.

Half of the reviews were you guys being all confused over my previous chapter, BUT. THIS MEANS WE HAVE REACHED 600 REVIEWS. I'm not as excited as I normally am, since I'm cranky right now, but thaaaank you guys~ All your reviews always make me feel loved and stuff. LOVE YOU AND ALL.

Also (and not bragging here. Actually, I'm kind of scared about this) this has become the fist SP work to reach over 100,000 words XD My gosh, I write far too much.

Anyway, enjoy this nice, semi-normal work :)

* * *

Stephanie Edgley's eyes snapped open.

She was in a white room, laying on a white bed, dressed in a white hospital gown.

Her first logical thought was that she was in a hospital of sorts. Her second thought was her wondering where in the world she was. There were no windows in the room, but it was still bright, thanks to the overhead lights.

"Ah, Valkyrie, you're awake," an old man said, coming into the room. He closed the door behind him forcefully. He grabbed a small cloth from a counter and approached Stephanie.

"Where am I? And…who are you, actually? That's what I want to know first. Then tell me where I am."

"Val-" The man stopped mid-word, the cloth in mid-air. "Oh God…" He threw the cloth down on the bed and clenched his fists. "I'm Kenspeckle Grouse, and you're at my lab at the old Hibernian Cinema."

"I thought it was closed," Stephanie said.

"It is to the public at least."

"I see. Why am I here, then?"

"Well…" Kenspeckle trailed off, sighing tiredly. "I'll be right back. Just hold on a moment."

He stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut on his way out. Stephanie heard loud shouts followed by even louder shouts. There was a pause, footsteps, even _more_ shouting, and then quiet. Quick and light footsteps sounded in the halls, and Stephanie was afraid who else was accompanying this Kenspeckle character; she could hear a new pair of steps.

"I can't even _comprehend _how you could let this happen to her," she heard Kenspeckle mutter darkly.

"She told me she could do it," a new voice calmly replied. Stephanie felt drawn to this voice. It was smooth, and she could even describe it as velvety. Kenspeckle entered the room again, followed by an impossibly skinny man. Stephanie smiled politely at the man and then looked at her bed sheets.

…

Wait.

Double take.

Stephanie stared at the pure white skull of the skinny man. She could see his spine leading down his black shirt. A pinstripe suit jacket and pants hung off of him, and though they were fitted to him specifically, they were a bit too large.

"You're-" she started, but the skeleton cut her off.

"Skulduggery Pleasant, in case you were wondering," he said happily, reaching out to shake her hand. "I _am_ a skeleton, so no need to ask about it."

"How are you like that?" Stephanie asked, not terrified, just curious. She shook his hand, which was gloved, but she could tell it was just bones.

Skulduggery chuckled quietly. "It's an unusually long story, and I don't think the kind professor wants me here long."

"Why wouldn't he?" Stephanie asked, gathering that Kenspeckle kind of sort of hated Skulduggery with a deep and fiery passion.

"We don't see eye to eye socket on a few things," Skulduggery said. He paused a moment. "That was a joke."

"That was the least funny thing I've ever heard."

"I try."

"Oh, this is simply hilarious," Kenspeckle grunted, "but I think, uh, Stephanie needs rest."

"I'm pretty rested," she said. She threw off the sheets and tried standing up, but Skulduggery had forced her back gently.

"You see, Stephanie, in a life far from this one, you can do magic," he explained softly, pulling the blankets back up to her chest.

"Magic? Is it fun? Am I powerful?"

"Oh yes. It's just barrels of fun, and a teacher of yours says you're excelling in your studies. Anyway, Stephanie," he continued, "in this other life, you and I are partners. We usually drive around in my gorgeous car and punch people in the face. I'd been away for a while, but you found me, so that's the end of that. Also you have a boyfriend, but he's annoying."

"A boyfriend? How old am I? Why am I even here?"

"You're sixteen, Stephanie," Kenspeckle responded. "You're here because this idiot brought you along for a case and wasn't looking when you were knocked on the head with a pipe by a…bad guy. Now you have amnesia!"

"Scapegrace is the most harmless person I've ever met."

"Who's Scapegrace?" Stephanie asked, her head being overwhelmed with the explanations she was receiving.

"A zombie; don't worry about him."

"Pleasant, he's obviously harmful because he hit Valkyrie with a pipe!"

"'Valkyrie'? Am I Valkyrie?"

"Valkyrie Cain," Skulduggery confirmed.

"What case were we on?"

"Scapegrace and Team Zombie were stealing a gold box. It's not important."

"It's probably important to Team Zombie," Stephanie replied.

"Valkyrie!" a new voice suddenly called out.

Kenspeckle rushed over to the tall teenage boy with silly blond hair. He whispered in his ear what had transpired so far, and the grin on the boy's face gradually turned into a frown.

"Nevermind then," he grumbled and went and flopped onto a chair near Stephanie's bed.

"Hello there, Fletcher," Skulduggery said. "Sorry about your girlfriend."

"_He's_ my boyfriend!" Stephanie shouted in surprise. Skulduggery burst out laughing, throwing his head back.

"Ignore the skeleton," the teenager said, "he's insane. By a lot. I'm Fletcher Renn by the way. I figured you wouldn't remember my name if you didn't remember I was your boyfriend."

Stephanie nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that, I guess."

"Well, when you have amnesia, I'm not that surprised."

"That hit must have been really powerful," Kenspeckle mused.

"I didn't think Scapegrace could even lift that pipe," Skulduggery responded.

"Well he is a zombie," Fletcher pointed out.

"Yes, yes okay," Kenspeckle grumbled. "Scapegrace is lame and no one likes him. Now would you please leave so I can work on Stephanie's memory?"

"Actually wouldn't it help if I went around with them to try to jog my memory? I don't like being so helpless," Stephanie added quietly. Fletcher patted her hand.

"She's got a point," Skulduggery murmured lightly, giving Kenspeckle an innocent look, if that were possible for skeletons.

Kenspeckle considered it a moment. "Don't do anything dangerous," he finally said.

Stephanie smiled at him. She didn't really know him, but she could tell he cared about her. The three men left so Stephanie could dress. She tugged off her gown and looked at the pile of black cloth in front of her. She put on the pants which were soft; the jacket fit perfectly and the red added a nice touch; finally her boots. She tied them quickly and padded out of the room. Kenspeckle was glaring something terrible at Skulduggery while Fletcher sat in a plastic chair, humming quietly. Skulduggery had managed to cover his face with a scarf and sunglasses, while a fuzzy orange hair covered the rest of his skull, and a fedora was atop the hair.

"Hey Val – Stephanie," Fletcher said sadly.

She smiled lightly. "Have you always called me Valkyrie?"

"For the two years I've known you, yes."

"Then call me Valkyrie."

He smiled too and patted her shoulder awkwardly.

"Ready then?" Skulduggery asked them. Stephanie and Fletcher nodded. Skulduggery led the way out of the cinema. He climbed into the driver's side of his beloved car while Stephanie just stared.

"Impressed?" Skulduggery asked smugly. "She never ceases to amaze, I know."

"No, do I sit in the front?"

Skulduggery grunted. "Usually yes."

Stephanie smiled again and climbed into the car. She buckled herself in at the request of Skulduggery and Fletcher, who was in the back.

The car smelled familiar. It didn't smell bad, but it was just memorable. Stephanie realized it must be her memory trying to break free. The engine sounded familiar as Skulduggery maneuvered the vehicle around the streets.

"That's China Sorrows' library," he pointed out, nodding towards an old building. "Down a few streets is where Tanith Low lives, but she's busy at the moment, which is a shame. You and her are good friends."

They drove on for another fifteen minutes.

"That shop is where Ghastly Bespoke is. He makes our clothes; isn't that nice of him? He was a statue for two years."

Stephanie vaguely recalled hugging a big man forcefully. Nothing else came to her mind though.

"This pier is where you were ruthlessly chased by vampires," Skulduggery said after more driving. "That was the night of your family reunion. What a fun night."

"Were you there?"

"No. Tanith and I were being attacked my spiders."

Fletcher laughed. "That house over there is where your parents live."

"Well let's go see them!" Stephanie exclaimed, staring at the brick house.

"I don't think they'd really like it if a skeleton and dumb teleporter waltzed into their house, especially with a confused daughter. Your brother would probably cry at the sight of Fletcher."

"I have a brother?"

"Patrick Edgley. He's about a year old."

"Oh."

Stephanie slumped her head against the window. She didn't like not knowing all of these important things. She couldn't remember her own parents' names! Apparently she was best friends with all these people Skulduggery was naming off, but she didn't even know their favorite color. Fletcher pointed out the window and explained that a few miles down a narrow dusty road they'd find Aranmore Farms. This, of course, meant absolutely nothing to Stephanie, but apparently it meant a great deal to Skulduggery, who grunted and sped up the car.

"It's complicated, and it'd be best if you just didn't know what happened there," Fletcher answered her when Stephanie asked about it. "You'll get your memory back soon, and I don't think anyone really wants to think about Paddy."

Skulduggery shuddered and sped up even more.

After driving for a little bit more, Skulduggery parked the gleaming car next to the curb at a very large and gorgeous mansion. Fletcher got out quickly and helped Stephanie out.

"I can still walk, thanks," she replied.

"Ah, there's my Valkyrie," he joked, punching her on the shoulder.

Skulduggery passed them and entered the house swiftly, grumbling something about doors. Stephanie looked at the scuff mark on the front and gave it a look.

"Did that mark kill your family?"

"Shut up, it looks familiar."

"Do _I_ look familiar?"

"No, you look annoying."

"There's _my_ Valkyrie," Skulduggery said, removing his disguise. "Now, go run around the house and see if anything looks familiar."

Fletcher made a beeline for the fridge. He shed his coat and placed it neatly on the counters. Skulduggery grabbed a pot and began boiling some water for tea. Stephanie watched them for a moment before rushing up the steps and looking around at the wallpaper and pictures on the walls. She saw a slightly pudgy man with brown hair beaming back at her through many of the pictures. She saw one with the man and Skulduggery! Making sure no one was watching her, she grabbed the frame and looked at it more closely. It definitely was Skulduggery. There was pretty much no way it couldn't be him.

She kept the picture so she could ask him about it later. She kept wandering around the upstairs, stopping to look into a few different rooms. Most of them were bedrooms, but she did find a bathroom at some point.

Stephanie stopped in front of one door. It was the last door on the upper floor. She turned the knob and entered a study of sorts. Books and books and _books_ lined the walls, and a large desk sat in the middle of the room. A few papers were on the desk, but it looked neat enough. She looked around at the different books on the shelves. Many of them had titles that had to do with either a vital organ of the body, or gore. Stephanie pulled a book from the shelf and read the title: The Brain Eater.

Ew.

She looked through more books. They occupied three shelves all together. A few titles that she found particularly strange were: The Dying Corpse, Fainting Across Graveyards, Different Heads, The Midnight Hotel, and a whole lot more.

One specific novel caught her eye. And the Darkness Rained Upon Them. Its title was drastically different from the others; no organs were mentioned!

She grabbed the novel and looked at the cover. It depicted a swirling green portal with three men running from it heroically. One man carried a baseball pat, and his nose was bleeding. A dark haired girl stood at the very front of the portal, her hands stretched out wide. In the corner of the cover, there was a small blurb about how that specific book was the last work of the late Gordon Edgley.

Edgley.

She supposed she'd be related to this Gordon person. Skulduggery had taken them to his house, after all. She grunted in confusion and threw the book on the desk. She kept reading along the shelves, stopping again at a small, plain, white book. It had no title on its spine. Stephanie yanked hard on the book, and miraculously the bookcase pushed her inside a secret, dark, and cramped room. A blue stone began glowing. It was nestled nicely in a small box on a table.

"Hello Stephanie," a man greeted her. He had materialized out of the stone it seemed.

"G-Gordon Edgley?" Stephanie stuttered, staring at the picture in her hand. Yeah, that was the same guy. He was kind of _transparent_, though.

He paused and frowned. "Uh, yes. This is your uncle speaking. Who am I talking to?"

"Stephanie Edgley, right?"

"I don't know," he answered, "you tell me."

"I am Stephanie, right? You called me that."

"That was when I thought you'd recognize your own dead uncle."

"Dead?"

"I've been dead for quite while, actually," he said sadly.

"How long?"

"Four years."

"How long have I known you were here?" she asked urgently.

"Thee years."

"Oh, wow."

"Apparently so."

Silence.

"What happened to you Stephanie?" Gordon asked eventually. He kept staring at his niece really hard, like she'd suddenly crack up and claim it was all a joke.

"I was hit on the head…with a pipe…by a zombie. I've got amnesia and can't remember a thing, except my own name. Which _is_ Stephanie Edgley. "

"Oh, Team Zombie," Gordon said airily. "You've told me a lot about them. You mostly say that they're all dumb and aren't really a threat. I see that they are."

"Skulduggery said something like that."

"He's here?" Gordon asked nervously. "The not-forgetful Stephanie Edgley and I had an agreement where she wouldn't tell anyone about me. Let's keep that."

She nodded. "Okay. Makes sense. I guess I'd feel pretty weird if I died and came back as a…ghost."

"I'm not a _ghost_," Gordon snorted. "I'm more of a-"

"Leaving now!" Stephanie called happily, pushing the bookcase open again and slamming it shut. Stephanie didn't have any desire to keep talking to him. She picked up And the Darkness Rained Upon Them and headed out of the study. She made sure she still had the picture to ask Skulduggery about it.

She found Fletcher sprawled out on the carpeted floor in the living room; Skulduggery sat on a couch, reading an ancient newspaper.

"Do you know Gordon Edgley?" Stephanie asked him abruptly. She showed him the picture.

Skulduggery looked up slowly from the paper. "I _knew_ him. He was your uncle, but he died suddenly a few years back. This guy killed him-"

"Serpine?"

Silence.

"I don't know where that came from," she eventually muttered.

"Well, you're right," Skulduggery said. "Serpine murdered him. There was this whole complicated thing with statues and books, but it's all cleared up. Pretty much. Sort of. Yeah, it's cleared up."

"You sure?"

"Positive. Tea?" He pointed to the kitchen, and Stephanie saw a small teacup with steam coming up from it. She went and fixed it to how she liked it, which just kind of came to her. She took a sip and smiled. It tasted _nice_.

"Anything up there help you?" Fletcher asked her as she stepped over his face with tea and book in hand.

"Not really. My uncle was an author apparently," she said, waving the book in her hand around. She curled up into a chair and cracked open the book and began to read.

Two hours later, Skulduggery spoke and broke the silence.

"I'm afraid I have to get going," he said, standing up and stretching, which Stephanie found odd and unnecessary. "The Sanctuary wants me to tell them about the box Team Zombie was trying to steal. Crux probably thinks he'll be able to track it. The idiot." He turned to Stephanie. "Will you be alright here? I'd say I could leave you in the capable hands of Fletcher, but his hands aren't very capable. Do you want to come along with me?"

Stephanie shook her head. "I'll stay here, thanks."

Skulduggery nodded and donned his disguise. He gave a small wave to Fletcher, who was still on the ground. He had his own book.

"So there's nothing that's helping you?" he asked again.

Stephanie shrugged. "I'm getting fuzzy images and things keep popping into my head, but no. I don't really have any recollection of my life…ever." She sighed and got up to put her tea cup in the sink in the kitchen. Of course, at that instant, Fletcher had decided to roll over, kicking his legs out, causing Stephanie to trip. She stumbled over his legs and tripped again and knocked head first into a table.

"I think she's waking up!" an excited voice shouted.

"Be quiet!" someone grumpily replied.

"She _is_ waking up, actually," another person said.

Valkyrie Cain's eyes snapped open.

She sat up and stared at the three men around her. Skulduggery Pleasant, Kenspeckle Grouse, and Fletcher Renn. Fletcher was closest to her.

Perfect.

"You suck so much," she simply said and punched him square in the nose.

"Oh hello Valkyrie," Skulduggery said, not bothering to help Fletcher up. "I suppose it makes sense for your memory to be back. Professor Grouse didn't think you'd be back to normal. Now that I see you've punched Fletcher, obviously, you're perfectly fine."

Valkyrie nodded and swung her legs over the bed. She noticed she was still in her regular black clothes. She stared at Fletcher, who was sitting pitifully on the floor, clutching his nose.

"Owww," he moaned when Valkyrie bent down to touch it.

"Oh you're fine, you big baby," she said. "I didn't break it."

"Speaking of breaking," Kenspeckle muttered angrily, pointing to the bed. "Sit down," he commanded.

Valkyrie frowned. "But I'm fine! Look! I'm me!"

"Sit."

Valkyrie frowned deeper but obeyed anyway. She sat cross-legged on the bed with Fletcher beside her. Skulduggery stood in front of them with his arms crossed.

"Today was interesting," he said. "You didn't laugh at anything I said. Nor did you get down on your knees and bow to me."

"When have I ever done that?"

"I wanted to see if I could _trick you_," Skulduggery replied airily, waving his hands around like an idiot.

"Stupid Me would fall for that. _I_ wouldn't."

"Oh, I thought you were the same person," Fletcher said.

Valkyrie elbowed Fletcher in the ribs.

"Ah, yes, that's the violent and terrifying Valkyrie we've come to know and love," Skulduggery said happily.

Valkyrie smiled, but she suddenly frowned. "I didn't do anything embarrassing, did I?"

Fletcher almost answered, but Skulduggery cut him off by saying, "Oh no. I mean, you did scream at us for about five minutes about how you could see a rabbit. Obviously, there were _no_ rabbits in the facility; you were just temporarily insane. Kenspeckle knocked you out with a tranquilizer gun, and then you fell asleep naturally. You woke up just confused as to where you were and how you came to know someone so terrible as Fletcher and someone so amazingly fantastic as I. "

"Really?"

"Oh yes, I speak the truth," Skulduggery said, holding up his right hand.

Valkyrie looked at Fletcher to see if Skulduggery was telling the truth, and he nodded sympathetically and patted her shoulder.

"Where did Kenspeckle get a tranquilizer gun?" Valkyrie asked a few seconds later.

Skulduggery remained silent and slowly began edging away to the door. Fletcher did the same.

"Guys, I'll give you a three second head start," she said, realizing they were both lying to her.

"Oh, it's so nice to have Valkyrie back."

* * *

Uhm.

Just erase the ending from your mind. Geez, that was terrible. Like, I loved my beginning and I had SO much fun writing this and all, but I just couldn't get an ending. Poo on me.

Anyway, school is starting up in, like, two seconds D: I don't know what to say with updates. I'm sure you all don't care that much, but I'm just letting you know. I'll be entering a new school for this year, so if I do update, an author's note will follow the update and it will consist of me whining about high school. (Surprise, I'll be a freshman next year.) I had, like, no inspiration throughout the summer, but I seem to always want to write during the school year and put off my assignments.

Yeeep.

So, I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading! Sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	88. Chained and Choked

Hahaha I love this idea :33

* * *

Fletcher Renn woke up with his chin to his chest. He was sitting up against something hard, and something rough was applied to his arms. He groaned unhappily and rotated his neck around, getting the obnoxious kinks out.

"Good morning, Fletcher," Skulduggery Pleasant said brightly. Too brightly for a guy who is tied to a chair.

Fletcher shouted in surprise and flailed around, only to realize a thick rope was tied around him, his chair, Skulduggery, and Skulduggery's chair. "Oh this is bad," he mumbled.

"Oh, I'm sorry, good morning Captain Obvious," Skulduggery replied quickly. "Of course this is bad. I'm tied to a chair with only you as company."

"Where _are _we?" Fletcher said, ignoring the insults.

"Well, Team Zombie managed to capture us and throw us in a dungeon of sorts. I'm positive Valkyrie got away, which is all fine and dandy. However, we are in quite the _pickle_."

"Please shut up."

"Sorry, Captain Obvious."

Fletcher silently fumed and began wriggling around in his chair to see if he could loosen the ropes. He tried to teleport, but the cell must have been magic-resistant.

"I've already tried getting free," Skulduggery said. "The rope is bound far too tight. I'm also missing an arm. It's over in the corner."

Fletcher craned his neck and saw that, yes, a bony arm was lying limply in a dark corner. "How did you manage to pull off your own arm?"

"Why would I want to pull off my own arm? Team Zombie did it. Scapegrace came in while you were still dozing, shouting about how he was going to kill me, when I politely pointed out that that would be rather difficult. He then had his lackey pull off my arm."

"They knocked me out!" Fletcher protested.

"Same for me," Skulduggery answered. "It seems my brain is far superior to yours."

"Your non-existent brain, you mean."

"Quiet, Fletcher."

Fletcher grunted and settled into his chair. The ropes got tighter with every squirm, so finally Fletcher just gave up and sat with his chin against his chest again. They sat in silence for a little bit more until Skulduggery said, "How is your relationship with Valkyrie?"

"Wh-"

"I figure since we're stuck together in a room with nowhere to go, we should discuss those pressing matters, like your relationship with my partner."

"You said that you were fine with it!" Fletcher shouted, whining slightly.

"I did, yes," Skulduggery said. "I must have been temporarily stupid when you asked me about it. Anyway, what are your intentions?"

"What intentions am I supposed to have?"

Skulduggery sighed. "I'm just curious as to whether or not you'll be using Valkyrie for something."

"What would I use her for?"

"Do tell."

"What?"

"Fletcher…You're not making any sense."

"Me?" Fletcher shouted. "_I'm_ not making sense?"

"Calm down, I was joking," Skulduggery said, raising his voice to be heard over Fletcher's roars.

"Well that was a terrible joke," Fletcher said.

Skulduggery shrugged with his one arm. "Pardon me, then, Captain Obvious," he said. "But I actually am curious as to where you think your relationship will go. I, actually, am quite happy that you two are together."

"Oh my gosh, Skul – Wait, really? You're happy?"

Skulduggery did another shrug. "I'm afraid as to how low Valkyrie's standards can go with boys since she's with you, but it keeps you two occupied. Frankly, Valkyrie needs a bit of a break."

"She worked hard to get that skull you're wearing back," Fletcher joked. "She's seemed off lately, hasn't she?"

"Ah, good. I was afraid that I was the only one who noticed."

"Please. I'm her boyfriend," Fletcher laughed. "I'm _supposed _to notice these things. It's my job."

"This Caelan friend of yours," Skulduggery said suddenly, dropping all joking tones from his voice. "I don't really like him. I don't know him that well, yes, but I still just think he's bad news bears."

"Definitely, Commander Evident," Fletcher replied.

"Oh, ha, I get it. It's like Captain Obvious. How un-funny."

"Hey, that's quality material right there!" Fletcher responded hotly.

"That's the best you have? My, what was going through Valkyrie's mind when she decided to date you?" Skulduggery laughed for a moment, then grunted. "Seriously, why did she say yes?"

"What? You want to date her?" Fletcher grumbled.

"Goodness no. She's sixteen. And annoying."

"She's not annoying," the teleported responded angrily. "I happen to actually like her a lot. Sure, you like her too, but it's in the fatherly way. She likes you in the daughterly way. She likes _me_ in the boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. Valkyrie said yes because she honestly likes me back, and she thinks I'm really cute."

Skulduggery sniggered. "With _that_ hair?"

"It defines me," Fletcher said, defending his trademark style. "My hair's better than yours. You don't even _have _any."

"Too true, too true," Skulduggery agreed. He grunted and chuckled quietly. "Why do you like her?"

"Is this twenty questions?"

"Can't we have a nice man-to-man talk?"

"Fine," Fletcher groaned. "Why do I like her? I think…Valkyrie's just really awesome. Everything she does is smooth, except that one time when she fell all over me and almost choked me. Anyway, she's a really interesting person. I mean she's also really freakin' hot and-"

"Ahh, don't describe her that way, please," Skulduggery interrupted, shuddering quietly.

"How else am I supposed to describe her?"

"Beautiful or something of that nature," Skulduggery answered.

Fletcher paused a moment, then smirked. "She _is_ beautiful, I guess. The way her eyes…Ew, this sounds gross."

"Oh please, I'm all ears," Skulduggery replied, egging him on.

"It's just the way her eyes sparkle all the time when she's training or just talking is amazing. And her lips do that little puckered thing when she's embarrassed or being shy or whatever. Yeah, Valkyrie's not _shy_, but she does that around me a lot, and it's just adorable. I can't describe it well enough, I guess."

"Oh, I think you covered the basics," Valkyrie Cain answered.

Fletcher Renn froze and craned his neck and noticed the partners standing next to each other. Skulduggery was feeding his arm through his suit sleeve. The ropes he was in were severed, and Fletcher realized his were too.

"Uh…How long were you there?"

"I heard everything past when Skulduggery asked why you like me," Valkyrie said. "I'm 'really freakin' hot'?"

"Stop saying that!" Skulduggery muttered unhappily. "Don't use that as a description unless you're talking about tea."

"Yes, dad," Valkyrie laughed. She meandered over to Fletcher and gave him a swift peck on the cheek.

"Well this is awkward," Fletcher said, but smiling and blushing at the kiss.

Valkyrie laughed and plucked the ropes from his body. "Aw, no, you're cute."

"Ha!" Fletcher shouted triumphantly. "See? She thinks I'm cute!"

"Well that is Valkyrie's own personal opinion," Skulduggery replied. "I don't find you that attractive. Now stop shouting. I think I hear the awkward and clunking footsteps of our favorite zombie."

"Ah, I've missed Scapegrace!" Valkyrie said happily. "Oh look, there he is now!" She shoved Fletcher out of the way and grabbed a chair and slammed it into Scapegrace, who had just come in. It collided with his head and face, peeling off a little skin all the while. Valkyrie flicked a pair of shadows at him and they slapped his face harshly, leaving multicolored prints on his cheeks. Scapegrace didn't even say anything; he just fell in a heap on the cold floor.

"Well that settles that," Skulduggery muttered, cuffing Scapegrace's hands together.

Valkyrie faced Fletcher, who had just managed to get up. "Sorry about that. I didn't really want to hit you with a chair."

"Oh, no, that's totally fine," he said and smile. "You really are pretty hot…"

Skulduggery moaned in desperation, snapping his palm against the air, sending a wave of water at Fletcher.

* * *

HA THIS WAS SO FUN.

Man, see! I'm all pumped to write suddenly! School starts tomorrow! Blaaargh my life. Anyways, thanks for reading guys! Sorry for any mistakes!

For anyone entering a new school next year, I wish you good luck! :DD


	89. Mustaches

"Oh God!" Valkyrie screamed, jumping back in horror at Skulduggery. She had climbed into the Bentley, and when she turned to look at him, screamed.

"I know," Skulduggery said. "Can we not talk about it? I'm going to China and getting it fixed soon."

"Please do," Valkyrie grumbled unhappily, staring out the window.

"Are you not going to look at me until this is fixed?"

She shrugged. "Pretty much. Either that or revert back."

"But we have important things to do!" he whined.

"Maybe you should get rid of that creepy Hitler Mustache," Valkyrie replied, laughing at his failed façade.

* * *

EXACTLY 100 WORDS. CELEBRATE.

Yeah, whatever. I haven't been writing much. Most because of Mortal Coil being out and me being randomly sad. Whatever. Everyone, look to your right. To your right is the happy world. Everyone, look to your left. To your left is the unhappy Mortal Coil world. Pretty much everything I write EVER will have NOTHING to do with the left world. The left world sucks.


	90. Will You?

I am slowly becoming more of a Fletcherie fan than a Valduggery fan…

XD

I just kinda wanted some fluff. So…yeah.

WOOOW CHAPTER 90 SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THAT'S REALLY AWESOME AND CRAZY AND I WRITE WAAAY TOO MUCH. I'm totally have a party when I reach 100 :3

* * *

"Oh hi Fletcher," Valkyrie Cain greeted him as he materialized next to her.

"I didn't scare you?" he asked hopefully.

She shook her head. "The ability to scare me has left the building," she replied. "I'm also so used to you just popping up at anytime. I've given up on yelling at you."

"Thank goodness," he said, wrapping an arm around her waist tightly. "You're not busy, are you?"

Valkyrie shook her head and almost said something, but before she knew it, she was standing with Fletcher on a secluded beach. The sun was setting over the water, making it sparkle glamorously. The waves crashed against the rocks they were standing upon, and the wind blew around Valkyrie's hair.

"Wow," she breathed happily.

"Greece," Fletcher said, answering her unasked question. "I thought this would be a nice place to spend the evening."

Valkyrie smiled and threw her arms around Fletcher's neck. She hugged him tightly and kissed his lips softly. He smiled as he held onto her waist tighter, breathing in her scent. Valkyrie pulled away and yanked on his hand. They both sat on the rocks, with Valkyrie in Fletcher's lap.

"Hey Valkyrie?" Fletcher said gently, playing with her hair. They had been sitting in peace for a while.

"Hmm?" she mumbled.

"Will you marry me?"

And like that, the peacefulness was broken.

"WHAT?" Valkyrie screamed, scrambling up from the ground. She stared in shock as Fletcher produced a simple silver band with a diamond in the middle.

"Will you?" he asked again, remaining quiet and calm. He staggered up and stood still, holding out the ring like a peace offering.

Valkyrie froze, switching her gaze from Fletcher to the ring. "I…guess."

"I need a better answer than that, Valkyrie."

She laughed and stepped up closer. "Skulduggery isn't going to like this…" she mumbled.

Fletcher shrugged. "That's why I asked him _and_ you actual father for permission."

"Skulduggery actually said yes?"

"After I convinced him that you were no longer the twelve year old girl he originally knew," Fletcher said, smirking. "He admitted that we actually kind of work."

Valkyrie grinned and sighed. "Fletcher, I love you," she said. "And _yes_, I'll marry you."

Fletcher Renn's face lit up brightly. Valkyrie allowed him to slip the ring onto her finger, admiring it.

"Woah," Fletcher suddenly said. "We're going to get married?"

Valkyrie just smiled.

* * *

Yeah, I dunno. I never know what I'm doing when I write half of this stuff…XD

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	91. A Family Tree of Epic Proportions

So I stumbled upon a theory that Fletcher was Skulduggery's son. You can imagine my reaction. I told my friend, Tara, about this and she was horrified as well. So…this is the result. It's technically not a story, but it's not an MSN story, so thaaank goodness. (I really hate it when people do that. IT'S NOT A STORY GUYS.)

So, I'm **Me**, and Tara is…**Tara.

* * *

**

**Me: **So I read a theory that Fletcher is Skulduggery's son.

**Tara: ***horrified sound for fives minutes* *hysterical laughter* That would be really gross! How is that even possible?

**Me: **Well he'd be human…

**Tara: **But then Fletcher would be really old!

**Me: **No, see, Skulduggery can be over here. China can be waaay over there. Caelan can be dying in a fire. Tanith and Ghastly can be married and have babies, and Valkyrie and Fletcher can get married and have babies.

**Tara: **Skulduggery's sons are totally Caelan and Fletcher.

**Me: **Ooh! It'd be weird if Valkyrie was Skulduggery's mom! And then Ghastly is his dad!

**Tara: **Tanith can deliver Skulduggery! And then Kenspeckle fixes his skin disease, which is why he's a skeleton. And then Kenspeckle and Tanith get together.

**Me: **EW.

**Tara: **And then when they got together, they _got busy_. They totally had Sanguine, Scapegrace, and Dusk.

**Me: **Oh, and then Caelan and Dusk should be married!

**Tara: **So then…they used _China_ as a surrogate mother, and she had Nye! But Nye has all those appendages, so Tanith had to do a C-section. And then Kenspeckle said 'SHOOT IT SHOOT IT' and her hands were all up in China. And she had to pull cords and stuff.

**Me: **EW GOD.

**Tara: **That's pretty much how it happened.

**Me: **Skulduggery has Fletcher and Wreath and Caelan. He just popped them out on his own accord, and now he's dating Carol. He _totally_ likes chubby girls!

**Tara: **When Valkyrie gets bored with Ghastly, she has some _hanky-panky_ with Carol and Crystal. Fletcher is dating Crystal. China, after giving birth to Nye, runs off with Crux.

**Me: **And they give birth to…

**Tara: **Clarabelle! And then Clarabelle went with Wreath and they ran away into the woods, and then Clarabelle turns into an anteater. So then she sniffs Skulduggery's baby toys, even though he's, like, 45. Valkyrie picks her up, saying 'Maaaagic anteater!' and she keeps her in a cage by their door and rub it for good luck when they leave the house. And Skulduggery totally lives at home.

**Me: **Wow. This is fantastic.

**Tara: **This is. We should do a parody.

**Me: **OH GOD YES.


	92. The Retelling

**The Retelling of a Dark and Depressing Past of the Unnatural Tambrey Amiya Keiko Who is Awesome and Sparkly and Nice and Pretty and Cool and Really Powerful and Stuff**

Every guy Tambrey Amiya Keiko fell in love with was gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, determined, gorgeous, gorgeous, nice, tall, with tanned skin, great hair, and gorgeous, yet flawed in some adorably attractive way, or flawed in the scary way where she was the only one who could help him.

But Tambrey Amiya Keiko knew that Fletcher Renn was different. He was good-looking and had nice hair, but he didn't have that air of really awesomely superbly intelligence the other guys she fell in love with had. She could tell, even though from being in his presence for only a minute, that he was quite flawed, but that she could change and _help_ him. She knew that Fletcher wasn't a guy who would break her heart. She had had too many heart breaks over the years.

The fact that Valkyrie Cain was going out with him was no problem. She'd have him won over in a few more minutes fo' sho'.

She made her way into the kitchen where Fletcher and Valkyrie were. Valkyrie was holding an apple delicately in her hands, while Fletcher was munching on a celery stick. He even ate healthy! Tambrey Amiya Keiko and him _were_ the perfect match.

"Tambrey Amiya Keiko," Fletcher said, swallowing his celery, "what brings you to Ireland?"

She batted her eyelashes at him, but he just kept smiling at her. She sighed inwardly. "I saw a vision that Val-"

"Wait," Valkyrie interrupted her, "you're also a Sensitive?"

Tambrey Amiya Keiko nodded. "Another _curse_ that was bestowed upon me." Another tear fell from her eye. "Anyway, I had a vision that Valkyrie, you would witness a death by your own hands. I knew if I came down here, I could prevent it."

Fletcher and Valkyrie stared blankly.

"Alright that's nice," Fletcher muttered. "How did you get all of your…powers?"

Tambrey Amiya Keiko let another tear escape her eye. "It's so tragic…" She hoped Fletcher would console her, but he didn't move a muscle. "When I was born, my mother was a Sensitive. My father was an elemental and the Grand Mage of Mary-Sue Sparkles Fancy Unicorn Land. The people disapproved of their relationship. My brother was a necromancer, and my sister was an adept who could turn into animals. Years passed, and I grew into a healthy and stunning eight year old. One _fateful_ night, a random rogue vampire barged into our house, intent on murdering us for no reason whatsoever. My mother hid me in a closer with my talking cat, Dr. Oliver Sparkles Fancy.

"The vampire successfully killed my family, even though four adult mages should have been able to at least chase away the vampire. He prowled around my house, and I was scared. Dr. Oliver Sparkles Fancy told me not to worry. The vampire found us, and he took my cat and threw him out the window. I instantly assumed he was dead, even though the drop was, like, four feet. The vampire tried lunging for me, but all the powers of my dead family suddenly came to me. I pushed him back with force that even the most accomplished mage could never muster. I was eight. Did I mention that?

"The vampire was knocked unconscious by my strangely colored necromancy shadows. I ran through the house, only stopping to look at the bloody and mangled corpses of my family. I probably should have cried my eyes out like any normal eight year old, but I rummaged through their pockets and took their jewelry and put the necromancy in my brother's bracelet. Suddenly, I heard coughing. I turned and saw my mother was still barely alive. I should have been crying here. But, again, I wasn't.

"'Child, come here,' mother had said.

'What is it?' I asked her quietly.

'Take these rings…' she muttered tiredly and thrust the rainbow rings at me.

'I will, Mother…I will,' I sobbed into her bloody shoulder. And she took her last breath."

Tambrey Amiya Keiko waited a moment to see if Valkyrie and Fletcher would need a tissue, but they just seemed to be staring at her intently. Well, she _did_ have an amazing voice. It made sense for them to be enraptured within her past.

"After I ran away from home, I developed my powers incredibly quickly and without the help of any mages. I traveled around Europe, and no one ever suspected why an eight year old girl was just wandering around. When I was twelve, and I was hanging around in a _club_, someone approached me. They told me that I was pretty that I should go home with them. I rejected their offer, since they were gross and didn't deserve my presence. I found later that the man was the VAMPIRE WHO ATTACKED MY FAMILY!1!11"

Again, she paused and waited for the comforting pats on her shoulder.

They never came.

"So, I spent decades searching for this guy, and I finally found him. He recognized me as the pretty girl, but also the really powerful eight year old, and that doesn't really make much sense, but whatever. We fought, and though I have immense power, he still beat me. He bit me, and I turned into a vampire. Though miraculously, I'm able to control my powers. I don't _have_ to shed my skin, and when I want to, I can just choose whenever. It doesn't have to be at night. I also don't want to drink blood since it would go against my morals and stuff."

Tambrey Amiya Keiko took another breath to keep talking, but Valkyrie stopped her. "Yeah, that was absolutely fascinating."

"Definitely," Fletcher agreed, sending Valkyrie a strange look. So Fletcher _did_ like her, and not Valkyrie! Oh, she _totally_ called it. He must have been looking at Valkyrie like that because he didn't know how to tell her he loved Tambrey Amiya Keiko. He didn't want to break her heart or anything.

Tambrey Amiya Keiko stood up suddenly when they heard knocking at the door. "I could hear them coming up the walkway," she explained quickly.

Valkyrie rose her eyebrows and nodded unsurely. "That's cool…"

There was a silence as she looked from Fletcher to Tambrey Amiya Keiko to the entryway. She finally sped off towards the door, leaving Fletcher and Tambrey Amiya Keiko alone together.

"So…Fletcher."

He looked up, a bit of disgust on his face. "Yeah?"

"How long have you been with Valkyrie?"

"A little over a year," he replied happily, pushing his hair back and crossing his arms.

"You guys seem happy together," she whispered huskily. "But is it enough?"

Fletcher opened his mouth to say something, but that minute Valkyrie half ran into the room, with Tanith and Ghastly behind her.

"Skulduggery said he wanted them here to help us if…anything goes wrong," Valkyrie explained. "You know, in case we go on a murderous spree because someone won't shut up…"

Tambrey Amiya Keiko stood up, her mouth open, ignoring Valkyrie's words and Fletcher's sniggering. She wandered over to Tanith and held out a hand to her face.

"Uh, hi," Tanith said.

"It's you," Tambrey Amiya Keiko whispered. "It's actually you. I thought that you had been killed!"

Tanith frowned. "I've come pretty close…I guess."

"I can't believe it's you!" Tambrey Amiya Keiko shouted suddenly, throwing her _super incredibly _strong arms around Tanith. Tanith moaned and shouted for Tambrey Amiya Keiko to get off of her, but she wouldn't budge. Eventually, Ghastly and Valkyrie had to pry Tanith and Tambrey Amiya Keiko away from each other.

"What was that for?" Tanith shouted, clearly disgusted.

Tambrey Amiya Keiko wiped away another single tear. "Y-Y-Y-You're my…sister," she whispered.

Tanith screamed in horror.

* * *

Oooh my gosh you guys! WHAT A TWIST.


	93. Found Out

**Spoilers for Dark Days…In case you haven't read that or something…

* * *

**

China Sorrows sat peacefully in a cushioned armchair, sipping tea and staring at a book on the table near her. The library was quiet, like always. She _liked_ it quiet. And then, _naturally_, there was a loud crash and a clang, like someone had just barged down the door.

"Don't tell me what do, Valkyrie!" someone shouted.

China froze. _Skulduggery_. He would _never _use that tone with her…He loved her too much. China flattened out her skirt and shirt and stepped out of her apartment area, easily slipping into the library.

"China Sorrows, get out here," Skulduggery commanded loudly. China heard Valkyrie yell in shock as there was another crash.

"Skulduggery, calm down!" Ghastly shouted. Tanith and Fletcher shrieked in surprise as something crashed over in a corner.

"Don't touch her!" Fletcher said loudly.

China sighed. He brought the whole crew along with his temper tantrums.

"What is it, Skulduggery?" China asked soothingly, appearing from behind a bookcase. She watched in shock as Valkyrie lunged at Skulduggery, but he shook her off and charged towards _her_. China, too much in shock, couldn't block his hands wrapping around her throat.

"You…You dirty, lying, cheating…"

China gasped for air, trying to form words, but Skulduggery's grip was too tight.

"Skulduggery you'll kill her!" Valkyrie shouted, rubbing her head from where it collided with the floor.

"Good," he said darkly.

"Get off of her!" Ghastly bellowed, walking up to his friend and hoisting him away from China. The librarian fell to the floor in pain and agony, clutching her bruised neck. She coughed and wheezed, gradually regaining breath.

There was a silence around the room.

The mages that had been there had cleared out of the library, definitely not wanting to be caught up with something like this.

"What…What was that for?" China demanded, staggering up. She leaned against a bookcase, holding her head tenderly.

Skulduggery didn't answer for a while. He merely stood there, breathing deeply, his eye sockets glaring straight at her, like he was trying to burn a hole through her skull.

"You terrible woman," he whispered. He took a step closer and stood to her level. "You killed them."

China sucked in a shocked breath, causing her to hack and cough, which _was_ quite undignified for her.

"You. Killed. My. Family."

"I didn't kill them," she managed to mutter. "I just…set the trap."

"You got _me_ killed."

"Now that wasn't apart of my plan," China said.

Skulduggery roared with fury, raising a hand and slapping China across the face. She stumbled back, tripping over her heels.

"Serpine offered me…something!" China cried out desperately as Skulduggery began walking away. "I couldn't turn down the offer, and besides, we're we really friends at that time?"

"Have we ever been friends?"

China almost answered, but she cast her gaze down to the floor, which was very uncharacteristic of her. "I couldn't stand that woman you married, and that child was just proof of the fact that you loved _her_ more than I. How was I supposed to react when every single man I had come across had fallen head over heels in love with me? You loved me. You loved me so much, but you knew that you loved _her_ much more. It was preposterous in my mind's eye that you'd pick someone else over me."

Skulduggery turned back to her and cocked his head. "Have you ever thought of anyone else besides yourself?" he asked. It wasn't angry, but he sounded genuinely curious. Before China could get an answer out, Skulduggery turned and silently left the library. Everyone stared at her, processing what had just happened. Fletcher left first; Valkyrie behind him; Tanith and Ghastly walking hand and hand last.

China took a deep breath and fixed her hair, adjusted her shirt, picked up the books that had fallen, and proceeded like nothing had happened. That's just how life worked for her.

* * *

Yeah, whatever. Everyone keeps hassling me to upppppdate!~

I, er, _hope_ you like it and thanks for reading! Sorry for any mistakes! :D


	94. Dreaming of You

Based on **Buffy the Vampire Slayer **episode 4 of season 5. At least the very end.

**Er, slight sexual themes?

* * *

**

The door leading to Billy-Ray Sanguine's apartment door was suddenly knocked down. He moaned and got up from the couch he was lying on. Naturally, he had been lying there with his shirt off. He stood in the hallway and sighed when he noticed that none other than Valkyrie Cain was standing in the doorway, looking murderous.

"I hate you so much," she said.

"What a good opener!" Sanguine said joyfully, raising his hands happily.

"I should really just _kill_ you right here right now."

Sanguine frowned. "That wouldn't be nice."

"Oh shut up with the pointless banter and let me stab you already."

Sanguine huffed angrily, but then stood still, his arms spread wide. "Fine," he said, resolved. "You want me dead? Okay, fine. That works _fine _with me. I don't want to live here anymore. No matter where the _hell_ I go, you'll always be _right there_, constantly threatenin' me with a painful death, and I won't even be able to lay a hand on you! I want a different life. I don't want _you_ in it."

Valkyrie snarled and stepped closer, brandishing a dagger. She raised it and lowered it slowly to Sanguine's chest, the cold tip against his warm skin. Valkyrie suddenly dropped the weapon the shaggy carpet and threw her arms around the Texan, kissing him fiercely.

Sanguine responded quickly, barely registering that this was _not_ him being killed. He pulled Valkyrie in closer, feeling her slim and muscular body up against his own. Her hands splayed against his back and she slowly raised her legs to wrap around his waist. He held onto her by her rear, stumbling over to a wall and slamming her against it roughly. They broke apart for air, both staring deeply into each other's eyes.

"This is crazy," Sanguine whispered.

"No one will know," Valkyrie responded.

Sanguine grinned wickedly, reaching to unbutton her coat. He threw the coat on the ground in a heap, and then began raising her shirt above her head. Slowly and slowly it came up, revealing inch after inch of skin. The temptation…The wait…The anticipation…It was killing him. Finally, the shirt had reached her bra. Only a little bit more…More…More…!

Billy-Ray Sanguine woke up suddenly, heaving and sweating profusely. "Oh dear God, not again," he moaned, falling against his pillows, cursing his undying love for Valkyrie Cain.

* * *

Yeah, I don't know.

Whatever.

Hope you liked, thanks for reading, and sorry for mistakes! :D


	95. You Suck

**YayForMagicDetectivesAndStuff **and I were talking about how dumb, oblivious, and lame boys are. And as a result of that, here is this.

Yeeep.

I am sick, tired, busy, bored, and more. Don't expect much from me in the upcoming weeks. STUPID LIFE.

So to all of you Valduggery worshippers: TAKE YOUR DANG VALDUGGERY. This was written especially for all you guys who are pressuring me to write Valduggery. I hope you're happy~

Ugh, also, a friend of mine thinks that Caelan is better than Fletcher. I think we should all go to his house and kick him in the crotch, while **Tara** rips out his retinas and burns them.

:D

**And, uh, Valkyrie's older here. Duh.

* * *

**

Valkyrie Cain angrily sat down in a chair across from Skulduggery Pleasant. She sighed and huffed loudly, constantly switching her position.

"Having some trouble there?" Skulduggery asked her nonchalantly, not turning his skull, with façade, to look at her.

"You suck," Valkyrie stated, jabbing a finger in his direction.

"Me?" he wondered, turning to look at her. Today his eyes were a chocolate brown, and his hair was a honey color. He didn't like being blonde.

"I practically spell out the fact that I have been hopelessly in love with you for years," Valkyrie explained, "and you have completely ignored everything I've said. So, yes, you _suck_."

Skulduggery nodded and began staring at the floor. He didn't move at all.

"Oh God," she groaned, getting up and heading for the door.

Skulduggery shot out his hand and gripped her wrist tightly. "Would it make you less mad if I told you that I _have_ gotten every single hint that you've dropped but just decided not to mention it because a romantic relationship between us would be a terrible idea? Also, I sort of, kind of love you by a lot?"

"Why would it be terrible?" Valkyrie demanded.

"Everyone would think it would be weird," he said calmly.

"Well who cares? We're both pretty weird by ourselves – you especially – so why not just be weird together?"

Skulduggery shrugged and released his tight hold on Valkyrie's wrist. He crossed his arms and legs and looked up at Valkyrie, his eyes wide, though not completely focused. He stared at her until she was thoroughly creeped out.

"I've thought about it," she mumbled, avoiding his gaze. "It would be so amazing, and you and I could still fight all the time because we'd just be a bickering couple instead of bickering partners. And then Tanith would get off of my back about romance and crap."

"I think Kenspeckle would have to murder me," Skulduggery said. "And…it would be wrong. I'm just made of bones, and I'm probably not very comfortable to lean up against, and I'm _sure_ kissing me would just be abso-"

Valkyrie swooped down that instant, giving him a quick peck on the lips. Skulduggery stared at her in shock, but finally smiled after a minute.

"Alright, perhaps we could _try_ this relationship thing," he grinned, getting up, snaking his arms around Valkyrie's waist and dipping her into a kiss.

* * *

Short, but I actually kinda like this. I admit, I guess I kinda missed Valduggery…XD

Whatever. Everything I churn out is kinda crap to me, but you guys are all "OH EM GEE THAT WUZ SOOO KEWL!11!1"

I hope you liked it and thanks for reading! :D


	96. Stupid Songs

Valkyrie Cain shifted forward suddenly, shutting off the radio to the Bentley. She huffed angrily and sat back in her seat.

"What was wrong with that particular song?" Skulduggery Pleasant asked lightly, turning the radio back on, giving the song a listen. It had a slight country sound to it, with a loud female voice singing about crying and love and something ridiculous like that.

"It's about Romeo and Juliet," Valkyrie grumbled. "This girl thinks that their love story is just _so_ perfect and marvelous and all that awful stuff."

"Well…despite the odds they fell in love and got married," Skulduggery replied.

"But they _die_ in the end!" Valkyrie protested, throwing her hands in the air. "I don't want to compare my love life to them."

"Well they died because they killed themselves; it doesn't matter that they died, they were together at least."

"I never figured you as the romantic type, Skulduggery."

He looked at her a moment, smiling suavely. "I have a good way with words, yes?"

Valkyrie shuddered, but suddenly stopped as the awful romantic song ended and another came on. A female voice began…moaning as the obnoxious beat came on loudly. The voice started singing about love and baby, baby, baby.

"Oh, she has a nice voice," Skulduggery said.

"That's a guy."

* * *

Why does America get the stupid artists and everyone else gets the really cool ones? I suffered greatly while writing this. I had to listen to _two_ songs that I HATE, so be happy. I switched on the Brandon Flowers immediately afterward, so it was alright.

Alright, guess the songs I used and the artists. I tried to make it obvious, without straight-forward saying who the song was by :3

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	97. If Ever I Would Leave You

Skulduggery Pleasant breathed in the scent of Valkyrie Cain's soft hair. He hugged her from behind, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

"You have to go," she whispered.

He merely grunted.

_If ever I would leave you_  
_It wouldn't be in summer._  
_Seeing you in summer I never would go._  
_Your hair streaked with sun-light,_  
_Your lips red as flame,_  
_Your face with a luster_  
_that puts gold to shame!_

"I don't want to leave you," he muttered. "It's physically impossible for me to do so. I fear I might die without you. You're far too gorgeous."

Valkyrie laughed, turning to face her lover.

_But if I'd ever leave you,_  
_It couldn't be in autumn._  
_How I'd leave in autumn I never will know._  
_I've seen how you sparkle_  
_When fall nips the air._  
_I know you in autumn_  
_And I must be there._

"You know you have to go," she said, suddenly turning serious.

"I suggest we just stay and fight."

"I'm going to stay and fight; you're going to go into hiding."

"I hate that word. Hiding. It's insulting. Especially for a manly man like me."

"Well that's what you're doing: hiding. This will all pass, and before you know it, it'll all be over."

"What if it doesn't end? What if this lasts through hundreds of years?"

_And could I leave you_  
_running merrily through the snow?_  
_Or on a wintry evening_  
_when you catch the fire's glow?_

"What if I never see you again?" he continued. "I won't see you grow up. I won't see you in shorts ever again."

"Pervert. And besides, do you think they'll really search for you for hundreds of years?"

"I won't see you in puffy coats with snow in your hair," Skulduggery kept saying, ignoring what Valkyrie was saying. "I won't see your cheeks and nose all pink and rosy."

_If ever I would leave you,_  
_How could it be in spring-time?_  
_Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?_  
_Oh, no! Not in spring-time!_  
_Summer, winter or fall!_  
_No, never could I leave you at all!_

"I won't leave you," Skulduggery said firmly. "I'm staying here with you, no matter the consequences."

"The Sanctuary will find you, and they'll kill you."

"How can they kill a skeleton? More importantly, I'm far too amazing to be killed."

"They'll find a way to kill you. It will be brutally painful."

"But if I go into hiding, they'll use you. They'll get to me through you."

"We'll just have to take that chance," Valkyrie said, resolved.

_If ever I would leave you,_  
_How could it be in spring-time?_  
_Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?_

"I'm not taking that chance, though. You're beautiful and just can't be killed or hurt because of me. I won't allow it."

_Oh, no! Not in spring-time!_  
_Summer, winter or fall!_

Valkyrie sighed, knowing that Skulduggery had his mind set on this. "I hope you know what you're doing."

Skulduggery nodded, hugging Valkyrie tighter. "I don't. I have no idea. But you'll be there with me, right?"

"Every step of the way."

_No, never could I leave you at all!

* * *

_

Haa, I kinda like this. I think it gets kind of repetitive, but whatevs~ 

So anyway, I'm going through a musical-obsessed phase. I'm big on musicals, with my favorites being **Guys and Dolls, The Sound of Music, The Music Man, **and **Camelot. **This song used is from **Camelot**, and it's called **If Ever I Would Leave You**. I wrote this with the broadway version specifically in mind, mostly because it's the version I have, and because it's so much more powerful than the one in the movie. I'd highly suggest listening to it because it's just _so_ amazing and loud and great :)

Anyways, thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	98. Green With Envy, Red With Embarrassment

HA! I have successfully converted someone else to Skulduggeryism. It is _glorious_. She's only on the second book, but she just LOVES it.

Also new obsession: **Inuyasha**. Any watchers? My sister watched it when she was my age, but I was pretty young, so I didn't ever get to watch it with her. The whole dang series is on Hulu and it's simply marvelous :)

So, anyway, I was kinda thinking about Valduggery and weird stuff. I was flipping through my first SP book after this friend of mine gave it back to me, and I read that cute part where they're all in the warehouse and Tanith and Valkyrie are all giggly. SO. Tanith says that she has an older brother that she loves a lot…and, uh, I got the idea…

* * *

Ghastly Bespoke absolutely seethed with jealousy.

He never found himself to be the jealous type. He tended to brag slightly around Skulduggery when Valkyrie kept hanging around Fletcher about he would never be jealous if Tanith were to do that.

But the fact that this handsome and dashing young man swept her away from him just _infuriated_ him. Today, right when Tanith was supposed to come over so they could go out on a date, she came over, yes, but brought along this new guy with her. He kept sitting on her motorcycle as she went in Ghastly's place to ask if it was alright if they canceled.

Ghastly, being a gentleman, instantly agreed with it. Tanith smiled and hugged and kissed him, but then bounded out the shop and back onto her motorcycle. The handsome man gave an appreciative wave to Ghastly, and he waved back, just to be polite.

However, on the inside he just wanted to punch this guy.

Ghastly wasn't worried that Tanith would cheat on him, no. He was just…jealous that she had picked this far handsomer guy over him.

Suddenly, the loud roar of Tanith's motorcycle was heard. Ghastly could tell she was driving toward his place, and driving dangerously at that. He looked to his front window to find the motorcycle pulling up to the curb. Tanith swung her legs around the vehicle, and the man did the same. He removed the helmet he was wearing and Ghastly scowled at just how good-looking he was. Tanith and the guy entered the shop, and Ghastly instantly smiled.

"Hey there!" Tanith greeted him, kissing his cheek softly.

"I really am sorry I stole her away from you," the mysterious guy said. He had a British accent.

"It's nothing," Ghastly replied nicely.

"I'm hungry," Tanith announced. "Do you guys want anything?"

"Tanith, we just ate!" the man exclaimed, laughing.

She merely shrugged and bounded back into the kitchen.

Ghastly and the man stood around, awkwardly.

"I'm Kai Luciano," the man said stretching out his hand. "You're the Great Ghastly Bespoke, yeah?"

"Tanith seems to be over-selling me," Ghastly said good-naturedly, shaking Kai's hand.

Kai laughed. "She also tells about the Great Valkyrie Cain and Skulduggery Pleasant. And then there's the, uh, Stupid Fletcher Renn."

"That sums up our group, actually," Ghastly said. "Fletcher Renn is pretty stupid."

"He's the last teleporter, right?"

"Yeah. Now he feels high and mighty because of it."

Kai laughed. Ghastly didn't like his laugh.

"So," Ghastly said lowly, "how did you two meet?"

Kai gave him a bewildered stare, with his head tilted to the side. "Oh? She didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

Kai smiled. "I'm Tanith's older brother."

…Oh.

* * *

Haha I don't even know what this iiiiiis.

Eh, I had some fun with it though :)

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! Happy Halloween! :D


	99. Jar of Hearts

Requested by the lovely **PunkPoetryPrincess** :)

* * *

_No I can't take one more step towards you, cause all that's waiting is regret_  
_And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore, you lost the love I loved the most_  
_I've learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time_

"I have work to do," Skulduggery Pleasant sighed, staring to the side.

Valkyrie Cain frowned. She looked at him with her dark and deep eyes, trying to entice him. But he knew it. He knew what she was doing, and he wasn't going to fall for it.

Not again.

_And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?_

"What work could you possibly have to do?" Valkyrie asked coldly. "Ghastly told me you just sit around all day."

"I thought I told you never to speak to Ghastly or anyone else ever again."

"Yeah, you told me, but I never said I'd do that."

"Do you think you're high and mighty because you're the official Death Bringer? Is that what caused all of this?"

_I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found  
But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms  
I've learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time_

Valkyrie took a step forward.

"Get away from me, Valkyrie."

"I was expecting you to use my last name. Like, when I'm angry with you. That's what I do. When I'm angry with you. I used to get angry with you all the time."

"Well it won't happen again."

_And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?_

"Why do you say that?" Valkyrie asked.

"Because I'm leaving. I'm leaving for good. Don't even try and find me."

The whites of Valkyrie's eyes suddenly went black. Her shadows seeped from her body and curled around Skulduggery menacingly. "I could kill you like I kill spiders," she said. "I could kill you in one strike. Don't cross me like that. Don't command me like that, either."

_It took so long just to feel all right, remember how to put back the light in my eyes  
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, cause you broke all your promises  
And now you're back, you're looking to get me back_

"It's over, Valkyrie," Skulduggery suddenly said softly. "I'm hurt, all because of you. I just want to leave and live peacefully."

"You aren't living, you idiot."

Skulduggery looked at her, and though he had no eyes, it was a sad look.

_And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars_  
_Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart_  
_You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul_  
_So don't come back for me, don't come back at all_

"How many people have you killed? How many of those people aren't living? Did you kill Tanith? Hmm? Fletcher, even? How's your brother?"

Valkyrie's shadows sharpened swiftly and slithered towards Skulduggery. "Shut. Up."

"Maybe you should have just left me alone," he sighed. "I would be gone by now, and you and Solomon could continue just killing people left and right. I would be out of your hair."

_And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars_  
_Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart_  
_You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul_  
_Don't come back for me, don't come back at all_

"Why do you have to be like this, Valkyrie?"

_Who do you think you are?_  
_Who do you think you are?_  
_Who do you think you are?_

And just like she said, Valkyrie Cain killed Skulduggery Pleasant in one strike.

* * *

Uhm. I, uh, really like this actually. Maybe it's kind of wrong to say you like your own writings/work, but I kinda like this. Haha, look at me! Stopping right before the 100th because I don't have the 100th chapter prepared yet! XD

Tell me what you think, please. The song is called **Jar of Hearts** by **Christina Perri**.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :D


	100. Nothing Special About This Chapter

Wow.

Wow.

Wooooow.

Alright.

I'm just going to take the time to say that you are the greatest people I have met. Really, you don't know how much you mean to me. Like, my freakin' life revolves around fanfiction and reading it and you guys. I've made so many great friends here, and you're all SO nice. I really just love you all. I just can't thank you enough for all of your kind words, encouragement, requests, critiques, and _love_. (Haha sap!NerdySkeleton is funny.)

I've been kind of thinking about what I could do for the 100th chapter/upload/drabble/whatever you wanna call it. I kinda thought about going through and naming everyone who ever reviewed, but then I realized that'd be the most painful thing EVER, so nevermind about that.

Really guys. Do you even remotely know how much I love you?

(I guess this idea is kind of cliché, but it's silly and I'm allowed clichés and silliness, right?)

* * *

A young girl, with blue eyes and dark brown hair that went down to her chest, sat on a green couch in her living room. Sitting around her were book characters.

"Guys, what am I supposed to do for the hundredth chapter?" NerdySkeleton asked for the zillionth time. "I keep trying to write it out, but then it sucks, and then I'm sad."

Fletcher glared at her. "Maybe you should write something where you don't kill one of us off."

"Or stop with that ridiculous 'Valduggery' thing," Skulduggery grumbled. "She's like a daughter to me! Why would I have a child with her?"

"Are you saying you'd never want to reproduce with Valkyrie?" Tanith asked, pointing a finger at him menacingly.

"No, I would never want to reproduce with her, Tanith. How are you…even here anyway?"

Tanith shrugged. "For Nerdy's sake, almost everything sad that happens in the books doesn't happen in her writing world."

"Yeah, how weird," Kenspeckle mumbled.

"Maybe you could do…something where we're all fighting a bad guy," Ghastly suggested, trying to be helpful.

NerdySkeleton shrugged. "Eh. I just want…something super special awesome, you know what I mean?"

Ghastly frowned. "I don't," he said.

NerdySkeleton's cat wandered in, and he did his little meow thing, and then went to scratch his cardboard box o' love. Valkyrie watched the cat.

"Maybe do a party thing," she said. "I don't know what we'd be celebrating though…"

"The fact that I reached 100 chapters?"

"That sounds narcissist," Skulduggery said.

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Ego," Valkyrie replied.

He grunted and crossed his arms. "Also, who in the world would make me a _pill_ that would make me human? Who would ever want to do that, and why in the world would you think that up?"

"Oh, I think I'm getting an idea where YOU DIE, SKULDUGGERY," NerdySkeleton replied, glaring at him. Secretly, she had to agree that that pill thing was a pretty stupid idea.

He frowned, but said nothing more.

"How did I get here?" China Sorrows asked, looking around the small room. She noticed the fireplace with the dead bug sitting on the mantle beside it. In the spider-web covered corner were boxes of DVDs that NerdySkeleton's mom took upon herself to reorganize like there was no tomorrow. The author's father left his laptop on a side table, which the cat sometimes climbed up on.

"Guys!" NerdySkeleton shouted. "We need to focus!"

"We really don't have to do anything," Fletcher said triumphantly. "You just all forced us here to help you think of ideas. We're all here against our wills."

"Actually, I've always wanted to run around in America," Tanith mumbled.

"Back me up here!" Fletcher said.

"Agreed," Valkyrie replied. "But this is still kind of fun. And besides, if you ever post something to make us mad, we know where to find you."

NerdySkeleton bit her lip. "Oh. Uh well then-"

"Like, why would I not know what a condom was?" Skulduggery announced. "I'm not an idiot. And why did you give me a stupid half-sister? What was the _point_?"

"Shut up! She was fun!"

"And I'm not afraid of spiders," Valkyrie said. "Nor am I going to become evil and murder everyone. Skulduggery won't either. Also, I won't become a vampire, and I won't fall in love with Sanguine. Okay, that's gross. I nearly gagged."

"And she won't fall in love with Solomon Wreath either!" Fletcher added.

NerdySkeleton. "Hey, it's called 'fanfiction' for a reason, guys. I can write whatever the heck I want. I could write about…how Fletcher proposes to Valkyrie!"

"You did that already," he said. "That was cute. I'll give you that."

NerdySkeleton beamed. "Why thank you. I had fun with that one."

"Ghastly, would you actually get jealous if I was with another guy like that?" Tanith asked softly.

He blushed heavily. "No, no way. I'm far too, uh…Yeah, I'd get so jealous."

Tanith laughed and hugged him. "Well it's cute, so don't stop."

They all smiled at their romance, with NerdySkeleton 'aww'ing loudly. Her cat wandered back in, flopped around on the carpet, and then left. Surprise there.

"Guys," NerdySkeleton suddenly groaned, "I need to get chapter 100 up soon. I'm all out of ideas, and it's seriously pissing me off. Maybe I could torture Caelan in the 100th…"

"No!" Valkyrie said, defending him.

"Yes!" Skulduggery and Fletcher chorused, preferring to see the vampire die.

NerdySkeleton smiled and nodded. "Okay, will do!"

She got up and bolted upstairs to her computer. The group downstairs sat around quietly. A few minutes later, NerdySkeleton returned.

"Nevermind," she said. "I can't think of anything. Besides my fingers are too cold to type anything. They're like…NerdySkeleton Popsicles…"

"I just remembered," China said loudly, "I didn't kill Skulduggery's family. I didn't set them up in Serpine's trap or anything…Nope, I most certainly didn't…Oh, look a book!"

She bent down and picked up a thick technical book that NerdySkeleton's dad would read.

"Why did you make the one where Valkyrie and Skulduggery were texting like _that_ number 69? Do you have a message to share with the readers?" Tanith asked, wiggling her eyebrows and giggling.

NerdySkeleton opened her mouth in horror. "No, it just ended up that way…"

"I don't have an orange fetish," Skulduggery grumbled.

"I never said you did. _You_ said you did."

Skulduggery grunted.

"Guys, the fact that you keep complaining about what I write means that you at least read it, right?" NerdySkeleton asked cheekily, smirking.

The whole group began stuttering loudly, everyone trying to string together a full and coherent sentence.

"Well _yeah_," Valkyrie said. "I mean…it's almost 100 little stories about us. _Of course_ we're going to read them. We read all of that stuff there. Even the creepy M rated stuff…"

Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked at each other and shuddered violently, thinking of the M rated stories…NerdySkeleton shuddered, too.

Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling sound. It was the garage door opening.

"Shoot!" NerdySkeleton moaned. "My mom is home. You guys have to go!"

"Ugh, fine," Fletcher sighed, stretching his arms out for everyone to grab on. NerdySkeleton watched them all teleport before her eyes.

Inwardly, she groaned. She still didn't have anything to write for the 100th chapter!

* * *

Heeee this was a whole ton of fun. I wrote it pretty fast, but I'm liking it.

So, just again. Thank you ALL for sticking with me when I went on those pointlessly long breaks where I couldn't bring myself to write down a single word. I remember the very beginning…when I was an epic fail XD But really. You guys, I guess, have kind of changed my life. I've met so many GREAT people here, and I've become good friends with a lot of you.

You guys are all so immensely sweet. I just…LOVE YOOOOOU~

Thanks so much for reading this and all those others ones! Sorry for any mistakes! :DDDDDDDDDDD


	101. A Fondness

Oh, how I love you.

The way your eyes…the way they glisten as you fight.

You're absolutely magnificent. I'm so grateful that I'm your partner.

I look up to you, really. I love to ask you silly questions just to hear your smooth and suave voice; it makes my knees go weak.

Oh, how I love you.

Your hair. It's knotted almost all the time. I only want to run my fingers through it. I want to caress your face and breath in your scent.

But…I don't know how to make you notice me. What am I doing wrong? Do I need a different attitude? Should I just hope and wait that you'll see me in this light and love me as I love you? Why don't you love me?

I _love _you. I absolutely adore you. You're the greatest person I've ever met, and I owe my life to you. You've saved me from death; I've saved you from death. We're…matched. We're perfect equals, but you sometimes look down on me.

But that's alright.

I know that I, Thrasher, will love you forever, Master Scapegrace.

* * *

COME ON.

YOU KNOW THRASHER IS IN LOVE WITH SCAPEGRACE.

IT'LL BE CANON SOMEDAY, I TOTALLY KNOW IT.

Also, I'm in this mood where all I want to do is write sappy and pointless Valduggery...Any suggestions for me to get me writing again?

Aaand, my friend, **Tara** got an account (**CheekyBrunette**) and we're planning to post something there soon... :)

Thanks for reading! :D


	102. An Awkward Situation

Vaurien Scapegrace realized what situation he was in.

He, Master, Almighty, and King Zombie held an adult and very powerful Valkyrie Cain by her waist, with a knife to her neck. She was squirmed, but a little more pressure on her neck ceased that. Skulduggery Pleasant stood across from them, trying to figure out what to do.

"I…I've never been in a place like this…" Scapegrace muttered. He almost relaxed his grip for he had no idea what to do, but he stopped himself when a brilliant idea came to him. "Uh…Pleasant!" he called out to the skeleton. "I'll give you the choice of you taking her place or she dying!"

Valkyrie snorted. "Oh, but we've become such good friends over the years, Scapegrace! You couldn't kill me!"

"Oh yes I could!" He held her waist tighter, pressing on some bruises, and Valkyrie whimpered. "So what will it be?" Scapegrace asked loudly. "Do you want to see your lover die? Are you courageous enough to take her place?"

Skulduggery didn't answer.

"Uh…Skulduggery?" Valkyrie asked. Surely he would take her place to fake out Scapegrace…

"No, you go ahead," he finally said happily.

"WHAT?" Valkyrie shrieked.

"I mean, I'm a skeleton. How can you kill _me_?"

Scapegrace shrugged. "I thought it would just be dramatic. Anyway, I guess I'll just kill you then…"

Valkyrie's eyes were wide and glaring at Skulduggery. "What are you even-"

"Please be brave for me," Skulduggery said quietly.

Valkyrie squinted hard at him, trying to figure it out.

"I'm sorry to see you go like this."

"Oh yeah?" Valkyrie shouted, catching on a bit. "You're not sorry about anything, you heartless jerk!"

"Valkyrie please-"

"NO!" she screamed, scaring Scapegrace. "I can't believe I could ever fall for your tricks! I should have listened to Tanith when she told me this wouldn't work out. And I thought that Kenspeckle was wrong; I thought you _could_ change your Casanova ways!"

"I lo-"

"Please don't," Valkyrie said, suddenly quiet. "I don't want my last memory of you pleading. I just want to think of that one special night where we-"

"OKAY!" Scapegrace said suddenly. "I've obviously started up something bad. I'll just…go…"

He released Valkyrie and watched her run up and slap Skulduggery across the jaw. He began to hear her shouting again and high tailed it out of there.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie watched him scurry off, and they both smiled.

"Considered going into acting?" Skulduggery asked jokingly. "Anyone would hire you with that pretty face."

Valkyrie laughed and hugged him. "Poor Scapegrace. He'll never be able to get us."

Skulduggery laughed too. "First one to catch him doesn't have to pay for gas?"

"Deal!"

* * *

Blargh, I wanted this to be better than what it turned out. Too dang bad I really like the idea...Ugh. Whatever. Okay, so it's Thanksgiving (Happy Thanksgiving, Americans!) here and I'll be away for two and a half days, or so. I wanted to get this uploaded so I could let you all know that. (And also I want the e-mails when I come back :3)

So yeah. Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	103. Brain Bleach

Dedicated to **Mademise Morte** because she's really awesome and makes me smile. She said that seeing this particular pairing would make her day :)

* * *

"Why do you hate me?" Valkyrie Cain asked loudly, crossing her arms.

"I do not hate you," Skulduggery Pleasant replied.

"Well why do you drag me along to these meetings with Guild and Crux?"

"Because I can't live through a meeting with the two of them. Also, I like making you suffer. Suffering is good for a young girl like you."

"I'm sixteen."

"Young in my books."

"Yeah, because you're as old as the dinosaurs."

Skulduggery stopped walking and glared at Valkyrie. "I have a mean retort, but since I am a gentlemen, I shall not say it. See how nice I am? Goodness, I should get an award for being so nice."

"I'll get Fletcher to steal one for you," Valkyrie said.

"Why would he need to steal one? I _earned_ it," Skulduggery replied, giving her an eye roll with his façade eyes.

Valkyrie laughed but then suddenly stopped. "We're here," she said lowly.

They both looked at each other. Valkyrie glared. Skulduggery sighed.

"I'll buy you ice cream," he muttered. "Oh, I'll give Fletcher money so you can go get ice cream with him - _ooh_!"

Valkyrie frowned and hit Skulduggery's arm. "Shush," she mumbled. "Give me twenty."

Skulduggery held up a finger. "After the meeting," he said triumphantly.

Valkyrie glared but didn't say anything. She placed her hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly. She entered first, and Skulduggery stepped in right beside her.

"Hello there Gr-" Skulduggery said but stopped short. He cast a quick glance to Valkyrie and silently assured himself from her facial expression that he _was_ indeed seeing Remus Crux sitting on Thurid Guild's lap. Their hair was ruffled and Crux's face was red.

Valkyrie's face twitched as she backed up against the wall. "I think I'm going to die," she mumbled.

Skulduggery nodded. "Agreed." He opened the door slowly and let Valkyrie bolt out first. He shut the door, staring at Guild and Crux with one harsh eye. The partners slowly trekked back to the Bentley.

Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery. "Do you have any brain bleach?"

* * *

Excuse me as I go cry because I can't get that mental image out of my mind...

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! Virtual love for **Mademise Morte **:DD


	104. Black

I don't know how I got this idea, but I really like it. It's depressing and cliché, but that's okay! :D

* * *

Black was by far Valkyrie Cain's favorite color.

It was comforting and provided solace for her.

Her black hair was comforting, as it was something that would never change, no matter how many other things did.

Her black clothing was comforting; she had worn those black clothes for quite a large portion of her like, and it was now almost the only color she wore.

Those black eye sockets were comforting…just staring at her…

His black suit was comforting; that suit was his favorite, and he wore it and gave her love in the worst of times.

The black Bentley was comforting; she used to go _everywhere _in it.

Later…

The black veins that spread rapidly on her best friend's face were comforting. They always told her she had someone to look out for her, in a strange way.

The black darkness was comforting, because no one could see the fear or tears on her face.

The black ring was comforting. She always had a weapon on her person.

The black shadows were comforting, knowing they could strike down any enemy at any time.

And then the black gloominess that surrounded her vision as Valkyrie Cain died was the most comforting of all. Now she knew that at least she couldn't cause any more damage in the world than she had already done…


	105. Proposing Fail

Valkyrie Cain knew something was afoot.

What was afoot, she was not sure.

It all started when Skulduggery Pleasant suddenly tripped and began scrambling for words in front of her. Valkyrie could only recall one time when he was at a loss for words; he had never tripped in her presence in the thirty years they had known each other.

So when he began to stumble and over all be a big freak, she had to wonder what was up.

Was it a case? The case they had right now wasn't particularly hard. But maybe Skulduggery felt drained from having to stay up late looking for their culprit. But he didn't sleep!

Well, that ruled out that option.

Perhaps Skulduggery had…fallen out of love with her? Gah, that would have been the worst. And besides, wasn't she mortally wounded a week ago? Didn't he promise he'd never leave?

Oh God, maybe he was breaking that promise! Valkyrie was seriously worried.

Would he _really_ do that?

Skulduggery Pleasant had a huge ego; it's not like he never lied or anything. Did he _ever_ lie to her? Valkyrie couldn't think of any time where he did.

Oh, or maybe he was going to pro…No, that was silly.

Valkyrie Cain sat back in her chair and rubbed her head. She thought it would explode if one more theory as to why Skulduggery was acting so strange entered her mind. Maybe he…Agh, stop it! Stop thinking! Stop it!

"What are you doing?" someone asked.

Valkyrie looked up from where she was banging her head on the table. "Oh hi, Skulduggery."

"Good morning. Feeling all right today?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Maybe your head…hurts from constantly banging it on tables."

Valkyrie stuck her tongue out at him. "My mind was overloading."

"Was my amazing too much for you?" Skulduggery Pleasant asked, giving a laugh and crossing his arms smugly. "I knew it! You're in awe of me."

Valkyrie sighed and began to get up.

"Oh, don't go," Skulduggery said, suddenly getting quiet. "I, er…wanted to ask you something…"

Valkyrie immediately sat back down in her chair and leaned in close. "What?" she asked eagerly.

"Well," Skulduggery began, "I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been acting rather strange lately. I keep stuttering and tripping, which is completely uncharacteristic and ungentlemanly of me. But I have a reason for it."

Valkyrie edged closer for a few more centimeters. "Yes?"

Skulduggery took a deep breath. "I was just…uh, wondering if you…would…want to, erm…Oh God!"

"What? What?"

Skulduggery seemed to have a small panic attack in front of her. He took a deep breath and kept clenching and unclenching his fists. "Just marry me!" he yelped so suddenly and so loudly, and he sounded so angry about it that Valkyrie jumped back and stood up. Skulduggery joined her too.

"Well you don't have to be so mad about it!" she responded.

Skulduggery huffed angrily. "Well you're the one who originally voiced the idea!"

"When?"

"Four months ago!" he shouted.

"How am I supposed to remember something from four months ago?"

"You remember things from when you were five!"

"That's different!" Valkyrie said loudly.

"How?"

"Because!"

They were both silent for a moment.

"...Yes," Valkyrie finally said after a minute.

"Hmm? What?" Skulduggery asked.

"I want to marry you."

He just smiled and hugged her.

* * *

Random, and doesn't make a lot of sense, I know. But I didn't want to post that sad chapter and then include a happy author note in it.

So...Sorry for not writing lately. I've just been kind of busy being lazy and weird. I worked really hard and long on my Christmas-fic, so I just wanted a break from that.

ALSO.

I've recently fallen completely in LOVE with the **Professor Layton** series. Has anyone ever played or heard of it? Gosh, I positively LOVE it. I've only played the first game.

BUT.

...

...

...

My birthday's on the 9th :333

...

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	106. Ice Skating

FLUFF. NOTHING BUT FLUFF.

WHAT'S PLOT?

* * *

"Are those what I think those are?" Valkyrie Cain asked, her lip curling at the sight in front of her. "And are we here to do things with those things?"

"If you think these are ice skates, and if you think we are here at a frozen lake to ice skate on, then yes. You are 100% correct," Fletcher Renn replied, smiling.

He had taken Valkyrie and teleported her against her will to northern Canada. Fletcher had been there once on a holiday, and he remembered the frozen lake where his parents had taken him. Fletcher liked coming here all the time to skate or just sit when he was feeling lonely and in one of his depressed the-only-teleporter-left-in-the-world phases.

"Well I can't ice skate, so take me back home," Valkyrie said defiantly, folding her arms.

"No way," he said happily. "Just for a little bit, Valkyrie? I promise we can go somewhere warm after this."

Valkyrie sighed and sat down on the bench by the frozen lake. Fletcher helped her tie her skates and then did his up. He kissed her cheek and hoisted her up from the bench. He led her over to the edge of the frozen lake and gingerly stepped onto the ice. Valkyrie stepped onto the ice as well, biting her lip in concentration. She had never been able to ice skate. Her parents took her once when she was ten, and she just about fell every five minutes. Valkyrie put her other skate on the ice and tried moving, but ended up kind of falling. She shouted in surprise and annoyance, but Fletcher caught her and held her up. He gripped her hands tightly and began to skate backwards slowly, pulling her along.

Valkyrie's legs instantly began moving too, but she felt uneasy on the frozen water, even though she knew Fletcher would be there to catch her in an instant.

"Don't you dare let go of me," she said angrily.

Fletcher smiled. "I wouldn't dream of it," he whispered and changed his position. Fletcher swerved around her and gripped Valkyrie's forearm and intertwined it with his. He laced his gloved fingers through her own and smiled widely. Fletcher kept skating slowly, letting Valkyrie catch up with him awkwardly. Her strides were short and choppy, while his were long and graceful. After about half an hour and a long stretch of comfortable silence, Valkyrie broke it.

"Do you like to ice skate? Do you come here a lot?" she asked.

Fletcher shrugged. "Not all the time. But I sometimes just like to come here when I'm feeling down or something. This place looks really nice in the spring. The grass is green and the trees aren't ugly and naked then."

"I wouldn't object to popping over here for an afternoon when it's warmer," Valkyrie said, biting her lip and smiling.

Fletcher smiled back and cupped her cheek lightly. He made to kiss her, but suddenly Valkyrie's legs gave out from under her, and she went crashing down onto the ice. Fletcher shouted in surprise; he desperately reached for her hand, but Valkyrie just ended up pulling his glove off instead. Valkyrie flopped onto the ice hard and groaned. She sat up and picked the ice from her hair.

"Are you alright?" Fletcher asked, bending down to her and peering into Valkyrie's face.

She laughed. "I'm fine," she said. "Just help me up."

Fletcher clasped her hand in his own and heaved her up. She was lighter than what Fletcher was expecting, and so his extra force pulled Valkyrie off the ice and straight into his chest, which then resulted into them _both _tumbling down to the ice.

"Wow," Fletcher whimpered, not moving from his spot on the cold and hard ice.

"Fail," Valkyrie simply muttered, not moving from her spot on top of Fletcher's coat-covered chest.

"I wish ice was made of pillows," Fletcher mumbled. Valkyrie made a sound that resembled agreement. "Also this did not turn out the way I wanted it to go."

"Why do you say that?"

"I definitely expected we'd be like a cute couple skating and laughing and then it'd be like that one commercial where the one person sucks at ice skating so the other has to catch them and then they whip out a pretty diamond necklace or whatever."

"Well I'd be fine with getting the diamond necklace," Valkyrie joked. "Come on, let's get up. I'm sure the ice isn't warming you."

"Surprisingly, no."

Fletcher sat up. He braced himself against the ice and pushed up with his hands and miraculously managed to stay on his feet and not fall flat on his butt again. He pulled up Valkyrie gently this time, and he guided her back to the little bench.

"I guess for what time we spent here, it was nice," Valkyrie said.

"I'm glad," Fletcher said happily, grinning and removing his skates. He bent down in the snow and helped Valkyrie remove hers. He handed her boots to her so she wouldn't have to walk in the snow to get to them.

"How gentlemanly," she mumbled. Fletcher flashed her another smile and held out his hand for her to take.

"Your transportation awaits you, madam," he said in a very posh voice. "Where would you like to go?"

"Some place that's warm?"

Fletcher nodded and in an instant, they were both standing in Sydney, Australia. Valkyrie smiled and sighed and turned to face Fletcher. "I think this is a better scenario to present a diamond necklace."

He was already holding it in his hand.

* * *

SO.

Say I was thinking of doing a crossover between a fabulously fabulous game and Skulduggery. I barely have any of it planned out, but I have some random and silly scenes written. It's a brand new fandom to be writing for (obviously - SP is the only thing I write for) so I'm sure some of you wouldn't know what it is. I have no plans to most certainly do that...but would that be fun?

Buuut if you think a crossover between a fabulously fabulous game and Skulduggery is lame, I also have "another" story planned out. I began it back in my summer vacation, but never managed to touch it again. That one has been completely planned out. I know where I'll go with it.

So really. Crossover VS. Not Crossover! WHO WILL WIN~

But thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	107. Affairs

"Valkyrie, please don't say it," Caelan cried softly, nuzzling against her neck. "I don't want to hear you say it. Don't."

"This has to stop," Valkyrie said. She tried pulling away, but Caelan gripped her waist tighter and held her in a firm embrace. "Caelan, let go of me please."

"Fletcher hasn't figured it out yet, Valkyrie. He won't. You yourself said he won't."

"Fletcher's dying."

"One less idiot in the world then."

"Caelan!" Valkyrie shouted and forcefully pulled away. She inched away from him, horrified at his words. "How could you say that? I love him."

"Then why have we been seeing each other like this in secret? How far does that love go? I always assumed you were just faking it and really would rather stay with me."

"Caelan, I love you too," she said quietly. "I just…Fletcher's dying!"

"I know; you covered that previously."

"Oh shut up."

They stared at each other in silence.

"Why is Fletcher dying?" Caelan finally asked.

"He got shot in the _lung_. It collapsed, and he can barely breathe at all. I don't know what to do anymore, Caelan."

"Do you want him to die?"

"We're _married_!" Valkyrie shrieked. "What would make you think I'd want him dead?"

Caelan shrugged casually. "Just because of your _secret liaisons_ with me, that's all. Why did you do this? And why did I allow you to corrupt me so?"

"Because you love me."

"I love you, yes," he muttered gently. He stepped towards her and placed a hand on her face and wiped away her tears. "I really do. But…you're right, I guess. Maybe we should stop this."

"Oh, Caelan…"

"It's just for the best, I guess. You'll just have one guy to worry about. And with him, you'll never worry about dying or becoming a vampire, so that's a pro."

"Cae-"

"It's fine," he said and smiled. "I care, and I want you to be happy. If I keep you, and we keep doing this, you won't be happy."

And then suddenly, Valkyrie was on him, furiously kissing him. Caelan stepped back in surprise, but slowly he held her tight and didn't stop or let go until she did. He gnawed at her neck roughly, but never breaking her skin – just scraping his deadly teeth across the surface like he knew she liked. And just as quickly as she came onto him, Valkyrie pulled away and sighed.

"I'd still like to see you," Caelan whispered. "I mean, just as friends. Tell me how life is going. How that lung of Fletcher's is, you know, all that. "

Valkyrie laughed quietly and said, "I will, Caelan."

Caelan released her waist and watched her rush from the small house and into the secluded forest in which he lived. She took a turn, and then Caelan lost sight of her.

* * *

Wait, what?

Why did I write this?

I _hate_ Caelan.

Eh, thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	108. Caelan's Romantic Partner

This is what **CheekyBrunette** and I come up with at lunch…

* * *

Caelan greeted Valkyrie, giving a wave.

"Hello there, Caelan," Valkyrie said. "You seem… cheery today."

He smiled. "I've met my soul mate!"

"Oh, wow. Well that's great! What's her name?"

"Well, Valkyrie, I'd like you to meet my partner," he said, holding up his right hand.

Slowly…

…he licked it.

* * *

GUISE THIS IS SERIOUS.

If you don't get it...well...


	109. Babysittin'

I'm babysitting my piano teacher's baby granddaughter.

Thus, IDEA.

I haven't felt like writing for the longest time. I don't know. Maybe it was the lack of ideas. I have about three stories I could have been working on, but I was just not getting into them. Not even planning them brought me any joy XD

I've also had to do a lot of work for my church. (NerdySkeleton is a Jesus freak, guys!) I've had to read 5 books from the Bible from both the Old and New Testament, and some of them are about 80 pages and it just takes a long time to get through them. Soon, though, I'll be done with that, and I can focus on not doing anything for a while XD

So…here's this.

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant understood.

A baby was difficult to handle, which is why his Valkyrie Cain was stuck at home taking care of the baby boy while her parents went out. He was about five months old now, and there had been a few times when he had seen the little boy. Valkyrie's little brother, Peter, was a pain, she would say, but he was still cute.

So, there Skulduggery Pleasant stood, bored and tired. He was leaning against his precious Bentley, and he couldn't decide if he should go into Valkyrie's house to see her. Valkyrie was responsible; Peter was probably sitting in his little playpen happily. Skulduggery did finally decide to ring the doorbell and see what Valkyrie was up to.

Skulduggery waited a few minutes before the door finally opened. Valkyrie had a tired yet polite smile on her face, but it instantly vanished when she realized it was Skulduggery greeting her.

"What do you want?" she asked, gesturing for him to come inside.

"Admittedly, I'm bored," the skeleton replied and removed his disguise.

Valkyrie laughed. "Oh, you and Peter have so much in common. He seems bored with whatever I throw at him."

"Maybe you shouldn't be throwing things at a five month old baby, Valkyrie," Skulduggery said. "Consider that?"

"Oh, shut it," she replied. "Whatever toy I wave in front of his face he refuses to grab. And putting him in his little swing keeps him satisfied for five minutes before I need to find something else for him to play with."

Valkyrie led Skulduggery into her living room and showed him the infant sitting in his swing on the ground. Peter looked up with his wide brown eyes and watched Skulduggery.

"Hello there, Peter," he said and waved.

Peter stared.

"I hear you're giving your sister a hard time," Skulduggery continued. "I'd advise not to make her _too_ frazzled. She gets incredibly angry with you when that happens."

"Only because you know I'm annoyed, and you continue to annoy me," Valkyrie said.

"I am completely incapable of annoying anyone."

"Oh, okay, so you being fired the first forty times is just because Guild felt like firing you?"

Skulduggery paused and didn't say anything for a moment. "Guild does not count."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. A few moments later, Peter began crying again. Valkyrie glanced at the clock and realized she had to prepare his bottle, which was always the worst five minutes she had to endure.

"I need to feed him," Valkyrie mumbled unhappily, reaching down to grab her squirming brother.

"I'll get him," Skulduggery volunteered and swooped down and picked up the boy.

Valkyrie stared. "Alright then. Don't drop him."

"Oh, yes, because I'd drop an infant," Skulduggery said. "My coordination is perfect; it is physically and mentally impossible for me to drop anything."

Valkyrie smiled and rushed to the kitchen to get her brother's bottle ready. Skulduggery remained in the living room and kept holding Peter. He slung him over his shoulder and bounced him a little. Peter only cried louder. Skulduggery sighed and kept bouncing Peter a little. He switched positions and cradled Peter in the crook of his arm instead. He stared down at the baby and realized he couldn't make faces to get him to laugh.

However, Peter quieted down. Skulduggery noticed Peter grabbing at his lapels and trying to put them in his tiny little mouth. He grabbed the baby's hand and pulled it away from his jacket material. Peter grabbed Skulduggery's gloved finger and held on tightly. Babies, despite their size, were immensely strong. Skulduggery even wondered if Peter would end up inheriting the magic trait. It was possible!

"Hey, what are you doing to him in there? Peter sure is quiet," Valkyrie called from the kitchen, laughing.

"He's amazed at my beauty, that's all," Skulduggery responded and shifted Peter. The little boy gurgled happily suddenly, and he grabbed at Skulduggery's skull and tried sucking on that, too. His tiny hands explored Skulduggery's face and poked and prodded at his teeth. He tried shoving his fingers through his eye, but Skulduggery stopped him before he could.

Valkyrie stepped back into the kitchen, holding a bottle. She laughed at the scene in front of her.

"I believe my brother quite likes you," she said happily. She silently gestured to the bottle, asking Skulduggery if he wanted to do the honors.

"Are you a secret baby lover?" Valkyrie asked skeptically.

Skulduggery shrugged. "No, it's just that babies are fun to play around with – especially vaguely aware babies. And besides, I've had experience."

Valkyrie smiled sheepishly, knowing that it wasn't wise to talk about Skulduggery's past family. She watched Skulduggery adjust Peter in his arms and pop the bottle right into his mouth. Instantly, Peter relaxed and sucked down the milk. Skulduggery laughed when Peter would pull away from his nourishment, but then immediately start crying.

"If you're hungry, why do you pull away from it?" Skulduggery asked as he sat down gently in a chair. Valkyrie stood next to him and leaned on his shoulder, smiling at her baby brother and sticking her tongue out.

Peter finished his bottle quickly, and Skulduggery kept holding him and keeping him occupied. There was an hour of quietness, with the exception of Peter's excited squealing after that.

"So," Valkyrie asked, "ever considered quitting being a detective and taking up babysitting?"

* * *

Eh. I kind of like it.

SO. I very recently got a **tumblr**. I'm sure some of you had heard of it. They're just blogs really. My name is obviously **NerdySkeleton**. Just saying. I haven't posted anything because nothing post-worthy happens in my life, but whatever.

Thanks a whole ton for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	110. Jessie's Girl

Song is **Jessie's Girl **by **Rick Springfield**.

* * *

_Jessie is a friend_  
_Yeah I know he's been a good friend of mine_  
_But lately something's changed_  
_And it ain't hard to define_  
_Jessie's got himself a girl_  
_And I wanna make her mine_

Skulduggery Pleasant realizes this shift in his mind the moment he sees his Valkyrie Cain go running rather joyfully through Gordon's backyard. No fireworks erupt. It's just that everything around Skulduggery becomes blurry and insignificant when he sees Valkyrie. He's in love with her.

Too bad she's with Fletcher, still. 

_And she's watching him with those eyes  
And she's lovin' him with that body I just know it  
And he's holding her in his arms late late at night_

Skulduggery holds no claims on her, though. But when he thinks of them together - touching, kissing, loving, moaning, laughing, anything, he grows angry. Something inside him stirs, and it makes him want to practically strangle Fletcher for having Valkyrie to himself.

_You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
Where can I find a woman like that?_

No one else compares to Valkyrie, Skulduggery thinks. No other woman can satisfy him. He only wants Valkyrie. 

_I play along with this charade  
There doesn't seem to be a reason to change  
You know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute_

The skeleton leaves when he sees them together. Their affections make him disgusted with his lust and hunger for Valkyrie.

But Skulduggery can't help this.

_I wanna tell her that I love her  
But the point is probably moot_

Though she wouldn't love him, Skulduggery still hopes. Valkyrie could choose between the flesh and blood of a man her own age, or the hard and cold bones of a five hundred year old skeleton. 

_Cause she's watching him with those eyes  
And she's lovin' him with that body I just know it  
And he's holding her in his arms late late at night_

How long have they been together? Five years? Surely they went that far, already. Skulduggery sighs and growls at the thought. How dare she share such a physical and intimate love with him?

But no, he can't think that.

Again, Skulduggery Pleasant holds no claims over Valkyrie Cain.

_You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
Where can I find a woman like that?  
Like Jessie's girl  
I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
Where can I find a woman  
Where can I find a woman like that?_

But damn, Skulduggery Pleasant wants her. He wants her. He _wants_ her everything. He wants her face, her hair, her eyes, her clothes, her scent, her body, her very soul.

He wants that perfect woman. 

_When I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time  
Wonderin' what she don't see in me  
I've been funny, I've been cool with the line  
Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?_

Dropping the hints has become all too painful now, Skulduggery says. He's nonchalant and calm and cool and smooth. Yet no one understands his clues.

Skulduggery notices that love is complex.

And he hates it all.

But he still won't give up. No sir. 

_Tell me where can I find a woman like that?  
You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
I want Jessie's girl  
Where can I find a woman like that?  
Like Jessie's girl  
I wish that I had Jessie's girl  
I want I want Jessie's girl_

It wasn't fair!

Skulduggery had known her the longest! He should have her! Not that idiot Fletcher! Him! Him, him, him!

He just wants Valkyrie Cain.

Is that too much to ask?

* * *

I love how **Jessie's Girl** is such an upbeat and happy song, but I made this all angsty and weird XD Ooh whatever. I kind like this one, too. I kinda missed writing~

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	111. POOR TRAGIC SOUL

MOTHER OF GOODNESS I LOVE THIS MUSICAL.

**Phantom of the Opera**.

I've never seen the dang thing in Broadway or whatever, but I have seen the silly Schumacher 2004 film. And really, it's not that good. It's very pretty, but the acting is a little shabby, and the singing could use much improvement for most of the cast XD

BUT.

My sister and I jokingly put it in one night and watching the whole silly movie and died of laughter throughout the whole thing. We got to talking about the actual musical, because she was it once long ago. She owns the original Broadway cast soundtrack, and I stuck it on my computer and I can't stop listening to it! I just loooove it!

So yeah.

This is just like a parody of it, really. I REALLY do love this musical and the music and songs are simply fantastic. I just wanna poke fun at it :33

**All ideas, characters, or lines are property of their respective owners.

* * *

**

And that was when the prized patron of _The Opera Populaire _got his first look at the unmasked Phantom of the Opera. He sucked breath a moment but let it out in a defeat.

"Have you come to rescue your future bride?" the Phantom screamed at him, suddenly pulling from a lever to the side and clutching a rope that hung down limply. He jumped quickly to the closing gate where the patron, Monsieur Fletcher Renn, stood helplessly. The noose looped around his tender neck, and Fletcher heard his love scream in terror.

"Would you just chill out!" the newest star of the opera house shrieked, Stephanie Daaé.

"I can not let you go! You belong to me! And he shall die!" shouted the Phantom, pulling the rope tighter. "Your _lover _should have kept his hand at the level of his eye!"

Fletcher noticed his trouble in breathing. "Please, please, Stephanie! I love you! Does that mean nothing to you, Phantom! Show some compassion!"

"The world showed no compassion to me!"

"Wait!" Stephanie cried out in terror and shock, and she slowly treaded into the murky waters that surrounded the Phantom's lair. "I can't understand why you feel you must kill and hide and run…" she trailed off and placed her hand to the unscarred side of the mystery man. "It's just a little scratch!"

"Yeah, I'm a little confused myself," Fletcher said, forgetting his near-death-state.

The Phantom turned in alarm. "Do not stare…I'm hideous…"

"Ca…" Stephanie took a breath and said his real name, "_Caelan_. You don't have to live with this anymore."

"But I'm awful!"

"Well yeah!" Stephanie shouted. "You just killed, like, four people within a span of two months! And you've _tried_ to kill Miss China Guidicelli, who probably has horrible problems because of that! And those poor managers, Monsieur Thrasher and Monsieur Scapegrace – they have to deal with this terrible mess you've created because you're too selfish and won't just give me up!"

Fletcher nodded. "I agree with her."

Caelan, or the Phantom, pulled the rope tighter. "I do everything for you, my dear," he purred softly and stepped closer to her. Stephanie got a long look at the _horrible disfigured _face of her supposed Angel of Music.

The Phantom of the Opera had one tiny scar running down the right side of his cheek, probably no longer than four centimeters.

Apparently this tiny blemish had caused his life to spin into ruin, and for him to go mad with lust and love, and kill all those who stood in his way. MAKES SENSE.

"_Pitiful creature of darkness,_ _what kind of life have you known?_" Stephanie sung quietly, using her calm and sweet voice to lull the Phantom. Caelan loosened his intense grip on the rope and closed his eyes at the charming sound.

Caelan suddenly felt a tender touch at his lips, and he realized with a jolt that his beautiful muse was kissing him. He responded slowly and shyly, but by the time he suddenly felt her pulling away and going straight back in to steal another kiss, he was used to it.

"I must go," Stephanie finally said in his ear.

And then Caelan, the poor, mistreated, _and oh so tragic_ Phantom of the Opera nodded and threw the rope down into the lake.

"Go!" he suddenly began barking to the two lovers as he stumbled back to his deep and dark lair. "Go now! Go now and leave me! Forget me! Forget everything! I don't want you! Leave me be!"

He watched in pain as Stephanie pulled the noose from Fletcher's neck and wrap him in a hug. He returned the embrace warmly and urgently. The huge gate lifted up mechanically, and the two hopped into the little boat that served as a transport through the deep waters. Fletcher began pushing it slowly and calmly.

As Caelan, the Phantom of the Opera, retreated into his bedroom, he heard Fletcher say, "So what was his deal?"

Stephanie responded, "I have no idea, at all. He just flailed about, complaining about his horrible, ugly face. Um, pardon, couldn't you just use some make up to cover it up? Geez."

"Yeah, gosh. Freak."

"Should I go berserk every time I get a tiny blemish like that, dearest?"

Caelan sniffled then and began sobbing.

* * *

OH WHATEVER.

It's not the greatest thing I've written, but I don't care!

NOT AT ALL.

This was fun and I liked writing it.

But what would you guys say to me writing a semi-serious Skulduggery/Phantom of the Opera crossover? It wouldn't be a precise crossover, and it wouldn't be loyal to the movie, book, musical, etc., but I would still incorporate the songs a bit. I've got most of the first bit written, and actually, I'm sure writing it would get me motivated to write everything else...so yeah. Just...saying...

ALSO.

And life has been kinda crazy lately.

This past weekend I was in Texas with my relatives who I last saw when I was nine, and we were celebrating my great-grandmother's 100th birthday, so that was really intense. And the plane ride back was terrible because the flight got delayed by two hours, and it was horribly bumpy, too. Aaand I got home that Sunday night at 12:30 AM and it was AWFUL.

And I haven't felt the writing thing, lately. It's been a month since I last posted, and I'm sorry about that, but I just have no ideas and I'm _tired_. It's hard doing this writing thing. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them though.

And then a few weeks back a really great and wonderful girl in my grade/my age died from a brain tumor. She'd been sick for quite a while, but it was just such a shock. So that's just been kind of a downer lately. I didn't know her that well, but still. It was terrible. I won't give the name of her or her family, but if you could just pray for her family that would be appreciated. We all wore green on Monday, since that was her favorite color. So just yeah.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :)


	112. Get That Varmint!

Um.

* * *

Valkyrie Cain's head snapped up, and she was instantly alert. Fletcher Renn looked at her strangely and was about to ask what was wrong, but she threw a hand out to silence him. Her boyfriend shrugged and settled back and kept destroying his eardrums with his music. Valkyrie crept upstairs from where she heard the noise; there was no one in the house but her and Fletcher, except for Uncle Gordon, but he couldn't do anything to make noise at all. Valkyrie ascended the stairs quietly. She peeked in all the rooms, and when she finally looked into a spare bedroom, she gasped and shrieked a little.

The wooden windowpanes had been chewed through! There were bits of wood scattered around on the floor and huge chunks laid everywhere.

"What's wrong?" Valkyrie heard Fletcher called from the bottom floor.

"Um, something ate the window!" she shouted back.

There was a sudden little scratching coming from the corner near the bed. Valkyrie shuddered to think of what horrible little disgusting creature had wormed its way into the house.

"What ate the window?" Fletcher asked, coming into the room.

"Some awful creature," Valkyrie replied. "Maybe a mouse or something."

He nodded, accepting this explanation, but he suddenly shrieked in shock. "OH GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?"

Valkyrie turned and barely had to time to scream as an ugly, bushy-tailed _thing_ scurried past her. It ran out of the room and disappeared from view, as it turned right. Fletcher clung to her, and Valkyrie clung to him.

"Was that a horrible radioactive rodent?" Fletcher shouted again.

"Oh God, I don't know!" Valkyrie moaned.

Fletcher sighed and shuddered a moment, but he finally grabbed Valkyrie's hand and teleported down to the living room. He grabbed a broom from a closet and hunkered down on the couch, with Valkyrie right next to him.

"I will not move until that thing is out of there," he muttered angrily and clutched the broom.

"At least you won't have to sleep here tonight," Valkyrie grumbled.

He shrugged. "Yeah, sucks for you!"

"I wonder how long that _thing_ has been in here," Valkyrie wondered aloud. "It can't be too long, though. It probably would have made itself known earlier. Ugh, how did it get in? Is there a _hole_ somewhere here?" She trembled at the thought of more various rodents getting into Gordon's house.

"Who screamed?" a voice suddenly asked.

Both shouted and whipped around, only to see Gordon.

"There's an _animal_ in this house," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah – Fletcher," Gordon snickered.

"No, like a real wild animal!" Fletcher complained, not even registering the insult. "It ate the window in that one ugly bedroom that no one ever goes in and ran out, and now we don't know where it is!"

Gordon frowned. "Hopefully you won't get bit and get rabies!"

"Rabies!" Fletcher shouted.

Valkyrie groaned. "This is the worst thing ever!"

"Well, it's quite the fluke," Gordon said, trying to comfort them. "Has there ever been a squirrel in the house before? No. There have been little mice occa-"

"Mice?" Valkyrie shouted. "I'm not living here when I'm older!"

"You happily fight evil gods and men who can look at you and explode _your face_, but some little mice scare you?"

"Well, duh! Who actually likes mice? Anyone?"

"Don't refer to your boyfriend that way," another voice suddenly said.

All three shouted now and turned to face Skulduggery Pleasant, instead.

"What's going on?" the skeleton asked when he noticed the broom that Valkyrie was clutching tightly.

"There's something in this house," Gordon calmly explained. "Apparently there's some rodent that ate the window in that one spare bedroom."

"That ugly one, you mean?"

"It is not ugly!"

"Sure, Uncle Gordon."

"What sort of rodent is it?" Skulduggery asked. "Did you manage to see it?"

"No, but it had a giant tail," Fletcher responded.

"And do you know where it is?"

"No, actually."

Skulduggery sighed and asked for the broom from Valkyrie. "Come on, Fletcher," he said, "let's get this thing out of here."

"W-Wait, _I _don't wan-"

Skulduggery had already gripped his shirt and pulled him up. They left the living room and disappeared for about an hour. Occasionally Gordon and Valkyrie heard a horrible bump and a loud shriek from Fletcher.

After waiting longer, they heard thundering footsteps rock the upstairs. Skulduggery zipped past them, carrying a squirming pillowcase, and Fletcher followed closely behind him. They wrenched the front door open, and Skulduggery flailed and Valkyrie watched as a SQUIRREL fell to the pavement and ran off in terror. The skeleton rushed back into the house and slammed the door.

"THERE WAS A SQUIRREL IN HERE?" Valkyrie screamed.

* * *

Haaaaaaaa.

Guess what.

This actually happened to me.

A dang squirrel got into my house a while ago and terrorized my mother and I for a day. He legitimately ate the window panes, though. My cat keeps trying to the bits of wood now ): But yeah. There was a real live squirrel in my house. HE ATE AN APPLE, TOO. I TOOK A PICTURE OF IT ON MY PHONE. IT'S SO BAD.

Ugh. I'm sorry this isn't too good. In the previous chapter, my author note just says I haven't felt like writing lately. But these two were fun ideas, and I wanted to post and see how you all were doing XD

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	113. Magic Dance

Ghastly Bespoke turned to Tanith Low suddenly and stared at her intently.

"Can I help you?" Tanith asked, noticing his glaring at her.

"You remind me of the babe," Ghastly said simply.

"What babe?" Tanith asked.

"The babe with the power!"

"What power?"

"The power of voodoo."

"Who do?"

"You do!"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe!"

"Oh, so that's pretty cool, I guess."

"Yeah, I'd say so." Ghastly paused. "I knew there was a reason I loved you so much."

Tanith smiled and kissed his cheek. "It's a good thing I like Bowie as much as you do."

* * *

100 words~

So yeah. That whole "You remind me of the babe!" thing is from **Labyrinth**, which is a very silly movie that I've only seen once. BUT. David Bowie is in it and he jumps around in incredibly tight tights and he sings and it's so fun.

This thing was pointless to write, but I do NOT careeeee.

Dance magic dance!

Thanks for reading! :DD


	114. First Time

Valkyrie Cain clutched the object.

Skulduggery Pleasant shivered.

"What? What did I do wrong?" she asked, already annoyed, and they had hardly even begun.

He shook his head. "Nothing, it's just a strange feeling – all this – what we're doing. I'm _really_ hoping we don't have any accidents."

"Hey, what could go wrong?" Valkyrie smiled. "You've got protection."

"True, true."

Valkyrie inhaled deeply and let out her breath slowly. "Okay…so…now what?"

"I had figured that would have been obvious, Valkyrie."

"Well this is my first time! I don't know what to do with it!"

Skulduggery nodded. "Still. Well alright, don't get distracted and focus on that." He pointed to the object she held tightly. "We can just start slow for now, if you want."

"That would be nice," she said.

"Alright, tell me when you feel ready."

Valkyrie paused a moment. "I'm ready."

Skulduggery sat up straighter. "Alright, so press down easily."

Valkyrie Cain nodded and pressed her foot down lightly on the gas pedal, beginning her very first driving lesson with Skulduggery Pleasant.

* * *

Awkward?

:3

I thought up the idea suddenly and decided to do it for laughs. I hope you were at least vaguely creeped out by this~

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD Also April 8th was my 2 year anniversary of being on here! Thanks for all the great reviews you all have left, and I'm just so glad that I decided to join :)

Also I'm kind of running out of ideas…If you couldn't tell...I have story ideas…but those take a while to get up. Any oneshot/drabble-y ideas for me?


	115. Why?

HELP! HELP! SOMEONE! THE WRITER'S BLOCK! IT'S FOLLOWING ME!

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant sat contentedly against the brick wall. Valkyrie Cain sat next to him, though a little frustrated.

"I was supposed to meet Fletcher at three," she said.

"I'm sure he'll understand once you explain the circumstances, Valkyrie. He'll probably get misty-eyed and pat your back and coo about how horrible it must have been."

"He does not get misty-eyed."

"Hm, all right."

"H-Hey!" Thrasher shouted, pointing a weak finger at the two. "B-Be quiet…please?"

"Thrasher, that is _not_ how you deal with your archenemy!" Scapegrace scolded. "You take a stand and _demand_ them to quiet down…At least a little."

"S-Sorry," he muttered.

"And for God's sake, stop apologizing!"

Skulduggery nodded. "I'm sorry, King Zombie. We'll keep our conversations to a whisper."

Scapegrace smiled triumphantly at the nickname. "Perhaps I shall feel remorse when I kill you."

Valkyrie laughed at his menacing attempt. "I'll eat my coat the day that Scapegrace finally kills someone. Someone that he doesn't make into one of his zombies, that is."

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery said, astonished. "Please! 'King Zombie'!"

She rolled her eyes. "Pardon me, King Zombie."

"Much better."

"Skulduggery, you're in a chipper mood, today."

"I realized this."

"Any specific reason why?" Valkyrie asked.

The skeleton shrugged. "Oh, not really. I just woke up happy and excited, I guess. Even getting kidnapped by the dastardliest duo hasn't dampened the mood. Marvelous."

"I'm a little disappointed, actually," Valkyrie said.

"Isn't today the day you were supposed to find out what your little sibling will be? Boy or girl?"

Valkyrie nodded. "I sort of wanted to be there for it – not the reflection." She paused. "She we be talking about my future sibling in front of them?"

The partners watched Scapegrace and Thrasher try to fight their way out of a Chinese Finger Trap.

"I think it's safe," Skulduggery reassured her. He eased himself against the wall a bit more and placed the gloved hand that was not chained to the wall to his chin thoughtfully. "Hey, Valkyrie?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are people evil?"

Scapegrace and Thrasher looked up.

"I don't know, Plato. Do you?"

"I'm afraid I don't."

"People are evil," Scapegrace said grandly, "because they are _born _evil. Or some achieve evil. And others have evil thrust upon them!"

"I don't think that's the exact quote," Skulduggery stated, "but we'll go with it. But why do you say that? Why are _you_ so evil?"

Scapegrace laughed like a maniac for a few moments. He recovered though, thank goodness. "Well, I was born evil. I came out of my mother's womb and instantly pinched the doctors. As I grew, I hit and punched and kicked and slapped and did all sorts of nasty things. I thought for a while, I wanted to be a dentist, since they're so great at causing pain and all, but realized I liked killing people more. I melded my great artistic skills with my desire for murder and pain."

"Oh, how handy of you!" Skulduggery laughed and suddenly got up, both hands free. He dusted off his trusty trench coat and fished a pair of handcuffs from his pocket and subdued Scapegrace before he could fully realize that Valkyrie had gotten free and tied up Thrasher with her own pair of handcuffs during his tiny speech.

"That was a great story, King Zombie," Skulduggery said, giving him a light pat on the back.

"And I don't think you've achieved evil just yet, King Zombie," Valkyrie added happily.

* * *

Eh, it's the best I got for you.

Okay, so a few things.

NUMBER 1: It's spring break. (Well…the tiny little remainder of spring break.)

NUMBER 2: I have been SICK. The first day of break (Saturday) I had a fever and threw up. If that's not anyone's ideal start to a long deserved and wanted spring break, I don't know what is! I was pretty much good on Sunday, and Monday I was totally well again. Tuesday I went to the mall with a friend. And then Tuesday night I threw up again. Wednesday I was okay. Today I'm feeling fine, except for my throat being in pain and agony. (You all wanted to hear this information because I am the center of the universe and you revolve around me.)

NUMBER 3: Man, I have no inspiration or ideas. I was so excited to be all up in this and be writing and everything, but I've sick and don't feel like writing so there.

SO.

This idea is shamefully stolen from **Cryptic Mist**. Suggest a simple word or title for something, and I'll see what I can do with it. But don't say llamas. Or anything dumb like that. (WHY IS CHEESE SO FUNNY. I DON'T GET IT.)

NUMBER 4: I have a poll on my profile. Go vote. The more you vote, the quicker I'll get to writing a story.

So yeah. Thanks for reading.

OH WAIT.

800 REVIEWS.

:DDDDDDDDDDD

That is all.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


	116. A Tragedy!

SHAKESPEARE IS A BOSS. NOTICE THE PRESENT TENSE VERB. HE'S STILL KICKING.

* * *

Valkyrie Cain sat calmly, vaguely watching some television. It was quiet in her house, since her parents had gone out with little Alison for more baby clothes. Valkyrie believed they could put her in a potato sack and she would still look adorable.

She and Skulduggery had just solved a case the day before. Even if a villain came popping out of nowhere in the next two minutes, she would not get up. Valkyrie was tired and wanted peace and quiet (which is why she wasn't at Gordon's; he'd continuously badger her).

Yes. Totally peaceful. Only the quiet noise of the television. No one else but her.

"'But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks!  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!'"

Valkyrie grimaced and turned to face a very giddy looking Fletcher Renn who had suddenly appeared. "What are you talking about?"

"'Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,  
who is already sick and pale with grief,  
that though her maid art far more fair than she:  
be not her maid, since she is envious;  
her vestal livery is but sick and green  
and none but fools do wear it; cast it off.  
It is my lady, O, it is my love!'"

"Fletcher, chill out."

"'She speaks:  
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art  
as glorious to this night, being-'"

"Fletcher!" Valkyrie put a stop to his rants. "Why are you shouting Shakespeare at me?"

His wide smile dropped and he suddenly looked sheepish. "I didn't know if you were still mad at me or not."

"But why would that make you want to be Romeo?"

"Well I was in England yesterday," he explained quickly, "and I walked by the Globe Theater and thought about how _Romeo and Juliet _is the greatest romance ever written, so I thought maybe you'd-"

"Fletcher, I'm not mad at you," Valkyrie interrupted him.

"You're not?"

"Well I was," she said, "but then I realized that I probably shouldn't be, since it was kind of my fault we didn't do anything last week."

He shrugged. "I shouldn't have gotten all possessive of you, though."

She smiled and stood and went to hug him. "It was just the big ol' jealousy monster, wasn't it?"

"Yeah!" he pouted. "I can't help it when he shows up!" He hugged her back tightly and then pulled away. "But I swear, Val-"

"'O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,  
that monthly changes in her circled orb,  
lest that thy love prove likewise variable.'"

Fletcher stared blankly.

"Did you only memorize Romeo's lines?"

He nodded slowly.

"Well, I guess it's the effort that counts."

* * *

Pfft, so sue me if this isn't the greatest work ever. It's just a romantic interlude between the two! DON'T JUDGE.

IT INCORPORATES SHAKESPEARE AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

Guys, I don't think you understand my love for Shakespeare. He is my FAVORITE. I would go so far to say that he is my favorite author.

So, yeah. I know it's been FOREVER since this has been updated, but at least I was still writing. I just wanted to post something to say,

1. I love my new school. It is utterly perfect in every way. (Well, it's too cold and there are, like, no girl bathrooms and 2902098274 boys bathrooms.) But even still, it's positively the perfect place for me.

2. I have not received Death Bringer yet. Do you know how bad it's killing me? IT'S REALLY KILLING ME. So, I probably won't post much until I've read it. The book is on its way, but apparently someone is swimming it over it's taking so dang long.

DON'T YOU DARE SPOIL ME. WHEN NERDYSKELETON IS SPOILED, CITIES ARE DESTROYED. AND SHE WILL GO TO THE SPOILERS HOUSE AND DESTROY THEM AS WELL.

I don't CARE if what I've written just now or in the past contradicts what happens in Death Bringer. Don't tell me about it. Like, seriously, spoiling someone is the worst thing you can do to someone, pretty much. I probs won't write much till I get my book, and the apparent arrival date is September 20th...so that'll suck. I've been hearing some REALLY good things about it, and how freaking amazing and crazy it is, so I'm really looking forward to it.

That is all.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes!

(I also don't own any of Shakespeare's words. They are all his and rightfully belong to him and _Romeo and Juliet_.)


	117. Songs for the Mood

So. How 'bout that whole Death Bringer thing, hmm? That was pretty crazy…And I loved every minute of it :)

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant shut and locked his front door forcefully, tired from another cursed day of hunting down…someone. He was, frankly, too tired to remember the culprit's name at that moment.

He shrugged off his coat and tore away his gloves and tossed them on a nearby table carelessly. Though he did remove his hat and placed it nearly on the hanger on the wall; hats should never be disrespected in such a way, he believed. Valkyrie laughed whenever he said anything like that. And he suddenly heard a dreadful sound.

_"I've been really tryin', baby..." _

Skulduggery sighed and took the few steps to lean against the doorway into the living room. His lover stood, holding a record case and grinning.

_"Tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long…"_

"This kind of music does not put me into a romantic mood," Skulduggery said, "despite what it may do for you."

Skulduggery watched the other in the room intently. They locked eyes with each other, and Skulduggery couldn't help but smile.

"_And if you feel like I feel baby,  
Then come on, oh, come on  
Let's get it on  
Ah, babe,  
Let's get it on…_"

"I suppose you would listen to this kind of music, dear."

The other grinned wide still but then suddenly switched the records in the old antique player. Skulduggery smiled back as the first song began to play.

_"Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away!"_

"Now I much prefer this music, Sanguine," the skeleton muttered and already began to shed his suit jacket.

Billy-Ray Sanguine abandoned the music and eagerly ran to his skeletal lover.

* * *

**Mademise Morte** requested some Sanduggery a while back, and I finally remembered it XD I hope it's too your liking~

"Let's Get It On" belongs to Marvin Gaye and any other rightful owners.

"Come Fly With Me" belongs to Frank Sinatra and any other rightful owners.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD


	118. The Early Dawn

**DEATH BRINGER SPOILERS.**

* * *

Nothing seems quite right if the sun isn't out.

No, I'm not talking about when it's raining or some clouds have obscured that intense star of ours.

Perhaps it would be simpler to say that nothing seems quite right if the sun hasn't risen.

Ponder that.

In the day, scary movies are just movies. In the day, odd creaks and cracks in the house sound just like plain creaks and cracks. In the day, walking alone on a street is perfectly safe.

In the dark night and early dawn, scary movies become reality to you. In the dark night and early dawn, odd creaks and cracks are the footsteps of murderers. In the dark night and early dawn, walking alone on a street is a death wish.

Of course, scary movies aren't for real, murderers aren't to get you as you sleep peacefully, and no one will attack you as you walk along the street alone.

Except, in one Valkyrie Cain's case, these were all true.

Well, perhaps she could exclude the scary movies coming to haunt her dreams; she had other things to haunt her day in and day out.

Valkyrie Cain briskly strode down the winding rode at 5:57 AM. She rubbed her hands together to get some feeling and warmth back into them. Her eyes saw the early hour reading on her watch, and she frowned. She still had miles to go. It was cold and early, and she didn't like it one bit. All she wanted was to get back to Gordon's, shower, and sleep for days on end.

She stepped on a sharp twig that snapped beneath her weight, and she jumped at the noise; she had gotten so used to the quiet of the early dawn. She gathered her bearings and took a look at everything around her and kept walking. Her feet padded quietly against the asphalt, and she shivered again and rubbed her hands together quickly. She took a step and heard another twig snap. She jumped again and looked down to see if it was caught anywhere.

Oh, but there wasn't a twig beneath her.

Instantly, she became uneasy. The noise of the bugs felt ominous; they seemed to be getting louder and louder. Valkyrie was frozen to the spot, and she couldn't bring herself to run.

She heard a few more twigs and leaves breaking apart, and her fear rose more. The bushes ahead of her moved about violently and suddenly something broke away from the shrubbery. She gasped at the creature in front of her, but she soon realized it was only a squirrel. It scurried away from her, and Valkyrie managed to relax.

Well, until a pair of arms reached from behind her and wrapped around her ribcage and squeezed.

She instantly tried to scream but instead, she smiled and closed her eyes, and then Darquesse laughed.

Lord Vile kept his tight grip on her body and squeezed and squeezed until Darquesse turned blue. But she lashed out at the last moment and booted her heel into his shin. He dropped her and recovered quickly by kicking her and placing a foot on her chest to keep her grounded.

Neither said anything for a moment. The two just stared at each other until finally, one spoke.

"I'm getting sick of chasing you all around the world, you know," Skulduggery Pleasant sighed and reached down to help Valkyrie Cain up. She took his outstretched hand and stood shakily.

"Well, we can rest here for a while, if you'd like," she offered.

"That would be a nice change."

Valkyrie nodded and held out her hand for Skulduggery this time. He took it gingerly and allowed her to lead him onwards to Gordon's mansion.

"If we just sat around all day and didn't have this little game," Valkyrie asked, "what would we do? There wouldn't be any fun, now would there?"

Skulduggery shrugged and draped his arm over her shoulders. "I suppose." He quieted, but then added casually, "We are a twisted pair, my dear Valkyrie."

She smiled and looked up at the lightening sky. "Agreed. But again, if we weren't, there wouldn't be any fun."

* * *

Um, I don't know. I got the idea for Valkyrie walking around in the early morning because I wait for my bus at 6:30 in the morning, and it's kind of freaky. The sun hasn't ever quite risen, and it's cold, and it's quiet, and it freaks me out really bad. Ah, yeah, but then Lord Vile and Darquesse hijacked the idea and ran away with it.

I'm sorry for the huge waits between updates. School, actually, is my main problem. It's a good deal of work now, so sometimes just after I get all the work done that I can get done, all I want to do is sit around and _read_ and not write. Also I have lost all creativity in me, so that's a pretty big problem…I just haven't felt like writing lately, that's all. I'm hoping I can get back into the groove right now.

Would anyone have any suggestions for me? Ideas for this, other stories? I dunno…whatever, you don't have to contribute.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DD


End file.
